Possible infidelity or all in my head? or should i just leave .period?! (long)

So Ive been told that your gut is never wrong, and i believe that wholeheartedly, considering every time ive gotten the wrong outcome or opposite outcome of what i intended, i always say "i should have gone with my gut". Almost two years ago now, ive been broken up with a girl that i was with for 5.5 years, she just up and left basically without any reason, which to this day I've still never found out. I'm over that now and happy that it happened because I’ve since lost 45-50 lbs, realized my potential and learned a whole lot about myself and what im capable of. I Also have confidence again now that my physicality has changed for the better which is something (confidence) i lacked quite a bit in my last relationship which made me feel i was "unworthy" of the girl i was with.

After several months of being single and abstaining from sex, i eventually started dating again and started seeing a girl from work , oddly enough i knew i wasn't really attracted to her (physically) but i started to get to know her and really kind of dug her personality, which then sent me on a journey of starting to look at the person from the inside for once and not be with them simply because of their outside appearance. It got to a point where i realized this girl wasn't right for me as at the time i was 32 (now 33 as of October 10th) and she was 25 going on 26 and was still very much into partying and getting boarder line black out drunk, whereas in my lifetime ive only been drunk 3 times, so you can see there is a heavy difference there. Well i stayed with her way too long (my fault) because i didn't want to hurt her feelings as i could tell she was very much into me and was even starting to change her ways some, but my therapist informed me that i couldn't be "the rescuer" and that it wasn't fair to me or her.

So we fast-forward a little, and just before i decide im going to break it off with this girl i meet my friends younger sister (whom im with now). I will start by saying me and this girl started messaging on Facebook and texting for quite sometime before we actually hung out, 2 things that i noticed about this girl was the conversation got to a sexual place pretty fast and she wasted no time giving me her number and initiating everything for the most part, the aggressiveness was kind of a turn off but i kind of pushed that aside and thought this will probably not be a girl i can "take home to mom" as she seems all about the "D" , but ill keep an open mind.

We hang out one night and i had a feeling things would get physical, so i decided to be honest about the girl from work and that i was in the middle of breaking things off and that im totally fine with things NOT getting physical, keep in mind i got to know this girl and soon realized even though she is a single mom (which i would've never gone for before) and is overweight (at the time she was, has lost some since then), i actually kind of dig this girl, so in a way i almost didn't want things to get physical right away (and i shouldn't have let it) , of course they did anyways , we did it 3 times that first night which i could honestly say never in my life have i ever had that kind of physical connection with anyone , especially the first time.

After that she then tells me about this guy shes going to another state to see and that they had been broken up for 3 months but she already bought the ticket, first thing i thought was "were you ever going to tell me or did you just feel obligated to because i came clean about something." not going to lie it bothered me a little bit, because it seemed she wasn't going to tell me, and after that we hooked up another time and we talked about our pasts, i have a long list (not proud of it at all actually) a lot of my sexuality spawned from past abuse as a child which i can proudly say I’ve overcome and learned self control, she also had a VEEEERY adventurous past to say the least, messed around with girls, lots of guys she regrets/doesn't regret one of which is the father of her child which was a one night stand, 3 3somes one of which was with two guys, a 38 yr old when she was 18, etc. After that she went on her trip and i got some details from her regarding the "birthday sex" she had, which even in my opinion is disrespectful even in a FWB situation,, so i soon realized this girl isn't for me. I continued to hang with the girl from work (like an idiot) and she told me that she observed that i was still hanging out with her and my reply was "i don't give a what you've observed" (I wasn't happy) we stopped talking for a couple of months

After that and within that time she always stayed in the back of my mind, so after that i reached out to her and wanted to do things legit and not FWBs, during that time she lost two family members and hooked up with 4 (almost 5) different guys one of which was a super abusive EX BF that just got out of jail and the possible 5th guy is a guy that I used to work with that i absolutely hate..

What I found out about the possible 5th guy, was she offered him a Blowjob and a case of beer for his birthday and he turned her down, which in my opinion is extremely degrading, and it dawned on me that, she has and still is (even though she thinks and says she’s changed) degrading herself, upon confronting her with this when I asked her if you seemingly aren’t attracted to this guy and never liked him as you said , why did his in your mouth while he drank beer on his bday sound like a good idea? And she gives me the same answer every time “I don’t know, I had a couple of beers and I was home alone and lonely”

We fast forward to 5 weeks ago I always noticed she never answered text with me in the same room and or FB messages (I always answer text and FB messages all within her line of sight and never delete anything) and one day she was showing me something on her phone and a text popped up from this guy, obviously I was infuriated especially because supposedly they “haven’t talked in months” I didn’t say a word but she could tell I was obviously very angry and said “ he just texted me today to tell me his grandma died , my response is you expect me to believe that a guy that you supposedly haven’t talked to in months just starts a conversation with “hey my grandma died”? Well obviously I’m still with her but my trust in her has been shaky, she’s gotten rid of her FB page and is somewhat more open with her phone (and no I’ve never checked her phone and probably wont) Keep in mind these are things that I haven’t asked her to do, in fact I didn’t want her to do that.

The Moral of this long *** story is I really like this girl and I want things to work out so badly, but since 4 weeks ago I can’t shake this gut feeling that she could still be doing something, I mean she’s not employed right now and has nothing but alone time during the day and I’m honestly afraid that one day I’m going to come home and catch her doing something or worse yet catch her chatting with some dude or something as the internet has always been her tool to go vag-first in relationships. Part of me feels like she uses sex to hook guys in and I don’t know why she feels she has to do that she’s beautiful and funny as all get out and she’s dated a lot of scum bags and I told her the way to get a good guy is to charm him make him wait not just jump in bed with him right away. Part of me feels that she may have been abused as a young girl because she’s a nympho and she uses sex for everything it seems and “doesn’t know why” she also has no memories or recollections prior to junior high school, of any kind, truth is I need advice I know for a fact I’m also at fault for the way I feel and think, please do not get it twisted, but should I stay or should I go ? What would you do ?

NEW UPDATE: He text-ed her on this past Monday and she sent me a screen shot of it saying she wants to be honest with me and that she didn't text him back.

Doesn't sound like you would ever be comfortable trusting this girl. I would fine someone more in your comfort zone.

yeah its a truth i really don't want to acknowledge

Doesn't sound like you would ever be comfortable trusting this girl. I would fine someone more in your comfort zone.

something else to point out, me and the other girl were not in an exclusive relationship (something we both agreed on because of my break up being somewhat fresh) , however i do agree with you, it probably is karma

Quote Originally Posted by Ms Darcy View Post

I am not going to jump on the OP as saint and "her" as sinner bandwagon.

It seems as if you care a whole lot about how the girl you are more attracted to treats you and interacts with other men.

It also seems as if you don't care a whoe lot about the girl from work. There is no such thing as being "in the middle of" ending things with the girl from work. It takes an hour ... maybe less. Instead, you were stringing this girl along not because of kindness but something more like an inability to practice courage. And YOU were cheating on her.

So the indignation about this other girl seems hypocritical. It seems more "karmic" - natural consequences from your own behaviors and choices.

Okay, so are you officially in a committed relationship with this girl? Do you two live together or what?

Also, you totally cheated on the girl from work and completely glossed over it. What's up with that? Have you told her you were intimate with someone else while you two were dating? Were you two not in a committed relationship or what?

You seem to lack empathy for either girl. I don't hear a lot of caring in your post - it seems to be all about what each girl can do for you. This girl you're all twisted about currently seems to have some serious issues and I'd bet money she was sexually abused as a child, but I'm not picking up any compassion for her in your post, which seems incredible to me because you say that you too were abused as a child. Instead you present this judge-y picture of her:

she also had a VEEEERY adventurous past to say the least, messed around with girls, lots of guys she regrets/doesn't regret one of which is the father of her child which was a one night stand, 3 3somes one of which was with two guys, a 38 yr old when she was 18, etc. . . . the internet has always been her tool to go vag-first in relationships . . .

Which seems hypocritical due to your admitting that you, too, were once there. As far as the feeling that she's cheating on you: it seems like she is trying to show you that she wants to be with you, but you are holding her past against her.

I'm sorry if this post is coming accross as harsh. It seems like you might have more work to do on yourself before you can have a healthy relationship, and you seem like the sort of person who can handle brutal honesty. I think it's great that you're in therapy and have worked to better yourself. Best of luck to you.

Well, I usually go "vag-first" (like that term) into things and I've never been abused or had anything bad happen to me. When I did that it was simply because I didn't want to have a relationship at the time... but if she is seeing these guys a lot, that's pretty fishy.

I really think you guys need to either take a break and see how she feels about it. If she loves you she will come around, if not let her be free. I agree you seem to hold her past against her. You seem a little like my boyfriend, always afraid I'm cheating at every turn.

Just relax and wait until you have evidence. She showed you the text didn't she?

Thanks for the touch love man I appreciate it and something else to point out, me and the other girl from work were not in an exclusive relationship (something we both agreed on because of my break up being somewhat fresh) , however i do agree with you, it probably is karma

Thank you very much that is what I'm soon actually just making the best of things until I have actual proof

Well, I usually go "vag-first" (like that term) into things and I've never been abused or had anything bad happen to me. When I did that it was simply because I didn't want to have a relationship at the time... but if she is seeing these guys a lot, that's pretty fishy.

I really think you guys need to either take a break and see how she feels about it. If she loves you she will come around, if not let her be free. I agree you seem to hold her past against her. You seem a little like my boyfriend, always afraid I'm cheating at every turn.

Just relax and wait until you have evidence. She showed you the text didn't she?

By the way I did point out at the end that I think there was some abuse there as well and that I hate that she feels she has to be that way as she's got so much more to offer so I did show empathy there but I do see your point still

Just curious...how do you know all the stuff you know? You know how many partners she had while you weren't seeing each other, you know she offered beer and blowjobs, you know about her threesomes, etc. Did she offer this info or did you ask for it? If you're the type who asks for it, I'd suggest finding someone inexperienced.

As far as what to do with this girl from here out...if you're questioning things now, you will question things in the future. Personally, I don't want to ever feel the need to question my partner. And if I did have doubts, then I need a more suitable partner. It's up to you if the doubts are tolerable or not.

Unfortunately some Of the info she volunteered and in the heat of the conversation , my self deprecating curiosity got the best of me and I asked way too many more questions , so in a way it's my fault I even know about this stuff , I guess for me I have more of the issue with the beer and bj guy especially because he's still texting her and she says they don't talk and it was also clear the first time I found out they were talking she wasn't going to tell me and claimed they haven't talked in months but it just seemed like a lie honestly , but he did text her Monday and she came clean about it and said she didn't text him back so should I believe her ? A lot of me does ... But what do you think ... She's also a very evasive person so that throws me off too and sometimes makes her look dishonest but she says she just freezes when confronted and doesn't know how to just give answers on the spot

Just curious...how do you know all the stuff you know? You know how many partners she had while you weren't seeing each other, you know she offered beer and blowjobs, you know about her threesomes, etc. Did she offer this info or did you ask for it? If you're the type who asks for it, I'd suggest finding someone inexperienced.

 

As far as what to do with this girl from here out...if you're questioning things now, you will question things in the future. Personally, I don't want to ever feel the need to question my partner. And if I did have doubts, then I need a more suitable partner. It's up to you if the doubts are tolerable or not.