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  1. #1
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    Victim blaming for verbal/physical abuse?

    To anyone that is or was dating/married/engaged with someone who is either physically and/or verbally abusive, how did your family and friends deal with it (or their family/friends too)

    For me, I was always the one blamed. I found out my "friend" is not inviting me to her wedding. I saw when her boyfriend proposed to her at her birthday last year. I found out through my other friend and she told me she was going to to be the Maid of Honor and when I asked if I was invited....nope, I guess not. My engaged "friend" did not like how I stayed with my ex for so long or just stopped liking me because I was with him. Yep, even when I am not with him now she is still not inviting me.

    And it makes sense, I get that people don't want to be involved in that drama or see their friend get treated badly but I always felt abandoned and sometimes I think that's why I went back to my ex so many times. I was constantly told that if I didn't break up with him, they were not going to talk to me anymore etc. but anytime I did leave...nobody was there for me. Nobody was saying "I'm glad you got away from him" etc (except my parents- I think they were the only ones), nobody invited me out with them, they always made plans with each other without me knowing. My ex's sister even blamed me for my ex "going off the deep end" and his family, instead of ever dealing with him, tell me that I'm the "idiot" for going back to him.

    Has anyone experienced "victim blaming" (I hope it's the appropriate term for this) from your abusive relationship from someone other than the abuser? Whether it's still ongoing or not and how do you cope?

  2. #2
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    You could very well be a nice and sweet person but for everyone to think the same way about you is just a bit much.

    You should take a good look at yourself from the dark side and get yourself a new set of friends because friends are always there for one another no matter what...Just saying!!!

    I would leave all of them alone and work on myself.

    BTW -- It's no excuse to settle for violence and abuse...Is that your worth?
    Last edited by KarenC; 07-06-2013 at 01:55 AM.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by kindheartsoul View Post
    Has anyone experienced "victim blaming" (I hope it's the appropriate term for this) from your abusive relationship from someone other than the abuser? Whether it's still ongoing or not and how do you cope?
    Yes, I have. I have dealt with it by not going to the places that I know that he will be at (workplace, stuff like that) and I have stopped talking to the people who were fair-weathered friends, start going to new places, making new friends, and creating new memories.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by KarenC View Post
    You could very well be a nice and sweet person but for everyone to think the same way about you is just a bit much.
    The ex could very well be lying about her, have you thought of that? He could be manipulating the people involved to make her out to be the bad person so the blame is deflected.

    Some children do this, too. They will do something, be caught red-handed in it, and will blame their sibling.

    Cheaters do this, too. They will turn it around and blame their s.o. for something the cheater did. "It's not the cheaters fault, you made me cheat."

    There are numerous threads on this forum where people are being used as a scapegoat, their ex is lying about them to people, you name it.

    Break-ups are not cookie cut black and white.

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    @ nfperception -- I have a right to my opinion just as you do and I wasn't talking to you anyway...I was talking to her!!!

    This site is to give advice and encourage 1 another...Have you ever thought of that?
    Last edited by KarenC; 07-06-2013 at 02:20 AM.

  7. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by KarenC View Post
    @ nfperception -- I have a right to my opinion just as you do and I wasn't talking to you anyway...I was talking to her!!!

    This site is to give advice and encourage 1 another...Have you ever thought of that?
    Yes, I have thought of that. No where did I say that you are wrong and I am right, but I am stating what I've seen written all over this website.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    I think that inviting you to the wedding would have opened the possibility that you would bring your ex, since you went back to him so many times. They are not blaming you for anything. They just are accepting that you make poor decisions and don't want it to ruin their wedding.

    As for not jumping for joy EACH time you left...it gets old after the 2nd time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    but anytime I did leave...
    There is your answer right there. That statement implies that you left only to go back to the abuse. People who have personal boundaries, people who are not codependent will stop enabling someone such as yourself who goes back to an abuser. Since you went back to your abuser, your ex friends no longer believed you or in your part-time leaving so they distanced themselves from you for yours and they're own good.

    Have you gotten help for your low self-esteem, your lack of personal boundaries, your codependency? Perhaps if they see you're actually trying to better yourself, to love yourself enough to never get with that type of man again, they would come around to believing your actions. Your word doen't pull any weight anymore.

    Look after yourself and get the help you need to be the best you that you can be.

    I base my opinion and advice on only what you have shared with us, OP. No blaming the victim. Just pointing out what may very well have been why your friends have had enough of seeing you abused only to go back for more of the same. Sometimes you just have to stop enabling the behaviour for the "victims" own best interests.

    The ex could very well be lying about her, have you thought of that? He could be manipulating the people involved to make her out to be the bad person so the blame is deflected.
    This is sheer speculation. No where in Op's post has she indicated that her spouse has been lying to HER friends about her.

    I'll add that you stopped being a "victim" when you left and went back to him the first time. After that, you were a "volunteer." I suspect you will call me a "victim blamer" as well since I've pointed out where you have made mistakes rather then beng sympathetic. I empathise with the pain (but thats it.. no one likes to see anyone in pain) you feel from being abandoned while unbiasedly pointing out why you very well may have been.
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 07-06-2013 at 01:45 PM.

  10. #9
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    No @nfperception is right. He did lie to his family about me and tried to lie to my family about me (I say try because they didn't believe him), so I don't put it past him really. I know he was going around telling everyone I was still his girlfriend even when I did leave *sigh* So yeah, it does screw up people's perceptions of me.

    @mhowe - I understand but I still find that a load of crock and she is not the real friend I thought she was. There would be no way in hell I would ever invite him or consider it as even an option. I want nothing to do with him and it's been that way for a couple of months now. I'm trying aren't I? By the way, no one jumped for joy the first time either.

  11. #10
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    Well it looks like my last post didn't show up on here, so I will try it again.

    @KarenC - This was only the one friend that thinks that way about me. His family was told multiple lies about me by him, so really? I don't know what they think of me and I don't care (his family is as dead to me as he is now), but you're totally right about working on myself

    @mhowe - I still think it's a load of crock. I have been TRYING the last couple of months to get him away to the point where I had to make a police complaint against him for this first time, and I sincerely mean that. I don't want anything to do with him anymore and I think I have made myself clear to her. So no, it's not going to "ruin" her precious wedding by inviting me because he is not part of my life. By the way, they didn't jump for joy the first time. People don't care about other people's issues unless it directly affects them, the only pass judgment (or think "that will never happen to me!")

    @Thatwasthen Actually nfperception was right to an extent. He tried to make up stories about me to his family (Hence why they attacked me) and tried to with my family (they didn't believe him) but as far as my friends go, I wouldn't put it past him to make up stories.

    I don't think you're a victim blamer, but when people who do have low self-esteem, low confidence etc. with no real support system, it's easy to fall back with the same person. Maybe I felt I would be unloved for the rest of my life? Maybe I don't have a lot of friends to begin with, or maybe because he always pretended to be a knight in shining armor and acted like he was the only one there for me? (Vicious cycle with any abuse..) Trust me, I didn't think I was that type of woman but now I realize how crazy I was becoming like him. I'm glad I saved myself the agony now rather then marrying the fellow years down the road thinking he really "loved" me.

    I'm sure there are plenty of people on here that took them many, many times to leave and it's never EVER as easy as people think. I guess "victim" is the wrong word because I shouldn't act like I was a victim. I realize I made my mistake of CHOOSING to go back with him but if people don't understand that trying to break up, get away, cutting all ties of communication, or filing a police report does take a lot of guts and strength to do, then they aren't my friend.

    I'll go with what @nfperception said about surrounding myself with newer people, and perhaps gaining new/healthier friendships with other folks.

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