I need to stop pushing my boyfriend away..help

I am a freshman in college and have recently met and started dating this boy..he is seriously the best boyfriend I have ever had. He is super sweet and supportive..I feel very safe and happy with him. My friends and family think hes great..basically I’m just trying to say he is a wonderful guy and I honestly love him.

I am pushing him away, and I have been for a while now. It has obviously always been a problem but now it is getting to the point where my boyfriend needs me to change my behavior or he cannot be with me anymore. I have never been in such an “adult” relationship..and I honestly would love to be with him for a long time. I know that he would also like to be with me for a long time but he just can’t because I have pushed him away too much.

How I push him away is I get really angry and irrational with him for no reason. I will twist his words around so I can be angry and I hate it. I will try to make it seem like he is saying things about other girls or other things that make me insecure. I yell at him and I just cant do it anymore. I am terrified of having to get over him and I really want to make a change so we can be happy together. I’m not sure what to do because when I am being crazy and mad for no reason I know in the back of my head that I am being ridiculous. I know that he loves me but I feel like during my angry outbursts I think he doesnt love me or want me. Ultimately I believe that this issue is a result of me being insecure and also I have anxiety and depression so I think that is a big part of it.

I’ve identified my issue and possible causes so I dont really know what advice someone can give me but I would really appreciate anything at all from reassurance to just relating to my problem..

I think maybe deep down you're afraid of eventually being dumped down the line and you're pushing him away to test him, so that he'll prove his feelings for you in a way. Or you think if you drive him away it'll hurt less than the relationship just running its natural course. I think your fears are normal but your behaviors aren't the healthiest way to deal with those fears. My suggestion is to not totally give your heart away unless he shows, over the course of a year or maybe longer than he is worth putting all your trust into. I think of one the hardest things when entering a relationship is knowing from the get go that it just might not work out. But because that isn't really under your control, I think it would be better for your personal growth and general enjoyment of life to appreciate what you have right now.

So I don't mean be paranoid and keep checking up on him to make sure everything is going perfectly, I think you should be realistic but still have fun being smitten with someone who seems really great.

Also, sometimes our gut instincts are pretty good at telling us things we don't want to know but we really just know deep down, so maybe you shouldn't rule that out.

I think most importantly, you should use college as a time to develop a really strong core sense of self so that even if or when you're single or lonely, you know that at the end of the day you can take care of yourself. X

I agree with meoww, you seem like you see the relationship as something that is too good to be true. It might be a defense mechanism or perhaps you are simply testing him to make sure he doesn't leave you. This is something that you need to work on fixing yourself - there's no easy way to go about it. There's the whole "count to ten" method, where when you feel yourself getting angry or upset, you wait a moment, gather your thoughts and put logic to the situation.

Not letting your emotions take over is something you have to learn how to do in life anyway. We learn to put on a "face" for the public - it's something we grow up with and are accustomed to. Perhaps sometimes something happens that we get angry at, but you don't see people having tantrums in the street, or yelling at strangers - if you do, you automatically question their sanity. This is why it's easy to take things out on the people we love - they don't question our sanity when we yell or cry at them. And afterwards, we expect them to still love us and forgive us if we need to make an apology.

Unfortunately if we do it too often, then they don't still love us afterwards. They have enough. What you are doing could be seen as emotional abuse and he isn't going to stand for it. It's not because he's sick of being yelled at - it's because it hurts him too. The quickest method of empathy is imagining yourself in his position. How would you feel if he said the things you say to you? Perhaps just imagining that pain and hurt is enough for you to realise and calm down before you do any damage.

All it takes is practice on your part, to try and calm yourself down before you say something you don't mean. The way you twist his words and accuse him of things tells me that you don't respect him as much as you probably should. Am I right, or dreadfully wrong? Either way - that's how it's going to seem to him as well. Just bear in mind always that when you act like this, you are hurting someone you care about.

Hello

I can totally relate to you! I do the exact same to my boyfriend, get so angry for no reason and cry until he feels guilty like he's done something really wrong it's so horrible when you know your doing it but at the time can't stop, it breaks my heart to think I could treat him like that when all he's done is be good to me!

I was made to feel pretty rubbish in my last relationship and so I take out a lot of what happened in the past on him, that's not right I know but it's very hard, maybe this has happened to you?

Even if its nothing to do with an ex, we both need to try and figure out a way to be logical before reacting, as someone has said above. I've recently found boxing is a big help for me, me and my boyfriend do it together, any negative thoughts I have or if im sad or angry for no reason I take out on the boxing pads rather than him, it's not totally solved my problem but it definitely helps!

If your boyfriend has stayed with you so far he is obviously worth keeping on to, just think how lucky you are and that you can get through these feelings, you just need to let your head clear before saying anything, that's advise for you and for me too!

I wish you all the best x

How I push him away is I get really angry and irrational with him for no reason.

On the surface that might be true, but deep down there has to be a reason, even unconsciously. If it's indeed insecurity and/or depression and anxiety, then you may want to see a counselor or therapist. You don't want to begin sabotaging your relationship due to your own issues. I think reassurance alone will not fully solve the problem, but only temporarily. You have to be happy with yourself and secure with who you are in order to be happy overall.