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Incestuous relationship - My ex and his sister


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I want to know what your views on this topic is. I want to know because I have long suspected my ex and his sister had/have some kind of incestuous relationship. I am an only child so understanding the sibling dynamic is really difficult for me.

 

I have dated guys with siblings before and I never got that strange gut-sick feeling that I get when I think about my ex and his relationship with his sister. Intuitively, I have always felt something was rather off with that relationship.

 

Add to that the fact that I was his first REAL relationship and that he met me only after his sister left to live overseas. The large majority of our relationship took place while she was overseas. His previous relationships while his sister was still around, were all very short-lived and unfulfilling (according to him). I find it hard to believe that this is just pure co-incidence. Add to that the fact that after his sister came to visit last December, out entire relationship fell apart.

He was a different man around her; a stranger to me.

 

He also told me that if it came down to me or his sister that it wouldnt even be a choice for him because he would ALWAYS choose his sister. I understand that family is important; but if this man tells me that he wants a life with me, wants to live with me and see's himself being with me for a long time, how can he say that?

Incidentally, his views on his relationship and future with me changed after she was here in December... He no longer wanted to talk about the future or living with me.. nothing.

 

Its been more than 2 months since our breakup and this issue has been gnawing at me since December, and it still is... even though we arent together anymore. It concerns me because we ended on good terms and if there is a chance at a reconciliation, im not sure I could do it purely because I know his sister will always be a part of his life and that he would leave me at the drop of a hat for her...

 

I feel like Im insane... That im making this up. But my intuition and instinct tells me that this is not right. Im seeing a therapist so I hope she can help me make more sense of it.

 

I know its not impossible for siblings to fall in love with one another. I just need some insight into my situation though (even though there is a lot more to the story about the time she was here). What do you guys think? Am I/ Was I justified in being so paranoid about their relationship?

 

He got really mad the once when I let slip a joke about them two (Insensitive, I know). I just cant shake this feeling.

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I have siblings and I don't think your ex sounds like he's in an incestuous relationship. I too would choose my siblings over a partner depending if the situation warrants it. I am particularly close with my twin sister and so if she raised concerns about a partner I would pay attention. My siblings know me better than anyone else so I trust that they have my best interests at heart because they have a vested interest in my happiness (that I don't question). Not everyone who has siblings would agree with me on that by the way but for me I don't see anything abnormal about the relationship with your ex and his sister just based off what you say. He could genuinely be someone who is very close to his sister and respects her feelings on his relationships. Who knows.

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You are seeing a therapist to try to make sense of your ex's behaviour with his sister? I think you should move on from your ex, if he was still your boyfriend it would be a different story but he is your EX boyfriend. Try your hardest to move on from him.

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I have siblings and I don't think your ex sounds like he's in an incestuous relationship. I too would choose my siblings over a partner depending if the situation warrants it. I am particularly close with my twin sister and so if she raised concerns about a partner I would pay attention. My siblings know me better than anyone else so I trust that they have my best interests at heart because they have a vested interest in my happiness (that I don't question). Not everyone who has siblings would agree with me on that by the way but for me I don't see anything abnormal about the relationship with your ex and his sister just based off what you say. He could genuinely be someone who is very close to his sister and respects her feelings on his relationships. Who knows.

 

They arent all THAT close. They have absolutely nothing in common with one another other than parents and family... They are polar opposites. Their interests are utterly different. It just seems like he would give up his own happiness for the sake of hers. Its just that she changes him when they are around each other. He treats her as if he would me, only better. He would go out of his way for her and wouldnt do the same for me. He then *****es about her to me.. it makes no sense. I just feel like when she is around, there is no space for any other woman in his life. She becomes his 'girlfriend'. I got neglected completely.

 

It just all bothers me because surely all of this isnt just coincidence.

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You are seeing a therapist to try to make sense of your ex's behaviour with his sister? I think you should move on from your ex, if he was still your boyfriend it would be a different story but he is your EX boyfriend. Try your hardest to move on from him.

 

I am not seeing a therapist purely for the sake of making sense of their relationship. I am seeing a therapist for other reasons; I am seeing her so that I can get myself back on track.

 

I am and have been trying to move on. Today is day 17 of NC so I think I am making strides.

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Some siblings are very emotionally close. So that in itself is not incestuous as incestuous is defined as having inappropriate sexual relations with a family member.

 

What is more problematic here is that he was a totally different person with his sister than you. That means that he was never really 'himself' around you, either because he doesn't know how to open up to someone who is not family, or because the combination of his personality and your personality stifled both of you because you didn't really mesh as a couple.

 

Siblings and family members can have a LOT of influence over choice of a partner for some people. It could be a case that the sister got home and took a dislike to you and started working against you. People can and do break up if their family doesn't approve, so that in itself is not all that uncommon, though people do need to make their own choices and sometimes don't if they're a passive personality and let the family decide for them who they will and won't date.

 

Regardless, he is over and done so i would focus on you and not his sister or their relationship. Not really relevant anymore to you and your life. Use your time with the therapist to focus on you and your own goals.

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He always told me that I was the only person he has ever really felt comfortable around and that he felt he could be himself around me. So I feel its that he couldnt be himself around her. Not the other way around. He was always awkward around family and never really had anything to say to his own parents. His family liked me and all thought that we were very well suited to each other.

 

I dont think in her time here that she said anything negative about me to him. Her and I never actually even had a conversation with one another while she was here. She knew nothing about me. All she knew was that her brother loved me deeply and that I was the longest relationship he has had and that the rest of the family approved of me; they never approved of any of the others.

 

I always knew him to be quite strong willed and he is very independent and has a "if you dont like it, you can leave" attitude... He is not at all a passive or spineless person. So I dont think his family, nor his sister in any way influenced his decision to leave me.

 

I dont think they had a sexual relationship. Just that their relationship felt romantic in a sense that she was in essence his 'girlfriend' and there was no longer any space for me.

Like I said, there is a lot more to the story than I am mentioning here.

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I guess this issue is just so important to me because I feel like it was our undoing... Having this be unresolved leaves a lot of loose ends for me. I feel I need closure and he never really gave it. I dont know. Part of me blames his sister but I know that he and I both had a hand in destroying our relationship. I feel like his sister being here was a huge turning point.

 

Maybe im looking for someone or something to blame. I just feel like I havent got the closure that I need from all that happened and the way in which our relationship broke apart so quickly.

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I think it would help to give more concrete examples of the things you think are inappropriate or sexual in nature. Most people are going to assume you're overreacting if you only provide vague opinions about how you feel excluded from their relationship. I know it must be tough when you're going through a hard time already, so it's really important to frame your questions in a way that encourages people to take you seriously and get the kind of responses you are looking for. If you really believe something was up, I'm sure you can examine and recall their interactions more closely and come up with something.

 

Otherwise it really limits what kind of advice we can give on here. Trust your instincts though...clearly there is a good reason why you're no longer with your ex.

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I'm sorry you're hurting. Its sad you didn't get the closure you wanted but you'll move on one day irrespective of whether he gave that to you or not. Look unless you walked in on them kissing or something I still don't see why you'd think there relationship could be of the romantic variety. I have a very different relationship with my siblings to that of my parents - we're bonded by our mutual experiences and the way we were collectively raised. It's a very different kind of relationship. One of my sisters is very different in nature to me and sometimes I don't understand the things she does but that doesn't mean that I don't respect or love her. I'll allow her to have an input into my life all the same - doesn't mean I'll always follow her advice but her opinion is valued by me. You don't have to be the same to value the opinions of your siblings. At the end of the day his relationship with his sister is a long standing one. She knows him better than you do irrespective of how comfortable he was with you at one time. Relationships will come and go for him but the one he has with his sister will be for life. I doubt the way he treats his sister is a new thing. I'm sure he was the same way with her before you ever entered the picture. You will move on from this...you will. I wish you the best of luck on your lifes journey.

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The story is long and complicated and I don't want to go into detail on here. I think I should see where therapy takes me.

 

Thank you all for your input. I value what you are saying. Like I said, its difficult for me to understand because I've never had a sibling. My relationship with my parents is good though. We are really close.

 

I guess I didn't know him like I thought I did. Or maybe his relationship with his sister is a part of him that kept from me. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. Maybe I couldn't deal with him being close to another woman. I don't know. I just feel so unsure about everything right now.

 

I still love him, but I'm desperate to move on from him and our failed relationship.

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HLike I said, there is a lot more to the story than I am mentioning here.

 

It's not very helpful to start a thread asking for opinions and mention later in that there are things you are leaving out.

 

From what you have posted though, it sounds like their family might be very close, but nothing that sounds inappropriate. More the sense that he is still learning to navigate romantic relationships - as you mention you are his first.

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They were not close. Even though he lived at home and paid rent they weren't part of eachothers lives. The extent of their daily interactions was "hi" and sometimes "how are you?" Or "how was your day". I think he considered my parents more of his parents.

 

Yes I do realize it is unhelpful not to give the whole story, but irrespective, it probably wouldn't help because my subjective experience cannot be fully understood by other people, nor can it be properly conveyed.

 

I was not his first romantic relationship, just the first real one where he could be himself and was accepted for the way that he was and loved unconditionally. Ours was the first relationship where he felt so strongly about another person.

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Whenever I was in a relationship that had a sour side and I knew I contributed to that, I was able to accept that the relationship was already on very shaky ground.

 

I love my sister as much as I love myself. She is level headed and I look up to her. She's a great listener, and when we spend time talking I can sense that she really hears me.

 

Then she can say a simple sentence or two, and all my confusion melts away. She nails it every time.

 

I take away that clarity and process it, then I make my own choices.

 

It could be said by any of my ex's that I changed after a conversation with my sister. It would also be true. But if any of them were to blame her for my breakup, that would speak of their own frustration or unwillingness to accept the fatal flaws in 'us' that I saw but only ignored before speaking with her.

 

My sister wants me to find love. She doesn't meddle and she doesn't sabotage. She only has the power in my life that I lend to her willingly, and she wields it wisely.

 

I hope this angle can be of some use to you. It doesn't speak for your ex, but it's a glimpse into a close sibling relationship between two women who love one another deeply.

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ts just that she changes him when they are around each other. He treats her as if he would me, only better.

 

That would bug me too. I need to come first in the way that a partner should. Partners do not automatically trump parents and siblings -- that's not what I'm saying -- but I strongly feel that your SO should treat you differently from how he interacts with his siblings/parents/friends because a romantic relationship is not the same of as any of those relationships. It has unique parameters and it would be a red flag for me to see someone I'm dating treat anyone else in his life like a girlfriend!

 

Likewise, I would be creeped out being treated like his mom. And I would insulted to be treated like just one of his friends. My point is, each of those relationships ARE DIFFERENT and when someone flips the script it becomes readily apparent.

 

Maybe im looking for someone or something to blame. I just feel like I havent got the closure that I need from all that happened and the way in which our relationship broke apart so quickly.

 

No, I understand wanting to figure out why a relationship went south. That's very human, especially if it was abrupt as this sounds..

 

However, closure comes from within. You have to make peace with yourself and accept that relationship is over. He can't give you closure. I doubt he's ready to put into words why he put the kibosh on things or explain his familial issues.

 

 

It could be said by any of my ex's that I changed after a conversation with my sister. It would also be true. But if any of them were to blame her for my breakup, that would speak of their own frustration or unwillingness to accept the fatal flaws in 'us' that I saw but only ignored before speaking with her.

 

I hear you and I agree. Regardless of what counsel you sought out, ultimately the decision to break up rests with you. Not with whomever you spoke with. Indeed, they might give you courage to face a difficult truth. This very well may be the case with the OP's ex.

 

My sister wants me to find love. She doesn't meddle and she doesn't sabotage. She only has the power in my life that I lend to her willingly, and she wields it wisely.

 

My sister is the same way! However, sadly not everyone has siblings like that. Some are sociopaths. Some are indifferent. Some are hurting and feel better about themselves when others are hurting too (i.e., misery LOVES company).

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I'm a bit confused you call their relationship 'incestuous' when there is nothing that indicates their relationship is romantic/sexual, and you yourself don't believe is either. I understand it is frustrating when you feel like he treats his sister 'better' than he treats you, but that doesn't justify using the word incest, and if I were him and knew about it I'd be deeply insulted and probably want nothing to do with you again.

 

Some siblings are very close. I'm close with my sister and if she has any concerns and thoughts regarding my relationships, I will listen & take them into consideration.

I'm also close with my little brother, I hug him a lot sometimes and if his girlfriend thought that was incest, I'd think something was wrong with her.

 

My most recent ex had an extremely tight bond with his mother. I understood that in some ways, she was more important than me. I never once complained. Actually, being close with the family is a quality I tend to find attractive in guys.

 

If he completely changed when she was around, maybe the two of you not being together is the right thing. I dont think this would change and you would never be completely happy. It probably doesn't seem like this right now but I'm absolutely certain that you will find a guy sooner or later (no rush on that though, you're still young - nothing wrong with saving the serious stuff for later!) and you will think 'Wow how did I ever think that my ex was the best guy for me. This one suits me so much better'

 

Chin up!!

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Your breakup was two months ago, and you are bound to be feeling raw and hurt about it still. However, his relationship with his sister, ex-partners, neighbours - whoever - is not your concern now. It's natural to try and make sense of a traumatic experience, and to try and attribute the cause of a breakdown to something other than ourselves, but unravelling his issues is not going to help you move on at all.

 

This guy is clearly not the one for you, and focusing on him rather than your own healing will keep you stuck. The only people who really know what the relationship is are your ex and his sister, and neither of them is part of your life now.

 

Wishing you well.

 

(((HUGS)))

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Thank you all. I hear what you are saying. I am trying my best to let this man go. It just feels like in many ways I am still tethered to him. We haven't spoken in 18 days now. I guess I just still love him a lot and maybe a small part of Me still wants him. This stuff really sucks

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