Can domestic abuse ever be forgiven?

Hi everyone! This is my first post here and it will be a bit of a long one so thanks to anyone who can bear with me and offer any advice - I'll try to be as brief as possible.

I've been in a relationship for almost four years and a lot of it is very good. We have a house together and generally get on really well. However there have been some very bad things, including a few violent episodes where my boyfriend has attacked me. On one occasion we had a big argument about work and he hit me repeatedly accross the torso, and another time he picked up books and kept throwing them at me. On the worst occasion he threatened to kill our dog and when I tried to stop him he threw me down on the bed and strangled me until I screamed loud enough to try and alert the neighbours. They didn't hear so no one ever found out, although I threatened to break up with him. He convinced me it was a mistake and wouldn't happen again, and nothing like that has happened again.

A few months later however he revealed to me that he had cheated on me with multiple people, and I was so devastated we decided to go on a break to take some breathing space and figure out what to do. It's taken a few months but I think it's finally sunk in how bad what he did was. I feel absolutely sick thinking about the violence, which I think is much worse than the cheating even. There are many other things which I am really unhappy about, including times where he has made me feel really terrible about myself to make himself feel better. I am not completely innocent either as I slapped him hard accross the face when he told me about the cheating, which I feel terrible about but it just seemed to happen before I realised what I was doing.

I finally realised I didn't love him anymore and decided to end things with him for good, and he was absolutely devastated, saying he really never thought I would do that and imploring me to just give him another chance. I talked about every single thing that had made me unhappy and he said it was a result of feeling really terrible about himself (the cheating was a result of having low self-esteem, for example).

The thing is I do believe that he would never do any of these things again because he knows that I would leave him if he did, but now that I've really taken stock of everything that's happened I can barely stand to be his friend, let alone give him another chance. We have a twelve-month lease on our house which needs to be renewed (or not) in a few months, so I need to decide by then if I want to give it another chance and renew the contract or end things for good. But even if I can find it in my heart to forgive him and love him again, should I? I've told some of my friends about most of what's happened except the violence, because I'm afraid he'll get in trouble and I really don't believe he'd ever do this again now he understands how bad it's made me feel. A lot of them have advised me to give it another go but they don't know about the violence aspect, so I thought I'd ask you guys here and get some unbiased, anonymous advice.

I feel bad for him because he is clearly troubled and is very worried about the future (we're about to finish university so our future careers are still uncertain). He has said he will kill himself if I leave him because he would have nothing to live for (which, while terrifying, is an extremely insensitive thing to say as someone in my family committed suicide this week and another family member did the same several years ago, so I'm suffering through that as well right now). He is constantly crying about the thought of me leaving him and says he would never forgive himself if what he's done would cause the end of this relationship. I'm feeling like his life is in my hands and if I can't find it in my heart to forgive him and love him again then I'm going to be ruining his life.

Many thanks in advance for any advice you can give!

Unless it's being worked on with a tonne of therapy and stuff, no.

Abusers don't stop because they're scared you'll leave.

He's crying because he doesn't want the relationship to end? Not because he's beaten you, and tried to kill your dog and tried to kill you? That's crying because he's losing control over you, nothing more nothing less.

He has said he will kill himself if I leave him because he would have nothing to live fo

And right here, he's doing it again. That's not stopping. That's emotional abuse rather than physical.

Scroll down to the section about the cycle of abuse: link removed

You need to leave ASAP.

You said it yourself, you're not really in love with him anymore. That means it time to go.

He's abusive and the fact that he's threatening to kill himself because you want to leave is extremely manipulative and very unfair. That's emotionally abusive to you, especially because you've experienced the pain of suicide in the family before, it's completely wrong to threaten and torment you like that.

You're young and you don't need to waste time with someone who disrespects you, and someone you've fallen out of love with.

Do NOT give him another chance!! Giving him another chance means he "got away with it", the violence and the cheating and he WILL do it again. Don't give in, end it for good. I guarantee that if you give it another chance the violence WILL happen again and it will most likely escalate.

Maybe someday down the road when he's totally out of your life you will be able to forgive him. That will take time and it's not something I think you need to rush to do right now. Those feelings are in a way protecting you right now, helping propel you away from him for your safety. Don't even worry about trying to forgive him right now.

If he's suicidal, give him suicide hotline numbers and tell one of his friends or family so they can help him. It isn't your burden. There's nothing you can do that will ruin his life. You must let him go and wipe your hands of responsibility of his choices.

Get away from this guy. You won't regret it but I promise you will regret giving him another chance. I'm sorry, I'm sure this is terribly painful. Hugs.

Do not take him back. I repeat. Do NOT take him back.

Remember him strangling you that you had to scream to get it to stop, and then he promised not to abuse you anymore. He's still abusing you anyway. He's doing again, making promises that things like that won't happen. It will.

The only way things can ever work is if you both take some time APART to go into counseling for YEARS. Him to realize the extent of the damage and to re-condition himself (which most therapists aren't really skilled in this, that I see -- they need to re-condition how he respond to anger). You to build up your self-esteem and self-respect, to build up better boundaries.

He's manipulating you when he says he'll kill himself. It's a manipulative tactic that nearly all don't go through with. And I may be harsh in saying this but even if he was being honest, so what? That's not your job to stay with him to get him to recant that. Just leave and call the authorities if you really do think he'll do it. It's their job to figure it out, not you. He's using suicide because he knows it pains you.

No you need to get out of the relationship you can get serious injuries or you can die. I have been in an abusive relationship and yes its hard to leave but look at what can happen you can get hurt real bad

Thank you all so much for your fast responses, I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to get this off my chest and get some answers. I've realised now that there's no way I can take him back, I'm just being manipulated again. I still just can't help being terrified he'll kill himself if I do leave. He's already cut himself and made himself sick when he's been really upset about this.

Do I have an obligation to tell people about this or can I just leave? What if he does it to someone else later? But if the authorities get involved he'll have a criminal record and it really will ruin his life.

If you're concerned that he's going to injure himself, others, or commit suicide, I think you should tell a friend or family member who has the ability to get him some help, beyond that, no obligation. He probably will do this to someone else in the future and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't follow him around and warn every girl he dates.

Thank you all so much for your fast responses, I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to get this off my chest and get some answers. I've realised now that there's no way I can take him back, I'm just being manipulated again. I still just can't help being terrified he'll kill himself if I do leave. He's already cut himself and made himself sick when he's been really upset about this.

 

Do I have an obligation to tell people about this or can I just leave? What if he does it to someone else later? But if the authorities get involved he'll have a criminal record and it really will ruin his life.

Do you live with him? Are you safe to pack up and move at any time? If not, bring a friend over (preferably a male) while you pack or wait until he's at work or something.

THEN LEAVE.

I honestly doubt he will kill himself. I honestly do.

Even so, if you're scared of it, call his family member/friend, call the police to mention it, AFTER you leave.

If he gets a criminal record, that's on him. He should have thought twice before he put his hands on you.

You are not at fault for this. You are innocent.

Hell, you are worthy. You deserve to be loved, not this.

Here's the deal with DV.

The act of abuse can be forgiven, but never the person.

Abuse goes in cycles. Over time that happy period dissolves and it's non stop abuse, violence, and before you know it you can't even look yourself in the mirror because he has you believing your so ugly you should hide

Stay out. Stay away .

Leaving is going to be hell, but it will be a walk in the park compared to what's to come.

I was 15 when I met my abuser. 18 when I got out, 20 when I got out of therapy, and. 25 by the time I could say " I'm not damaged anymore ". Physical scars heal. Mental and emotional scars will become your cross to bare.

My ex started with names, then a slap, a pinch, a shove... Then it was a punch, a push. Soon I was being choked, beaten with phones and once a baseball bat. He stabbed me, put a gun to my head, and when I was 27 and. 3 months pregnant due to him raping me, he beat me and left me for dead. The final words I remember hearing - "are you dead yet, or are you just getting me excited".

The child is 14 now. I'm 31. I promise you, there is life after him. Get out, get therapy, and if need be get a restraining order.

I get the I love him, were invested, I can't survive wo him , I ry on him financially . I even understand he didn't mean it, it's my fault, I made him.

And until you get out and get therapy, the cycle won't end. The good days will be shorter and far between. Soon they'll be gone, and you'll be asking if there really is a God . You'll wonder if that's what he'll is like... It's a nasty road, and if you can keep from going down it, please do!!!! Your life is worth more than one jerk with anger issues!

Thank you again. I do live with him so I may get my mother to help me get out and stay at her place (she lives in the same town, thankfully).

I can only second what everyone else has said; you know what to do. These days, I wouldn't maintain a relationship with someone who told me they had a history of domestic violence, let alone someone laying a hand on me. Even if they don't physically attack any more, it's part of a controlling, abusive behaviour pattern that few of them see the need to address - because it's always someone else's fault that they behave the way they do.

So, in answer to your question: NO. It's tempting to want to give someone a second chance, to support them while they change their ways and all the rest of the manipulative claptrap that abusers come out with (so as not to lose control of their victims). But the stakes are just far, far too high.

By the way, I left a relationship years ago, in the very early stages but it was becoming apparent that this guy was bad news, and I got out before I became a victim of it. He threatened to kill himself if I left, and I told him very calmly that if his life without me was really that bad, then I'd respect his decision. (I did go around for a while thinking my head was going to explode, but - surprise surprise! - he didn't do it.)

Thank you again. I do live with him so I may get my mother to help me get out and stay at her place (she lives in the same town, thankfully).

Please let us know your progress.

Thank you for sharing your story, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that but I'm glad you've managed to heal from it.

The next few days will be difficult but I'll be smart about this and will keep you guys updated. Again, I can't thank you all enough.

Good luck! xxx

Do I have an obligation to tell people about this or can I just leave? What if he does it to someone else later? But if the authorities get involved he'll have a criminal record and it really will ruin his life.

The only "obligation" you have is to dig deep enough within yourself, and opt to make the right choices. If he repeats this behaviour with someone else, and/or incurs a criminal record, the consequences fall into his lap where they should, after all he's an adult.

Please value and protect yourself. All the best.

Get out now while you are able. I dated a guy with a terrible temper. Thanks actual physical violence was minor but he was mean, vindictive, petty in every way. I can't even stand the thought of him. And this was a man I loved at one point, our lives were totally intertwined.... it was hard to end it at the time because he was trying to get me to stay with him. Our mutual friends had their opinions too. But you have to be strong. It's been at least 5 yes and I wish I would gave got away sooner. I will never again allow myself to be treated that way.

Please leave him.

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Hey everyone, I just thought I'd update about what's been going on since my last post and hopefully get some advice if anyone has the patience to read this!

Unfortunately I just didn't feel I could follow everyone's advice in leaving immediately. To do so now would be extremely disruptive because we're both a couple of weeks away from final exams and I think to leave now would devastate him to the point that he would be unable to finish and pass his degree. Whatever he's done, I don't think he deserves that.

I don't however feel that I'm in any danger right now. He has been extremely responsive to all my criticisms of what he did in the past (including the violence, cheating and other issues) and is making a huge effort to show me he's changed (such as helping out around the house more than usual and generally being very sweet). I've had quite bad mood swings because sometimes I remember how things used to be and I enjoy just spending time with him, and other times I get really annoyed at everything he's done. He has however mainly stayed very calm and not become angry in return, and there's been no violence whatsoever.

There have however been instances where he's become very upset, although instead of lashing out he just cries and says he doesn't know how he'll live without me. He has continued to mention suicide but I've taken to just saying I don't believe he would do that and I can't believe he would talk like that when he knows I've had to deal with a suicide in the family recently.

Basically I keep flitting between thinking there could be a chance of recovering this and me falling in love with him again and remembering what you guys have advised me here and realising I can never allow myself to be in the very vulnerable position of staying with him when he has shown he can be violent. I even spoke to a domestic abuse charity to get some professional advice about the issue and they said it that from what I've said the violence is very likely to happen again, but if I really wanted to give it another chance then he could speak to a charity which helps perpetrators of domestic abuse to deal with their anger and I could possibly go to therapy to learn to get over it.

To be honest, given that I'm not in love with him, I just don't want to have to go through all that. I'd rather just draw a line under the whole thing and let us both move on.

What scares me if I were to stay with him is that this could just be the "normal behaviour" period of the abuse cycle, and if I agree to renew the lease on the house with him he would just slip back into being violent after a period of time. I find it hard to truly believe that he could actually do that again because he knows that if he did I would leave immediately. However what I realised recently about the whole situation is that it took me telling him I wanted to break up to change his behaviour of violence and cheating, not simply him wanting to do it because he wanted to be a decent person. I do feel so bad for him because we've talked about it a lot and he had a history of violence in his household as a child, so seems to have learnt that that's the normal way to deal with problems. He also has quite serious self-esteem issues, and says the cheating was wanting to feel accepted by other people (although I've always told him how wonderful and beautiful he is and he had all the love he could ask for right here all the time, if he'd treated me properly).

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant. Basically I don't want any of you to worry, my practical side seems to be overriding my emotional side in this issue and I do know that the two of us can't really stay together. I just can't leave right now because I don't want to create a massive drama just before the exams which will decide our degrees, and I really don't believe there will be any more violence at least for the time being because he knows that his only chance of ever having me back is to behave like a saint.

This whole issue is driving me a bit crazy but I could basically just do with some reassurance that I'd definitely be making the right decision in leaving him once the exams are out of the way, even though technically right now he's doing everything right (except perhaps making very stupid threats about what he'll do if I leave him).

I don't see him getting better. I don't see the relationship getting better.

He won't get better because he's doing this just to get you back, not to actively change his patterns out of concern that his behavior is hurtful. You say he's behaving better by helping around the house and such? How is that balancing out his abuse? Did he apologize for his behaviors with reasons behind it to show that he thought it through? And if he's still making threats of what he'll do when you leave him... Then that's a major sign. Still exerting control. Still overstepping boundaries.

You said you aren't in love with him anymore? The relationship is moot then. It's extremely hard to fall back in love, trust me, I've been there.

And I caught that, you know. You said, "except perhaps making very stupid threats about what he'll do if I leave him." Why is that still an if? It should be a when. I noticed when people say if, they're more likely to give in to their emotions and just delay the foreseeable. I've done that too, you know. Only when you forcibly use "when" instead of the "if," you'll make sure you'll go on the right path. That's meant for you. He isn't meant for you. He has another path to take.

He is following the mean/sweet cycle. I think that you should forget about who you are inconveniencing and leave. Walk out the door. If you don't feel you will be strong in the heat of the moment, then now take copies of your important papers and most important possessions and take them for safe keeping to a relative's house or close friends who will keep them for you so that you will be ready.

He is playing with you - crocodile tears. He will play you until the next time he has a violent episode.

The other thing is - he CHEATED ON YOU. Why would you stay with someone who did that? Have respect for yourself and already have clothes and possessions in a new apartment or at a relative's house and be gone after your last final.

Thank you for your fast responses! To be fair to him, he has apologised for his behaviour and tried to explain that it could have been learnt behaviour from his traumatic experiences as a child, and he acknowledges that what he did was horrific. He also laments that fact that he didn't think all this through before and instead was selfish and allowed these terrible things to happen.

However I'm not excusing what he did and I will try to start thinking about things in terms of when, rather than if. Thank you. I just need this exam period to go as smoothly as possible and then I can deal with this issue properly.

abitbroken: You're right, even if I put all of the other things aside and manage to forgive them, I think I've learnt that I'm not the type of person that can forgive cheating. I just wouldn't be able to have proper respect for myself if I forgave him, by doing that alone he's ruined the relationship.

Thanks as well for your advice on getting practical aspects prepared so I can leave easily when the time is right, I'll definitely keep that in mind!

The behaviour you describe, being lovely, reminding you of why you were together in the first place, helping out where he wouldn't normally - is ABSOLUTELY TYPICAL of an abuser who realises he's about to lose control of his victim.

Lots of people come from violent, abusive households (I'm one of them!) and this in no way gives them a licence to abuse others. Some people come from this kind of background as victims and are possibly more likely to seek therapy or other ways out of destructive behaviour patterns than people like your fella, who deep down doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing. You didn't break him, and you can't fix him - though, if you maintain the relationship after your exams he may well break you.

Rest assured that once he's sure he's got you back where he wants you, the abuse will start all over again.

Don't be that girl.

I just want to say sorry you have been through this and good luck with everything. Im finding it hard to not go back to my ex who was verbally abusive but I agree that we do that they will think they have got away with it, cos they have. One time my ex said to me 'I can do what I want to you cos you wont do anything about it' he actually admitted it! And now hes acting totally different crying for me to come back and it is heartbreaking cos you cant stop caring immediately, however awful they were. I hope you can stay strong, take care x

Hi everyone, just wanted to give another update as I could do with some more advice if possible.

I finally tried to end it last night as he just finished his last exam, and although I still have some exams to come I felt like I don't really have anything to "get over" and will actually be happier when the deed is done. I couldn't bring myself to just pack a bag and leave so I tried to do what I thought was the decent thing and have a face to face discussion, explaining that I just don't love him anymore and don't feel like I can forgive what he's done, even if he is truly sorry and never does it again. He was absolutely devastated, it was like someone had just told him his entire family had been wiped out. I tried to be tough and say this was my final decision and I couldn't take no for an answer, but he kept begging me to give him another chance and was so terribly upset that I didn't have the heart to just walk out. He said he couldn't believe what he'd done and was truly sorry, and kept talking about all the good things we used to have between us.

I stayed firm and said we were broken up now, and went to sleep in the spare room, but he was crying so loudly that I could hear him through the walls and eventually he came into my room and said he couldn't sleep without me next to him. I explained that I was kind enough to wait until he'd finished his exams to break the news and now it was his turn to let me be so I could focus on mine. He said he understood but that he just couldn't bear the thought of losing me because I'm the one good thing he has. He threatened suicide/self harm again and I called him out on it and said I didn't believe him, so he said, 'Fine', ran out of the room and grabbed a razor to cut himself. I had to wrestle it out of his hands and calm him down, and eventually agreed to let him sleep next to me so he wouldn't do anything stupid. Eventually I agreed to stay with him at least for the time being to give him a chance, and now I can't believe I've let him not take no for an answer again.

I'll emphasise that throughout none of this was there any violence towards me on his part, and I feel that the cutting was more to relieve his own emotional pain (I've never cut myself but I think that's the line of thought people who do that have) rather than to purposefully manipulate me. I was hoping to just be free by today and start the process of moving on (as hard as that is when we live together. There's not realistically anywhere else I can go because there's not really space at my mum's and I don't really want to tell anyone about what happened because once the authorities get involved it becomes a whole other issue).

I'm hoping that maybe once he gets a job or just has some time to think about this he'll become less dependent on me, because right now I feel he's totally dependent on me (we used to share finances but I've now made us separate that and pay for our own stuff, but in all other senses he is totally dependent on me). I actually really believe him that he would never be violent or cheat on me again, because he knows I would leave immediately if that did happen and he's properly acknowledged how horrible all that was and is being very patient and lovely now. However I just don't know if I can be happy if we're together. Is there any way of convincing him that it's just over? This is a terrible way to live but maybe I just need to wait until the lease on the house is up and give a final decision then when there's no choice but for him to accept? Maybe I'll change my mind by then? Sorry, I must sound really pathetic but I've never had to deal with such a difficult situation in my life and despite what he's done I really don't want to hurt him.