Aaagh. What does she want from me? Female perspective needed...

Hi all,

Quick recap: My ex ended things in May 2012 (compatibility issues - amicable) I fought for her when it happened, but 2 weeks after the break-up, I went NC. I sent her a goodbye letter in July 2012, but that was it. No emails, texts, calls etc from me; I haven't spoken with and/or seen her in any capacity since June 8th.

Since that time, though, she's contacted me regularly almost every month. At first, it was trivial stuff, but in the last few months it's become more personal. As well as sending me a birthday card and dropping off a christmas present to my house (I was out), her texts/emails have a distinctly more 'feeling' tone.

Last month, she emailed me saying she missed me, and pleading with me to get in contact with her. She also sent the following two text messages:

'Thanks for sending my last few bits. My heart leapt when I saw your handwriting as I thought you were finally making contact. I'm so sad because there was no correspondence inside, not even a post it note. I miss you. Please speak to me one day. I refuse to let you just drift away like you never existed. I'm sorry, I just can't, you mean too much to me. Big hugs xxx'

A few hours after that, she texted me again:

'Couldn't you just email to let me know you're okay and what you're doing in life? I don't have to reply if you don't want me to. I understand if you don't want to see me. Would letting me know how you are kill you How's your mum and sister? Please, I worry about you xx'

I recently blocked her on Facebook as she was popping up on my feed (via mutual friends), and I didn't enjoy seeing that stuff (i.e. removed from from my friends list the day we broke up). Well, last night, she texted me this:

'See you've blocked me on Facebook I loved seeing your lovely face and what you are up to. Sad you don't feel the same way about me. Here for you as always, sweetheart xxx'

If she knows I blocked her, then it means she's been searching for my profile. SHE ended it with me, yet almost a year later, she's sending messages like the above. Seriously, what does she want from me? Does she seriously expect me to chase her after she dumped me? Why is she surprised that I'm not contacting her? Surely she knows that I'm trying to move on and having contact with her would be a set-back?

It would be great to get some female perspectives on this: does she regret her decision? Is she just stringing me along? Does she seek emotional validation? Does she, in some way, want me back, and if so, does she want me to make the first move to avoid the possibility of rejection? Should I continue with NC, or call her bluff? Why do women do this if they dumped someone...?

I have nothing but positive feelings for her, and I hate to think of her feeling bad over this, but I just can't bring myself to contact her, and I don't think I'll ever be able to, mainly because I still have feelings for her, and she was a great love in my life, and I'm devastated to lose her. I want to contact her, of course. She was also my best friend, and words can't describe how much I miss her every day, but if we're not going to be together, I can't be friends for obvious reasons. Surely she gets this?

I know you asked for some female perspective, but I just have to weigh in, if I may. You're assuming that she's going to assume a great many things. I'm willing to bet she's on a different wavelength than you. If you never told her why you severed contact with her, she's likely drawn incorrect conclusions and has built on them all this time.

From the sounds of it, no, she has no idea why you've vanished, blocked her, etc. The reasoning is lost on her. I guess it's up to you if you're okay with that.

I have no idea why people do this hot and cold thing- girls are probably the worst for it, but guys do it too. It kinda sounds like she is testing the waters in a not so subtle way. You guys ended amicably, which is great, but exs are exs for a reason? My ex ended things with me about 3 months ago, he literally gave me no reason after almost a year of being together, and as much as I loved him, if he was to contact me tomorrow and ask me to come back, or even make contact with me period, I probably wouldnt have a bar of him. We shared similar feelings for each other, as you and your ex gf share, so I know how you mean. It comes down to trust; for whatever reason you guys broke up, if you were to fix things and (hypothetically) get back together, could you ever truly trust her again? Is she going to leg it again when things get hard? Has she changed since you guys broke up? A lot can happen in a year, and people change. I feel like you are doing the right thing by maintaining no contact. The only way you are going to get answers from her is by opening the lines of communication again, and that could complicate things even further. And I agree with Tom on his point about making assumptions too.. Maybe send her a final letter, outlining your side of the story, your feelings and where you are now with everything. Be brutally honest about it. And dont feel like you "have" to give it another go "for old times sake"; as I said, exs are exs for a reason, and while she may have ended things with you, she obviously had a reason for doing so. You dont have to be held hostage emotionally by her, waiting for her to change her mind again, you fought for her, she didnt care, and if I was in your situation, I would see her trying now as too litte, too late- like shes spent a year trying to find something "more" and hasnt, but knows you still care for her and wants to come back to you because its a sure thing? Its not good enough, and doesnt say much about her level of respect or care she has for you as a person, friend, boyfriend or otherwise. Hope I havent confused you more!

it is clear what she want from you, and she is going for it.

the questions is what do you want, do you want this girl in your life again, do you feel you guys after this time, you can rekindle and make things work, or are you happy, content with where your life is at now. do you want to keep going like that, probably try a relationship with a different woman.

for the first, you need to open the communication line, explain your self, draw lines, no more dump me and come back after you find out the grace is not green in the other side, be honest about what you want.

for the second, either keep doing what you are doing, or send her a final letters tell her you would appreciate if she never contact you any more.

Hey all,

Thanks for your responses. Of course, I welcome all POVs

Just to clarify: I sent her a goodbye letter last July, and in it I explained that I couldn't be in contact with her, so it's not like I just went NC without telling her. I'm tempted to ask her what she really wants, but that would be 11 months of NC down the lan. If she wanymted us back together, she'd say so, right? Or does she fear rejection, so goes about it in a indirect manner?

she can`t just show up and say hey, lets get back together, she want to know if you are still available, if you still want her, but she is sending you signals, and you are probably not reading them very well, just like i said, its up to you now, there is two choices, make one.

To be completely honest, I think shes tried to see if the grass is greener, found out it wasnt as good as what she had with you and just thinks because she has changed her mind, you will change yours, take her back and live happily ever after. I would send her one more letter, telling her how you feel- if you dont want to hear from her again, tell her this is it, no more contact and this is why. If you dont want anything to do with her, keep her blocked on facebook, delete her number and change yours so she cant contact you that way and ignore any other attempts by her to contact you. I think she is testing you; who knows why she is doing it or what she wants, but shes trying to see if yo stick to your no contact. Keep the letter unemotional, dont ask about her family or tell her about yours, speak of your relationship in a clinical way and try to be unemotional, like I said, if you dont want her back, tell her that, and tell her what you want. The ball is in your court, but I think you should send her the letter and maintain the no contact.

not a female but....

be wary of responding to her. This can just be a case of wanting what you can't have. You're not showing any interest in talking to her, and this is spiking her "desire" for you. The moment you give her the attention she seeks, she could go ice cold, leaving you feeling stupid and betrayed, not to mention setting you back a few steps in the healing process. Not saying this is definitely how it will play out, but just be aware that people do play these types of games. Sadly.

Male POV

If she ended things and wanted to get back, she should make better attempt in doing so. Let us say the roles were reversed and you left her; only to find out that the grass isn't greener, would you make it very obvious that you wanted to reconcile?

It seems like she cares about a friendship and check in on you. The question is what do you want to do? Are you healed? Do you want to reconcile? Are you okay with being just friends? Ask yourself important questions and if you decide to return contact, go in with no expectations in case she is throwing breadcrumbs.

it is clear what she want from you, and she is going for it.

the questions is what do you want, do you want this girl in your life again, do you feel you guys after this time, you can rekindle and make things work, or are you happy, content with where your life is at now. do you want to keep going like that, probably try a relationship with a different woman.

for the first, you need to open the communication line, explain your self, draw lines, no more dump me and come back after you find out the grace is not green in the other side, be honest about what you want.

for the second, either keep doing what you are doing, or send her a final letters tell her you would appreciate if she never contact you any more.

she can`t just show up and say hey, lets get back together, she want to know if you are still available, if you still want her, but she is sending you signals, and you are probably not reading them very well, just like i said, its up to you now, there is two choices, make one.

I am with wolflovesmoon on this... And you will never know if you completely block her and not talk to her... If you open the communication and don't like what you hear you can always return to your things without her... Don't be afraid of ''what might be''... Better to know then make a decision on what you want. Its been 11 month already, you don't have to commit to anything anymore, you are free.

not a female but....

 

be wary of responding to her. This can just be a case of wanting what you can't have. You're not showing any interest in talking to her, and this is spiking her "desire" for you. The moment you give her the attention she seeks, she could go ice cold, leaving you feeling stupid and betrayed, not to mention setting you back a few steps in the healing process. Not saying this is definitely how it will play out, but just be aware that people do play these types of games. Sadly.

I think you're spot on. This is one of the reasons why I haven't contacted her for so long. People want what they can't have, and if I contact her, that will probably fulfill some need for her, and she'll possibly just disappear again.

Male POV

 

If she ended things and wanted to get back, she should make better attempt in doing so. Let us say the roles were reversed and you left her; only to find out that the grass isn't greener, would you make it very obvious that you wanted to reconcile?

 

It seems like she cares about a friendship and check in on you. The question is what do you want to do? Are you healed? Do you want to reconcile? Are you okay with being just friends? Ask yourself important questions and if you decide to return contact, go in with no expectations in case she is throwing breadcrumbs.

I still love her, and yes, I'd be open to reconciling. I'm doing okay, but I think about her constantly, and considering the contacts me regularly, I don't really get the chance to forget her. Definitely not okay with being friends, and I told her that in my goodbye letter.

I am with wolflovesmoon on this... And you will never know if you completely block her and not talk to her... If you open the communication and don't like what you hear you can always return to your things without her... Don't be afraid of ''what might be''... Better to know then make a decision on what you want. Its been 11 month already, you don't have to commit to anything anymore, you are free.

Good points. I'm really considering contacting her just to ask what she wants from me. If I did, I wouldn't refer to our relationship, or anything personal, or give compliments etc - I'd just ask why she keeps contacting me and reiterate that I can't be friends with her if we're not together. She's an intelligent woman - I just don't get why she seemingly doesn't understand why I'm not in contact with her. She dumped me! Surely she knows that no contact = trying to move on, and it's nothing personal?