HelpLess and Its my Fault

I have been dating this guy for over a year now and like a typical couple, we argue usually over text and its becoming more frequent like every week instigated by me. He broke up with me last October because he found out and read most of my personal messages to my guy friend. There was a little flirting but nothing serious. After 2 weeks of no contact, he came to me and wanted us back together. After that everything was fine until we had these fights and he usually keep on mentioning what happened during our last breakup. The past couple of weeks have been tough for me. Usually when I have my period I have this irritable and erratic mood. So we had an argument over a text for the reason that I was tired of him not texting me almost every night. His reasons were he was busy with his kids (he has two kids from his previous marriage). He has custody of them for the summer. Anyway, we argue but he told me he dont want us to fight and we made up. Then after a week, I got angry again for no apparent reason and he told me hes tired of my attitude and my way of thinking. But we made up a day after. But this week, was the last falling out. He was out with his family last Easter Sunday and I was out with my family 3 hours away from him. He texted me five times and I didn't get to reply cause I was having a stomach flu. I got diarrhea along with vomiting. When he texted me again thats when I told him I havent been feeling really well and I have diarrhea and vomiting as well. Then suddenly, he texted me this "When did that start? Can I ask you something?" Then he called me up and asked me if I have gotten my period. I'm 30 and hes 31. I told him don't worry cause Im not pregnant. I asked him why are you scared of me getting pregnant? And he told me he sucks at being a dad to his kids and he doesnt want to suck with another child more. I was heartbroken and I cried with his answers. After a few hours I texted him I wanted to end our relationship for the mere reason that I want someone who wants to have children with me. He didnt answer me back.

After three days, I kinda missed him so I texted him and told him I was wrong and Im sorry and I wanted us back together and that Im going to his city today and was hoping I could see him. I still havent got a reply from him.

What does this all mean? Am i going to assume that this is his way of telling me to leave him alone and move on? Are we really done for sure? How should I know if were done if he isnt talking to me? Ive been crying for days now. Please help.

You want kids in the future and he is done having kids. Don't try to change his mind, accept it and move on. Leave him in peace. He has enough on his plate without a volatile relationship to boot.

I have been dating this guy for over a year now and like a typical couple, we argue usually over text and its becoming more frequent like every week instigated by me.

I disagree that a "typical couple" argues over text. When I saw at the end of your post that you're both in your thirties, I was surprised. The behaviors you describe seem kind of immature.

With the reliance on texting as communication, the constant arguing, and the fact that he doesn't want more children and you do- what's the point? I am also wondering if there's any truth to him saying he sucks at being a father to his children. For a guy to even say that would be a huge turnoff to me.

I disagree that a "typical couple" argues over text. When I saw at the end of your post that you're both in your thirties, I was surprised. The behaviors you describe seem kind of immature.

 

With the reliance on texting as communication, the constant arguing, and the fact that he doesn't want more children and you do- what's the point? I am also wondering if there's any truth to him saying he sucks at being a father to his children. For a guy to even say that would be a huge turnoff to me.

I get your point. We live far away from each other like 3-4hours drive so we usually just text or skype each other. I also don't understand him cause he always overanalyzes my texts to the point that he will become distant in his replies so thats usually the start of our arguments. But the past few weeks I was the one who instigated our fights and told him the reason to that would be my insecurities in our relationship. He never once told me about his plans for the future or if I'm part of it. But I shrugged it off cause we enjoyed each others company. We were like best friends. We tend to agree on most things except the fighting part when he always gives me the silent treatment. There was one time when we have this fight over a minor issue then he told me to go hang out with guys cause thats who I am, an easy girl and it gotten to a point that I told him to break up with me. We didnt talk for like a week then he apologized and we got back together again. The most frustrating thing when we have disagreements is he stonewalls me every time and give me the silent treatment. But I still love him I really do. Its like losing a part of you and your best friend. Weve been together for only a year and 4 months but weve been through a lot. But we got back until now. I guess he got tired of all my nonsense.

Im still hoping deep down he will change his mind about having kids. I just want to be with him. I also dont think that NC would work this time.

He won't change his mind about having more children --- he already has one and is a lousy father, by his own admission.

And fighting all the time, over texts, is not a sign of a relationship destined to last.

He doesn't want children--period or with you.

You need to make sure your birth control is as foolproof as possible because an accidental pregnancy will kill any relationship that may still be happening after he gets back in contact with you.

I think your relationship has played itself out now. The fighting for no reason, you wanting to have children, him not having the kind of time required to focus on you because his children are his priority and will remain so for the foreseeable future. Tantrumming isn't going to change those facts, so you might as well nip this in the bud now and find someone else whose life is more aligned to what you want for it than this guy.

Fighting is an indicator of incompatibility.

He doesn't want children--period or with you.

 

You need to make sure your birth control is as foolproof as possible because an accidental pregnancy will kill any relationship that may still be happening after he gets back in contact with you.

 

I think your relationship has played itself out now. The fighting for no reason, you wanting to have children, him not having the kind of time required to focus on you because his children are his priority and will remain so for the foreseeable future. Tantrumming isn't going to change those facts, so you might as well nip this in the bud now and find someone else whose life is more aligned to what you want for it than this guy.

I'm crying now cause what you just told me hurts a lot and its the truth. I just cant admit to myself that our relationship is done. I dont think I could find another person who likes the same things as I do. And I know I sound like an immature person at her thirties. My friends told me I'm living in denial. I just dont think its fair for him to do this to me. Whenever we fought then hell tell me its over between us then the next day hell just say sorry and Im like okay and were back again. And these past few disagreements showed that he doesnt want us to fight. But this is the only time I initiated the break up And now hes not talking to me after I told him I made a mistake and apologized to him just like what he did to me whenever we had a fight like these caused by him. It sucks feeling this way.

It does suck, but yes, I too get the feeling that this relationship has run its course.

Maybe it's not that he doesn't want any more kids ever again, maybe he just doesn't feel you two are meant to be together forever, because of the constant fighting, and the last thing he would need is you becoming pregnant. He seems majorly paranoid about that. And your relationship really doesn't sound all that healthy.

Yes, you will find another man who likes the same things as you, and more.

The best thing (and only thing) you can do right now is give him space, don't contact him, let him cool off, maybe he will come back when all this blows over. But if he doesn't, it means he is over this relationship and you need to keep no contact, so you can start healing and move on.

You will find someone better suited for you, who likes the same things you do and who wants what you want. Never, ever believe in the lies denial is telling you. It might not be by the end of this week, but you will find someone else.

The person(s) he is obligated to be the most fair to is/are his children right now. If he feels that he's struggling that hard to be a good father, then that means he's not in the mental space to be dating. He can't give a woman the attention, focus and priority she deserves to have.

It could also be his chicken s**t way of getting you to do his dirty work for him by pushing you beyond your endurance to the point where you lashed out like this. Now, he's not the bad guy having to come back grovelling, hat in hand, asking for a second chance.

In the long run, you did yourself a huge favor. He is taking up emotional space that you need to free up for a man who wants to come into your life, make you his priority, marry you and make his babies with you. I can appreciate that it doesn't seem like you did yourself a favor, but one day in the future you will look back on this and thank your lucky stars that you took this action because the new guy is everything and more that you want.

Cry for your loss, grieve the end of things, move through the process and come out on the other side. The sun will shine in your heart again.

Its hard going through the same emotions again..feelings of rejection and being unwanted. Reading all your comments made me realize that I'm deluded enough to be thinking that my relationship with him will have a happy ending. Its hard to deal with these mixed emotions and I am tired of crying myself to sleep. But thank you all for giving me your time and effort. I dont know what to do with my life right now especially I know that he is now gone for good cause I have that feeling in my gut that yeah our relationship has hit a deadend. I just hope someday he will have the guts to tell me its really over rather than giving me this silent treatment cause I know I deserved better than that. After everything weve been through...I deserve better.

I think you said it in your previous post.. you are afraid of not finding someone who likes the same thing you do? So you want to find a guy who loves to argue, fight over a text and differs on opinion on having kids? How is this exactly someone that likes the same things you do?

How I see it is that you are deathly afraid of being single or alone. Everything else is a result of that fear. So you would rather give in and be with someone who doesn't share your views and hope that everything works out.

Do you really think he is the only guy out there? The one guy in a billion who likes the same things you do? If you get back with him, how long before you two have yet another argument? 3 days perhaps?

Truth is that he is not right for you, and you are not right for him. The mixed emotions are that of fear. You want to find another guy, but you don't want to let go of the one you have now. If you want to be happy and free to be you, then let go of the guy and youll find another one. If you want to continue to fight and be miserable just hang on to the one you have now.. don't worry youll end up fighting again next week.

I agree with the others that the relationship is dead and I would advise you to seriously work on your insecurities. If you have period mood sings, you need to see a doctor about this.

I agree with the others that the relationship is dead and I would advise you to seriously work on your insecurities. If you have period mood sings, you need to see a doctor about this.

Im not an insecure girl but i am with him. Ive been crying today. Its hard to accept the fact that my relaionship with him is over without even a bleep from him. Cant he just tell me straight up that its really over so that i could move on and not give me this silent treatment?

Im not an insecure girl but i am with him. Ive been crying today. Its hard to accept the fact that my relaionship with him is over without even a bleep from him. Cant he just tell me straight up that its really over so that i could move on and not give me this silent treatment?

You're going to have to get that from yourself.

I agree with ken that will need to come from within.

Relationships can bring out all kinds of insecurities we don't feel when we are not in a relationship.