Ex GF suddenly marries

Hey,

My ex and I dated (LD) for about 2 years, and broke up almost 11 months ago. She was the one who wanted out, though it was I that had to push for an answer.

About 3 months after we broke, she went to the US (we're European) to live with another guy, and to try pursuing some career dreams. Now, 6-7 months after her coming to see him for the first time (since then she's lived with him in the US for the majority of the time), I get word that they have suddenly married, rather secretly.

I've felt quite well over her the last couple of months, but this still hit like a sledgehammer in the gut.

What do you make of something like this? Perhaps part of the decision is for practical reasons, i.e residency. But even so, I cannot get past how crazy it feels. We're both in our early 30s by the way.

Most likely residency issues.

However...it was a LD for you and a year ago.

Now you can end this chapter and move on.

Thanks for your reply.

I still find it crazy to believe she would do so mainly for residency, it seems very drastic.

And yeah, ending chapters. I'm trying...I don't get why I feel such a strong bond to her.

Stop dwelling on it...she isn't coming back.

Let the "bond" go and move on.

Who says I'm expecting her to come back? I don't.

I'm only trying to make sense of what has happened. When someone you loved not too long ago, and couldn't help loving even after you broke up suddenly marries, I think it's understandable to feel a bit down. I'll no doubt get past this, as I was well on my way already, but I do want to understand, futile as it may be.

I understand what you're saying. Give it time. Its hard when we hear that someone we once loved has moved on.

I try to remember that we never know the whole story. Maybe she loves this guy, maybe she needs a green card, maybe they got pregnant by accident, maybe they will divorce six months after this, etc.

Let yourself feel what you are feeling, deal with it, and when the time is right you will wake up one day not thinking about it at all. Heck I dated a guy for four months who didn't want to be bf/gf and I'm having a tough time getting over it!

Who says I'm expecting her to come back? I don't.

 

I'm only trying to make sense of what has happened. When someone you loved not too long ago, and couldn't help loving even after you broke up suddenly marries, I think it's understandable to feel a bit down. I'll no doubt get past this, as I was well on my way already, but I do want to understand, futile as it may be.

18 months + visa/residency issues is enough time to know if the partner is right.

This may be hard to accept but she was emotionally checked out of your relationship long before the actual break up. Also, she didn't just move, she moved in with another guy. Whatever you had with her was already long over at that point. It would seem like you were still harboring some hope that she'll come back and you'll pick up where you had left off, so the finality of her marriage kind of hits you in the gut that whatever vague hopes or feelings you've still had lingering are out. I don't know. She is entitled to live her life and be happy. Time for you to focus on your present life and stop looking backwards at what your ex might be doing.

Who says I'm expecting her to come back? I don't.

 

I'm only trying to make sense of what has happened. When someone you loved not too long ago, and couldn't help loving even after you broke up suddenly marries, I think it's understandable to feel a bit down. I'll no doubt get past this, as I was well on my way already, but I do want to understand, futile as it may be.

It is understandable that new like this might knock you back but in all honestly this isn't something for you try to make sense of or to "understand". Dwelling on it or trying to make sense of it is pointless because no-one knows the reason behind their "sudden" marriage. We don't know whether it really is for residency, that is just speculation. We don't really know what the reasons are. It could actually be for love! It is better to assume that and carry on moving on.

18 months + visa/residency issues is enough time to know if the partner is right.

Not sure I follow

Thanks for the replies. I agree with most of what you all are saying. I think the issue is that for me, it ended when I was at my most invested in the relationship emotionally. It took me a long time to get there, whereas for her, the curve probably went the other way. Hell, 5 weeks before we had our "break" that led to breakup, we were browsing for houses in my area, albeit perhaps not very seriously.

.... Also, she didn't just move, she moved in with another guy...

Well, she just went to see him for the first time. Took a chance. She didn't intend to move there permanently at that point, even though there probably were career reasons involved.

Well, she just went to see him for the first time. Took a chance. She didn't intend to move there permanently at that point, even though there probably were career reasons involved.

She didn't pull him out of the blue. They had already connected before her going there and connected enough for her to take a chance. That chance worked out and that's really all there is to it. Sometimes it happens like that. She just wasn't the one for you and you weren't the one for her. Your one is still out there, so best focus on finding her.

Like you said yourself, the signs that your relationship was in trouble were there before the actual break up and that was all her. Time to let all of this go so you can find the woman you deserve.

He's stated multiple times that it isn't about moving on since he's well on his way already. It's the feelings that came along with hearing about the marriage that seem confusing (not sure if that's the right word).

Honestly, if I was with someone for 2 years, long distance or otherwise - I'd be feeling a little off too if I heard he married only 7 months after our breakup. That seems VERY fast. Not only in general, but ESPECIALLY for someone who JUST got out of a longish term relationship. Feeling any particular way about it wouldn't mean I was longing for someone I once loved just because he was no longer available. It's just weird to think about that fact.

Anyway, I think what you're feeling is normal. It seems kind of fast and crazy because it is a little fast and crazy. Some people do get lucky and feel that instant connection and feeling of "oh wow, this will last forever!". That's probably all it was. She got lucky and found it. Even if it were 'other' reasons, just be happy about the time you had together and wish her well with her future

Ah well, you know they always say that. The instant connection, "this feels totally different from what I've had before". She told me the same. I appreciate your thoughts though. We did have issues towards the end, as all LDRs do I guess. The breakup wasn't 7 months ago - it was almost 11. She met this guy 7 months ago first time.

As a curious sidenote, the guy she married separated from his wife almost exactly a year ago, after around 10 years of marriage...I think she left him. Guess they married at 19 or something. Maybe he's secretly amish.

How are you getting this information? It might be better if you stop getting information about her life.

How are you getting this information? It might be better if you stop getting information about her life.

About the former marriage? I was aware of that even when we still were together. She knew the guy/were friends with him in a professional fashion for some time, without having met him.

And for the other stuff, yes I spent the first few months stalking online like an idiot, like so many do. Not for quite a while now though. And we have mutual friends.

With all things and circumstances considered, I'm becoming more convinced that residency is a big factor here. As crazy as it sounds, it seems the more rational explanation, and she is overall a very rational person. A very rational person that's still inclined to do crazy spur of the moment things....

I'm sure she feels she loves him at this point, but the marriage itself...there's probably more to it.

I have just found out that my ex of 10 months is engaged to the person she left me for and they are getting married this summer. Sledgehammer to the gut is good way to describe it!! I am trying to process my thoughts on it, for me it is reminiscent of my feelings immediately after break up, though not so intense. My ex and I are mid 30s and I think that might be relevant, if you think you have found a deep mutual connection with someone you might be eager not to hang around, I know if I fell in love I would probably contemplate marriage a lot sooner in the relationship. If there is visa issues aswell, you may just feel like taking a chance and going for it. I know my ex broke up with me, made her choice and is just getting on with her life, seeking out happiness in the best way she can, she is not thinking about me who how I would react. I think it is crazy how quickly she moved on, it feels like our relationship is devalued but heck I don't know what her feelings are around it and it is nothing to do with me. I don't mean to go on about me, but I just wanted to say I am going through something similar is it sucks!! I know the answer is move on with my life and get to a happier place and then I don't think it would have such an effect.

Take care - I am sure there is someone better out there for us and this hurt is just temporary.

I still find it crazy to believe she would do so mainly for residency, it seems very drastic.

I strongly suspect my Ex is being pursued by a foreign guy who wants to marry her to get a Green Card. Within 9 days (as of 16 March 2014) of them going out for the first time, he announced on his Facebook in Spanish to family and friends his love for her and already talked about the wedding. He was very desperate in their first week to sweep her off her feet with roses and asked her to be his girlfriend. He almost certainly has an ulterior motive. I wonder what she will do when he proposes.

I'm sure she feels she loves him at this point, but the marriage itself...there's probably more to it.

And you will not know for sure. It's been a year ... let it go and do not stalk her online.

Sledgehammer to the gut is good way to describe it!! I am trying to process my thoughts on it, for me it is reminiscent of my feelings immediately after break up, though not so intense.

That is very much exactly my own experience of it. I can most definitely relate. What bothers me is how it had to happen right now, when I've almost recovered and things have felt pretty good for some time. And suddenly you find yourself knocked back down on the ground.

About your ex, sure, she is seeking her own happiness and moving on, but we can never know to what extent these things also hurt the ones who left, unless they honestly say so of course. And while hope is a very dangerous and often stupid thing (one should always strive to forget, ignore and move on) life really is completely and wholly unpredictable. Really, nobody can know what will happen... with anything at all.

Be well!