How can I trust him again?

We've been together for 3 years. He was divorced for 2 years before I met him. He's 33 and I'm 25. He is also my first serious relationship.

My problem is, I just found out that 2 years into our relationship he text his ex-wife that he loves her. (originally he said it was meant for his kids.) I waited a year to get the truth.. Around the same time he also was sent a video (porn) by an old neighbor claiming it was his ex so he saved that to his phone ("to use against her in court"..) And then his cousin popped into our life out of nowhere and inquired as to why he wouldn't just go back to his ex since he owes so much child support and he misses his kids anyway. He ended up getting drunk and paranoid that his cousin was seeing his ex and then he told his ex she was the one for him minutes after telling me that he would never betray me. The thing is, she wants nothing to do with him so I'm thinking I might just be a convenient backup.. I asked before we got serious that there was no way he would reconcile with her but maybe he was lying...

In our first year together he lost his license and I have been driving 4+ hours a day for the last 2 years helping him get to work etc. ( his job requires travel.) He's getting his license back soon and I've noticed he's deleting calls he makes to his ex. He says it's because he knows I'll be upset. How does that help me rebuild any trust for him? If he's lying about phone calls- when he's free to drive he'll start lying about visits, right? I've put so much into this relationship and I feel so drained from being suspicious.

Overall he's blamed his mistakes on missing his kids or being depressed from not having a license... But when someone looks into your eyes and adamantly denies doing hurtful things you know they've done... How do you not hate them for lying?

When he kisses me I feel sick... will that last forever?

Time to move on. What is it you even hope to salvage here?

He does not sounds ready or stable for a new relationship. yes, you could be a convenience.

He NEEDS to deal with his 'kids' here, that's it. ( No idea what some porn is gonna do for him/her in court?).

Look at your last line " When he kisses me I feel sick". YOU are losing it! over him & her. Is this what you want?

Do you want these insecurities? Is this healthy? No. AND to test his Ex how he 'loves her' after 2 yrs with you?

He's becoming too dependant on you re: driving him so much etc.

Whether they'd end up back together, or not. He sounds a bit messed up. I think you need to let this guy go- he needs to sort himself out. The ONLY reason they need to communicate now is in regards to the kids, involved.

He sounds like a hot mess.

I am not sure why you are with a guy who is so dependent on you, behind in his child support, and lying through his teeth every third sentence.

You're still young, you can find a better guy than this, I guarantee it. Please, get this guy out of your life for your own good!

I'm sure the guy does need some type of help, but that isn't your job. Your job is to take care of yourself, and spending your days shuttling him around because he was too irresponsible to be sober while driving is not taking care of yourself. Obviously he isn't over his ex, so yeah, he will probably try to contact her more when he has his license back.

But yeah, he needs to get a wake up call and focus on paying that child support and being a dad, not on exploiting his younger girlfriend, and the only person in the position to give him that wake up call is you. Dump him and move on. Both of you will be the better for it, even if it is hard to do at the time.

I noticed early on that he had some post-divorce baggage but didn't mind it because he seemed very truthful and loving towards me. I also felt bad for what he went through.. He lost everything in short period of time.. But it's been years now..

He swears that having his license will allow him to earn more money so he can pay the child support and finally introduce me to his family (because his ex won't be angry at him anymore and his kids will stop hearing from her that he doesn't care), he'll be able to take his kids out and be a better dad etc. Basically, everything will fall into place once he's driving and our relationship will become more normal.

Which is what I've been hoping to salvage.. A normal healthy relationship that has yet to be.

Is it possible these drunken indiscretions he's made don't reflect a lack of love/respect for me?

I'm struggling to trust him because I can't read him at all..

He lost his license due to a drunken CHOICE ---- driving.

This is a man who takes no personal responsibility for his actions.

He has a responsiblity to his children. He has abdicated it.

He is lucky he had you to USE.

And the porn/cousin thing --- come on. Wake up.

I left him when I sent her that text but our apartment is kind of in the middle of nowhere so he called and begged for a ride to work everyday. I eventually moved back in and swept everything under the rug. I just feel so guilty abandoning him and our dog that I adore. If it's worth mentioning I have terrible anxiety and low confidence. I owe my college so much that I can't return and finish for a while and I have no real work experience. I'm not so sure I can do better..

Being alone would be better.

I left him when I sent her that text but our apartment is kind of in the middle of nowhere so he called and begged for a ride to work everyday. I eventually moved back in and swept everything under the rug. I just feel so guilty abandoning him and our dog that I adore. If it's worth mentioning I have terrible anxiety and low confidence. I owe my college so much that I can't return and finish for a while and I have no real work experience. I'm not so sure I can do better..

You need to spend sometime learning what codependency is and how not to be the enabler. That's what you have become.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm going to read about codependency and although it's going to be hard, I'll try to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.

It may not be right away, but eventually you will find somebody better. You're a kind and compassionate young woman, and there are men out there who will appreciate that and will offer you the same level of kindness you offer them instead of exploiting your good nature. I sincerely hope you find one of those good men.

As for your difficult economic situation, everybody in their 20s is dealing with godawful debt and a bad job market, so nobody expects you to be majorly successful. But if you focus on bettering yourself, there's a good chance you will not only feel better, but you may also find Mr. Right somewhere around you, also trying to better himself. Quite honestly, that's the main problem with your current guy--that he doesn't care enough about himself, his children, or you to get his life together and make things better. You've given him enough time. The excuses of "oh, just wait until _____ happens and everything will be great" is the oldest one in the book. Get out now before he takes you down with him.

People blame their actions on the silliest things.

He lies and acts shady because he misses his kids? WHAT???? Next you will find more bad news and he will blame it on the hamster that died when he was 10.