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  1. #1
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    Dating a Coworker

    I became friends with a male coworker 9 months ago. He had his eyes on me for over 1.5 years but never pursued because I had a BF. When I became single he made sure I noticed him. He asked me out for dates multiple times but never followed through using the old work excuses. I put him on the spot and he told me he cannot date long term because we work together.

    I know he recently went through a divorce with a child a couple of years ago. I got out of a 6 year relationship a year ago. Neither of us are really ready to fully jump start into any relationship. He says he doesnt want a relationship and I told him the same.

    We remained friends who would meet up occassionally. We would text for hours, call each other on the phone, I would come over to his place. We slept together twice both on my call without any pressure on his part. We are not dating or sleeping with anyone else.

    He is 10 years my senior and his position is very senior within the company. We have both agreed that we would not visit each other at work. We dont work together, we rarely ever run into each other at work. His work is very demanding and he is in the office 6 days a week with a 12 hour day almost daily. He is aware that I am looking to leave the company.

    The time we spend together is absolutely wonderful. Never a dull moment. We can be ourselves with each other. We cuddle, we kiss, we stare deeply into each others' eyes. We laugh at each others' jokes. He has told me "love you" three times now, I havent said it back to him.

    He enjoys seeing me as his face and actions say it all, but he is scared and wont come say hi to me at work. Recently he has started showing deep feelings in his actions and his words which scared me a bit because I wasnt expecting this from him. His inconsistency makes me concern about his feelings for me. He would take one step to see me then take another step back because he cannot date someone from work. I am confused by his action. I am not looking to rush into any relationship but I want to know if I am wasting my time with this man. How do I know he really loves me and not just stringing me along? I would prefer not to date a coworker but I need assurance that we would date when I leave the company. Should I talk to him?

  2. #2
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    if you feel this is the perfect time to talk about it with him, then go ahead. i would say its a bit premature.
    i would suggest you date outside of the work scenario, if work allows you to have time for that.

  3. #3
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    Well...i can see why he wouldnt see you during the work day. If work place romance is against company rules he probably doesn't want the world knowing. And if he is very senior and was dating someone who was a subordinate, you might lose your job or he could or his judgement could be put into question if he promotes you.

    I think that you should not leave the company to date him if he has already told you that he does NOT want a relationship. You have also told him that is was okay because YOU don't want a relationship either. And now you are wanting more and considering changing jobs to date someone who is not into it for a relationship. If he really believed that he could not date you because of work, he would have nipped this in the bud early and ended things. If he really wanted a relationship with someone and then started to turn towards you, he would tell you how much he wants to be in a relationship with the right woman, and he's ready for that, and then mention it was a bummer that you worked together - but "do you think we can find a way to work around it for now?" But he did not. He was clear what he didn't want but you want that not to be so.

    Also...another clue - HE asked YOU out multiple times and didn't follow through. Usually, one knows their own schedule.

    I honestly think that this is "safe" for him because he knows you can't go public with this and show up to the world as a couple.

    The question I would be asking would not be if he would date you if you left the company - but what future does he see for himself - does he see himself ever marrying again? Does he see himself in a long term relationship? if he says no - then don't bother with him anymore or if you just want fun and nothing more fine. But don't quit your job. I mean, he is not really even dating you. The meetups are on his terms - and you are "friends" in his mind who sleep together and no one knows about. Has he met family members? Did you meet his? If things are secret at work, you would think the relationship would be public elsewhere.

    Anyway, the only way i would leave my job is if you went out for another year or so and it was apparent that he was ready to move to the next step.

    But overall, i think you should keep in mind what he originally wanted. If your job is a good career for you, I wouldnt leave because of him just yet. You will see if he dates you if you get a really awesome job offer somewhere else but then again....maybe not.

  4. #4
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    If you feel that way then you should tell him, although I know a ton of people that date in the workplace and are fine....you just gotta set some limits, like no romantic feelings at work...other than that you should be good.

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  6. #5
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    Just to clarify...I planned on leaving the company before we even knew each other.

    We work for the same company but I almost never deal with his team or department.

    We are not sleeping with each other anymore. I have stopped this and have told him so. We remain friends. He has mentioned his family and so have I, but I put a cap on the family talk too since I am not comfortable dating someone at work, and I have told him this many times when we got to know each other.

    Also, the years that I've been here I have seen and heard stories where the men who dated within the company "somehow" mysteriously got fired. Whether or not that is the real reason no one knows...

    I was not ready for a relationship when we met but I feel that things are getting deeper given the time we spend together (no sex) and he is the one who showed signs of his feelings first. How do I know his feelings are real?

  7. #6
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    If you feel that way then you should end it all, probably because you are gonna give the guy mixed messages...sorry to say that but might have to be done.

  8. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by dobbin View Post
    Just to clarify...I planned on leaving the company before we even knew each other.

    We work for the same company but I almost never deal with his team or department.

    We are not sleeping with each other anymore. I have stopped this and have told him so. We remain friends. He has mentioned his family and so have I, but I put a cap on the family talk too since I am not comfortable dating someone at work, and I have told him this many times when we got to know each other.

    Also, the years that I've been here I have seen and heard stories where the men who dated within the company "somehow" mysteriously got fired. Whether or not that is the real reason no one knows...

    I was not ready for a relationship when we met but I feel that things are getting deeper given the time we spend together (no sex) and he is the one who showed signs of his feelings first. How do I know his feelings are real?
    Why would you stop talking about family (people in your life) if you talk so much? Anyway, what i mean is - did you meet any friends of his, etc - but if you are cooling things off maybe you have not put stuff like that shows someone is serious. What i also meant is did you have a discussion wondering if he ever sees himself having more kids, or if he sees himself married someday? Just in general. if he doesn't have the same life goals as you, it is not worth even finding out if he'd date you, right?

    In a seperate convo...if he seems to be compatible..
    I would simply talk to him and tell him that you know that when you met, you weren't really looking for anything but as you have spent time together, you have changed your mind about that.
    Tell him you know guys have been fired for dating, but if you left the company, would he consider a relationship or is he still of the mind that he does not want one? Then you have your answer. If he just says "naw, i want to just be a single dad and I don't see myself having anything permanent' then it is your choice on to try and date him - OR limit or eliminate the friendship so you can find someone new.

    I have learned from dating a man who initially didn't want a relationship or marriage - usually you have to listen to that a bit. It usually doesn't change. But maybe it will. But i would find out, or you are just going to be strung along when you are thinking you've got something good started. its not about quantity of time and a guy spends with someone that makes him change his mind.

  9. #8
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    I really like this man and the time we spend together. I guess I am holding out hope that when I leave we can start dating.

    I do want to sit down with him and tell him my feelings and ask him if there is a potential future with us....I dont want to shut down the family/friend talk like I did with him in the past. I dont want to give him any more mixed messages but to clear things up between us then decide if we want to wait and pursue something together. My mistake was I never told him or showed him I was looking for anything serious, so whenever he touched the "serious topics" I would shut him down. I dont want to play my silly games anymore.

    He consistently asked me when I was going to leave and if I was going to any interviews and I have told him to stop asking me because I wanted to be at the company x years before moving on, he obliged. We would never jeopardize our jobs but my gut feelings tell me that given all we've been through we must really like/trust each other to continue to wait for the other.

    Now I realize I like him alot and I want to tell him. Should I still sit and talk to him?
    Last edited by dobbin; 09-28-2012 at 11:51 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dobbin View Post
    I was not ready for a relationship when we met but I feel that things are getting deeper given the time we spend together (no sex) and he is the one who showed signs of his feelings first. How do I know his feelings are real?
    I think things are getting deeper for you and now you want a "guarantee" from him. I don't think the co-worker issue is the main issue. I think the fact that this guy is recently divorced is a big deal. It's pretty convenient for him to say he cannot date you long term because you are a co-worker. If working together was a real issue, he wouldn't have slept with you. I think it's a way to keep you on the hook and let him stay inconsistent.

    Even if you left, I doubt he would step up. I know you gave him mixed signals, but I don't think his desire to talk about family topics means the same thing to him as it would to you. Don't mistake intimacy for commitment.
    Last edited by Ms Darcy; 09-29-2012 at 12:13 AM.
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