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My boyfriend would rather masterbate then have sex with me


TUowl

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Hello, I am new here.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. Last August we broke up for a few months. But then back in November we got back together and things were awesome until about early March. He changed a lot for me in order to better or relationship and make things work out. But in march our sex life began to dwindle, which I know for the most part is normal especially for relationships as long as ours. But we aren't married and neither of us have any children. I am 29, and he is 34 years old. He has been married once before, and I have never been married.

 

Anyway, the reason I am here is because I need some insight. Since our sex life has dwindled, we used to do it at least 3 times a week, and now it's barely once a week, and when we do have sex, it's too short, he cums fast, and he doesn't even take the time afterwards to try and get me to cum. He only apologizes for cumming too quickly. I told him back when we got together that I feel like I at my sexual peak. I know women have their peak later then men. But I have never met a man that doesn't want sex...ever! He has told me he feels like he is low on testosterone, and claims that the reason we were having sex a lot when we got together is because he was on a testosterone booster supplement. He is really into physical fitness and felt like through the years he messed up his testosterone levels from all the supplementation he has taken all these years. But when I talk to him about how it's been a problem that we aren't having sex anymore. His excuse is "oh, we'll, suck it up!" He says he can't afford the testosterone booster he was taking a few monks ago. But recently within the last 2 weeks I have noticed that he has been masterbating when I am not home. I will be at work. And it really upsets me because he is doing it at a time when I will be home in like 2 hours. Why won't he just wait til I get home? I get home from work at 9pm! He also claims that whenever I want to have sex, he is too tired. I don't always feel like that is the case. But I can't argue with him about it. Cuz I can't prove it. But he is making me feel like I am the one that is the problem. He says it isn't. But I don't understand how it couldn't be. I feel like leaving him. But I love him so much, I can't stand it. But everytime I notice that he has jerked off, I get so angry and can't understand why he wouldn't just want to have sex with his girlfriend who loves him and he loves too! I feel like I am just a roommate and a friend. Not someone's intimate partner. I asked him if I need to initiate the sex more. And I have done so, but he turns me down and says he is too tired all the time. It's so frustrating! What do I do? I noticed he jerked off while i was at work to ivht and i cinfronted him about it, and he admitted that he did. We argued about it tonight and he kicked me out of the apartment. This may be the end. But I don't want it to be.

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Yes, well I masterbate because he doesn't have sex with me. And he knows this, but I leave the astroglide on the stand and I can't tell when it's been moved. In fact, when I noticed today, I confronted him and he was honest and told me that he did.

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Oh! And he claims he does it cuz he is bored. But when people are bored they don't masterbate. At least I've never heard of that. People watch tv or read, etc. if they're bored. Not pick up astroglide and jerk off!i told him that him jerking off wouldn't bother me if we had a normal sex life. But because we hardly have one at all, it's an issue. That's when he became defensive and told me to leave. I told him how he makes me feel like its me, and I can't see how it isn't at this point. He once told me that he cums basically by feeling, that he doesn't watch porn or think things in his head. Is that true? Can that happen for guys...to come based off of the feeling it gives?

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Oh! And he claims he does it cuz he is bored. But when people are bored they don't masterbate. At least I've never heard of that. People watch tv or read, etc. if they're bored. Not pick up astroglide and jerk off!i told him that him jerking off wouldn't bother me if we had a normal sex life. But because we hardly have one at all, it's an issue. That's when he became defensive and told me to leave. I told him how he makes me feel like its me, and I can't see how it isn't at this point. He once told me that he cums basically by feeling, that he doesn't watch porn or think things in his head. Is that true? Can that happen for guys...to come based off of the feeling it gives?

 

Wrong. Boredom is a PERFECT reason to jerk off. Survey says number one answer. And yeah it's all about the feeling.

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Ok, if its due to boredom, can u tell me why? Like why do guys jerk off because of boredom when you can just watch tv or do some other activity? I just find it weird. I never heard of it before. I want to understand it. I'm not trying to be rude. I asked my boyfriend on why it's due to boredom and he instead just gives up!

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I don't think you can force someone to want to have sex with you through anger. If he doesn't feel like it that might be that and it's up to you whether you want to stay with him and feel frustrated and rejected. There have been men on this forum who've said they don't have a high sex drive, and it might be more 'normal' than you think. Maybe you're in the comfort zone after 5 years and after him having been married before. Maybe this is what it's going to be like from now on. Actually it wouldn't be good for his health to take supplements in order to get his sex drive back.

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Ok, if its due to boredom, can u tell me why? Like why do guys jerk off because of boredom when you can just watch tv or do some other activity? I just find it weird. I never heard of it before. I want to understand it. I'm not trying to be rude. I asked my boyfriend on why it's due to boredom and he instead just gives up!

 

Because it feels great. 1000 times better than Tv or anything else really. Better than sex in some situations.

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Oh! But when people are bored they don't masterbate. At least I've never heard of that. People watch tv or read, etc. if they're bored. ?

 

you are so very wrong! im a 21year old female and when im bored i masturbate, it kills time and its fun to do, alot more fun then reading or watching tv thats fo sure

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For whatever reason, he's only looking for physical release, not emotional closeness. Yes, that's very common, probably more so with men but for women, too. ANd the more you bug him about it and complain, the less he's going to want sex with you. I'd be willing to bet there's something else going on with his life, like job problems, maybe your relationship is bugging him, maybe another woman has caught his eye, or maybe his testosterone level did drop for some physical reason. People tend to lose the sex drive when there are problems in other areas of their lives.

 

Just remember that men are wired differently than women. Just because a man doesn't feel or behave as you do doesn't mean that it's abnormal behavior for HIM. Many times men like to just "knock one off" and then carry on with the day, while women tend to prefer romance and seduction.

 

I don't know anything about the testosterone supplements, but maybe there's kind of a withdrawal period when you stop taking them. As a medical lab tech, I know testosterone is a hormone that is regulated by the endocrine system in a "feedback loop" system. In other words, your body makes it, it registers that you have enough so it stops making it. When it registers that you need it again, it makes more, and when it registers you have enough, it stops again, and so on. It's possible that him taking the artificial suppelments screwed up the body's system enough where it hasn't kicked in to make more. Just speculating, his doctor could looking into that and advise him.

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I do not think is there any problem in his sex drive so the problem of testosterone is ruled out. The relationship may be suffering from the lack of intimacy and closeness. You must work out on those front. I think, the intimacy between both of you has faded out in due course of time for reasons best known to you and such behaviour of your boyfriend is fall out of that.Try to improve the connection and intimacy.

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I do not think is there any problem in his sex drive so the problem of testosterone is ruled out. The relationship may be suffering from the lack of intimacy and closeness. You must work out on those front. I think, the intimacy between both of you has faded out in due course of time for reasons best known to you and such behaviour of your boyfriend is fall out of that.Try to improve the connection and intimacy.

 

Ditto that. You're focusing on the sex -- astroglide, masturbation, etc. -- when the sex is just the symptom of the disease. The true problem is that you're disconnected. He's not paying attention to you, and you're feeling unadored. Which needs some fixin'. Now, it could be a physical issue -- maybe you put on weight, maybe not, maybe he's just not too into your body -- but it sounds like it's more probably a mental disconnect. He and you are just not feeling in sync.

 

He could also just be distracted. I went through a bad time with one of my exes once -- beautiful girl who I adored and cherished, but I didn't pay her much attention because I was feeling lost and stressed at work and not sure what to do with the rest of my life. She deserved me to pay her a lot more attention but I was just going through a selfish phase.

 

Focus on him for a bit, see what's going on that could be distracting him. If you think maybe it's just a phase, ride it out. But set a limit for yourself. If you aren't getting the love you need you gotta bail out at some point, as there's literally millions of guys out there who are wishing this Saturday morning that they could land themselves a nice TUowl.

 

And jesus, I think my "masturbation from just plain ol' boredeom" count has gotta by now be somewhere in the seven digits...

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Ok, if its due to boredom, can u tell me why? Like why do guys jerk off because of boredom when you can just watch tv or do some other activity?

 

Why watch tv or do some other activity if you can have an orgasm?

 

I find it weird that you find it weird.

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Dear TUowl,

 

maybe he doesn't love you as much as he does before... maybe he knows that sex is a THING to you, and he turned you down and down and down until you get frustrated and confront him (resulting an argue)... for him to have a reason to dump you... oh girl you just gave him a one of a hell excuse to do so...

 

I think you should just pretend that you really don't care about that SEX THING and let him do his thing, in that way maybe sooner or later he would be the one that's frustrated and would just talk to you and confess what he really feels... but its all in the past now... so just move on...

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Hi guys,

 

Thanks for all your insight on the matter.

 

My boyfriend and I had a talk about the whole subject on Friday. We talked about it all for almost 8 hours straight! phew! LOL.

 

Anyway, it turns out it was me. I am part of the problem. He said that my sex drive intimidates him. He felt as though we could have sex, and that I would want it again and again, that there would be no satisfaction in just me cumming once or twice, etc. I told him that sex had become a major disappointment for me whenever we did have sex in the last month or two, because I wasn't cumming at all!!! And that he was doing nothing about it. He would often come too quickly, and he would leave me hanging. I told him that I didn't care about it all the time, but when all the time started always happening, it started to bother me. And I know of couples where the guy would cum, but still pleases the girl into cumming after he did. Where he would NEVER do that for me, not in the nearly 5 years we've been together. He explained that he had no idea that I wasn't cumming. But he also said that he doesn't know any guy that continues pleasing the woman after the guy comes...and I think that is selfish and absurd. And its not like I am looking for that every time I do not cum. But once in a while, it should happen!

 

He also said that he is a man and he should be able to do whatever he wants...and that includes masterbating if he feels like it. Which I agree. However, I told him that I didn't care that he would do it, but it made me feel upset lately since our sex life was basically non existent anymore...and he would tell me it wasn't me, but obviously it was to a certain degree!

 

He also says that him having low-testosterone is a major part of it all. He says that he will buy the testosterone booster as soon as he is financially available to do so, to fix this issue.

 

He wanted to have make-up sex, but after nearly 8 hours of discussing everything, I wasn't quite up for it, because I was still upset about it all. Plus I learned that part of the problem was me after he would deny it all the time. He said he thought about it hard when I left the other night when he kicked me out. We have had sex once each day since we had the discussion. But sometimes I feel like its too much pressure. Almost like I am forcing him to do something he isn't quite ready to do? Like I want it to feel more natural? Cant quite explain it. I guess I should feel grateful that he is trying to fix the problem!

 

One thing I did forget to mention is that, he said he thought I feel bored in our sex life. And Im surprised he said that about me, because I thought that of himself. So much so, that I told him as something fun for us to do together, i told him it would be okay for him to get another woman's number and see if she is interested, etc. Like maybe build up to a fresh/naughty conversation? I told him he would have to tell me what he says to her and what she says back, and he at first said he did not want to do this, but then eventually he gave in. He talked to one of the women he works with but she doesn't work there on a daily basis. Only a few times a month. So I thought maybe this played a part in the matter, but he swears it doesn't that he only did this for me. I told him he should try to text her while we were home last night together to wish her a happy cinco de mayo, and see what she says. But he seemed disinterested. He said he would do it, but he never did. So I dont know. He is confusing. LOL!

 

But I just wanted to update you all on the matter. And thanks for all your input!

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If you're happy OP, then I guess it's progress.. It's good that you're finally hearing each other's wants and needs. However, it sounds like you two still have major communication issues to work out.

 

And I know of couples where the guy would cum, but still pleases the girl into cumming after he did. Where he would NEVER do that for me, not in the nearly 5 years we've been together. He explained that he had no idea that I wasn't cumming. But he also said that he doesn't know any guy that continues pleasing the woman after the guy comes...and I think that is selfish and absurd. And its not like I am looking for that every time I do not cum.

 

Honestly, I find it hard to believe in 5 years he had no idea that you were not orgasming when you had sex! That would make sense if he has never witnessed you having one before, but if he has then its clueless at best for him not to recognize the tell-tales signs of you getting off. At worst it's willful ignorance and selfishness on his part to only focus on his own pleasure and assume that if he was getting off then so were you!

 

As for not pleasing a girl after cumming, that is selfishness. If you care about the other person's sexual satisfaction then you want them to get off too! My bf and I don't always climax at the same time, but regardless of who came first we take care of the other person! (Take a short break; grab a drink; then onto round 2!)

 

This shouldn't be a foreign subject. If he genuinely didn't know this and wants you to have an enjoyable time in bed then his response should have been, "Oh, that makes sense" -- not hostile defensiveness. What I'm getting at is that he sounds like a link removed and those types can be selfish in other areas of the relationship too.

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But he also said that he doesn't know any guy that continues pleasing the woman after the guy comes...and I think that is selfish and absurd.

 

Yes, he's being an idiot. Any man that is good at sex, will do whatever it takes to make sure his partner is happy with their sex life.

 

...I've had kind of the opposite experience, where I would focus on getting my girlfriend off and she would fall asleep after orgasming, leaving me to take care of my own business. ( we were together for 7 years )

 

One thing you might consider if you aren't already doing this, is to incorporate toys ( i.e. dildos, vibrators, etc... ) in to your sex play. Some men are initially freaked out by toys, but they can help balance things out when a woman has a stronger sex drive than the guy.

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He changed a lot for me in order to better or relationship and make things work out. But I don't want it to be.

 

This might seem harsh...But...From what I am reading...he is NOT being himself.

"He changed"...really? You said that yourself. HHmmmmmm...

My experience is that for any relationship to work out, it must be about FREE WILL not manipulation.

 

If you only DO things because your think it will make someone else happy and your heart is not in to it...it never lasts for long I am afraid.

You have to be happy yourself and want to be happy and want them to be happy.

 

He should want to have sex with you, Desire to have sex with you. Want to please you because that makes him feel good as well.

 

There is more to this then just sex I am afraid.

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