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Thread: My boyfriend accuses me of cheating. Help Please !

  1. #1

    Unhappy My boyfriend accuses me of cheating. Help Please !

    Hello everyone, i'm new to this forum but i found it and i decided to make a thread and hopefully i get some responses..

    So the story is that I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, and throughout the whole relationship he always accused me of cheating. I know i shouldnt have kept dating him from the beginning or moved in with him, but he was my first serious relationship and i was dumb and believed that he would change for me. I loved him from the beginning and i love him to this day, but he has just accused me of cheating so much and so often its ridiculous. He thinks that when i go to work i sometimes have people cover my shift, and then ill go out with guys. He is possessive and super jealous. He never lets me hang out with any (girl) co-workers. If i did want to hang out with them, he'd refuse to take me to their house, and always make it a huge deal(i didnt have my own car, so he'd use that to control me too). He tells me im being shady/full of sh*t when im being completely honest with him.

    I am young and lets say he is 25+ . I would assume a guy this age should be stable and mature, and he always tells me how much he loves me, that i mean the world to him, but then he will treat me like the bottom of his shoe.

    It has been this way for a long time now and im getting tired of it, i used to think that he would change, and i had faith in him. But now i dont believe he will change but i love him a lot its stupid. I am a good girl, i dont have any friends i just go to work and back. We both play video games so i didnt hang out with people much. And he still accused me a lot.

    Now, i left once to visit my family (had to go out of state) when i bought my ticket it was to break up, but mentalities changed and i love him so much i ended up returning after 6 days. Things didnt really change, they might have for maybe a week or so but not definitely. Again, I left him just recently and when i bought the ticket, it was to break up once again. Now here I am, i am not with him right now I am with my family but we still talk/text. I am confused, I wanted to leave him when i bought the ticket, when he mistreated me i would right them down on my phone so i could remember the cruel things he accused/told me. That i most certainly dont deserve. Isn't he supposed to treat me right if he loves me as much as he says he does? So now im out here, away from him and i miss him. I always miss him when im away from him, but i dont want to be mistreated again.

    I just need advice and i need your personal experience if u had one similiar, and hopefully you felt better when u really broke it off. Cuz im young and hes my first love im just scared i wont find someone who i will love or who will treat me right. I'd feel stupid if i gave in to my sadness, go back to him and he just treats me worse, and he doesn't change.

    (and thats only the beginning)

    Please help, friends.

  2. #2
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    Hey there my friend,

    I had (somewhere here you can find my first posts on that topic) a very abusive, jealous boyfriend for 3 years. He was my first as well, and we were both young. He used to be jealous with me going to school, to my parents, work, friends, everything. Nothing was allowed except us two sitting home. He always thought I am cheating on him, he saw my sex partners everywhere in every male I knew. I thought I loved him, and for sure when we were happy I did, but now, after 4 years post-breakup, and after dating and being celibate (no sex) for a year, I finally found a guy that I can stay with forever. You are young as you said yourself, so love yourself and live your life, you deserve it.
    Good luck!

  3. #3
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    I have been there as well darling and it can only change when he can see he has a problem and mostly people like that only acknowledge it when they fear they will lose you , they then promise you the world and many changes ....and it doesn't happen . It doesn't happen because it will take time , a lot of time and pain for that person to change their behaviour .....and as I said , mostly they don't want to change as they are so cought up in their world they see no reason for themselves to change .

    so your future with him is looking dark , and your life will be miserable and controlled and it will get worse and worse , his behaviour will get worse , you will eventually be so worn down with it you will never be able to see a way out .

    You have made this break and naturally the nicer aspects of him are now becoming a loss to you , and your grieving for the life you hoped you would have with him , because contrary to popular belief , people like this do have an endearing loving side ....that what we fall for to start with ..but the anger and jelousy is bigger than that and bigger than you .


    you where born a free spirit with a whole world out there to explore , to enjoy , there are thousands of people waiting to cross you on your path , the new experiences , the new friends ..there are so many reasons to enjoy life with someone by your side who will let you explore and develop , whilst loving and supporting you ....don't throw that away and settle for the kind of life he is offering you .

    big hugs ..I KNOW how this feels xxxx

  4. #4
    Platinum Member offplanet's Avatar
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    He's only likely to get worse. You should get out while you still can. Stay with your family and don't go back.
    The heart is a lonely hunter

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  6. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desiree909 View Post
    Hello everyone, i'm new to this forum but i found it and i decided to make a thread and hopefully i get some responses..

    So the story is that I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, and throughout the whole relationship he always accused me of cheating. I know i shouldnt have kept dating him from the beginning or moved in with him, but he was my first serious relationship and i was dumb and believed that he would change for me. I loved him from the beginning and i love him to this day, but he has just accused me of cheating so much and so often its ridiculous. He thinks that when i go to work i sometimes have people cover my shift, and then ill go out with guys. He is possessive and super jealous. He never lets me hang out with any (girl) co-workers. If i did want to hang out with them, he'd refuse to take me to their house, and always make it a huge deal(i didnt have my own car, so he'd use that to control me too). He tells me im being shady/full of sh*t when im being completely honest with him.

    I am young and lets say he is 25+ . I would assume a guy this age should be stable and mature, and he always tells me how much he loves me, that i mean the world to him, but then he will treat me like the bottom of his shoe.

    It has been this way for a long time now and im getting tired of it, i used to think that he would change, and i had faith in him. But now i dont believe he will change but i love him a lot its stupid. I am a good girl, i dont have any friends i just go to work and back. We both play video games so i didnt hang out with people much. And he still accused me a lot.

    Now, i left once to visit my family (had to go out of state) when i bought my ticket it was to break up, but mentalities changed and i love him so much i ended up returning after 6 days. Things didnt really change, they might have for maybe a week or so but not definitely. Again, I left him just recently and when i bought the ticket, it was to break up once again. Now here I am, i am not with him right now I am with my family but we still talk/text. I am confused, I wanted to leave him when i bought the ticket, when he mistreated me i would right them down on my phone so i could remember the cruel things he accused/told me. That i most certainly dont deserve. Isn't he supposed to treat me right if he loves me as much as he says he does? So now im out here, away from him and i miss him. I always miss him when im away from him, but i dont want to be mistreated again.

    I just need advice and i need your personal experience if u had one similiar, and hopefully you felt better when u really broke it off. Cuz im young and hes my first love im just scared i wont find someone who i will love or who will treat me right. I'd feel stupid if i gave in to my sadness, go back to him and he just treats me worse, and he doesn't change.

    (and thats only the beginning)

    Please help, friends.
    Anything that is done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

    Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and manipulative. Period. Full stop.

    Any woman who loved herself would not subject herself to that kind of treatment. A woman who would subject herself to that is someone who loves being on the roller coaster of an unbalanced bully. The high tension, the always pleading with him about how good you are, etc.--all of that is like a shot of heroin to a junkie. You crave that drug and that is why you keep going back to him, keeping in contact with him, trying to convince yourself that returning to him will mean he's changed based only on the premise that you love him. Clearly, you loving him is no where near being a strong enough glue to keep your relationship right... in fact, your love for him has nothing to do with how slenderly he considers you. At the heart of the matter, he thinks you're a cheater and a liar, no matter how wrong he is: it only matters to him what he thinks, not what you are.

    Of course he's pouring on the sweet, loving words right now: his comfort zone has been altered and it's not convenient for him not to have a punching bag, and you're so willing to be his punching bag. He's going to say anything--ANYTHING--to lull you back into that familiar stupor and then the whole cycle will start back over again.

    You need to start loving yourself a whole lot more or else this kind of a guy is what you will continue to attract and battle.

    If you are living with your family, then stop texting him. Tell him that it's over and block his number and block all avenues of contact.

    When that part of you that is weak for him starts amping up, recall how you feel when you're called a liar; recall how you feel when you are being accused of cheating; recall how insulted you feel when you, a grown woman, are told who you are allowed to hang out with by a man who is not your father. Tap into those feelings and then let the strong part of you which knows better rule you. You cannot allow your heart right now to rule anything because when you allow your heart to rule you, you wind up at the mercy of an abusive man WHO IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.

    Stop telling yourself the lie that you will never, ever find anyone else. That is the furthest thing from the truth and it demonstrates that you don't have sufficient love for yourself to know better. Your boyfriend has been able to plant seeds of self-doubt in your mind--and it's time for you to do some serious weeding up in there.... pull that mess out by the roots. You are young---you have every reason to count on finding a new guy who will treat you better---but only when you learn to treat YOURSELF better. You have been given a great gift with being able to live with your family. Use this time to get strong in your mind and in your resolve. Learn to put yourself first when it comes to love. Never, ever allow any man to gain as great a foothold in your heart and mind as you allowed this abuser to get. Anyone who will beat you down does not love you; they despise what you reflect back to them about themselves because they do not love themselves... and it's not your job to love them enough for the both of you. You are not strong enough to carry that burden---you've got your own self-love burden to shoulder first.
    Last edited by Kendahke; 07-11-2013 at 09:18 AM.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Snow Bird's Avatar
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    I am going to say a few things here hun, and I will start out by putting a disclaimer in here. That disclaimer is that I want you to know that what I post here is for you to think about. I don't want you to think I am accusing him of this for sure and that I am saying he is definitely this way. I want you to read everything I post and click on the link and read through it. Judge for yourself if he is doing these things. You know him and we don't, but if you read through my post, and the article in the link I put, think hard about what he does in comparison to the list in the article. You might find that it's true. Only you can decide that hun.

    I want to say that the biggest mistake women make when they enter into a relationship or marriage, is to think the person they marry will change bad reactions etc in time or that they can change them. *BIG ANNOYING BUZZARD SOUND* ..... WRONG!!!!! The overall essence of a person will NOT change.. it's true some people can go through therapy and work out damaging parts of their reactions and personalities... but still it's rare. And it takes a whole lot of LOVE and SELF-CONTROL to even begin to try.. and most people have a very difficult time staying with it. It can be done though. So read through the article and decide if you feel he does have this type of issue. It's called control issues. If he is indeed doing all of these things, and it sounds like to me by your post that he is indeed doing more than half of these things, then he has a problem hun. And that problem is not your fault. It seems to me he might have control issues along with insecurity issues.. they kind of bounce off each other kind of thing.

    Please understand I am not saying he is a monster. I am just trying to help you see what might be the issue in your relationship. Read through the article and decide yourself what you think. If you think he does have these control issues, you need to decide if you want out of the relationship or if you want to talk to him about this and see if he is willing to do something about it. If he wants to try to work it out, then decide if you want to go through all of the therapy etc with him. Do you love him enough for that? or do you feel you really need to move on? Is there hope he will even acknowledge he has control issues (if that is what you see?)? It's your decision hun. Make the right one for yourself, and for him.

    Here is the link to the article:

    http://www.lovepanky.com/women/under...ling-boyfriend
    A true healthy relationship is when you hold hands and walk the same path TOGETHER! It's not about being in each others pocket, glued to each others backside or being responsible for making each other happy. You are responsible for your own happiness.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Snow Bird's Avatar
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    Here is another link that will tell you more about his insecurity... see if this helps you some too:

    http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/...Boyfriend.html
    A true healthy relationship is when you hold hands and walk the same path TOGETHER! It's not about being in each others pocket, glued to each others backside or being responsible for making each other happy. You are responsible for your own happiness.

  9. #8
    Thank you everyone who replied!!! Today is a new day and ive decided he is not worth it. He has hurt me way too much and I know i will be happy one day. I need to just collect myself.

  10. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Kendahke View Post
    Anything that is done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

    Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and manipulative. Period. Full stop.

    Any woman who loved herself would not subject herself to that kind of treatment. A woman who would subject herself to that is someone who loves being on the roller coaster of an unbalanced bully. The high tension, the always pleading with him about how good you are, etc.--all of that is like a shot of heroin to a junkie. You crave that drug and that is why you keep going back to him, keeping in contact with him, trying to convince yourself that returning to him will mean he's changed based only on the premise that you love him. Clearly, you loving him is no where near being a strong enough glue to keep your relationship right... in fact, your love for him has nothing to do with how slenderly he considers you. At the heart of the matter, he thinks you're a cheater and a liar, no matter how wrong he is: it only matters to him what he thinks, not what you are.

    Of course he's pouring on the sweet, loving words right now: his comfort zone has been altered and it's not convenient for him not to have a punching bag, and you're so willing to be his punching bag. He's going to say anything--ANYTHING--to lull you back into that familiar stupor and then the whole cycle will start back over again.

    You need to start loving yourself a whole lot more or else this kind of a guy is what you will continue to attract and battle.

    If you are living with your family, then stop texting him. Tell him that it's over and block his number and block all avenues of contact.

    When that part of you that is weak for him starts amping up, recall how you feel when you're called a liar; recall how you feel when you are being accused of cheating; recall how insulted you feel when you, a grown woman, are told who you are allowed to hang out with by a man who is not your father. Tap into those feelings and then let the strong part of you which knows better rule you. You cannot allow your heart right now to rule anything because when you allow your heart to rule you, you wind up at the mercy of an abusive man WHO IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE.

    [B][B][B]Stop telling yourself the lie that you will never, ever find anyone else. That is the furthest thing from the truth and it demonstrates that you don't have sufficient love for yourself to know better. Your boyfriend has been able to plant seeds of self-doubt in your mind--and it's time for you to do some serious weeding up in there.... pull that mess out by the roots. You are young---you have every reason to count on finding a new guy who will treat you better---but only when you learn to treat YOURSELF better. You have been given a great gift with being able to live with your family. Use this time to get strong in your mind and in your resolve. Learn to put yourself first when it comes to love. Never, ever allow any man to gain as great a foothold in your heart and mind as you allowed this abuser to get. Anyone who will beat you down does not love you; they despise what you reflect back to them about themselves because they do not love themselves... and it's not your job to love them enough for the both of you. You are not strong enough to carry that burden---you've got your own self-love burden to shoulder first.
    This quote helped me so much, he very much abused me emotionally and it was beginning to get physical and thats why i decided to buy my ticket. I needed to get out and now that im out i need to stay out because i know deep down i deserve a lot better than him. He mistreated me a lot and thats his loss, not mine. But i need time to realize it, and love myself again. He made me insecure and would pick on my flaws physically and bring me down a lot. He would say he was so much better than me. He would make me feel stupid by telling me almost daily that i was an idiot. He has anger problems and doesnt have self control and thats what ruined our relationship, he was never able to stop himself and look at himself in the moment of him yelling or putting his hands on me that he was in the wrong. Just what he thought, was correct. And also after every argument we had he would always tell me how sorry he was. But after so long i got tired of that word sorry. If you are sorry about something, u try to make an effort to change. And he never did and now its too late for him. I wont go back. Ill be strong and ill read all of your guys replies who had the time to give me advice and actually cared about me.

  11. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by larlequin View Post
    Hey there my friend,

    I had (somewhere here you can find my first posts on that topic) a very abusive, jealous boyfriend for 3 years. He was my first as well, and we were both young. He used to be jealous with me going to school, to my parents, work, friends, everything. Nothing was allowed except us two sitting home. He always thought I am cheating on him, he saw my sex partners everywhere in every male I knew. I thought I loved him, and for sure when we were happy I did, but now, after 4 years post-breakup, and after dating and being celibate (no sex) for a year, I finally found a guy that I can stay with forever. You are young as you said yourself, so love yourself and live your life, you deserve it.
    Good luck!
    Thanks for your reply, I felt the same way, even sitting at home with him he'd find something wrong with me. I wont go back!! And i will stop texting him, there is no use anymore i know now that he will not change. Im better off with my family who truly loves me and they will not hurt me purposely like he did, many many times.

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