One and half year since BU

I have reached the one and half year mark since breakup.

It has been seven months of NC. In this period we bumped on each other few times. No words were spoken, we just passed by each other.

I can't say that I have progressed much. I still love her, think about her every day, regret for the lost relationship.

I tried dating with few women....and two of them I really liked. The problem appeared because after BU my confidence decreased, so these two women lost interest into me....so i have become single again.

I'm in my late thirties...and I'm starting to be afraid that I will never find soul mate and that I will stay till end of my life alone.

I tried many things to move on.

I workout, have new hobbies, reading self help books, meditating, improve myself in many areas....but at the end of the day I still miss my old relationship.

This breakup really messed me up.....

Hey man, I'm with you in the same boat, and I'm close to the 1.5 year mark since the breakup as well. Yesterday I found out unintentionally that she now is in a semi-serious relationship from what I can gather.

The difference in my case is that I haven't tried dating at all, as I simply have no desire to get back out there. The only thing holding me together is somehow having faith that brighter days are still ahead.

Hey man, I'm with you in the same boat, and I'm close to the 1.5 year mark since the breakup as well. Yesterday I found out unintentionally that she now is in a semi-serious relationship from what I can gather.

 

The difference in my case is that I haven't tried dating at all, as I simply have no desire to get back out there. The only thing holding me together is somehow having faith that brighter days are still ahead.

Hi snapple. Thank you for the reply.

Sorry to hear about your ex having new relationship. I remember how I was feeling seven months ago when my ex requested from me not to disturb her because she was in relationship. I hadn't known that...I had wanted to reconcile and had sent her bunch of flowers a strange situation....So I know how are you filling, and I'm sorry for that.

What bothers me the most is that after this year and a half I was trying to get my life on track I didn't achieve any positive result.

First tried to reconcile - huge rejection.

...Then was trying to forget her (all above stated activities) - no result

..Started dating - many rejections

I think that I'm losing my motivation.

In addition, when I see all my friends happily married establishing their families and on the other side me alone with no perspective that I will meet woman of my life in near future...it really demotivates me...

Micro, don't lose your faith. You will love again -- it will come when you least expect it. Although it may seem hard to believe right now, it really is true.

Micro? Did you break up or did she?

Micro? Did you break up or did she?

JA0371, funny thing is that I was the one who broke up.

I regret very much and I don't want to defend myself, but I did it due to some huge problems that had put on me lot of pressure.

When I solved these problems I contacted her (it was half of year after BU).

I wanted to merry her.

She was still single then.

She rejected me. I was trying several more times to convince her to reconcile, until seven months ago when she requested from me not to disturb her because she was in a relationship.

JA0371, funny thing is that I was the one who broke up.

I regret very much and I don't want to defend myself, but I did it due to some huge problems that had put on me lot of pressure.

 

When I solved these problems I contacted her (it was half of year after BU).

I wanted to merry her.

She was still single then.

She rejected me. I was trying several more times to convince her to reconcile, until seven months ago when she requested from me not to disturb her because she was in relationship.

So it happens, I wouldn't blame her for not taking you back. Anyone that would dump and hurt me like that won't ever gain my trust again. I'm sure you had a legitimate reason to break up, but now you have to suffer the consequences of your decision. The good news is, life still goes on, and you will still meet plenty of wonderful people...but first you have to get over this girl before you're ready for anyone else.

So it happens, I wouldn't blame her for not taking you back. Anyone that would dump and hurt me like that won't ever gain my trust again. I'm sure you had a legitimate reason to break up, but now you have to suffer the consequences of your decision. The good news is, life still goes on, and you will still meet plenty of wonderful people...but first you have to get over this girl before you're ready for anyone else.

BiggKK, I fully agree with you regarding consequences. I accept the responsibility for what i have done.

I just want to say that moving on from this BU has become a very long journey. One and a half year has passed and I'm still at the beginning.

Having no results kills my motivation...

Why exactly did you break up with her?

there is a lot of things going on up there. From what you said, this is what I see. Still in denial that its over. You know that it is but you havent fully accepted it and that is keeping you from fully letting go of your X. There are some issues that are buried in you with either abandonment or something close to that.

You have also resigned, you have given up and threw your hands up in the air and said If I cant be with this girl then I just wont ever be happy again. You have your X on a pedestal and you can say you are busy and moving on, but whats the point if you still have her on a pedestal? Do you have things that remind you of her?

Letting go is difficult after a year and a half you havent done it yet. Your busy, you date other girls but you are still holding on to that one vine that attaches you to her. Its time to cut the cord or let go.

Letting go only means letting go of the relationship. This does not mean you are going to be forever single. This does not mean life is over and you will never ever be happy again. And yes Ive been right where you were. You are approaching 40 and who will ever date you, the time it takes to know someone and you are planning out your future. I did that, I dont know if you are doing that, but I did. Anyway, moving right along..

There is also fear of never beginning a new relationship. Well, look truth is you did attract several other women. So you cant give me this sob story that youll never find your soul mate blah blah blah because you have dated and you can attract another girl and who knows, maybe the next one is your soul mate.

But first, you must put the past behind you before you can move on, and you are holding on to the past for fear of your future.

As long as you stay still, sadness and depression will find you, happiness has to be discovered and sometimes in the strangest places. If you still cant find the strength to let go, then maybe you need professional help to help you sort out your thoughts and guide you.

I agree with much that has already been said and I second on what No1 ^ Has said here....

I agree with maybe looking into some therapy, if at this point you are still feeling so low? Yes, I know, getting over a 'loss' of one you came to love is NOT easy and it does take time.

No reason though, to throw in the towel. It could possibly be that YOU are still feeling so many emotions & negatives about your loss and you're not quite 'ready' to date yet, anyways?

Then keep working on YOU...

And as for this 'soulmate' thing? YOU are your own soulmate, because no matter what happens in Life, you will always have yourself to live with, accept, respect & love. It's YOU.

You should look for a 'companion' only to become an equal to you. Not one who you'll look up to support you in a way a parent might with a child. It needs to be of equal value. You enjoy each other's company, you can communicate, enjoy and respect each other, etc.

Remember, your partner can NOT be the one to 'make you' feel better. Because, if you're that 'low' then it has to be YOU to find that 'calmness' from within. This is why I suggest some therapy now... You are still sad and suffering.

I understand much of how you feel here, i lost a 5 yr relationship, a year ago. I hit my rock bottom and am still dealing with it all. I ended up in therapy and on anxiety and depression med's.

Sometimes.. we DO need some work on ourselves in order to get 'stable' once again.

So, how about you look into these idea's? Keep working on you. oh, and don't compare yourself & your life to anyone else.

I have never done that and there's no need for it! I finished school and I went 'my own way' in my Life. It had nothing to do with anyone else.

Yes, I may be divorced and a single mom now, but doesn't mean most of my friends are in the same boat. AND it doesn't matter. They are NOT living my Life.

Take care of yourself.. keep going and in time, things will begin to change.

One day at a time...

Why exactly did you break up with her?

I had difficulties and stress at job causing me having chronic insomnia.

She wanted attention which I should have but couldn't because of my issues provide to her...I had problems to stay awake whole day...after work I used time to sleep....I was not real me during that period.

She wanted family. I became afraid that because of issues I would have been bad husband and father, so on one of these sleepless days I decided to leave.

After few months when I finally managed to keep these issues under control, I initiated contact trying to reconcile and merry her.

She was refusing, so we stayed in LC always initiated by me, until she stated that she was in new relationship, wanting me to stop disturbing her. It was 7 months ago, so I started NC.

Do you feel that the breakup was out of your control? That it was because of circumstances rather than lack of compatibility or boredom or cheating?

No1, Thank you for the detailed analysis. I find it really helpful.

You know that it is but you havent fully accepted it and that is keeping you from fully letting go of your X. There are some issues that are buried in you with either abandonment or something close to that.

You have also resigned, you have given up and threw your hands up in the air and said If I cant be with this girl then I just wont ever be happy again. You have your X on a pedestal and you can say you are busy and moving on, but whats the point if you still have her on a pedestal? Do you have things that remind you of her?

You are probably right about this. I still hope. She was there all the time for me. I hurt her a lot. I can not say any bad thing about her. She was really good girlfriend and good person to spend life with. Long after BU she stayed single, so I developed hope.

I thought, ok she is also in late thirties and wants family (and I want it too), and she once used to love me, so she would probably once give up and accept me back.

You are approaching 40 and who will ever date you, the time it takes to know someone and you are planning out your future. I did that, I dont know if you are doing that, but I did.

Yes I do, and I think this is one of the cause of the problem. I think...Im almost 40...I need some time to date, than to find among all these dates a woman that has potential to become my soul mate....then I will have to work on to keep this relationship until it becomes marriage.....All this requires a lot of time and Im almost 40....This all puts a lot of pressure on me....

happiness has to be discovered and sometimes in the strangest places.

I really hope so

Do you feel that the breakup was out of your control? That it was because of circumstances rather than lack of compatibility or boredom or cheating?

We were very compatible. She didn't cheat me, I didn't cheat her.

I think that breakup was out my control. Due to mentioned problem I didn't behave the way I usually do.

In my head all the time were thoughts...I must keep the job, I need some sleep in order to keep the job and I need some sleep in order to succeed to do regular daily things.

SooSad, thank you very much for the reply. Your advises I find very valuable.

And as for this 'soulmate' thing? YOU are your own soulmate, because no matter what happens in Life, you will always have yourself to live with, accept, respect & love. It's YOU.

You should look for a 'companion' only to become an equal to you. Not one who you'll look up to support you in a way a parent might with a child. It needs to be of equal value. You enjoy each other's company, you can communicate, enjoy and respect each other, etc.

I think that this is very good advise. I would like to find ways how to implement it.

Keep working on you. oh, and don't compare yourself & your life to anyone else.

I will try not to compare, but it is difficult when everyone else of my age I know is maried and many of them have kids. Because of this I even have limited number of friends to spend time with....

Take care of yourself.. keep going and in time, things will begin to change.

One day at a time...

Well, you know she is not coming back. So dont hang on anymore, at some point you have to admit to yourself that the relationship is over, she is out there but with someone else and she is not coming back. You have wonderful memories and those times make you who you are today. Remember that we take parts from everyone we have met. So what you two had will always have an affect on you but in a positive way. We all become better. You might of learned something new or liked a new hobby because of her, there is always something postive you can take from this.

Now, you have to let go. Its like a kid holding a balloon that no longer floats. Its still a balloon but its not going to float anymore. So let it go and just find another one.

Okay, now for what I see from what you said.

It is a daunting task to make one happy when you yourself is not happy. You can fake it for a while but it does become a chore and difficult. You did mention that during the relationship with this wonderful person, you still had problems within yourself. So if you started a relationship now, those problems would eventually rise to the top and possibly become an issue.

If I may suggest for you to seek out help from a professional. I think that if you deal with whatever you have going on, that will make you feel better and that will raise your esteem. Perhaps you are down not from love or your relationships, but from what stems inside you. Take care of this and the rest will take care of themselves.

I know its hard not to think about 40 coming up. I went thru that too. I had a huge break up at 39 and thought the exact same thing. I was thinking....just to meet someone, and even think about getting married would be years from now, then having kids? At say 42 or 43 at the earliest?

What I did in thinking that way was a mistake. Truth is I dont have control over that. Youll be okay, you will be happy again. Just deal with what is eating you inside and then youll see what happens next

This thread is scary for me... I broke up with a woman that I care deeply about. We had wonderful times together. But more often than not I found myself unhappy and feeling like I needed to let go. I did several times and then we would get back together. I ended it last a little over 3 months ago and I feel more pain now than I did the first 3 months. I think that is largely due to me burying emotions with dating and going out immediately afterwards. Through that I realized that I had some serious work that I need to do on myself and I am not ready to put myself back out there. I have confidence, self-esteem, abandonment, and some addiction issues the I need to resolve before I can be the best partner.

I am afraid that I will regret my inability to sustain the relationship in the future. I fear that I will go back someday and want to reconnect and she will be with another man. That stings so bad. But I can truly say that she deserves to be happy. If it's meant to be it will happen but in the meantime I am going to heal and become the best man I can be.

She is ONE woman in a pool of billions. It's irrational to think that she is the only one I can connect with. And I need to keep reminding myself that it didn't work, so it didn't work! Regardless of the reason I did what was best for me at the time. I think you did the same. Now it's time to do the best for ME today. Make the next right decision and that's how I give myself the best chance at happiness. It's not guaranteed but the odds are better than if I sit around waiting and wishing things were different.

Oh, lastly I just want to say that I am 36, in therapy, and in recovery. I'm not in demand lol. But I plan to be in a year or two... yeah!

Good luck!

Good input, bpm, wish u luck, no prob, micro, take it easy on yourself.... one day at a time.

This stuff is never easy...

Well, you know she is not coming back. So dont hang on anymore, at some point you have to admit to yourself that the relationship is over, she is out there but with someone else and she is not coming back. You have wonderful memories and those times make you who you are today. Remember that we take parts from everyone we have met. So what you two had will always have an affect on you but in a positive way. We all become better. You might of learned something new or liked a new hobby because of her, there is always something postive you can take from this.

You are right. She is not coming back. I should forget her and stop hoping, and if eventually happens that she come back once in a future, it would be a bonus.

Yes she has had strong influence on me. I really have progressed in many aspects during relationship.

I know its hard not to think about 40 coming up. I went thru that too. I had a huge break up at 39 and thought the exact same thing. I was thinking....just to meet someone, and even think about getting married would be years from now, then having kids? At say 42 or 43 at the earliest?

What I did in thinking that way was a mistake. Truth is I dont have control over that. Youll be okay, you will be happy again. Just deal with what is eating you inside and then youll see what happens next

Exactly the same what I use to think.

Hope that everything will go in positive direction. I will work on my issues.

Thank you

bpm, sorry to hear about your struggle, but also I admire your strength.

I agree that your and my situation is similar in many aspects.

We both were with women who are as you said one in a pool of billions, to whom we had strong connections. We left them and now would be happy to have them back.

I also agree that they deserve happiness as well as we by making another important step...letting them go.

I have worked on myself. I progressed very much since breakup. I can say that now I'm different man, but apparently I do have a lot more work to do.

As I said at the beginning of this thread sometimes I lose motivation. Today is better. It seams that ups and downs are something that is common in healing from bu even after so much time.

I know that I will have these downs in the future again. I will try to solve them with therapy.

The only problem is that I live in a very conservative society, where therapy is a taboo, but I will try to find a solution.

I don' have much to add, but to thank you for very pragmatic advice and motivation boost you gave me with your reply.

Hello to everyone.

Here I am to share an optimistic update.

After my latest posts at this threat, something unexpected happened.

A natural disaster stroke my city.

I decided to contact my ex (after more than a half year of NC) to check how she and her family were.

Fortunately they were ok.

I broke NC, even if I had decided before not to do that, and I had good reasons.

In this period we shared few calls and sms.

Based on her tone and non-pro-activity I realized that she didn't care of me as much as I cared for her.

This meant very much for me because it was a closure I needed for more than year and a half.

All the time I was thinking that her ego (I was a dumper) was the reason she was refusing reconciliation and I was unconsciously waiting her to lower her guard, so we could maybe reconcile once in the future.

This held me one year and a half from moving on.

Finally I got my closure and I started to get better

For two months I haven't thought about her.

She has vanished from my head.

I didn't care anymore about her and I finally started to live happy life of a single man.

I thought that I was cured...I moved on.

......But, few days ago I got info from my friend that my ex is asking around about me and that it seams that she is single (and that it seems she was single when she was telling that she was in a relationship).

In addition, unexpectedly in same period I got sms from her sister thanking me for the favor I did several months ago.

It looked to me that she was trying to reopen communication channels.

....so again appeared questions in my head What if? How would if?......

I couldn't get her from my head during last two days.

Has anyone experienced something like this?..To think that you have moved on, but then suddenly to start thinking of ex.

What would be the best to do in this situation?

Thank you.

Best thing to do is ignore it. Don't respond to her sister and tell your friends not to share info on her with you. You may just be lonely and curious

Personally I think you should contact her!

So what is the worst case scenario.. if it doesn't work out?

Heartbreak and pain? Sure.

But that beats a lifetime of regret hands down.

Personally I think you should contact her!

 

So what is the worst case scenario.. if it doesn't work out?

Heartbreak and pain? Sure.

 

But that beats a lifetime of regret hands down.

Sincerely, I don't know about this.

After BU, all the time I was the one who has been initiating contact.

Of course, I was the dumper and it was expected from me.

The problem is that every time I was suggesting reconciliation (which was at least 4-5 times) and proving my love, I was facing rejection from her. Our last but one contact ended in bad terms.

She told me not to disturb her because she was in a relationship.

Even the last time the contact was initiated by me. The natural disaster stroke my family too as well as hers, but she didn't contact me to check if we were ok.

The more I was nice to her, the more she was running away from me.

Because of that I decided not to chase after her anymore.

I made clear in my head that If she wanted she would contact me. She knows my phone number. This was the clear message for me that she wanted me out of her life.

That was a closer which provided peace in my heart for few months.

Even now when I'm getting some strange signals from her (or I think that I am getting), I still believe that if she wants me back she knows my number and she should call, especially because our last contact (during which I was very supportive) finished in good terms.

I don't know.

What do you think, does above additional information provide some other perspectives on this situation?