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Overwhelmed With Pain and Heartbreak After Being Lied to


csmith224422

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Many of you may know my story. A quick run down:

 

1) Went out for 6-7 months. She was constantly talking marriage and kids. We made plans to move in together in the fall. When she started seeing me, she had just broken up with her ex-boyfriend (or so I thought);

 

2) She broke up with me 2 months ago and then I found out about the lies AFTER she broke up with me:

 

a) She didn’t break up with her ex-boyfriend for the first month her and I were together. She later broke up with him to be with me.

 

b) She had pre-planned trip with her ex that I knew about (they planned this months before her and I were together). While we were together she told me changed the flight/trip to go somewhere else but I found out afterwards through Facebook that she did in fact go on that trip with him and only broke up with him after she came back.

 

c) After she broke up with him, her ex kept on trying to get back with her and she began seeing both of us for the last month her and I were together.

 

I confirmed all these lies with the ex himself. Her and I are 28 and he's 36. Her complaint about him was that he's a party guy and doesn't want to settle down. After we broke up and after I spoke to her Ex, she FINALLY admitted that they were working things out and admitted that she lied. But the strange thing is that I saw her on a dating website while she told me she told me she was "working things "out with her ex. She's no longer on the website but was on it for a month or so.

 

Anyway, I know that she and her ex are now back together again and it HURTS so much.

 

Her and I have been 2 weeks NC and I don't plan to contact her but it hurts so much. I feel betrayed. How can someone talk about marriage and kids with me and then all of sudden not want me in their life at all. It just happened out of nowhere too. I think about them together and it make me feel so bad. I feel humuliated for what happened and keep wondering what I did wrong.

 

I feel like its a constant struggle to try and go out and do things and to forget her. I can't take it anymore!

 

How do you guys feel about this all?

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You're pain has more to do with disappointment and grief than the actual act of what she did. Like any form of grief eventually you have to deal with it by coming to the conclusion that "It happened, its sucks, and there is nothing you can do to change it". Then you have to start to put it behind you and not let if define you moving forward.

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Also, this sounds like her 'rebound relationship' you two had.

Of course she was talking 'kids & love' so quickly. Rebounders act out that way. They 'Rush' things way too fast and Un-realistically.

You do NOT fall in love with anyone that fast. And she was a hurting unit after moving on right after him. She was not emotionally available to you, sadly.

Look up rebound relationships. I'm thinking this is something like what my ex is in. I know.. it hurts

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What is VERY difficult (asides from being 'lied to' yes i had that too) is having to lose your love to someone else after having them in your life for 5 years. That is NOT easy to cope with!

It leaves you totally blindsided and flabergasted.. VERY upsetting- real LOSS

 

Mine is similar to yours in ways that he had 'persued' another interest within a month of my finding out then nailing him with it. It's now been 3 months that he has been in her court now.

Strangely enough, he seems fine to communicate with me via text/phone.

He has said he misses me too and admitted once cpl weeks ago on the phone that he 'still loves me'. And he actually was the one to initiate texts my way last week.

So- I am not sure what that all means?

Someone said it's just a pitty type act and it's not like he 'hates me'.

But- as I've been told, best for all is N/C. Leave him alone now and let him go the way he's chosen and I have to do my best to let it all go and work on 'Me' now.

 

Did you find her actions or attitude strange at all or change while you two were together? Other than what you mentioned re: kids etc. which yes, is not right within that time of knowing/being involved with you.

Did you find she rushed things? Did she feel uneasy now and then or 'lost in thought/sad'?

These are some signs of them 'moving on too fast/ into rebound'.

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dude, I was totally in love with the woman of my dreams, did NC for a year and got her back into my life with me being a much more reliable/stable person this time around. we dated for 8 glorious months and I was thinking marriage/family the entire time... and she just went distant and basically is doing the same thing your ex did. it sucks man, i don't know how to handle it either. i've tried everything from anger to logic with her and honestly i have lost hope. we're in the same boat brother, we'll get through this its what this site is for. thank god for enotalone.

 

edit: i was lied to too, she told me she wouldn't do what she did to me two years ago (leave me for another man) and i called her a liar over doing it again. !@%$* it.

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I've thought about that a lot. There definitely is a feeling of rejection and it does feel bad that she chose him over me. I will admit that. It hurts to think that they are together.

 

At the same time, I really do feel that I'm in love with her. I thought the world of her and was ready to move in with her and introduce her to my mom (I've never done that before). And it hurts to think that her and I will never talk again.

 

Can't it be both emotions mixed together?

 

You're right on the fact that its tough for me understand this all. I'm just so in shock that someone would say I'm the best thing to ever happened to them and then treat me like this. And she seems to put the blame on me. She's mad at me for calling her Ex, but I mean what other choice did I have . . . she wasn't telling me the truth and even though the truth hurt - I'm entitled to it.

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She's mad at me for calling her Ex, but I mean what other choice did I have . . . she wasn't telling me the truth and even though the truth hurt - I'm entitled to it.

 

She's mad at you because you put an end to her ruse. You need to put this person behind you. I know you want answers to "How could she?" but you aren't ever going to have an answer because there aren't always answers other than "she did".

 

You can learn from this and make it a positive FOR YOU. Never let "love" trick you into ignoring the red flags. Red flags like "She was still dating her ex". I don't mean to sound cold here, but this is said as a point maker - YOU chose to put yourself into a position with someone that had attachments to someone else. This is bigger than trying to understand "why she did that".

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There were red flags but at the time I didn't know she was dating her ex and me. I only knew AFTER the fact. But yes, there were other red flags and I ignored them because I was blinded by love.

 

I've never really been in love before so maybe I just miss the feeling of having someone that I could depend on. This has been really tough on me but I'm really trying my best now to move on and not contact her. It just gets really tough sometimes and I feel like I'm constantly fighting myself to force myself to move on and forget her.

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I dont understand why this is a big shock. Months ago you asked what to do, I remember the adivce was to let her go. You could of been two months into healing, and moving forward with your life. Yet you defended her, told yourself there still is "good" in her and still confused to how she can say all these wonderful things and then lie to you. I dont get what you are confused about?

Its simple, you still have not accepted that its over. In your head she is still madly in love with you but decided to cheat on you with this other guy and she will be back to you with open arms any day. You still help her, you give her things, and yet you are still confused? Please explain as to what you are confused about?

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What is VERY difficult (asides from being 'lied to' yes i had that too) is having to lose your love to someone else after having them in your life for 5 years. That is NOT easy to cope with!

It leaves you totally blindsided and flabergasted.. VERY upsetting- real LOSS

 

try 13 years.

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I know it sucks but it's like I said before, it didn't really happen out of nowhere ... not for your ex anyway and when you look back on the lies you can see that too. She was with her ex for 3 years and you for 6-7 months so, whereas you were seeing this as something big, it was probably nothing more than a rebound to her. She would have continued to string you both along if she could have but you found out her little game. Yet, despite that, you question whether you were right to call her out on it!? She twisted this back onto you by implying that what did it for your relationship with her was the fact that you contacted her ex to find out the truth. If you were her main focus she would have been overcome with remorse and would have tried to make it up to you (if that were possible), yet she was more concerned with the fact that you contacted her ex. I know that you are now wondering whether or not contacting him was the right thing to do because, had you not, you may still have had a chance with her ... but a chance for what? For her to continue to lie to you? Really what should have done it for your relationship was the fact that she lied to you and cheated on you, yet you don't even think about that. You just think about how you could have done things differently. Your relationship started out on a lie and it finished on a lie so I'm not sure why you think that behaving any differently would have had a different outcome.

 

Her emotional tie (such that it is) is with her ex. They have history and she can't let go of that any more than you can let go of her.

 

I've no doubt that you were in love with her but however deep your emotions went, they weren't reciprocated. They couldn't have been ... not when her ex was in the picture from start to finish.

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1) I won't defend her anymore; 2) I understand that its over and will not contact her anymore.

 

I'm just confused that such manipulative people exist. Especially someone I trusted and opened up to. I've never really opened up to anyone before and even told her that. She was the first girl I ever fell in love with me. That's why it hurts so much.

 

I feel like I never want to open up to someone again . . . so I don't have to go through this pain.

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That's why they call them crushes. You are not first guy to have been lied to nor will you be the last. And you can put up a strong front saying youll never do this again. I say the same thing after I get hurt. But what do you do if you fall of a horse 5 times? You get up 6 times. This is your first fall, you have to get up dust yourself off and move forward. We have alllll done it, you are not alone. But you have to believe that its over, she is a lost cause and you have to let go. Only then will you begin to get up.

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1) I won't defend her anymore; 2) I understand that its over and will not contact her anymore.

 

I'm just confused that such manipulative people exist. Especially someone I trusted and opened up to. I've never really opened up to anyone before and even told her that. She was the first girl I ever fell in love with me. That's why it hurts so much.

 

I feel like I never want to open up to someone again . . . so I don't have to go through this pain.

 

Sadly, there are people in this world that lie. Usually they don't even intend to lie and sometimes they are just lying to themselves.

 

I assure you the pain of living alone all your life will be greater than this. We all take this chance. Hell I've been through it 3 or 4 times. But when you find that person that it is meant to be with, you appreciate it more because you know what you have to lose.

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Some people are masters in dealing with their own emotions as well as playing with others.

Dont beat yourself over this, csmith224422. Its one of those unfortunate things that happens to you in life. You got paired up with the wrong kind of girl.

 

I want to give you a tip in order to help you to forget her. Here it goes:

 

You dont love her! You love the person you wish she was, not the one she really is!

 

Always remember that! Her true nature was revealed to you in the end. Its just like a person you always knew simply disappeared and is no longer there.

Grieve her loss and work hard to get over her. Any second of your time is wasted when you think of her. She is not worth that much.

 

Sorry if I come off a little angry in my post. Your situation just strikes way to close to mine.

Best of luck to you.

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I've been really make every effort to move on. I mean I'm sticking to NC and I'm forcing myself to go out. Seeing a psychologist. Everything I can . . . but sometimes I get overwhelmed with emotion and pain thinking that she's seeing him right now and was behind my back and also feeling that she never gave a crap about me. It just makes me feel so depressed.

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One thing that has me upset at myself is that when I initially found out about the lies I was very angry and called her a lot and texted her alot (for 2 days total) and called her thinks like a F---ing liar and cheat and a terrible person and that she's dead to me and I want nothing to do with her and that I hate her. Nothing at all meaner than what I just said. But when you find out about all the lies, you just feel so much pain.

 

Her and I also made a sex tape and I said to her "its going online now!" I later apologized to her and said that I'd never do that and was just frustrated and angry in that moment. She even talked to one of my friends and said she knows that I'm not that type of guy and would never do that to her.

 

But she still brings it up.. . . last we spoke she brought it up how I was so messed up to threaten her with the sex tape.

 

I mean...I feel terrible about it! But is it just her way to deflect what she did back at me for my error in judgment?

 

I mean I really regret what I said and have apologized a billion times over. But I dont know. I mean....when you find out someone has been lying and cheating on you....its so much pain to bear...especially in the beginning,

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I didn't think you were having any contact with her so I'm not sure what you mean by still bringing it up. The only reason she brings it up is to take the heat off her but if you don't talk she won't get the chance to bring it up.

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Its always on my mind....i go out and try and keep busy. But this depression keeps hitting me. I wish this would end. Im taking all the steps now but I feel like it will never end all this pain. I see some people go NC and date others and then 6-12 months they still talk about this pain. It never escapes them....I dont want to go through life with all this pain.

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