Back Again - racist mother drove us apart

I love this site, it got me through a very hard time in the fall. But I hate the fact that I had a reason to come back. I was doing so well for so long, that I didn't feel the need to come here and read about relationships or dating or heartache or anything.

I apparently didn't learn from my mistakes. Shame on me. I'm so angry with myself. I've lived with my parents since my separation/divorce in 2009. I moved in for financial reasons. Then my Dad died in 2011. My brother lived with us shortly after that, but then he moved to California in 2012. I now have the means to support my son and I (I don't get child support from deadbeat dad). But I've stayed with my Mom because she is mentally ill and has alienated herself from her family and friends. She only leaves the house to go to the doctors, and if she's out she might stop at a store.

I began dating Rich in October, and I was hesitant because he is black, and I knew my Mom was gonig to have a hard time with it. A) she doesn't want me happy, B) she's racist. She's afraid when I get close to men that she is going to lose me. Like I will forget that I have a mother.

In December we had a huge blowout fight. She physically attacked me, spit in my face, called me an N lover....horrible things. Two weeks later she was crying how sorry she was and how she can't believe she does this to me and how am I ever going to forgive her. She always seems so sincere in these apologies.

I will admit, it's nice having money to do things by living with my mother. I pay a small amount of rent, I do a large amount of things for her, and I buy most of the groceries. I assure you, although I don't pay a lot of rent, I do not feel I take advantage of her. She is always trying to buy me and my son stuff, and I am always telling her no, we don't need it. I always tell her she does more than enough by letting us live there so cheap.

So, we have a family wedding coming up in May. She knew I planned to bring Rich. And it's been eating at her. I got her to admit she's worried about what the family will think when I walk in with a black man. Thursday I asked if she was going to the wedding (I wasn't sure if she sent her RSVP in). She RSVP'd yes but wasn't sure if she was going. She would "see how I feel that day." I told her how wrong that is, they are paying for her to be there, she can't "see how she feels that day." She got angry with me and said I can't tell her what to do. Then Friday she was ignoring me, I tried repeatedly to get her to talk to me. So I finally said she's acting like a child and should grow up. Well that set her off. She didn't attack me, but said I can't live there (which I whole heartedly agree, shame on me for not moving out sooner, I promise I wish I had). She called Rich a pimp, said that's why he's private on FB, he doesn't want people knowing his business cause he's a pimp. Other things were said, in defense or Rich I said bad things to her. I played right into it.

I went to Rich's to spend the night. My son was spending the night at his friends' house to go fishing the next morning. Rich knew something was wrong when I got to his house, but I said I didn't want to talk about it.

Saturday night I finally told him what's been gonig on. I was so hopefully my mom would come around. A few weeks ago she asked to meet him. So as far as he knew, she was coming around. I didn't tell him that every week or so she gets in a mood about me dating him, or that we've fought about him since December. He said if he did know, he would have ended our relationship sooner.

He basically said if we contine dating while I live with her, he's always going to fear setting her off. Is him calling me (we talked nightly) going to set her off? Will it set her off when I spend the weekend at his house? He said he won't be responsible for breaking up a family.

He did say "I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to work and go home. I'll be here for you if you need me. I'm not going back on the dating site." But he insists it can't work out with me living with my Mom.

I'm looking for a place. Not for him. Partially for him. But living with my Mom is constantly living on pins and needles. I always have to wonder when I'm going to do something to set her off. I spend time with Rich and my son, I'm back in school, I work full time, I do volunteer work, and I do housework on weekends. Probably 3-5 times in two weeks I'll buy dinner out somehwere. She likes to make comments about how "Other women work full time and still come home and cook dinner." or other things. She'll try to make me feel like a bad mother (I assure you, I'm not.)

This is by far the healthiest relationship I've been in my whole adult life. I was with my ex husband from the time I was 18 until I was 32. I dated a bunch of slimeballs after that. Met one good guy, but I wasn't emotionally ready. Met another decent guy who has severe self esteem issues and wasn't over his wife (he was separated). Rich isnt' perfect, but he's truly perfect for me. He has his quirks, which I find endearing. I told him all of the time that his quirks may annoy me, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm not devastated by this break up like I was the last one because I feel, deep down, like this is the one for me and things will work out. I guess I"m here looking for support. I have the support of my friends, but you guys at ENA rock when it comes to this stuff.

I don't think your mother drove you apart. I think the outcome is a result of personal choices: yours to remain living with your mother despite obvious problems, and your bf's for deciding he didn't want to deal with it. Your mother, out of all three people in this scenario, has actually done very little. She's just being who she is, a person who happens to be mentally ill, according to your description.

I think you're right about moving out.

I think that you need to decide what you want - extra money or love. I think its time to make a choice with all the money you save with living with mom and find yourself an apartment. Whether your child gets the bedroom and you get the sleep sofa, its a two bedroom, or you find a place that is a single mom with a child looking to share rent on her home with another similar woman (i have seen ads like that by me all the time where the mom either wants to split the rent or someone to pay a lot less rent in exchange for watching her child a couple nights a week so she can go to night school.

btw, if you did do something like that, mom wouldn't bother you so much and you might even find she is forced to come around on her view in order to see you at all.

I also think that you should not call your mom childish or call her out on what she wants to do at a wedding. If she doesn't go, just say "should i tell aunt bess you say hello" and go without her. She wants drama - don't dish it out. Also, if you showed up and the rest of your family isn't racist or is the type that wouldn't say anything to anyone's face, they just might find that Rich is a nice guy and end up liking him and you might have more allies to tell mom what a gentleman he is.

But now, bottom line is that you can't live for your mom's approval any more. You could date a very preppy white guy of 100% western european descent or her very heritege and she could find something even more horrible about him!

So...make the choice. whether you are with Rich or not - don't take any more of this abuse. She is not going to change, so there is no ending it by "making her see". Its time to move on and its a shame for you to break up with Rich over a parent. If you were 15, I could totally see breaking up with someone because your parent doesn't approve of their ethnicity, but definitely not a grown woman.

I spoke to two of my friends about making sure I don't change my mind about moving out again. I'm 37, I need to make it on my own. I'm angry at the situation but I guess this is the push I need to grow up and put my big girl panties on.

I agree with bullet. If you decide to move out soon you two can reconcile.

Good luck finding a new place! Definitely the right move. It sounds like this relationship is worth giving a real chance. I hope everything works out.

I think so too Ms. Darcy. Thank you lady00 and everyone else. He texted tonight to ask how my day was. I know he still loves me the situation as is just stinks. We normally talked every night. I told him this is awful but in a way I understand what he did.

HEY! Guess what! You're 37!!! You make your own decisions! Get your together girl!!! I hate to be rude but come on. You're a grown- woman. Get it together. You have a kid? I mean really. Mama drama is for teens. If she doesn't like it the her. Go on your own with Rich. This is your life. No one owns you. Be independent and make your own dang decisions. How long Are you planning to live via your mother's requests or stipulations? She can like it or not. If she loves you eventually she can come around and get her head out of her bum. Sorry --- this is harsh but I mean really?! You're 37. DO WHAT YOU WANT! GET YOUR OWN PLACE if it take 4 jobs. Do it. Just move forward.

I totally deserve the harsh words, so feel free to bring it. This is all my fault. This happened back in 2012, a small version of it happened in 2013, and now this is the second time it's happened since December with Rich. Like my friend said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I kept this from him. We are supposed to be in a relationship and I was trying to protect her by not being open with him about how she was acting. He was so angry with me, and I deserved it.

I'm going to look at a place today that sounds promising. Decent neighborhood, nice size, nice price. Not modern, but I don't care. I'm trying not to get my hopes up cause it kinda fell into my lap and if it sounds too good to be true and all that.

HEY! Guess what! You're 37!!! You make your own decisions! Get your Sh**t together girl!!! I hate to be rude but come on. You're a grown-a$$ woman. Get it together. You have a kid? I mean really. Mama drama is for teens. If she doesn't like it the F her. Go on your own with Rich. This is your life. No one owns you. Be independent and make your own dang decisions. How long Are you planning to live via your mother's requests or stipulations? She can like it or not. If she loves you eventually she can come around and get her head out of her bum. Sorry --- this is harsh but I mean really?! You're 37. DO WHAT YOU WANT! GET YOUR OWN PLACE if it take 4 jobs. Do it. Just move forward.

Yeah, I wasn't meaning to be harsh on you. I was just trying to kind of wake you up. I got a "serious infractions" notification and message from the moderators here, which I'm actually kind of irritated about as I am allowed to give my advice as a human, but anyhow, sorry if I was too harsh. At any rate, yes, you are a grown up. Take & own the responsibilities and NEVER let anyone, be it your mom, the pope, or a stranger, make you feel less than worthy. In the end you have only yourself to be proud of, reflect on, and rely on. Be positive -- you can get through it. If you love the guy, stand up for your relationship. No one can judge you if you don't let them.

I didn't complain about your post. It's exactly what I need. I need tough love so to say. Sorry you got the infraction. I love this site and the support it provides.

So today I texted him because I'm upset. We've been doing the polite light contact thing and it's killing me. I told him I need him emotionally. He said he needs physical and emotional distance. I haven't been hounding him. He reached out to me Tuesday and Thursday but the light unemotional contact has been driving me crazy so I reached out today.

Do I go no contact? I don't want a strategy. I want to know how to make it through this. I removed him on FB when he broke up with me.

His texts today make sense but hurt. His one text said this

I had to distance myself in both ways. I didn't know how you were before but because of this situationist looked to me that you need to stand on your own before trying to lean on me or anyone else.i knew you had issues with your mom but never realized how bad it was. I should have stepped aside when this first happened and now I feel guilty and responsible for not doing what I thought was right at that moment.

Another text

I'm still your friend but like i said it's a screwed up situation and I'm trying to keep some distance.

Another one

I also said I was here if you need me so if you wanted my help it was on the table.

This all sounds noble and admirable to me but I'm still so hurt.

I found a very promising place to stay. It's recently vacant and the owner needs to do work and cleaning. They said about a month which is perfect cause I was aiming for June 1.

I need to do what's right for me emotionally. I told him he has his space but the casual contact is hurting me.

Anyone, advice on post 11????

Give it time. I understand his point of view because I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriends family hates me, hates me with a fiery passion. It got to a point where I seriously considered ending the relationship with him because I didn't want to be the source of contention in that family.

Hopefully you will get the new place and you and Rich and can start fresh. Even after you move, he will still likely feel responsible for the situation. If he truly loves and cares about you, the relationship will thrive. He needs time, you need time.

I am. I understand he is trying to put my needs above his. I find myself wanting to revert to my old ways. To ignore him when he reaches out. To make him afraid of listing me. I know that's wrong but I'm just so angry with everyone (but mostly myself) right now.

He is being selfless. He wants me to be strong and stand alone before I rely on him. It's so noble and I get it.

But the separation terrifies me. I have abandonment issues and while I've worked long and hard on them this has set them off. I'm terrified that this will be over and I will lose a truly wonderful man.

Part of me says I'm not crying and freaking out cuz it seems like he is trying to do right by me and I think he'll be back once I've made it on my own. The other part says he's never going yo want to be with me cuz of my mother.

Give it time. I understand his point of view because I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriends family hates me, hates me with a fiery passion. It got to a point where I seriously considered ending the relationship with him because I didn't want to be the source of contention in that family.

 

Hopefully you will get the new place and you and Rich and can start fresh. Even after you move, he will still likely feel responsible for the situation. If he truly loves and cares about you, the relationship will thrive. He needs time, you need time.

You have to be seperated, otherwise you will never take action.

Normally I suggest NC, but I think you should tell him that you are looking for a place and that you will contact him when you are settled or have news on that front and right now it is too painful to hear from him if you can't be together. Use your pain as motivation. Honestly, if not Rich, all of your relationships have an expiration date as long as you live with your mother unless the guy you date has a ton of baggage himself.

When you are not living with mom, mom can be someone you meet together in public where she has a "buffer" of "the public" which is much different than living with mom.

I understand hoping a relative will change their spots, and looking at things that seem hopeful. Believe me, my MIL wavers from being decent and quite nice to stark raving nuts. And every time she's in one of her good phases - I let myself relax and let my guard down, and get slapped for it later. I know better, as I'm sure deep down, you knew better. But being family, there's always that nugget of hope that THIS time it will be different.

However - now you're at a crux. Rich seems like a good fit for you and your son. He doesn't have to be a good fit for your mom - SHE isn't dating him and looking at him as a partner. And at this point - you need to step back and look at the big picture as an outsider. What will be the ultimate results of either of your choices?

Frankly, I'd say if you did give in and stay with your mom, not only will you have added resentment piling in as a guest - but you'll always question if this guy could have been THE one for you. And you'll blame your mom for losing him - not going to help an already volatile relationship.

Now, if you do move out and give this a shot? Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know you didn't sabotage it, or allow your situation to rule your life instead of taking that leap.

My vote? Move out as planned. Sometimes a bit of distance from a parent can give THEM a different perspective as well.

Thanks, you are right. I re read a post of yours from December in the family section and it really set me straight.

You're right, we can't be together until I get my butt in gear. And I know he is doing what he feels is best for me. He could stay with me and be selfish but he's not, he's stepping back for me and what's right for me.

You have to be seperated, otherwise you will never take action.

 

Normally I suggest NC, but I think you should tell him that you are looking for a place and that you will contact him when you are settled or have news on that front and right now it is too painful to hear from him if you can't be together. Use your pain as motivation. Honestly, if not Rich, all of your relationships have an expiration date as long as you live with your mother unless the guy you date has a ton of baggage himself.

 

When you are not living with mom, mom can be someone you meet together in public where she has a "buffer" of "the public" which is much different than living with mom.

Thanks, you are right. I re read a post of yours from December in the family section and it really set me straight.

 

You're right, we can't be together until I get my butt in gear. And I know he is doing what he feels is best for me. He could stay with me and be selfish but he's not, he's stepping back for me and what's right for me.

He is doing what is best for HIM. It is not healthy for HIM to have to hear her rants and raves when he is being perfectly decent to you. He doesn't want to create drama, and he is mature enough to know that the drama won't leave because she decides to turn over a new leaf. THe best way to end the drama is by you not living with her or by him leaving the picture, and since you are not gone, he has to for his sanity. I have declined to date a man whose family was a mess. I just didn't want that in my life. My ex's family was a mess and like Mesememe, every time I relaxed, I paid for it. He may decide that after all is said and done and you are on your own it is still not a healthy situation for him, but at that point, you would have won for YOU. You need time to move but also time to set a boundary with mom for your own home.

Well he said he wouldn't be responsible for breaking my family up, and ghost he didn't want to lose me but felt he needs to back up for me. I told him he is turning his back on me and he said that is not his intent.

I guess in the end if doesn't matter why he is doing it. It's done and right now we can't be together.

I texted hi happy Easter and that I understood what he is doing. I told him I need reassurance that he's not going anywhere. His reply was

happy Easter!!! I'm glad you understand.

You don't need reassurance you want it. There is a strong woman hiding in there. Don't let a guy, family or friends keep her hidden. Let her out and see where she leads you. Giving you reassurance will not help you.

This guy is the best guy I've ever met. I need to go no contact to focus in me. Right now I'm focusing on him and us and that's wrong. He's right in so many ways.

I guess I'll see what to do if and when he reaches out. Today and yesterday was me reaching out. I need to stand strong, alone, and I hate that.

My insecurity is in overdrive. God I thought I grew so much. I asked him for reassurance that he's not going anywhere and he wouldn't give it to me.

Tuesday he said "I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to work and go home. I'm not going back on the dating site." That was less than a week ago and I know he loves me but I'm freaking out. He thinks reassuring me is holding me back. He wants me to be strong and stand on my own. But then I wonder if he won't reassure me cuz he doesn't want to be around.

Realistically aside from not telling him what was going on with my mom I have done nothing wrong. And I know I was wonderful to him so if this is over forever it is his loss cuz I was wonderful to him (and he to me).

God why am I freaking out like this? I shouldn't want him if he doesn't want me.

He seems to be saying all of the right things. I think he wants me to move out for ME, not for him. I feel like he thinks if he stays in my life right now he won't know why I've done it. He hasn't promised me that we will get back together if I move out, he just said we can't be together in my present circumstances and that he's not going anywhere. So by stepping back he can make sure I'm doing this for me.

Otherwise, why not just make a clean break. Why not just bow out and tell me he wishes me well and all that jazz?

This is killing me. I know he loves me, and it seems like he is trying to do the right thing. Like I said, he could have stayed in my life and been selfish, but he said he doesn't want to risk every time we see each other, and every time he calls, that she will throw me out again.

My abandonment issues are rearing their ugly head. The child side of me says if he loves me he wouldn't do this to me. He woudln't turn his back on me. The mature, grown up side understands completely, the child side says if he turns his back on me I won't be there when he wants to get back together, and a littany of other things!

I know which side is winning, but this child side is really not making it easy.

I made my bed, I need to lie in it. I stayed with my mom who is emotionally abusive to me. I put her needs above those of me and my son. I let her push a wonderful man away from me. This is all my fault. I have to stop looking for others to shed some light on this for me. I have to stop making excuses for my Mom and allowing her to do this for me.

The grown up part of me understands why Rich broke it off. And I know, deep down in my heart, that if I do the right thing by ME, he will be back. I know that. When Erik broke up with me I cried for weeks. I cried on Tuesday when Rich broke up with me, but not daily since then.

I have to believe in him. There are two ways this can turn out. He can choose to never be part of my life again, in which case it will be his loss, or when I've gotten my life in order, on my own, he can come back and be with me. I asked him on Tuesday "Do you really think you'll find another woman like me?" And his answer was a sincere "No."

He knows we had a good thing. I have to stop doubting him, myself, and everyone else. I wouldn't have been with him six months if he didn't have good intentions for me and my son. That doesn't just go away and disappear like my child like mind would like to think.

I have to find a way to silence this child forever.

At this point, you can talk yourself out of moving out of your mom's house because "oh, I would only be doing it for him" or realize that moving out is a healthy part of the adult growth process and it doesn't matter a lick what issue finally kicked your butt into doing it. Some folks move out because they have no choice - someone kicks them out or the family becomes homeless and some by choice.

What bothers me a little bit is you talk about how your mom is affecting your relationships with men - but what about your son? Is he thriving in this dynamic of mom teaching him its better to be comfortable financially and be someone's verbal whipping post than to struggle a little and have the pride of having your own place and stuff? To learn to model after Grandma that its okay to bully and also that you win by catering to all of Grandma's feelings? To me, that would be HUGE motivation to move out where he can visit Grandma but she doesn't have such overarching influence.

I have to believe in him. There are two ways this can turn out. He can choose to never be part of my life again, in which case it will be his loss, or when I've gotten my life in order, on my own, he can come back and be with me. I asked him on Tuesday "Do you really think you'll find another woman like me?" And his answer was a sincere "No."

No - you have to believe in YOU.

There are MANY possibilities and the only "known" is if you stay with your mom. You stay with mom. He stays away forever. And many, many other guys will also. And you come back here complaining about your mom more because of a guy or just for general reasons with nothing ever solved. You move out, you could be back together. You move could move out but its a year later and he has moved on to someone new. You move out but find you are addicted to the drama dynamic and create more drama in your life and he walks from it. You just have no idea what the future will bring, but you have to err on the side of doing what is also best for that young man of yours that you are raising. You have to stop thinking about what Rich's intentions are and take a strong step forward.

See, I'm still learning. I think I'm feeling all of the right things, but I'm not. You're right, I need to be a good role model to my son. I need to show him that I can take care of us. I've made excuses to this point. My ex doesn't pay child support, my Mom needs us, things are better financially if we live there.

My son is sick, and I took him to the Dr this morning. I talked to him while we waited to find out he has strep throat. I said "Did you tell your girlfriend we are moving?" He said yes, she has a lot of questions. I asked how he feels about it. He said he feels good. I said you know we have to move, right? And he said yes. I said are you OK with this all, and he said yes.

My Mom is mostly abusive to me, but she also takes her mood swings out on him. I said to him "Is it only me or do you never know what kind of mood she will be in" and he said, No, you're right. We both can't walk on pins and needles cause we are living in her house and need to worry about her mood of the day.

I really thought I had life figured out. Turns out I still have a lot to learn. Trust me, I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to become the best person I can be. The biggest priority in my life is teaching my son the importance of college and helping him be happy. If he can lead a happy life, my job will be done.

What bothers me a little bit is you talk about how your mom is affecting your relationships with men - but what about your son? Is he thriving in this dynamic of mom teaching him its better to be comfortable financially and be someone's verbal whipping post than to struggle a little and have the pride of having your own place and stuff? To learn to model after Grandma that its okay to bully and also that you win by catering to all of Grandma's feelings? To me, that would be HUGE motivation to move out where he can visit Grandma but she doesn't have such overarching influence.

 

No - you have to believe in YOU.

Just wanted to update this, I posted in personal growth but I found a place and I have the keys. My son and his friends moved a bunch of our stuff yesterday and we are going to move the furniture next week.

I can do this. I will get a part time job if I need to. Sons dad claims he can start paying child support in June and will pay extra to catch up. If he doesn't follow through I plan on going to domestic relations. This girl will be a door matt no more!