'Cutting out' a friend

I ‘broke up’ with my friend just less than a month ago. We have been good friends for about 8 years and have always been close, however she has often done slightly questionable things to me that sort of break ‘girl code’ (however, I like to call it common human decency) however, the good always weighed out the bad and I put it down to teenage – drama as I got older, and as adults we got along well. However, she moved countries and I hadn’t seen or heard from her in a year, despite my efforts in keeping in touch. I was happy when she returned but I found on being around her that she had changed. I felt our values didn’t quite match up to say the least. She was disrespectful to me as well as other people, and the way she spoke about her other friends made me question whether or not she was saying similar things about me.

She is now very difficult to speak to, and very argumentative and defensive when I say something she doesn’t agree with – particularly about her. I decided to write an extremely long letter, not knowing until I’d finished it whether or not I’d actually send it to her. In it I included suggestions such as therapy and self-reflection, that I wanted my friend back but wasn’t sure how to go about it, to embrace the people around her that love and care about her instead of talking about them badly, and also that I was sorry that it had come to having to write a letter rather than get it all out face to face. I also requested she take some time to think about what I had said and to perhaps read it again before she replied. I suggested giving it a few days to see how she felt.

Although I had worked on this letter for a week, she replied immediately denying almost all of the things I had told her I was uncomfortable with and specifying that I keep this all just between us. She apologised for one thing, which was insignificant and barely had anything to do with my main point. She then wrote to me again repeating that she wanted it all to be a secret, making me think that she cared more about me bad-mouthing her than what I actually had to say to her.

I decided to give up at that stage and we haven’t spoken for a month. Today she asked me to meet with her on Sunday but I feel like she won’t have changed with the way she dismissed my letter so easily. I am really sad to let go of a friend I have known for so long, but I am also nervous that seeing her so soon will do more harm than good. Right now I have left the door ever so slightly ajar, but perhaps seeing her and then realising that my letter has had no effect might slam it shut forever. This worries me as I’ve never had to ‘cut out’ a close friend before, I’ve always had enough empathy to seek out what is wrong underneath any temporary ill treatment they might have given me and they have always opened up to me. However, her leaving for a year without any contact and then returning, expecting everything to be the same has left a void in our friendship and I’m not sure whether or not I want to patch things up.

I would not meet her. It will be an hour+ of her telling you that you are wrong about her, etc.

Nothing will be different from her response to your letter.

BTW --- telling a "friend" to seek therapy and self reflection --- sounds more like preaching than friendship.

Maybe see what she has to say? I would at least give her the opportunity to say something. But if it's the same useless drivel I would stop her right there and just leave.

I know it is hard to give up a friendship but sometimes we have to do these things to maintain our own boundaries and our own sense of sanity.

I would not meet her. It will be an hour+ of her telling you that you are wrong about her, etc.

 

Nothing will be different from her response to your letter.

 

BTW --- telling a "friend" to seek therapy and self reflection --- sounds more like preaching than friendship.

Yes I completely agree, mhowe. We have discussed in depth about her year away since, and she had gone through a lot. However what she had gone through, she admits, is of her own doing. I was simply suggesting that she find out the reason why life is so meaningless without her subconsciously/consciously starting drama with people and then running away from the explosion (why she came back in the first place) only to start it all up again now that she is here

Uggh --- bomb throwers! I hate them. They are energy vampires and exhausting.

I really see no point in meeting her... It's not about who's right or wrong. You don't enjoy time with her. You're not a good match as friends.

So what's the point in going to lunch together?