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Thread: Ex-girlfriend who dumped me contacted me again after a year NC

  1. #1
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    Ex-girlfriend who dumped me contacted me again after a year NC

    Hello everyone. Relationship advice requested.

    So me and my only serious ex-girlfriend were together for a year after a three year friendship but she ended it in November 2011 and said it was because there was so much going on in her life, I didn't really care since I already knew she was tired of me because I myself tried to change her in ways she couldn't, which pressured her and I see much of the breakup as my own fault and have learned from my mistakes and know that I will not do the same in future relationships with any girls.

    I was messed up when she left, it felt as if I had lost a part of me, obviously, since I still loved her when she did.

    Anyway, about a week ago while I was at work I got a text message from her apologizing and asking me if I was mad at her and she also asked if I wanted to speak to her once I got home, I agreed and said I wasn't mad at her. I am disappointed, but I didn't say that, I'm guessing she understands since I wrote that to her in an e-mail shortly after we broke up that I felt no anger, I was only disappointed.

    We've since then been speaking casually and she has added me on facebook. The first thing I notice when I head over to her facebook page is that she still saved a message from me on her page saying something along the lines of "I love you now and forever." where she replied the same.

    In recent conversations, she's been saying things like: "Too bad you weren't here or we could've done this or that."

    I've, at rare occasions, been mixing some naughty sentences in our conversations to keep myself out of the friend zone and her feedback has been positive rather than trying to avoid the subject.

    Everything just feels so weird right now after no contact for an entire year, I don't want to say something that will ruin my chances with her as I know I have fixed my issues when it comes to relationships and I wouldn't be pushing her away if we ended up being together again.

    Worth adding is that she at one occasion said something along the lines of: "I'm not interested in having a boyfriend." But quickly added: "...but that may change..." which gave me mixed feelings, does she mean I have to earn her trust for her to get together with me again or does she just play this game right now to make sure I don't end up in a relationship before her?

    If she decided to wake up all the feelings again just as I recovered from the breakup just to be friends with me she can get out of my life, I'm not going to torture myself hanging around for long if we just end up being friends - I'm not staying in the friend zone as that will be too much for me to handle. Either she choose me or she'll lose me in other words, which I'm obviously not going to say to her face as that will pressure her into making a decision she might not be ready for.

    I don't feel like a total stranger when I'm talking to her, I actually feel quite comfortable with it after all and she made me laugh multiple times, but I still have this weird feeling in my stomach, I'm guessing it's disappointment.

    Any advice on what to do? We haven't spoken over the phone yet, just text.

    Thank you for your time.

  2. #2
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    Ask her out on a date.

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    Worth adding is that I'm currently pretty broke, I had a lot of bills this month so I can't afford going to her and back for a date this month. I also think waiting an entire month will most likely put me in the friend zone. She lives about two hours away from my place, so if you have any advice on how to keep her chatting with me for another month without getting bored of me as if I'm not interesting that would be appreciated.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member CeeLambrini's Avatar
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    Stop using "the friendzone" as a fear of how things will go if you act a certain way. If she still likes you and is still attracted to you, then you're not going there. A girl being attracted to someone doesn't just fade out if you don't make the moves - it's most likely that if a guy is considered a friend, then he probably always has been. It's also not "permanent" - it doesn't create some kind of weird lock on a girls feelings toward you, it might just take a bit of extra effort and less pedestalling on your part - "The Friendzone" is just a concept which is an on going internet joke that you shouldn't be taking seriously.

    Before asking her on an official date, why don't you just ask if you can meet up for lunch or something. You don't need to go anywhere special or over-the-top. All you're doing is actually seeing each other again in person rather than keeping in touch through facebook chat. Then you can decide (and so can she) if you're still compatible.

    It could very well be that she is just enjoying the "harmless" flirting, and isn't interested in anything further than that. Waiting a month to find that out isn't going to be good for you. A lot can happen in a month, maybe try a couple of phone calls as well. Also, if you definitely can't do the lunch-date, maybe tell her that you'd like to take her out next month after you've been paid so that she knows you want this to go somewhere.
    "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

    - Buddha

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  6. #5
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    Michael,
    2 hours distance, u r broke, this is an ex gf who broke up with u, AND u r asking how to keep her interested in chatting w/ u for a whole month?
    I think you already know it doesnt sound promising and thats why it explains the 'weird feeling' in your stomach (sounds like knots not butterflies).

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    Quote Originally Posted by CeeLambrini View Post
    Stop using "the friendzone" as a fear of how things will go if you act a certain way. If she still likes you and is still attracted to you, then you're not going there. A girl being attracted to someone doesn't just fade out if you don't make the moves - it's most likely that if a guy is considered a friend, then he probably always has been. It's also not "permanent" - it doesn't create some kind of weird lock on a girls feelings toward you, it might just take a bit of extra effort and less pedestalling on your part - "The Friendzone" is just a concept which is an on going internet joke that you shouldn't be taking seriously.

    Before asking her on an official date, why don't you just ask if you can meet up for lunch or something. You don't need to go anywhere special or over-the-top. All you're doing is actually seeing each other again in person rather than keeping in touch through facebook chat. Then you can decide (and so can she) if you're still compatible.

    It could very well be that she is just enjoying the "harmless" flirting, and isn't interested in anything further than that. Waiting a month to find that out isn't going to be good for you. A lot can happen in a month, maybe try a couple of phone calls as well. Also, if you definitely can't do the lunch-date, maybe tell her that you'd like to take her out next month after you've been paid so that she knows you want this to go somewhere.
    Thank you for the input, it is very much appreciated. I'll find one way or another to ask her out this month.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lostndazed View Post
    Michael,
    2 hours distance, u r broke, this is an ex gf who broke up with u, AND u r asking how to keep her interested in chatting w/ u for a whole month?
    I think you already know it doesnt sound promising and thats why it explains the 'weird feeling' in your stomach (sounds like knots not butterflies).
    I've come to the conclusion that what I am feeling in my stomach is nervosity.

  9. #8
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    Just ask her out. Go for a drive... Do you even want her back?

  10. #9
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    Well, as probably everyone here, I'm also having ex issues, so I'm not sure if I am of much help. I think you should go on talking to her, try to make her remember good things you shared, be positive and do NOT talk about what went wrong yet (believe me, I did this and now im in deep s**t). As for the date without money, can't you take her for a walk? Especially effective if there is a dog involved (would be in my case) or invite some common nice friends over for a film session and include her? Any film you always watched together? And in my opinion, the MOST effective of all, hint that you found out someone is interested on you (not you on them, that is not true or fair). It's a bit dirty, but it works, if you are interested in someone and think you might lose them because you are still thinking things true it accelerates the process quite a lot. I'm a girl, btw, so I'm telling you what my ex could do (and did) to get me interested again. Good luck!!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member CeeLambrini's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tk80 View Post
    Well, as probably everyone here, I'm also having ex issues, so I'm not sure if I am of much help. I think you should go on talking to her, try to make her remember good things you shared, be positive and do NOT talk about what went wrong yet (believe me, I did this and now im in deep s**t). As for the date without money, can't you take her for a walk? Especially effective if there is a dog involved (would be in my case) or invite some common nice friends over for a film session and include her? Any film you always watched together? And in my opinion, the MOST effective of all, hint that you found out someone is interested on you (not you on them, that is not true or fair). It's a bit dirty, but it works, if you are interested in someone and think you might lose them because you are still thinking things true it accelerates the process quite a lot. I'm a girl, btw, so I'm telling you what my ex could do (and did) to get me interested again. Good luck!!
    All good advice with the exception of the bold. Mind games never help and can blow up in your face.
    "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

    - Buddha

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