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Major deception. I'm so angry at him and me.


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We hit it off really well. . He always texted me right after each date and planned the next one. The only mini red flag I saw after our 3rd date was that he did not have any contact with me for the 3 days in between our 3rd and 4th date. No big deal, right? Everything else was great.

 

On our 4th or 5th date, after we had been intimate, we talked about exclusivity. We both said that we are not dating anyone else, and have no desire to explore our options with other people. He even voluntarily removed his dating profile at some point. I then asked about his most recent relationship, and he was very hesitant to tell me. After some more prying that night, he finally admitted that he is still married to her, but is separated (note - this is the still during the 4th or 5th date).

 

He tells me how great of a catch he is as a person, how he's ready to divorce today if he could, he wants nothing more than to divorce and put it all behind him, did not love his wife anymore, that he has thought about this for a long time, is finally emotionally ready to date, and reassured me that I'm not a rebound. On a separate occasion, he told me that his wife had finally agreed to sign and the divorce will happen in the next couple of months. Other times, he's told me that he's very committed to us, that is wife is suicidal and pleads for him to return home, but he ignores her pleas as he's determine and finally not let his wife's issues mess with him. He promised to be honest with me and answer any questions I have.

 

All this was about a month into our dating relationship. After the first month, aside from this "marriage" issue, things were going well. None of my friends saw anything wrong with the picture, mainly because his wife is in a . I had never been in this "separated man" situation before, I trusted him to take care of his divorce in due time. Essentially, I was swept off my feet, took a giant step forward rather than a giant step back, went too fast, trusted him too much too quick, and didn't have the courage to ask more questions. During this time, we went on vacations and weekend getaways, he bought me gifts, and we enjoyed plenty of fine dining, etc. I felt like this guy was my perfect match, we had so much in common, and I felt so lucky to have been dating the man of my dreams! He was making solid plans with me for the future. I just didn't think anyone would spend that much money or make such firm plans for the future if he was not serious.

 

I did notice some red flags that I brushed aside. For one, although he texted me every single day that we didn't see each other, his texts were always brief and we had only spoken on the phone once. I noticed that he talked incessantly about himself, but rarely asked about my life. We live very close to each other, but we seldomly see each other during the week days because he was so busy working. I also noticed that he used to the term "separated," but as of late, he says, "married."

 

Well, 2.5 months after we met, I get an email from him out of the blue breaking up with me, stating that he was still in love with his wife. He said he's not actually emotionally available so he can't date me anymore. He said it wouldn't be fair to me and he's sorry he wasted my time. Obviously, he had not been honest with me. I feel like he completely deceived me with the "I'm not in love with my wife, I'm ready to divorce her today if I could, I'm committed to moving on with you." I think he only wanted a short-term fling or affair from the outset. I think he's conniving and deceptive. I'm so angry that I fell for this. I'm also really hurt because I thought I had liked him a lot and I was so hopeful. I was in the infatuation phase and now I had the rug pulled from under me. I'm also really pissed that he gave me such a flimsy excuse, that he thinks he's the good guy doing me the favor of being fair to me, and he's some wife-loving saint. I'm so angry at his deception and how he thinks he can just write me an email and I should just accept his explanation and everything is fine.

 

I want to at least write him an email and set him straight. Let him know that I finally see through his BS. At the same time, I'm having a really hard time letting go of all this crap. It all completely blindsided me. I had texted and spoken to him on the phone after I received his breakup email, but since then, which is 5 days ago, both of us have been in no contact with each other. I want to send him an email where I speak my mind and let him know that what he did is not okay, and that I know he lied to me, but I'm afraid he has blocked me or had filtered all my future incoming mail to his trash. But how can I move on otherwise? I feel like justice has not been served.

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Your silence from now on will speak more loudly than ANYTHING you can possibly say to him.

 

I understand the urge to write him back and call him out. But give yourself more time to cool off before you decide whether or not to send him anything.

 

He doesn't deserve to hear from you ever again.

 

You don't need to communicate anything to him to move on. That's about YOU making the decision to do it and has nothing to do with anything he says or does. You can move on -- starting NOW -- by forcing yourself to take the focus off of him and putting it back where it belongs: on YOU, on YOUR life, on healing and feeling better. He has nothing to do with that. Nothing he says, does or thinks has any impact at all on YOUR world anymore.

 

Don't worry about justice being served. Let it go and let the universe take care of that. His behavior will come back to bite him one day -- no one gets off scot free in life.

 

If you haven't seen it already, here's a really great guide that reinforces No Contact: link removed.

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I was swept off my feet, took a giant step forward rather than a giant step back, went too fast, trusted him too much too quick, and didn't have the courage to ask more questions. During this time, we went on vacations and weekend getaways, he bought me gifts, and we enjoyed plenty of fine dining, etc. I felt like this guy was my perfect match, we had so much in common, and I felt so lucky to have been dating the man of my dreams! He was making solid plans with me for the future, such as booking airline tickets and hotels for our next travel destination months in advance. I just didn't think anyone would spend that much money or make such firm plans for the future if he was not serious.

 

I did notice some red flags that I brushed aside.

 

Copious amounts of money being spent on one has the tendency to make one do that.

 

The only thing I can see that you had in common with him was that you liked how he spent his money on you. Him being legally married and making up excuse after excuse should have stopped all of this the first time you had to squeeze the truth from him.

 

What I see is a liar and cheater who bought his way into this false construct and you were happy to go along, even when red flags were slapping you in the face. Be angry that you accepted a flimsy excuse. He was going to say whatever he needed to say to get you to do what you did.

 

The fact that you were ok dealing with a married man after you knew he was still married is what should be concerning to you, not trying to get justice out of him. He knows he lied to you. He doesn't need you to tell him that. He knew he was lying to you when he told you he wanted to discuss his relationship situation another time.

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Something similar happened to me too. I don't think your guy is even separated. You didn't say why he moved, but I'm pretty sure he told his wife it was temporary, to make money, so he can go home with more money to give her next year. He just wanted a side fling. I think you need to leave him alone and move on fast.

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This should have stopped the second you found out he is married and lying about it. As for justice, accept responsibility for your large part in this. You knew from date 4 he was married, chose to close your eyes and proceed. It's a bit ironic for you to be talking about "justice" in this situation. Take this as a life lesson and don't ever be this foolish again.

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Something similar happened to me too. I don't think your guy is even separated. You didn't say why he moved, but I'm pretty sure he told his wife it was temporary, to make money, so he can go home with more money to give her next year. He just wanted a side fling. I think you need to leave him alone and move on fast.

 

Now I don't think he's separated either. They're probably just in a long distance relationship. He said he moved because his job is a whole heck of a lot better here promotions and career advancement, etc. He said his job was dead end back in that country.

 

This should have stopped the second you found out he is married and lying about it. As for justice, accept responsibility for your large part in this. You knew from date 4 he was married, chose to close your eyes and proceed. It's a bit ironic for you to be talking about "justice" in this situation. Take this as a life lesson and don't ever be this foolish again.

 

All this was about a month into our dating relationship. After the first month, aside from this "marriage" issue, things were going well

 

How do you logically or emotionally get past....the marriage issue?

 

Because I had thought my situation was different than that of dating a married man. I thought (or believed him) that being "separated" is different from being "married." Yes, I know legally they are the same, and there's no such thing as a "legal separation," but this wasn't the case where he was still living with his wife and having to hide his actions. It's also because the marriage was in a different country, his wife resides in that country, and he has told me they have lived apart in different countries for a year now. It's that huge geographical distance that made me believe that the separation was real. Also, he went on about how he is not in love with her, would divorce her today if he could get around the foreign country's law, about how he has recovered from his initial depression, about how he's putting all that mess behind him and moving on. He basically made a really strong case for how he's emotionally available and this divorce proceeding was merely a technicality that he's going to take care of, and I believed that.

 

In hindsight I see the giant red flag waving. I cannot explain why I so blindly ignored it. During the whole time we were "dating," I had told all of my close friends everything that was said between me and him, and the majority of my friends saw nothing wrong either. Their response is "so what? the wife is so far away" or "it's no big deal if you aren't planning to marry in the next year or so You can still have a great relationship together" or "being separated is just a technicality, as long as you two are getting along." Looking back, I wonder how each of my close friends could've been so wrong too.

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Like I said, I'd take this whole thing as a good personal lesson.

 

I mean think about it - what can a married man possibly tell you when he wants a side chick? That he loves his wife and will never leave her? Of course not. He'll tell you exactly what this guy told you - it's long over, he doesn't love her, she was/is horrible to him, divorce is on the way, you are the only good thing that's happened to him in years, etc., etc., etc. So, if now you know better than to ever listen and take at face value that kind of bull ever again. He is married - you get off that train ride asap. Whatever sweet things he whispers is nonsense.

 

As for your friends, I'd seriously question their judgment and values. I mean really....wife is far away so it's OK???? What else is ok so long as it's far away or she/he won't find out? Yikes is all I can say for that. I'd be looking for a new set of friends.

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I'm not against separated people dating, as long as both parties know exactly where they stand and are forthcoming with each other.

But I'm very weary of separated people whose spouses live far away, because more often than not, they are in reality not separated. I know quite a few instances where this happened, the men were here working to make more money, in order to bring their wives and kids here as well, while the wives and kids stayed in their home countries. These guys were lying about being divorced/separated, and were trying to date women to fill the void until they were reunited with their wives, and sometimes did it for financial gain too (the women drove them around, spent money on them, etc). This happened to a couple of my friends too, they fell for these men's words and promises only to find out they were in fact married.

 

All you can do is move on. There is no point in emailing him anything further, he knows exactly what he did, and obviously his conscience didn't bother him then, and it won't bother him now. Just ignore him and thank your lucky stars you're not his wife!

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If I say nothing to him, and let it end with his breakup email, then he will forever think I'm none the wiser and I bought into his BS. He will go on thinking that I believe that he did like me, but just had a sudden change of heart and fell back in love with his wife again, and he's only being "fair" to me to discontinue our relationship. He will walk away thinking he is the good guy here, that he was sincere with me, that he planned on getting a divorce, and now just changed his mind. How can he walk away thinking that? If I don't email him and let him know that I know, he will think I'm still clueless.

 

I don't want him back. If at any point I had found out he lied, I would've ended it. But the way things are now, I am so bitter and undignified. He completely played me. His adamant and persistent lies. How can I correct this? I believed and trusted him fully. I thought he was a much better person than he actually is. I put my feelings into this "relationship." I don't know how I can just suddenly receive an email then pretend (from the next day on) that he never existed in my life, that he shall admit to no wrong, and I'm just discarded and have become non-existent. I want to call him out on his BS.

 

Yes, I was naive, and I will learn and not take people's words at face value. I will not date a married or separated man. I honestly thought this man was separated and was de facto single and really divorcing. I had no idea that people can be so deceitful.

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This should have stopped the second you found out he is married and lying about it. As for justice, accept responsibility for your large part in this. You knew from date 4 he was married, chose to close your eyes and proceed. It's a bit ironic for you to be talking about "justice" in this situation. Take this as a life lesson and don't ever be this foolish again.

 

Thank you. Everybody likes to shift blame and cry - Oh poor me, he led me on. You found out about his marriage early and you opted to keep seeing him for your own self-centered reasons. As a woman of integrity, you don't date married men period. And "separated" is still married.

 

Unfortunately, it seems like you were the one served with some justice.

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If I say nothing to him, and let it end with his breakup email, then he will forever think I'm none the wiser and I bought into his BS. He will go on thinking that I believe that he did like me, but just had a sudden change of heart and fell back in love with his wife again, and he's only being "fair" to me to discontinue our relationship. He will walk away thinking he is the good guy here, that he was sincere with me, that he planned on getting a divorce, and now just changed his mind. How can he walk away thinking that? If I don't email him and let him know that I know, he will think I'm still clueless.
But you know what? I don't think that there's any way that you will ever be able to convince him of anything he's not already convinced of. If he thinks he's the "good" guy, no matter how eloquent you are, or how fact based your points are, he won't care. He won't believe. He won't change. You won't achieve anything other than him saying to himself "I'm glad I broke it off with her, she's nuts. She's taken this way out of proportion."

 

IMO, you want to write a letter, do it. Write it out on paper as many pages as you want. Get it all out. Then put it somewhere for at least three nights. After that, take it out and read it. Feel whatever you feel about it and then burn it. Keep it longer if you want, but when you're done, burn it.

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He's a snake, he knows he's a snake, you don't have to tell him anything. I dated a man who said he was divorced and his ex wife lived in another country. It wasn't until 6 months after we broke up that I learned he was married all along and went back home to be with his wife.

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