GF of 5 years married someone else a month later.?.

i have read a lot of threads on here so i decided it might be a good place to get some feedback and maybe vent a little bit too. so here is my story in a nutshell.

i have been dating a girl for the last 5 years and everything seemed to be great. we communicated well and had been friends for another 3 years before we started dating. we never really fought except a couple of times when i just refused to talk to her while she was overreacting. even then i suggested she just calm down and then we would talk - which only happened twice and both times we calmly talked things out after she calmed down.

well back in November of 2012 i left my executive position to start my own business. also her dad has been very sick with terminal cancer and on my last day of work she called and said i needed to get to the hospital quickly (about 1 1/2 hours away). so when i got there they gave us the news that he only had 2 to 3 days to live. so once we got back home and got him settled her mother had her dad make her promise to move in with her mother and take care of her (emotionally and financially) after he died.

i didn't really want to upset her even more by discussing this during this emotional time. so i just accepted that things would be tense until after he passed and then we would figure things out from there. well 6 months of living with her mother and very stressful work environment she just snaps. she shows up at my house and attempts to break things off. we talked about it and we decided i was just going to give her some time and space. over the next 2 weeks we talked and texted but she kept telling me she would get very worked up with anxiety when i called or she tried to call me. so finally i told her i would just back completely off (No Contact) but i was still going to be there if she needed me.

2 weeks later i found out that she got married the day before. basically my sister (that didn't know we were having problems) saw pictures on the internet of her at a wedding. so as i was explaining the situation to my sister i get a phone call from my girlfriend's phone. so i answered it and it was her 5 year old daughter saying first she missed me and wanted to come to my house. then she said "mommy got a new wife yesterday" then the 9 year old daughter said "mommy got married to .... yesterday so we won't ever come back to my house -- i'm sorry". when i asked to speak to their mother and when they told her i wanted to talk to her she hung up on me. i called back once and she sent me to voicemail. so the next day she changed her number but then gave it to 2 of our friends. that was 2 weeks ago and i still have not had any contact with her directly but there has been a regular schedule of small posts on facebook (usually about 1 to 2 things per week).

she was a drama queen before we started dating but i thought she had grown out of that over the years but it almost seems like she is just trying to "poke the bear" to see how i will react.

btw the guy she married works with her mother and is 15 years older than her (she is 30).

so any input or comments would be appreciated.

Since she's gotten married, its now time for you to move on with your life. Just maintain the NC, dont get exited when and if she calls you. She isn't yours anymore.

Wow that must be really hard on you. The best advice is to completely steer clear of here. There is something wrong on her side and you really don't want to have to deal with that anymore.

Wow that's brutal. How cold! But yeah, I agree with the above posters. Don't try to contact her and if she contacts you then ignore her. You mentioned she's a drama queen. Don't give in to her mind games!

Gaaaah!!

I'm so sorry. Especially since it seems you, essentially, have a daughter. (Just idle curiosity: Did you start dating her when she was pregnant with this child?)

In any event, although this probably won't help right now, you are lucky lucky lucky! Either, she (and her child/children...) just exchanged solemn vows with some dude she doesn't really know, or, she's been cheating on you with this guy for a while. Either way, good riddance! There's lots of fish in the sea, as they say. And lots of them way the heck better than this lunatic.

ok so i'm not the one that is crazy here... that is a relief. i do have to text her tomorrow about getting a small loan taken off my savings account and i'm betting i end up paying for that. it is just crazy because she has never let on that she would even be capable of something this off the wall. at first i thought all of it was just to get my attention but i think it is more about getting ANY attention at this point. rationally i know it would never work but i still find myself wondering if she will try to come back when and if this marriage doesn't work out. i guess at this point i think maybe if that happened i could get some answers but i know that is crazy to even think about that. i'm trying to move on with my life but with all this time on my hands i am finding it difficult to stay focused on other things. i'm going to check out some gyms tomorrow and i am attempting to write a business plan for a franchise business i am looking to purchase but it seems like i end up day dreaming about this crap. i appreciate the advice and feedback!

That was a really weird, unstable choice of her to make. Especially the way she showed up at your house to break up with you, I think this situation with her father dying and taking care of her mother might be making her kind of unstable. Anyway, you're better off without her right now and I think there's a good chance this rebound marriage (which is what I think it is) won't last.

we started dating shortly after the baby was born but like i said we have been friends for several years before we started dating. but yes that child (and the ex) considered me her father since hers wasn't really in the picture until she was 2 or 3 years old. as far as the cheating part that doesn't even register on the scale at this point as she MARRIED this guy. i honestly think this was all set up by her mother which is ironic since she divorced her ex for continuing to live with his parents while they were married. thanks again for the feedback

Nothing much to add... she's a married woman now. Best that you accept that and get on with your life.

well the texting went well this morning about the loan and personal items. we were both just matter of fact about it all and she is supposed to go to the bank today to see if they can her on the loan by herself. that should be the last thing to really get everything done. can't say i'm not a bit upset but I guess that will pass with time...

Sounds like there was a lot of emotional problems that she felt this older guy could handle. You dodged a bullet like Neo in the Matrix. 5yrs is a long time, but her problems, baggage, issues and emotional rollercoasters now belong to someone else. She will contact you soon enough to say she has made a huge mistake. That or the guy will contact you to say he has made a huge mistake and offer her back to you.

Remember, if you love something, let it go, if it comes back, no one else could stand them either.

thanks No1. I guess there is still a part of me that emotionally wants to hear her (or him) say that even though logically I know too much has happened to ever go back. still it is difficult to not think about if and when she will come back and when the marriage will fall apart. I know it isn't my problem anymore but I miss and worry about her and the kids anyway. I really appreciate people posting on here as I don't want to wear out my friends with all this crap. I have been going out and having people over and most of the time I can seem to keep the conversation off of this topic but after that long with the same person it is difficult to talk about anything and not say "well _________ used to..." and I'm sure that will pass with time. I do really miss her and the girls but I have to do what is best for me and my son now.

Anyone want to take bets on how long before she contacts me? I know that is harsh but I would love to hear some opinions.

Thanks again.

Hey, after 5yrs how can you not think of someone? I feel you, you just cant turn it off, and not saying you should. She had a lot of stuff going on in her life and head and you did the best you could. Maybe this guy she married has his own problems and he was a good distraction from it all. She can avoid hers by helping him out with his. It sounded like you had your stuff together and she would probably feel like she was a big anchor in the relationship and this new guy is like a news stand loaded with issues so she can feel more comfortable with him. Some people are just not happy until they have drama, and you were probably too drama free.

I dont think its going to take more than a month before she contacts you in some way.

Hang in there bud and ride this out.....its gonna be a long and tough one but you will make it thru. Your story sounds a lot like mine so I know exactly what you are feeling. I felt like my ex didn't love me any longer after 12 years and as hard as I fought to keep the relationship alive, she failed to put any effort into it in the end. I was forced to dump her which she never protested and what does she do in less than a year...she gets engaged and threw it in my face after a year of NC aside from a few emails I sent her throughout the year letting her know I loved her and wanted to be with her. Its been 1.5 years since our breakup and I still think of her everyday and hope that she comes back but im slowly pushing through all of the pain that comes with her. She recently called me but I didn't answer because she caused me so much pain that I could not even handle hearing her voice. She hasn't contacted me since and still wonder what she wanted but the truth of the matter is, if she wanted to reconcile she would have tried again.

As hard as it may be, you have to disappear from her life and move on with yours because just like me, we are left with no other choice. Our ex's made theirs and we weren't included.

They say never to make major decisions in grief that are major and legally binding. Wait. I think that she is doing strange things with her grief. Mom might have really liked this guy and wanted her to marry him "as her wish" or she wants to be the perfect daughter. She may turn around, wake up and regret this sorely. I mean, who marries someone when they are in a relationship with someone else. I sincerely hope this was a court house wedding because no pastor/minister/priest in their right mind would marry these two after consulting with them. They would urge her to deal with her grief.

I am so sorry. This is a shock like I can't even imagine. Take care of yourself. And if that little one calls you again - she needs your support. I normally would not advocate contact but in this place where she was practically like a daughter - I would take her calls.

about the only sense I can make out of the whole quick marriage thing is that the ex-GFs dad is still alive and her mom suggested they go ahead and get married before he passes away. As crazy as that sounds the same thought crossed my mind a couple of years ago when my dad had terminal lung cancer and I even started to suggest it when we found out her dad was this sick back last year. I mean after you have been together for 3 or 4 years you know who someone really is right... I guess not and after seeing this 180 now I wonder if she has just been pretending this whole time. If she can keep pretending with this new guy then it may go the distance since he is so much older than either of us.

it is funny that you mentioned the pastor because both she and I were agnostic and a week after us not talking I noticed she changed her status on FB to Christian. her mom is one to only use the Bible when it benefits her point of view and a "preacher says" kind of person. The pastor that married them is married but separated from his wife and openly gay. I respect all other beliefs (even if they differ from my own) and sexual preference but I don't think this marriage had a lot of intervention from the right religious leaders/teachers. The guy she married is big on public image and since we live in the Bible Belt she is now expected to be there any time the doors are open with her Sunday best on. I also know that the new guy is one of those to use God's plan to get what he wants and serve his own agenda. He also just got divorced less than a year ago after being married for 20 years.

I know none of this matters but I can't tell you how much better I feel to just get this out of my system and see feedback from you guys and gals. I have also thought about the girls and I had already decided to answer any time I think it would be either one of the girls. I miss them so much and even though my son enjoys not having them around the house anymore I know he misses them being her too. Thanks again for the support and I guess we will see what happens.

well I haven't heard from her since Monday when we were texting about the bank loan she was going to take care of and the personal belongings so I called the bank. They said she came by and asked what happens if she stops paying the note and they told her it would just draw from my account. She said she was going to keep making the payments and then left. She hasn't let me know anything so far. I just texted her to see what she has to say but haven't heard anything yet.

she just texted and said that the loan officer said I was "incredibly worried" she wasn't going to keep paying the loan and acted offended that I can't trust her to pay it. I told her I just needed it taken care of and she said she was "doing her best eradicate the issue" and they didn't tell she just needed to apply for a new loan and pay off the current one.

I have read that if in these situations when there isn't a clean break that means they are still not sure about their decision to leave but considering she is married to someone else now I would think that means she is done. She has paid back everything else so is this last unresolved thing her way of keeping me in suspension or is this just her final "screw you" for me having to pay her loan off?

Well that's a brick wrapped in tp....

You did one thing right: you raised a thoughtful, considerate "daughter."

If you end up having to pay off the loan, just imagine you're paying for a divorce and this loan is what the settlement, the lawyers fees, and all your time would have cost you in five, ten, or twenty years. If it's not very big, lean back and enjoy this moment...

Oh yeah. One thing that really helped me get over my ex, was finding that one person who I could talk to and just letting it all out. That person turned out to be a good friend's Mom, who is a bit of a "cup of coffee" based grief counselor, even if she has no proper credentials. Where no body else was the resource I needed [there are a TON of hearts out there who have been broken but remain unresolved], the hour with her was worth three, four figures - at least. I can't tell you where this person is or who they are, and they may be a formal therapist, one worth paying money for a session or two, but do find them.

Best of luck to you!

Yea I guess you are right as if I would have married her then it would have cost me a lot more than this loan. I guess I just feel like it is just insult added to injury. I mean she knew for a long time she wasn't coming back home and feel like she should already had this resolved. I just want this all to be over so I can try and have some finality to this situation. I would also think the new husband would want all ties cut from me as soon as possible.

I would also think the new husband would want all ties cut from me as soon as possible.

I would think so too, and this is your ace in the hole if she defaults on the loan.

so what is happening here? is this just the last thing she can drag out so that I keep texting her or do I just take the bullet and move on without contacting her anymore about it? i know she is too ashamed to even talk to me. the only way we are even communicating is over text and she seems to try and be condescending and act like i should be able to trust her.

i don't have any hope for it working out and i guess the best i am hoping for is that she will at least call and say she made a mistake. i don't know why that seems so important but as much as i try to not think about that it is a constant in my head. i guess if she ever wants to try to come back i think maybe i could at least get some answers. it has been a rough day and i really hope it gets better this weekend.

on bad days - i find myself constantly wondering how long this rebound marriage will last or if she will start contacting me while she is still married to this guy. i hope some more time will help with those types of thoughts and i wonder if she thinks about any of it too because it seems like she shouldn't be able to just shut those feelings off either. i know a lot of people distance themselves before the break but i don't think that was really the case here as there were just too many things right before this happened she wouldn't have done just to make a break right afterwards.

sounds like you want to be right and you want her back. Will your world all of a sudden be right if she says I f-ed up? Or do you need to settle this with your Ego? Why are you comparing yourself to this new man? sounds to me you want to prove that you are the better man despite her marrying this guy.

Listen.. (or read) she has lots of mental problems. Why do you want to deal with that? Anyway, if you love her, then let her go, wish her well on her new chapter in her life. Does it mean this new guy is better than you? No way. You can still be the better man, just he married someone who has serious issues. You know she made a mistake, in time she will realize it to, it helps no one if she calls you to say "I miss you, I screwed up" I dont think you have fully accepted that its over. Once you do, you will be able to move on.

No1 you are right. I have really struggled with getting that out of my head over the weekend. I feel like I know what I have to do just I can't get myself to do it sometimes (or at least when I really get trapped in my own head). today has been better and I hope tomorrow continues in the same direction. I think you hit the nail on the head that i'm definitely comparing myself to him and wondering why she would leave and go there so quickly. I know I still wonder what I did to make her want to leave so bad after that long and immediately get married to someone else - I tell myself it is because I want to get it right the next time but honestly I think i'm trying to find the answer to the same question - which goes back to WHY HIM and NOT ME.

I guess I kind of feel like i'm not taking responsibility to just say "she is crazy and this isn't about me." I mean after 5 years either there were red flags that I obviously missed or she is just that good to pretend she was ok that entire time and then all of a sudden just up and do something like this.

on the ego side of things most assuredly as I feel like a piece of trash that just got used and tossed away. I remember when I got divorced and had that same feeling that "I HAD TO WIN" feeling and when she finally did contact me and say she wanted to come back home then all of a sudden I wasn't sure that was what I wanted. Again logic tells me i'm totally wrong for thinking that way but it creeps into my stupid head anyway.

I appreciate the feedback and i'm going to need some more smacks to the head to get through this i'm sure. Can't thank you enough!

Its ok my ENA friend. I feel you, but at the same time, realize its not between you and him. She did not choose him over you, she chose the path of least resistance, what was easier. It was easy to marry this guy given your history with her. In no way does it mean this guy is better. But look at it like this too. She was also not the best girl in the world for you. Maybe that God or whatever entity you believe in removed her from your life to make room for someone better and new. Just because you felt like this other guy "won" means his prize is better than yours. In time youll meet a remarkable emotionally available, stable woman that will make you laugh and smile again and the best part, she will be drama free! Meanwhile, she will have to wake up and be reminded of her mistake every day while you are out holding hands with someone who makes you happy, not someone that you have to make happy for you to be happy.

I would not contact her again unless it is a necessity due to resolving property and that can be done either by letter, fax or through lawyers or banks. You have to respect that she is a married woman, and as a married woman, you must leave her alone. It does not serve you to try to win her back or stay in touch. She dug her own hole and has to be without you. She may realize someday what she has done, but don't be their waiting for her.

But i will say that if the conversion was genuine, I could see her eventually leaving you behind if she could not see herself marrying an agnostic someday, but not in such a dramatic fashion. in time, the grief may subside and she may see what is what, but you have to move forward - there might have not been a huge red flag that you missed = some people do 180's when they are grief stricken. You might not have seen it coming.