Why am I bothering?

I currently like a very shy, rather anti-social guy. He's a gamer and scientist - who has always been fairly nervous around people, and is rather hard to get to know. He is an honestly nice person, but he just can't do anything social, and can be utterly oblivious to other people's feelings.

I've liked him for a while now, but have been taking it incredibly slowly because I am generally quite guarded with my feelings. I don't tend to ask people out until I am sure that they like me.

One of his friends visited a little while ago, saw that I liked him - and basically took him aside for a chat. He told the guy I liked him, the guy I like said he feels the same - but he's worried about hurting the feelings of his housemate who likes me too. The whole thing is a bit of a mess.

Now, since then - I've had quite a few other people tell me how much this guy likes me. They've said it's really obvious, and that he's mentioned to them that he's considering asking me out anyway, that he talks about me, etc.

However - he just makes me feel awful every time I see him. He's totally oblivious to how I feel at any given time. He'll greet me, but then for the rest of the time we spend together - he more or less ignores me.

He will invite me over to his, and then play a computer game and leave me sitting about in the background. When we're out with friends, he will hug me once (usually only if prompted) and then...just not say anything to me for the rest of the time.

Granted, he isn't always like this. Sometimes, he will be really enthusiastic, and will talk with me about everything under the sun and be really close and affectionate...

But then the rest of the time, he swings wildly into being really unpleasant.

Today, we were out with friends - and he hardly talked to me. The few times we did get to talk, he got distracted by something, and when I had to leave - everybody else waved or hugged me and told me to have a good day. This guy was too busy texting to even realise I was leaving, and just...said nothing.

At the moment, I hardly understand why I like the guy. Let alone understand how on earth he likes me - he doesn't exactly go out of his way to show it, and as much as our friends insist that he does, it doesn't exactly seem like it.

Even more baffling is that if he like me - what the hell is he doing?

He just sounds inept.

Personally, I would forget about him. I'm sure he's a lovely person and all that jazz, but do you really want to play the role of instructor with him? Find a guy who is more saavy in social situations.

You could always try just... asking him.

Scientist + gamer... hehe. Yeah, I can see that being a bit of an inward-driven person.

You just would have to figure out what would bring him out of his shell - and you have to be honest with him without being emotional... emotions probably terrify him, especially coming from a woman. I have a couple of friends like this... at the first sign of anything other than a neutral reaction, they freeze. It's almost comical... but in a painfully, painfully awkward way.

If you really like him, you're going to have to be patient. It's going to take work - but you definitely, definitely need to talk to him.

Wow...I would be really frustrated with this guy too. In fact, I would be downright hurt, offended, angry and confused by his behaviour.

He sounds as if he has some sort of personality disorder where he is not aware of social graces/social cues and how to appropriately interact with people. Where he is not aware of how his actions would affect those around him. Asperger's Syndrome, maybe?

I don't think that I could put with someone like this. Even if it's not his fault, and is just a result of a social disorder, this is not something that will go away quickly or easily, and like Camus said, do you really want to be the person that has to "train" him on how to treat you properly? That has to constantly make it known to him that he is being rude and that his bizarre, antisocial behaviour is hurting your feelings and alienating you?

I would give up on this guy and move on, unless you have incredibly strong feelings for him and think that you could put up with this behaviour continuing - or are willing to put in A LOT of work to attempt to "change" him.

You deserve better.

ya move on, even if you got into a relationship with him he doesn't sound like the type that would be emotionally available for you. Seems pretty self-involved, I fond some really smart people can be this way, just too into their heads.

i think he is oblivious, i don't think he is acting like this on purpose to upset you, but it does come accross as rude.

Nice. Why not put this fellow in an institution and toss the key away. I apologize to the mods in advance, but the above posts has set me off. What is it about this forum that leads people to judge non-social butterflies in such ways that condemn us to a fate of life without the affection of another?

To the thread starter, unless the person you're seeing's a mind-reader how is he supposed to know you're interested in him? Too many women seem to think men can identify a woman's feelings by sight. In an age of quickly-issued restraining orders, what can be gained from this except legal headaches and/or damaged psyches? Someone's got to say something to get things moving and it has to be the person most able to communicate this effectively.

^ He knows, because I have told him. He knows very clearly that I like him, and has told me that he is uncertain of what to do next because of the difficulty with his housemate.

And, I'm very aware of the fact that he's not a social butterfly, I've never expected him to be, but the problem is that I can't see whether any of his behaviour toward me would change in a relationship.

There is a difference between anti-social and shy and just rude, and while I'm not "condemning" someone shy and anti-social to being without affection - simply because they are more difficult to get to know - similarly I'm not exactly enamoured with the idea of condemning myself to a relationship where I have to coax him into talking to me if I want to have any interaction with him.

I'm not a mind-reader either, and when pretty much every sign points to him being uninterested yet is the opposite of what he has said - I'm not really finding myself in a rush to move forward and be hurt more.