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Thread: My wife wants to experiment with another woman

  1. #1

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    Unhappy My wife wants to experiment with another woman

    So my wife dropped a bombshell on me last night. She said is having lesbian desires and would like to have a sexual encounter with a female in order to satisfy this desire. We talked calmly for a couple hours and I said that I would have to think about it as there is so much stuff that I want to think about with the situation. We have been married for 6 years and together for 9. We have 2 children, aged 9 and 4, which complicates things furthur.

    She says that she would want to have an encounter without me there the first time at least. She also said that we could even potentially have a threesome, but I wouldn't be allowed to kiss them. I was just dumbfounded at this point and didn't know how to respond. I don't want anything to do with another woman. I am perfectly satisfied with my wife and my life. I know that all men have a fantasy of having a threesome with their wife and another woman and I did get briefly excited at the prospect of this, but I started thinking about all the problems that could come afterwards with something like that. It also seemed that she was using that prospect to try and convince me that it could be a good idea if I let her do it.

    She also informed me that the woman she has been obsessing over is a co-worker and about 50 years old. My wife is 30 and I am 31. She insists that nothing has happened and it has been tough for her because she has repressed these desires for much of he life, which I had no idea about. She told me about one time when she was an early teen where a friend and her "grinded" together but it was awkward and they stopped doing it. She also had a really early experience where she kissed a girl, but that was before she was 10.

    I've been up all night stressed out about it not sleeping, just thinking about all the different scenarios and what the consequences would be. Would she be satisfied with a single encounter, or would it be ongoing? Would I be alright with this after the fact? Would she want to do it more often? Would I eventually make it to the back of her intimacy chart, behind the other woman? What would we tell the kids, if anything? Is this the slippery slope towards divorce?

    After being up all night, I told her that I wasn't ok with it. I considered it cheating and I had a kind of emotional breakdown telling her that this isn't my idea of marriage and I couldn't live with the consequences afterwards.

    She says that she is just going to forget about it and that we will just continue as normal. I said that we had to maybe go and see a sex therapist together or some sort of marriage counseling in order to talk through her desires, her issues, and my issues with the situation. We are no strangers to marriage counseling, as we went through a bunch of sessions about 1 1/2 years ago and they were very successful in saving our marriage at the time. She wanted to leave at that point but I somehow convinced her through counseling and deep meaningful conversation that were right for each other. We have since went to individual counseling as well just to talk through our own issues. Those were very successful as well. Sometimes you just need to talk to an outside party in order to gain some perspective on the situation. I do worry now that she will resent me for saying no, but the more I think about it, the more I think it was the best decision. Infidelity is something you cannot reverse, so I think this needs to be properly thought out and talked through. Who knows? Maybe I will come to the realization that it is not as life-shattering as I think it will be, but at this point I am being very cautious...

    Is my marriage destined to fail? What am I supposed to do? I am seriously considering divorce, but I love her beyond words and my family is my number one priority in life. ARRRG! Why does marriage have to be such a struggle sometimes?

  2. #2

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    I'd just leave her. She clearly has several issues and is just using you as a safety net to provide some stability in her life. I'd pull that rug right out from under her and let her fend for herself. She already wanted to leave you in the past, now she asks you to cheat - and all this after going to counseling. I just don't see her getting any better. After both these incidents, how could you ever feel secure or comfortable in your marriage? She's going to have to lose it all to realize she needs to get to the bottom of her issues. People in their 30's don't experiment - they cheat.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    I would recommend to have peaceful divorce for the kids and let her be what it seems always was and that is Lesbian.
    The Roots of Violence:

    Wealth without work,
    Pleasure without conscience.
    Knowledge without character.
    Commerce without morality.
    Science without humanity.
    Worship without sacrifice.
    Politics without principles.

    -Mahatma Gandhi

  4. #4
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    Yuck, how nasty for you. I agree that she basically wants to cheat on you, and now, despite saying to forget about it, you will be wondering if she will cheat with this woman - no foundation for a marriage.

    And, yet you are trapped because the chances are that if you were to divorce she will end up with the kids and house etc.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Edmund Exley's Avatar
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    It seems to me that you already have a pretty clear understanding of the issue at hand and all the possible fallout. Obviously no one can predict if your marriage is destined to fail, and I do not agree that you should just leave her.

  7. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by DN View Post
    Yuck, how nasty for you. I agree that she basically wants to cheat on you, and now, despite saying to forget about it, you will be wondering if she will cheat with this woman - no foundation for a marriage.

    And, yet you are trapped because the chances are that if you were to divorce she will end up with the kids and house etc.
    Why would she get any more than shared custody of the kids and half the house?

  8. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by pl3asehelp View Post
    Why would she get any more than shared custody of the kids and half the house?
    Because few places have enacted laws requiring that, and even when they have, many judges still find reasons to circumvent.

  9. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by DN View Post
    Because few places have enacted laws requiring that.
    I don't know of anywhere in the US where if you get a competent lawyer you can't get this.

  10. #9
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    Why do so many people always assume that everyone on this forum lives in the US?

    In any event, I am not going to argue the point - the OP will find enough difficulties whether he decides to stay in the marriage or divorce.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    I agree with DN. Laws always seem to favor the mother more.
    The Roots of Violence:

    Wealth without work,
    Pleasure without conscience.
    Knowledge without character.
    Commerce without morality.
    Science without humanity.
    Worship without sacrifice.
    Politics without principles.

    -Mahatma Gandhi

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