At the beginning of our relationship, he was prince charming. We became a couple a week after meeting. He told me he loved me after 2 months. Things moved so fast, too fast, but he seemed so in love with me & I was so in love with him. We literally spent every waking moment together. We met in college, and essentially lived together beginning around the 1st month. He'd ask me to stay over at his apartment, I would, and then it became an every day/night thing, to the point I would just take a bag over to his place. He was so kind, took me out all the time, was thoughtful and remembered the little things in life. Very soon, he was telling me, "I want to spend every minute with you," "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." We were talking marriage, making plans. A future without each other was not an option.
Around 3 months in, however, I started noticing strange behavior. He would twist my words around, leaving me baffled and apologizing for something I didn't even say or do, then I would get the silent treatment.
Our first big argument centered around me wanting to know plans for Christmas break. We were both going home & lived 3 hours away. He said, "I don't know, see you in January." Someone who is seemingly head over heels in love and wants to spend every minute with you, tells you they're not making plans and will see you in 1.5 months? I got mad, left, bombed a final exam, and came out to the parking lot to find an apology card under my windshield wiper. We left for break, only for him to come get me three days later, bearing a diamond shared hearts necklace he was so excited to give me. I went home with him, and he came back to my house for a few days. On the 2nd day, out of the blue, he said "your family doesn't want me here, I should leave." When they had done absolutely nothing but be kind & welcoming. Nothing had happened! I talked him into staying to go to the movie he had promised, but he ignored me the whole way there & back, wouldn't talk to me or hold my hand at the movie. Pouted the entire night at my house (note that I didn't beg him to stay, I wanted him to leave, he said he was leaving, but never did). The next day, I wanted him to leave, but he was still at my house around lunch and asked if I wanted to go see a movie! I'm thinking, what the heck? I told him to leave. That night, he gets back home and texts me "I already miss you a whole whole lot & have to spend new years eve with the love of my life."
So fastforward to New Years Eve. He pouted the entire night because his parents questioned him about a party he was taking me to. Simply asking questions, he took it offensively, and said "no no no, we won't go." He ignored me from about 3 pm to 11 pm. My night was ruined. While he was in the shower, his dad sat me down and said, "this is who he is. He is a baby and he pouts. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?" But by 11 pm, the charm was back on. He told me, "I would spend every minute with you if I could. I would marry you right now if you'd let me."
Over the next 2 months or so (around the 3-6 month mark in our relationship), I kept feeling like something wasn't exactly right. I would try to break up with him, and he would chase after me trying to profess his love, and he would reel me back in. He had me.
In the beginning, he was VERY affectionate and physical. He started going through spells that I would LITERALLY beg him for affection. I found text messages on his phone with an ex girlfriend with whom he was not 'affectionate' in this way, talking about his new experiences with me and how he was 'bored' of them. This was a control tactic. Because we got out of this spell & he loved it as much as he ever had.
The first summer we were apart, he began withholding his time. We lived 3 hours apart, and we went a period of 5 weeks not seeing each other. Why? Because he is obssessed with softball and "couldn't come see me on the weekends because he played softball every Friday night." I went to visit him twice at the beginning of the summer and looked at it as though he should make the next move, but he never did. Softball was more important. He would wait until late at night to contact me, responding with only "oh ok" "ha" or "idk" which he knew drove me crazy, but claimed he's "just not a conversationalist." He would have every excuse as to why we could not talk on the phone, we would do so maybe once a week. He knew I was taking the distance hard, and he deliberately made it even harder on me.
He began blowing off important occassions. On our first anniversary, I made him a big breakfast, he came in from class around lunch and said "I may just go home and play softball tonight." Took a 3 hour nap leaving me wondering if I would even have an anniversary dinner. Woke up and told me last minute we would go out to eat. Birthdays - on my 22nd birthday, he asked me where I wanted to eat, claimed it was too expensive and took me somewhere cheap, we went out with our friends to a bar later. And I pulled up a chair next to him. He instructed me to take my chair back around the table away from him because he was "talking to his friend" and ignored me the whole night. My 23rd birthday, it was on a Saturday. He called me all excited the previous Monday that he was playing in a sorority softball tournament, when? ON MY BIRTHDAY. Then couldn't understand why I was upset. Called me "unappreciative and demanding." This past Christmas, we left for Christmas break and he had made no plans with me. On Christmas night, I asked if I could Skype with him, saying it would make my day. He says "anything would make your day, you are so needy." Refused to Skype. When I got upset that he had made no plans with me, wouldn't even Skype with me, and hadn't got me a gift, he flipped. I had asked for an infinity ring, because we were on the road to marriage. He texted me a picture of the ring and said, "this is under my tree for you, you ungrateful *****."
You get the point, literally any holiday or important day, he had to ruin it.
He refused to make plans with me, we never spent the weekends together. He would say "I'm just not a planner," although he could plan weeks in advance for a softball tournament. He told me that I was needy for asking to have weekend plans with him, that I should "enjoy the time he did give me."
He would belittle me. I would cook for him and clean for him. When I was in my last semester of college, very hard, he would hunt EVERY afternoon. I had things that I HAD to do, but I would still have a meal ready for him every night when he came in, despite everything I needed to do. Sometimes he would praise me, other times he would tell me the "right" way I should have cooked it. I would clean, and he would show me the "right" way to scrub the countertop, work the dryer, fold the sheets under, clean a stove, vacuum, etc.
I am a very slim person, but he would always pinch my "belly fat" between his 2 fingers & jiggle my "arm flab" and then say "just kidding," like that made everything ok. He would remark at what I was eating and tell me I would end up like my fat aunt one day. Then say just kidding.
Even in front of people, he would ridicule me. I have a Master of Accounting, and he would say "oh it's not that hard, all it is is punching numbers into a calculator." And that his degree was so much harder. I accidentally broke something at his house one time, and he said "way to go you *******," in front of his family.
Every argument we had was MY fault. I knew he wasn't treating me right, and when I would confront him about it, he would shut down. He would either say whatever & leave, or lay down on the bed and close his eyes and pretend he was asleep, while I was going hysterical. At the end, he would ALWAYS say something to the effect of, "you're so clingy, needy, and unappreciative. Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough for you. Nobody is ever going to be good enough for you. Look what you've done, you've ruined our night." By the end of the argument, he would have ME apologizing to HIM!
He was very self-absorbed. He admitted he put his own needs first. He flat out told me one time, "softball and hunting are top priority in my life, and you can just fit in wherever you can."
I don't know how many times I was asked to take pictures of his back so he could see how "swole" he was getting. Come in from the gym and say "look at this. Look how swole. Look how tight my shirt is on my arms now." Concerning a softball game, "man the team sucked. But me, I was dropping bombs. I was killing it."
The thing is --- everyone wondered why I was with him! I am a very pretty girl, intelligent, an all around great catch. Yet he thought he was so much better than me.
Well, why did I stay in something like this? Because it was a cycle. He would do something really bad that wouldn't set well with me, but then he would convince me it was my fault, project the blame on me, claiming I was too needy & unappreciative. Then after an argument, he would be absolutely wonderful -- for maybe a day. But I would think, well he still spends time with me (although I am the one that has to put forth the effort), he still tells me he loves me, he is still talking future, so he must love me right? Even though his actions are totally conflicting with his words, he says he loves me. He told me he wanted forever. He was doing just enough to keep me hanging.
5 weeks ago, he broke up with me out of the blue when I got mad that he was blowing me off for a weekend he had promised & stood up for myself. Initially, he told me that I was too needy & stressing him too much, that he couldn't take it. That didn't add up. His story eventually changed to him admitting that he is too selfish and proud to be in a relationship. Then, it morphed into him saying "you were the one once, but something in the back of my mind is telling me you're not anymore." Yet he couldn't tell me what that was, he "couldn't put his finger on it."
I have been on dates, he told me "if you date other people, maybe you'll appreciate ME more." Puh-lease. But Mr. I Don't Want to Be in a Relationship Period is dating someone new as well, or "just hanging out" in his words. He has completely cut off contact with me, and me with him. I feel like after 2.5 years of telling me he loved me and wanted a future with me, if he could just fall off of the face of the earth like this, something is wrong. Furthermore, he had it made in our relationship, why in the world would he end it?!? I know I'm a lot better off, but still having problems with having no closure. Wondering will he come back? Why did he leave?
Why am I still missing & feeling attached to someone who treated me so badly? Was I dating a narcissist?