Breaking up with a best friend

Hi everyone!

I really need some help clearing my head and try to get some direction to proceed in. I have been friends with this guy since 2011. We were friends for a while and then became self declared 'best friends' and then a couple. We got into a relationship in March of 2012 and it was really great, to say the least. The biggest red flag was that he never wanted to get married, but I was happy and didn't care. He took me to meet his family over thanksgiving and it went so well that we extended our stay. After we got back, he broke up with me citing things like ' I want to do other things with my life', ' my future plans are up in the air' and it was done. I agreed to it, completely heartbroken on where all this came from. Bad ideas come to mind, like another woman or another man (who knows!)

He does struggle with depression (trying to treat it without meds), and the timing of this was really the worst. The holidays, plus changing my airline tickets (because we were supposed to spend new years together) made me a hot mess.

I am generally a happy person so I didn't enjoy all my anger and I am learning to let go of everything that happened. I miss my ex like crazy but the confusing thing is I miss our friendship so much that it sometimes overshadows the fact that I got unfairly dumped in a seemingly healthy relationship. Some days I feel I am happy enough to try to approach him to be friends again, just because we had that at one point.

For the past month I have focused on myself. Traveled, made new goals and have an excellent support group. But being extroverted and generally putting others ahead of myself, I feel incomplete until both of us come to peace with this relationship and where it stands.

Now for the complicated parts. I was so upset that I told him I never wanted to talk to him or see him again. Slight problem. We commute to and work at the same place, so I see him everyday. Since the breakup (a month ago), I managed NC (except for seeing him around) for about two weeks broken by sending him a happy holidays message, to which he never responded. It's been about three weeks since that note and I have not spoken to him. I wish to everyday, but I haven't. He has tried really hard to stay out of my space as much as possible, but I feel terrible about this inconvenience to both of us.

I feel like I want to take action to change things to something more healthy and positive between us (I am a bit of a hippie in that sense) but I don't want to do anything that could make the situation worse. Any advice?

I think at the moment he probably needs space, and you're right anything's possibile, someone else could be involved, but you can't really do anything about that. You've tried to approach him on a friendly level once (birthday message) waita nother couple of weeks then try again. Maybe a how are you doing... what you been up to? Just keep it very light and DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR BREAKUP.

Well, sometimes i think its better to be like scarlet ohara from gone with the wind......she was crazy but she won at the end. Nevertheless world has changed, and we are aware or adviced to keep No Contact ect. Well, we must stick to it. Your situations is horrible in feelings because you (may it be for a moment) lost both, friend, lover, and a person that works with you that kept differentvattitude from today....so its tripple bad. Keep strong and ypur happy persona. Nc. For sure.....and wait.

Ok, I shall wait. I have actually readjusted my schedule so that I wouldn't have to see him at work at all for the next couple of weeks. I am hoping this will allow me to move on faster and give him the space he needs.

Yes, I shall not discuss the breakup with him. I have decided that we are never getting back together, because my trust in him is gone. Bolting off one day randomly from an healthy relationship is hardly forgivable (I've been in enough crappy ones to realize that fact). However, I feel it necessary to forgive him, otherwise it's not healthy for me! I am already proud about the fact that I didn't try stopping him and told him to figure out his plans. I shall keep working on myself and try sending him a text in a few weeks. At the end of the day, I just miss my friend and sometimes wish we had never dated. What a strange healing process this has been!

Oh, and thank you for your replies! I appreciate a non-partial point of view

ugh I buckled. It's been over a month since the breakup now. I just HAD to send a hello today. I was getting obsessed with the idea so I did it. Anyway, he responded. But I think that's enough for today. I have to curb my enthusiasm and not over analyze his response. Any suggestions?

Oh no....what was the reply and what did you sent???

Well, i read this article which i wanted to share with him, so i sent him a link to that. I had been in bad health the last couple of months of the relationship (aneamic, vitamin deficiency etc) which he was really helpful through, so i told him everything was resolved on that end. He responded with a 'nice article, glad to hear you're doing great, i am also doing good And that was it. I think i will wait a few more weeks before i say anything else.... I am just releived that we had a civil exchange.

ok, so tried contacting him again, and he's been very responsive. Contacted him once every 3-4 days just giving him recommendations for movies/ places to hang, without actually asking him to meet me or mentioning our relationship at all. He responded every time- until today. So I guess back to backing off again. I am starting to question with all this work involved, I even want to be friends at this point! I think I have to accept that this relationship/ friendship is completely over.

Just to keep updating the forum, so that it does help people at some point (Even if it's just so they don't feel alone), my ex and I have become friends. Things are not like they were, we only hang out in the presence of coworkers and don't discuss our personal lives at all (upon my request). I guess this is as good as I wanted it after seven months. Even his baby sister is back in my life (who I love) so I am grateful for that. I joined online dating and am currently dating a guy even though I don't think we are going to end up together long-term- missing some chemistry. So, have I given up on my ex and decided to move on? Yes, absolutely. Am I over him and my relationship with him? Absolutely not. It is the first time in my life that I have had these two situations co-exist (and they can, as it turns out), but I am managing for now. I keep telling myself that things were hopeless in the partner department until he came along and made me forget every man from my past, no reason why it won't happen again. It's just taking so long!

i know exactly how you feel. I've several threads up right now venting about the same thing. last she said was "i just need time to get over it"... so im giving her space. ALL the space she needs. It's not that i don't care about her anymore, but rather, i love myself more and that I'm not going to sit around and wait for her to get over our past.

I miss her as a friend but i've more self respect than sitting around waiting for her to be ok with things. just have to take it day by day.

An update for all, a year and a half later! (Time flies).

I am officially over this guy, and he is no longer my best friend and doesn't need to be. He has always been patient through my recovery, but it is during this recovery that I got to see him the way he really was, and that was a blessing in some ways because I realized how incompatible we were, even as friends!

I also met a wonderful man ( we broke up last week, starting a new post on that that made me realize that i can love again. This was important to get me out of the friendzone i had insisted on with my ex..