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Having an affair with a girl who already have a boyfriend


Lord Lucan

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Hi!

I'm 29 years old she's 22. We are co-workers for some 9 months now. When we just met there was a lot of mutual symphaties and we become very close friends very fast. In mid-April we both got a bit drunk and it happened. And then some more. In the end of April she broke up with her boyfriend (I didn't ask for it) and we were together for precisely a week, after that she very abruptly run off back to her freshly left ex-boyfriend. She told me she loves him and it was wrong to do what we did. But we did more of the wrong things anyway I think since then she has dropped me 4 times or so and I did it twice, but we are both still feeling attraction to each other and sometimes meeting (outside work I mean).

Honestly I don't know what to do with her. By now I deeply care for her, even love her, but Im stuck being her lover from time to time and I feel this is going nowhere. Now I want her to leave that boyfriend of her's. I feel like if there is such thing as a soul mate, she is mine. We have similar interests, values we understand each other and we always have a lots of fun together. Plus sex is great. I have met her boyfriend and talked with him and he seemed like nobody. I'm taller more muscular, more handsome, more educated, have higher social standing and more money. Her boyfriend is just a regular bloke without education, but she is really smart girl studying law and all. I cant even imagine what they can talk about at the dinner table. It just seems so stupid. She told me he never hurts her, is a nice guy and loves her very much, but that doesn't sound very great.

Im thinking maybe it really is a big mysterious LOVE, or maybe shes just a young, confused girl who will come to her senses.

I don't even know what the question here is. I guess. What should I do?

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You are muscular, handsome, educated and earn plenty of money. Go and find yourself a girlfriend who ISN'T a co-worker, wants you and only you, and hasn't got an on-off relationship with another guy, and an on-off relationship with you.

 

She is not the one who needs to come to her senses; she's having her cake and eating it, enjoying the stability of a relationship with someone who loves her, plus the excitement of having extra-curricular flings with you. You are right that this is going nowhere - for you.

 

Trying to convince yourself that it really is a big mysterious LOVE will only keep you stuck in a situation which is already making you unhappy; you've got lots going for you - now get up and find yourself a proper relationship.

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Do you really want a girl who you know will cheat and run around on you behind your back? Because that is what she doing to her BF, and if she does it to him, she'll do it to you... hey wait, she's already doing that... she's toying with you and loving life having two men at once! She got her stable loving BF, and then she got you on the side for variety and attention when she's in the mood... great life... for HER!

 

You talk as if the problem is her boring clod of a BF that she just needs to lose and then everything will be wonderful for the two completely goodlooking and awesome people you think you and she are. But the problem is, she's NOT awesome at all and the problem is she's a cheater and a liar who will keep two guys on a string for her amusement. So SHE'S a great big fat HUGE problem that won't be cured by dumping the BF. You'll then have on your hands a liar and a cheat who would busily be looking for another man to keep on the side for her entertainment.

 

Lose this girl. She's not worth it. Things NEVER end up well in the end when one person is a repetitive liar and a cheat, which she is. This wasn't one little slip up, this is her keeping two guys on a string.

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You guys make it sound like I'm some self-absorbed *****. I'm not a native English speaker, so it might look that way. I just wanted to point out that objectively (if one can be objective in my situation) I'm a better man then he is, at least for her. But that doesn't sound very clever that's true.

 

I was thinking about her "having her cake and eating it", but I love at least loved being eaten by her. Boyfriend wasn't a problem at a start. It become a problem when she dropped him and gave me a hope. I kinda enjoyed being her new boyfriend while it lasted, enjoyed a lot.

I don't think shes a repetitive liar or cheat either, I have been with that kind of woman and she is far too naive and feels far to guilty about stuff to qualify. Or maybe shes just good at it Important thing is, its not just sex - she is or at least was dear friend of mine and now there's a lot of attraction and draw between us two.

 

So how about some practical advise? I was thinking to tell her how I feel about her, cut contact and left for her to decide what she wants to do with this. Then again, maybe I should continue and wait until her now highly suspicious boyfriend does something stupid? Or maybe continue and try to charm her over. Or wait until one of us breaks down completely. I really don't want to lose her or give up.

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People are trying to help you. A woman that cheats on her boyfriends and plays with your emotions is not someone with good morals or someone that will treat you well in a relationship.

 

The right thing to do is to cut off contact and stop letting her cheat on her boyfriend with you. For sure you can say 'Hey I really like you, I don't want to carry on behind your boyfriends back, if you decide you want to be with me properly as your boyfriend you know where I am'

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>>I'm a better man then he is, at least for her. But that doesn't sound very clever that's true.

 

Umm, maybe not because she won't dump him and he's still her BF. People can make some very strong connections and fall in love where the connection is emotional and not based strictly on looks and money. You're assuming those are the trump cards, that if you're better looking or have more money or a better job, you're better for her, but people evaluate others based on far more criteria than that and will choose someone YOU don't understand why they make that choice, they but they have very different criteria than you for why they want that person more than you. Those reasons may not be apparent to you, but they are to her or she wouldn't stay with him or go back to him immediately after only leaving him for one week.

 

And here's a thought... she may be choosing him specifically because she trusts that her boring but loving BF is not the type to ever run around on her and leave her, whereas you might. I've met quite a few people who marry what someone else would evaluate as a 'lesser' spouse, but they do it ON PURPOSE because they like being in control of the relationship and having the total adoration of someone they feel they can CONTROL and who will never leave them. And i know some quite flagrant cheaters who choose the mousiest spouses because the 'function' of their spouse is to take care of them and they know they themselves are cheaters, but want to be sure to have a spouse who is unlikely to cheat and dump them and break up the marriage, and a spouse who WILL put up with their cheating because they are so in control of the relationship.

 

So she has a steady boring BF who worships her, and worship may be what she wants. And she may ENJOY being 'better' than him because it makes her feel more in control, like 'he's boring but he's MINE and he'll never leave me because i'm so much better than him.' So a 'lesser than' spouse gives them a large measure of control and comfort that they will always be worshipped and never have to compete with someone stealing their 'property.'

 

The thing is you are already in the 'one down' position with this girl. If you cut her off and leave her then she'll just focus on her BF. And if you don't cut her off and leave her, she has no incentive to leave him because she's got the both of you. So this really all turns on something totally out of your control, which is how much she REALLY wants to stay with her BF or not. So in a very perverse way, HE is in control, not you. And you just have to accept that until she decides what she wants to do.

 

My best suggestion here is to start dating other women, and talk to her about them. As in, you're not going to hang around forever while she dilly dallies with you. You've got other options, and if she really is attached to you, then if it looks like that window of opportunity with you is closing for her becasue you are seeing others, then she might cut it off with him in order to not lose you to someone else. But if she doesn't care or that doesn't make her leave him, then she's never going to leave him and is just enjoying having two men fuss over her. In which case you're wasting your time and need to move on (which really, you need to do regardless because this is going nowhere at this point if she's already left him once but went back to him).

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People are trying to help you. A woman that cheats on her boyfriends and plays with your emotions is not someone with good morals or someone that will treat you well in a relationship.

 

The right thing to do is to cut off contact and stop letting her cheat on her boyfriend with you. For sure you can say 'Hey I really like you, I don't want to carry on behind your boyfriends back, if you decide you want to be with me properly as your boyfriend you know where I am'

 

Everyone cheats and lies at some point, me thinks. I have done it, but that doesn't mean I treated all my girls badly or cheated all of them. But you are right cutting contact sounds like the most reasonable option. I just hope my resolution is strong enough.

Anyone ever heard about happy ending in theses cases? I mean were a girl figures she likes her lover so much that she stays with him. Sounds unlikely to me

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My best suggestion here is to start dating other women, and talk to her about them. As in, you're not going to hang around forever while she dilly dallies with you. You've got other options, and if she really is attached to you, then if it looks like that window of opportunity with you is closing for her becasue you are seeing others, then she might cut it off with him in order to not lose you to someone else. But if she doesn't care or that doesn't make her leave him, then she's never going to leave him and is just enjoying having two men fuss over her. In which case you're wasting your time and need to move on (which really, you need to do regardless because this is going nowhere at this point if she's already left him once but went back to him).

 

I tried dating other woman option. And it seemed to work. She was very jealous (shes with boyfriend, but shes jealous. How stupid is that?) and that's how I got her back for some time after one of our now casual break ups. But then of course I couldn't and really didn't want to date anyone else so it kinda stopped working.

Maybe I just have to start some serious, heavy dating and combine it with ignoring her. Ignoring in a gentle way. Like I love you, but I don't want to be alone and wait for you forever blah-blah... That might work, but it seems a bit low towards those other woman.

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You are wrong about everyone lying or cheating at some point. Not everyone shares those values. You and her do though.

 

And so long as you think it is possible to be 'soul mates' with someone who has those values, and keep them yourself, you are bound to find yourself in these types of ugly situations. Where you are a pawn in someone else's selfish wants.

 

Now you are in a position of hoping some lame girl picks you. From among the men she sleeps with and uses. Your hoping to find the actions that will get her to pick you are misguided IMO.

 

THe smarter thing would be to release yourself from the grip she has on you. So it is you who doesn't care one way or another. And then trust me, you won't even want her.

 

Do these people ever pick their lover and leave the bf/gf/wife/hubby? Sure, sometimes. Usually only when they are booted out though by the bf/gf/wife/hubby. The thing is they don't really care about people one way or another. It's what they can get from them.

 

SO if you want to play that game, you gotta give her more of you to use. And then you might be 'lucky' enough to be picked as Number One dude that she uses from. Yay??

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Everyone cheats and lies at some point, me thinks. I have done it, but that doesn't mean I treated all my girls badly or cheated all of them. But you are right cutting contact sounds like the most reasonable option. I just hope my resolution is strong enough.

Anyone ever heard about happy ending in theses cases? I mean were a girl figures she likes her lover so much that she stays with him. Sounds unlikely to me

 

No ,sorry not everyone is a cheater.

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Do these people ever pick their lover and leave the bf/gf/wife/hubby? Sure, sometimes. Usually only when they are booted out though by the bf/gf/wife/hubby. The thing is they don't really care about people one way or another. It's what they can get from them.

 

That's one thing I was hoping for, that he will man up and boot her out. That would save me from manning up myself

 

Cheating is not a value. I'm not proud of what I did and I don't think she is. It just sometimes happens to some people. If someone steals a Snickers bar when hes 16 it doesn't mean he will be thief for all his life. I just cant see her that way - cold, calculating girl acting for her pleasure.

And it gives me hope that she are still cheating him. I mean if I broke up with my girlfriend, regret it and she would be kind enough to let me back, I would try to repair the damage and not do the same thing over again. It tells me that either 1) she doesn't love him that much if she endangers what she has with him so soon after reunion, maybe she was just pitying him or trying to be nice; 2) shes just a young, overly emotional (she is) girl who lacks the slightest idea what she does or wants; 3) Or like some people here said - she is not a nice person. I find it hard to believe tho. She being a nice person was the No 1 reason we got friendly at a start. She is a nice girl type.

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Actually I think fidelity is a value. You can value it greatly, somewhere in between, or not at all.

 

I don't think you are in love. I think you are in lust and you want her. Want, desire. And yeah that can be as blinding as love. Not caring how you get it or why or even if it is something you SHOULD have. lol. I think you have made her out in your mind to be more desirable than she actually is.

 

And you know, your frantic wanting her is probably partly because she gives only little tastes and she isn't available. It's a trap lots of people have fallen into.

 

My suggestion stands: turn your mind to not wanting her. Look at what she is actually offering.

 

If her boyfriend boots her, she'll just play this game with you or someone else. At least acknowledge the trap. lol.

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I dunno she gave me plenty and are still giving quite a lot. Lust might be over by now. We were making love like a pair of rabbits. Shes not just a meat, shes a good person to be with - intelligent, nice and funny. Maybe its friendship and lust if those two ever come together, but definitely not just lust.

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^^

Good idea.

 

The thing to keep in mind is that affairs can go on for YEARS and even decades if the other man/other woman doesn't have the courage to stand up and say, 'I deserve better than this and your partner deserves better than this so you need to make up your mind so that we can all get on with ours lives.'

 

People don't realize that the person who has two at once has very little incentive to make a choice, because either choice requires giving something up! They will string out having both because that is really the alternative that offers them the most.

 

And your decision is about whether you are willing to take crumbs (and give up the rest of the cake because you want that cake so badly you can't even take your eyes off it even if no one is really offering you a piece), or deciding that you really do deserve a whole lot more than crumbs and there are plenty of willing women out there waiting to offer you that whole cake if you only have enough strength to stand up for yourself and demand what is right for you rather than taking crumbs. The OM/OW is ALWAYS in the positon of being STARVING because they are trying to exist on crumbs, and that is really no way to live because you do deserve more.

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Anyway I think I just talk to her, explain how I feel about her what I would like to do together with her and leave her alone to decide. It might be hard working in a same building tho. This has dragged on long enough. Ill be a man for us three.

 

Always a smart choice to man up. Or woman up, whatever the case happens to be.

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we were together for precisely a week, after that she very abruptly run off back to her freshly left ex-boyfriend. She told me she loves him and it was wrong to do what we did. since then she has dropped me 4 times or so.

 

If you were soulmates, then she would be with you right now, with no intention of running back to her on-off boyfriend at every twist and turn.

 

I have met her boyfriend and talked with him and he seemed like nobody. I'm taller more muscular, more handsome, more educated, have higher social standing and more money. Her boyfriend is just a regular bloke without education

 

So what you're saying is you are better than he is? So why isn't she in YOUR arms right now? Maybe he has something far deeper to offer than a muscular body!! Maybe the sex is even greater!

 

I cant even imagine what they can talk about at the dinner table. It just seems so stupid.

 

So, he isn't as educated as you ... that DOES NOT mean to say he has no social skills or life skills or can't string two words together ... and really it doesn't seem as stupid as being prepared to hang on to someone who ran back to her boyfriend after A WEEK and who has subsequently dropped him 4 more times!

 

She told me he never hurts her, is a nice guy and loves her very much, but that doesn't sound very great.

 

Why doesn't it sound great? What ISN'T great about telling someone you love them very much and who evidently treats them very well?

 

Admittedly you two probably deserve to be together MORE because he doesn't deserve to be cheated on but, nevertheless, something is keeping her attached to this uneducated, average-looking bloke whilst you're kept on the sidelines!

 

But, anyway, in answer to your question .... I would give up!

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So, he isn't as educated as you ... that DOES NOT mean to say he has no social skills or life skills or can't string two words together ... and really it doesn't seem as stupid as being prepared to hang on to someone who ran back to her boyfriend after A WEEK and who has subsequently dropped him 4 more times!

 

People does all kinds of stupid things. Including staying with someone who's no good to them. But you are right, its stupid to assume she's not crazy about him just because I'm not.

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People does all kinds of stupid things. Including staying with someone who's no good to them. But you are right, its stupid to assume she's not crazy about him just because I'm not.

 

Well you're not wrong there. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have said that because I am guilty of making many stupid mistakes myself .. but, nevertheless, you can't assume that this guy isn't a good/nice/intelligent guy!

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Bottom line is, if she hasn't made the decision to leave him to be with you by now the you are wasting your time ... and could you ever trust that she wouldn't go back to him again? Far better to start again with someone who is less confused, less fickle and less inclined to cheat!

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