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I dont want my gf to go out clubbing....


willdation

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Right now I am in a long distance relationship and my gf is planning on going out with her single gf to a club together both Friday and Saturday...

 

The last time I was with both of them in a club on New Years, her friend went off and grinded with multiple guys that night and when I left to buy a drink and come back, my gf was dancing really close with a random guy she just met...This went on for 15 minutes while I sat and waited at a table on my own trying to keep my cool and not get jealous..

 

Well, after her arm was I think on him, I told her I was leaving to go outside. She then was crying, told me she drank too much and would never do it again (but once she drinks a lot again, how do I know?) And she did this knowing i was right there...Now I am a 12 hour flight away...

 

The thought of this happening all over again is really stressing me out.....Also, she will be staying with this girl at her place, the one who likes to pick up tons of guys..It seems like a recipe for disaster...

 

I already talked with her about my feelings, but she is going anyway. What would you do? I just have a feeling she is going to try and enjoy a single life while I am away....

 

She will then by staying in this city for several weeks in a hotel room by herself...

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If she was really planning on hooking up with other guys, she probably wouldn't have told you she was going out.

 

Why not ask her to call/text/email you when she gets back from the club, to tell you how her evening went. That will set your mind at rest.

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I don't see the problem with her going clubbing. If she apologised for what happened last time and said it won't happen you need to trust her. I would hate to be told I couldn't go clubbing by my boyfriend. I want to be trusted.

 

You'll come accross as quite controlling if you tell her you don't want her to go. Plus she told you she was going.

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You have two options really. Since you have chosen a long distance relationship with her.

Trust her and let the cards fall where they may.

Don't trust her, and torture your poor self all the while. No real impact on her behavior as a result, though. If she is going to do it, she's going to do it.

 

I would feel uncomfortable with this situation as well, given her past behavior, and I think it's reasonable that you brought it up. I think she is in a way enjoying the single life and maybe you should talk to her (later, not specifically on this) about what she actually expects within a relationship.

 

What is the nature of your relationship? Committed to each other? Going to be moving to the same local fairly soon? Or the tail off of an adventure? I think that needs to be considered too.

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I've been is this situation before man and it's definitely not easy. I was barely twenty at the time though, and not 31, so it makes me wonder if this woman is a bit too old to be acting like a teenager in the club, or whether you're just dating someone a lot younger than you.

 

Either way, what I learned from my experience was to not accept such behaviour and to ditch any woman that acts like that. If a woman I'm dating wants to dance close with random strangers AND ignores the fact that it is hurting our relationship, then she should be single and free to do what she wants - not in a relationship with me.

 

That may sound harsh but I've learned that these situations mainly can't be resolved to both people's satisfaction. Anyone that feels the need for physical closeness with another person outside of their relationship, even if it's just dancing, often has issues with commitment at that stage in their life and will just cause you problems.

 

Going clubbing is one thing. Close dancing with other guys is another. There's no need to be controlling with this woman. You can either accept how she acts or ditch her and move on. I'd opt for the second option. If she's not smart and respectful enough to realise that dancing up on other guys in front you is not cool, then she's not ready for a relationship.

 

Women often use the "you should trust me" line but when the shoe's on the other foot, the situation is very different. "You should trust me, even when I grind with other guys in the club" really just means "I want the freedom of a single life, with the benefits of a relationship with you, and I'm going to shift any responsibility I have for my behaviour onto you by claiming you're the one with the problem".

 

Go clubbing and dancing with a group of women in front of your girl and see how cool she acts. At 31, you deserve more adult behaviour from your GF. Good luck.

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Yea, you are completely right. I also get the "you should trust me" response, but I was given a complete reason not to. She is 26 and even a district manager so she acts really mature. However, just a couple shots later she was totally different. Of course, she said she will never do this again (what else would she say, really?). It seems like a logical response, but not all people think logically in the moment when emotions and hormones get in the way...

 

Basically, the last few relationships I had were with a girl that did something similar, told me to trust her completely, and I go fooled in the end, so I dont buy that anymore...

 

Last week she went to a work party and was out dancing again. She told me she danced with her gf's boyfriend (thats I guess fine, since they know eachother), but when I asked her about his "guy friend" that accompanied my gf and her friend, she sounded a little guilty.

 

It could be me though. Also, to top it off, she got a ride home by some guy and was too tired to even call me and say good night when I asked...I just got a "too tired to talk, going to sleep"

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Also, to top it off, she got a ride home by some guy and was too tired to even call me and say good night when I asked...I just got a "too tired to talk, going to sleep"

 

Sorry to say it, man, but that's pretty bad. In my experience, when a woman goes clubbing and then says she's too tired to talk, it usually means she's hooked up and can't talk right now. Especially if you already know for sure that she got a ride back with some random guy. I can only say that because when I was younger I was often the a-hole guy sitting there quietly while the girl I was with told her BF she was too tired to talk.

 

I've been on both sides and have hurt people and got hurt bad myself and it made me grow up and learn to treat people better and to expect only good treatment in return. It sounds like you need to raise the bar yourself man and make better choices. And I wouldn't even make myself look weak by telling her it was making me insecure and that's why I was dumping her. I'd just ditch her and let her figure it out.

 

Harsh? Maybe. But it's not like she didn't bring it on herself. An amazing partner deserves amazing treatment. A partner that treats you like Plan B doesn't deserve anything but the same level of treatment and respect they give to you.

 

Again, good luck!

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I think as we get past our twenties, into our thirties, we get a real inkling of what people mean when they say "actions speak louder than words". You have enough experience with the dissonance to know to trust actions. It is SO easy to say things. right. It is a whole other ballpark when you look only at what a person does, and how they express their commitment (or lack of it, shades of it that are maybe half way there, but not quite right).

 

I think you have to trust yourself on this one.

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Yea, maybe I should. Also, with the "too tired to talk" text message from her, she did stay at her moms apartment that weekend and said she did not want to wake up her mom because it is a small place...So, I dont know..

 

Sure. But it's very easy to rewrite a situation to make it seem 'okay', even when your gut's telling you something's not right. I'm not saying she is cheating. What do I know? I'm just saying that there are a lot of red flags here.

 

I'd be done with her TBH. But at the very least, I'd pull back and let her worry and chase you for a while. If she really does love and want you, then she needs a wake-up call that she could lose you if she doesn't act right. It runs the risk of pushing her into another guy's arms out of insecurity, but that's a ball that's likely in play already anyway. Stop chasing and see if she runs after you. If she does, build on that. If she doesn't, you've got your answer.

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I agree with all city's advice here. He hit the nail on the head.

 

Please don't let any women convince you into thinking your being "controlling" by asking her not dry hump other people.

 

Instead of demanding trust, she needs to show that she can be trusted. That means not going out, getting wasted, and then dry humping other people.

 

Honestly I would move on. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that, and definitely not a LDR. She sounds ripe for an affair. Typical low - hanging fruit if you ask me.

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Being a former clubber myself... (and I would continue to do it if there were clubs nearby)

 

The last time I was with both of them in a club on New Years, her friend went off and grinded with multiple guys that night and when I left to buy a drink and come back, my gf was dancing really close with a random guy she just met...This went on for 15 minutes while I sat and waited at a table on my own trying to keep my cool and not get jealous..

I see two things going on here:

1. You went to go buy a drink... did you anticipate dancing at all... or were you just there to chill and drink all night (I ask this because my fiance does not like dancing at clubs)? Because if you had no plans of dancing... what do you expect her to do?

2. She should of declined the invitation of having a guy dance with her if she brought her boyfriend to the club (nobody dances alone at the club). That was a disrespectful move on her part.

 

She is 26 and even a district manager so she acts really mature. However, just a couple shots later she was totally different. Of course, she said she will never do this again (what else would she say, really?).

Alcohol alone impacts judgement and decision making no matter where your morals lie. I wouldn't throw these facts at her.

 

but out of curiosity OP... are you implying that anyone who goes to clubs are losers? I'm a teacher, my friends I clubbed with were federal government workers, military, law firm reps... and get this... my best friend AND fiance are hospital nurses... all of us having high end professions, nice cars, homes, and we club. She's out having a good time and letting loose at an adult environment. She is 26 years old and should be out having fun at a club. Chill out OP.

 

But honestly, she was not cheating on you and wasn't consciously watching what she was doing. Since you are in an LDR, you can't afford to let this insecurity escalate without a full good reason or she can say you're being controlling and to hell with the relationship.

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Please don't let any women convince you into thinking your being "controlling" by asking her not dry hump other people.

 

Surely nobody could disagree with that - but is it controlling to ask her not to go out, full stop? And is there even any point in asking her that, given that she could so easily do it without telling him?

 

The other side of which, of course, is that...

 

Instead of demanding trust, she needs to show that she can be trusted.

 

...this is a catch-22 for both of them. She has no way to prove that she can be trusted, he has no way to be satisfied that she is trustworthy.

 

OP, I guess the bottom line therefore is: what would set your mind at rest? Would anything set your mind at rest, indeed? Or are you going to have these suspicions whatever she says and does?

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I just caught this:

 

Last week she went to a work party and was out dancing again. She told me she danced with her gf's boyfriend (thats I guess fine, since they know eachother), but when I asked her about his "guy friend" that accompanied my gf and her friend, she sounded a little guilty.

 

It could be me though. Also, to top it off, she got a ride home by some guy and was too tired to even call me and say good night when I asked...I just got a "too tired to talk, going to sleep"

She got a ride home from a guy friend who could of been the designated driver of the group she was with. Would you rather her drive home drunk and kill herself or someone else? I lost a friend to drunk driving by the way.

 

She probably "sounded guilty" because you're cornering her with your insecurity.

 

People who club stay out late. I would be out 4-5 am when I went clubbing and be dead tired. The last thing that would NOT be on my mind is to call a boyfriend at 4 in the morning who will shoot accusations and fight with me about going out with guy friends really.

 

You don't know the full story here to outright accuse her of cheating. Don't let your insecurity escalate and keep control.

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Honestly, I think she could show her trustworthiness by not drinking when she goes out.

 

Seriously, if alcohol makes an otherwise rational person turn into an immature person who dry humps strangers...then that person shouldn't be drinking and putting themselves into a bad situation!

 

I just don't buy her tears "Oh I'll never do it again!" even though she does drink a lot and it does affect her in this way. If she were really sorry and really cared about him, she wouldn't drink and put herself into a bad situation.

 

I"m not saying NO ONE in a relationship should drink in public. I do it and I am fine because I only drink a little and alcohol doesn't make me do inappropriate things. Some people can't handle themselves. And thus, they should have the sense not to do it.

 

If your girlfriend turns into a different person on alcohol, does inappropriate things while on it, and doesn't respect you enough to look at her actions and say "Wow, I need to stop" then it's time to move on.

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Honestly, I think she could show her trustworthiness by not drinking when she goes out.

That's very, very hard to do at a club when everyone has a drink in their hand. The club business thrives off of their alcohol sales.

 

Also... depending on what she gets to drink... she should stick with something lighter like a beer and not go for hard cocktail drinks. Club bartenders like to make their "own" version of whatever cocktail you order by mixing in a lot of top self liquor and gets you messed up. Happened to me twice at two different clubs, that I learned to stay away from cocktails or it equals massive hangover.

 

Other than that, I agree with you Fudgie.

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I still think she could get a coke in her hand and people would just assume it's a rum and coke. Not a club is going to kick her out for not drinking alcohol and if it's in your typical plastic cup, no one is going to be the wiser.

 

I think it would be considered controlling to day she can't go out nut if alcohol really makes her act that poorly, I think she should make the choice to avoid it in public. Some people go nuts after just 1-2.

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Unless you're planning on being the group designated driver, who goes to an adult club drinking just soda that costs more than 3 bucks? Depending on the specials, I can get beer cheaper (or if I know the bartender well... beer is FREE). Loud music, bars, people dancing crazy and everyone with a drink in their hand encourages a lot of people to drink. No one in a club truly cares how a person acts since almost everyone else is acting the fool, as long as you aren't physically fighting or harassing another patron. That's what the club environment generally is... a place to let loose with friends and a drink.

 

If she wants to feel "part" of the crowd, she should limit how much she drinks or what she drinks. But the larger issue is about her dancing with other guys and how it affects the OP's trust about her going back to the club again. As long as she isn't taking numbers from the guys or bringing them home, or letting them grab her ass, then it's just dancing and he's not being reasonable.

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I've been to clubs and not had a drink, in fact I do that quite a lot when I go out.. I go to spend time with my friends, and I am young 22 - and I enjoy having a drink getting tipsy etc. But I also enjoy being able to actually enjoy the atmosphere (but then I go to clubs which are aimed at the metal/alternative crowd).

if you cant go out and not have a few drinks then theres something wrong. Also dancing against people is not acceptable when in a relationship, as it gives the guys an idea that they can get with the girl etc.

 

However nothing you do OP is going to change the fact she is going out, so you need to decide if you can accept her going out twice a week for the duration you are away. I wouldn't be able to if my SO was into rubbing up close with another person. Thats fully disrespectful.

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So to sum up Snny, you're saying that it's too difficult not to drink in a club just because everyone else is drinking? That since everyone else is getting wasted and acting the fool, that she should follow the herd and do the same? That the fact she does regrettable things when she's drunk that could destroy her relationship isn't a good enough reason to stop drinking? And that her dancing with other men when it clearly bothers the man she 'loves' isn't a problem?

 

Excuse the sarcasm, but that's some pretty great advice you're handing out there. Everything you said is basically saying that this grown woman has no responsibility for her own actions or the results of them. While at the same time saying that the OP should have responsibility for his actions and emotions. That's some seriously impressive buck-passing you've got going on there.

 

And lets be honest, lots of women solely stick to dancing with their girlfriends at a club and still have a great time. Dancing with a stranger of the opposite sex is nearly always about enjoying the sexual chemistry of it, even if you have no intention of cheating.

 

Don't be under any illusion that men are mostly at clubs to enjoy the beauty of the dance. 95% of guys at a club are trying to hook up and that increases to 99% or 100% of guys when they're the ones trying to push up on a woman on the dancefloor. Be honest, if an ugly dude danced up on the OP's girlfriend, do you think she'd dance with him or move away?

 

What does that tell you about her motives and her ability to control her actions when it suits her? The issue here is that she's able to control her actions when she benefits from it, but apparently not when it might help her relationship to survive by helping the man she 'loves' to feel a bit more loved?

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She could say she's DD and get free soda. I'm usually DD but even when I'm not and I'm just choosing not drink, I'll say "DD" and get free soda. Even sprite can look like a tonic and gin to any bystander. It's not a big deal.

 

I would personally not be comfortable with my SO dancing close with other girls nut that is me. I think it's okay to be okay with it but I don't think it's fair to think that someone is controlling or insecure to not be okay with it.

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