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What should I do to make my husband attracted to me and love me again


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Desperate for advice.

 

My husband said he no longer loves me and attracted to me. To make my story short, the reason for this is because I have neglected him as my husband. I have been focused on our son and work. We probably have sex twice a year if not less. I havent slept next to him since our son was born and our son now is 12 years old. I also caught him having cyber affair. As soon as I found out all these, I made some changes quickly. My son now sleeps by himself and I am back in our room. I make myself available to my husband. I asked him why he didnt say anything about this earlier on and he said was "i guess my personality is not to rock the boat'.

 

However he decides to go away. He said he needs to do this to sort out his feelings. He will be away for 3 months. Yes its a very long time and its devastating. He knows that I love him so much.

 

He promised to call when he arrived which he did. He also a promised to call once a week. He has not gone for long yet so will wait and see.

 

Anyway could you please advice me what I could do to make him love me again and be attracted to me while he is on the other side of the world ?

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Wait. You slept with your son until he was 12 years old? You did not sleep with your husband in the marital bed for over a decade??? And you caught him in a cyber affair.... I do not think you can get over this prolonged period of estrangement. What did he do to be treated this way by his wife?

 

To make things mor echallenging, he is currently overseas. This is a very hard set of circumstances. Perhaps your best chance to fix things is once he returns and you have some real time together.

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Wait. You slept with your son until he was 12 years old? You did not sleep with your husband in the marital bed for over a decade??? And you caught him in a cyber affair.... I do not think you can get over this prolonged period of estrangement. What did he do to be treated this way by his wife?

 

To make things mor echallenging, he is currently overseas. This is a very hard set of circumstances. Perhaps your best chance to fix things is once he returns and you have some real time together.

 

Unfortunately yes. Its just the way I brought up our son. I know its wrong but I thought my husband and I had an understanding. Does it mean I cannot do anything at the moment to make him love and be attracted to me again ? I have to wait when he returns ? Thats 3 months from now.

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* You haven't shared a bed with him for almost the entirety of your marriage - 12 YEARS.

* You have instead shared a room and bed with your son for 12 YEARS

 

I don't think it's in any way surprising that he feels he no longer loves you and is no longer attracted to you. He has been neglected for 12 YEARS and pretty much ignored during your entire marriage. I'm not sure if there's anything left to do to change his mind at this point. Perhaps counselling would be a start, but I honestly think it's too late by now. I think the ball is in his court right now and you'll have to wait and see if he'll ever change his mind.

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* You haven't shared a bed with him for almost the entirety of your marriage - 12 YEARS.

* You have instead shared a room and bed with your son for 12 YEARS

 

I don't think it's in any way surprising that he feels he no longer loves you and is no longer attracted to you. He has been neglected for 12 YEARS and pretty much ignored during your entire marriage. I'm not sure if there's anything left to do to change his mind at this point. Perhaps counselling would be a start, but I honestly think it's too late by now. I think the ball is in his court right now and you'll have to wait and see if he'll ever change his mind.

 

He said he loves me as a mother of our son. I wished he told me. I wished he communicated. I really thought we had an understanding. I love him dearly. We both attended 1 counseling since he already booked his trip. Before he left I asked him if he wants to love me again and he said yes. I also asked him if he believed we could fix it and he said yes. I asked him of I should start dating while he is away and he said no. When I asked him to handover all our savings to me, he did and only asked for money for his trip. He gave me access to his bank details. He still wears our wedding ring.

 

I am hoping there is something I could do, say while he is away to make him love me and attracted to me.

 

If its fact too late and there is nothing I could do ... may be best for my sake to move on as if I am not married ?

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Does your husband seem to have any hope for reconciliation? I recommend family counseling that includes your son. Mothers and sons sharing a bed for so long causes emotional trauma and will affect his relationships indefinitely. To lessen the impact of that, I would get him counseling ASAP no matter what the outcome of your marriage is.

Imagine that your son has grown up with the image that he "replaced" his father in the marital bed and now his father is leaving. Oedipal at its best...but that's supposed to be a child's fantasy during a short stage...not their reality. It no doubt has effected his father/son relationship, created an unhealthy (co-dependent?) dynamic between you and your son, but has also marred the way he experiences men/women/husbands/wives/mothers/fathers in a very unhealthy way.

I'm wondering why you're husband would have agreed to being ousted to another room and having a sexless marriage For 12 years while his wife and son co-create such an emotionally unhealthy dynamic. What had been the original goal/ understanding? Maybe he still shares some of the same goals an you can go back to what you share in common as a foundation for rebuilding.

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Ignore him for a week. I mean a serious cold shoulder.]

??? She's pretty much ignored him for their entire marriage of 12 years and never even shared a bedroom with him. How will ignoring him even further work in getting him to find her attractive and love her again?

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Initially he said the love will never go back. Its either there or not there. But after few talks: He may have a change of heart. I say this based on 3 things

1) He resisted a number of times going to counselling but agreed after he spoken with his sister

2) I asked him if he wants to love me again and he said yes

3) I asked him if he believed we could fix this and he said yes

 

Fortunately my son adjusted very quickly. I cannot see any issues with my son. He actually loving the idea that he has freedom. I don’t think my son is aware that he ‘replaced’ his dad. I don’t think he has that understanding.

 

I really thought we had an understanding. My husband and I put our son to bed. We lay down with our son who sleeps in the in the middle of the bed. When our son fall asleep, my husband will go to our the master's room while I stay sleeping with our son. We are dedicated parents. That’s our main goal. I thought that we had that understanding.

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It sounds hopeful that you might reconcile if he's interested and willing. I'm happy to hear that about your son although I think some family counseling may be helpful still.

We all try our best as parents and I know sometimes we do the wrong things from the right place of real love and caring. I suggest in addition to counseling that you begin by treating your husband line your boyfriend..text to say hi, ask how his day is, send him a card in the mail, maybe have something nice delivered to him on his trip...dress nicely, do your hair, go out on a date and don't talk about your son...all the things you're supposed to do from the start after a baby (that most of us are guilty of neglecting).

I really hope it works out for you and will be rooting for you. *hugs*

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It sounds hopeful that you might reconcile if he's interested and willing. I'm happy to hear that about your son although I think some family counseling may be helpful still.

We all try our best as parents and I know sometimes we do the wrong things from the right place of real love and caring. I suggest in addition to counseling that you begin by treating your husband line your boyfriend..text to say hi, ask how his day is, send him a card in the mail, maybe have something nice delivered to him on his trip...dress nicely, do your hair, go out on a date and don't talk about your son...all the things you're supposed to do from the start after a baby (that most of us are guilty of neglecting).

I really hope it works out for you and will be rooting for you. *hugs*

 

Thanks sauvignon.

 

To be honest I am not 100% confident that he is willing. If he is 100% willing then he shouldn’t have gone away for 3 months. I have to wait for 3 months and its a very long time to wait.

 

Part of me thinking positive but majority is negative.

 

I am seeing a counsellor and I will wait for her guidance about my son. I think what u said about treating him like a boyfriend is a good idea. I will keep that in mind. While he is away, he doesn’t have 1 place to stay as he is moving a lot to see places he saw 25 years ago. He said part of him going away is retrace his steps 25 years ago where he had fun and no stress. He doesn’t have a cell phone number yet. So basically its when he calls me and our son.

 

He called the day after he landed just to let us know he arrived safe. We had a friendly chat about the weather, what he had for dinner. Just like close friends. I don know how to act with him, what to say.

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^Yeah, that would be my advice. That's what I would do.

 

It's not over til it's over. And if he is giving you all these hopeful signs, you gotta at least try. And not just a little bit, and then give up. I mean, be the wife you always wanted to be to him.

 

Think of it like an exciting opportunity to be with the man you love - and in a way, you get to start all over again.

 

One other thing,

 

Didn't you miss him??

 

I mean, before he layed all this on you,

all these years,

I'm assuming you love him and seriously took him for granted but,

how could you not have missed him??

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^Yeah, that would be my advice. That's what I would do.

 

It's not over til it's over. And if he is giving you all these hopeful signs, you gotta at least try. And not just a little bit, and then give up. I mean, be the wife you always wanted to be to him.

 

Think of it like an exciting opportunity to be with the man you love - and in a way, you get to start all over again.

 

One other thing,

 

Didn't you miss him??

 

I mean, before he layed all this on you,

all these years,

I'm assuming you love him and seriously took him for granted but,

how could you not have missed him??

 

I missed him. I love him so much. I agree with him that I took him for granted. But I guess I didn’t want to be called bad mother over my own self gratification and selfishness.

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I had a pal whose hubby slept in the same bed with her but they did not have sex for 13 years. I always thought he had issues, and perhaps this is more about your hubby than you? What you said above about him liking you less sounds manipulate, offputting and controlling.

Angel

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I had a pal whose hubby slept in the same bed with her but they did not have sex for 13 years. I always thought he had issues, and perhaps this is more about your hubby than you? What you said above about him liking you less sounds manipulate, offputting and controlling.

Angel

 

 

Are you able to expand you thought he has issues ? its about him and not met ?

Me being manipulative, offputting and controlling ?

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You might read 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' and consider booking a counseling session with the author. She specializes in saving marriages if there's anything left to salvage.

 

If you never desired a consistent sexual relationship with your husband, then maybe co-parenting as divorced parents is a better option. Your husband seems to want a sexual relationship, and your actions over 12 years suggest you're happy without one.

 

What do you really want? To not get divorced? Or has something re-awakened in you? I'd suggest getting really clear on what you actually are wanting for yourself.

 

Your situation sounds painful, and I respect you for reaching out and reflecting on what happened. Keep exploring, sounds like your husband is doing the same.

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You might read 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' and consider booking a counseling session with the author. She specializes in saving marriages if there's anything left to salvage.

 

If you never desired a consistent sexual relationship with your husband, then maybe co-parenting as divorced parents is a better option. Your husband seems to want a sexual relationship, and your actions over 12 years suggest you're happy without one.

 

What do you really want? To not get divorced? Or has something re-awakened in you? I'd suggest getting really clear on what you actually are wanting for yourself.

 

Your situation sounds painful, and I respect you for reaching out and reflecting on what happened. Keep exploring, sounds like your husband is doing the same.

 

I do want to have a sexual relationship. We had sex may be twice a year. I don’t want to get divorce. Its re-awakening. Since this event, I now become very sexually conscious. My brain is now stimulating me. I wanted to have sex almost everyday esp after a good rest, ie early morning. Now I am sleeping by myself in our room and its very hard at the moment

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I do want to have a sexual relationship. We had sex may be twice a year. I don’t want to get divorce. Its re-awakening. Since this event, I now become very sexually conscious. My brain is now stimulating me. I wanted to have sex almost everyday esp after a good rest, ie early morning. Now I am sleeping by myself in our room and its very hard at the moment

 

I still think counseling is crirtical. I hope I am not being indelicate but does your son have nightmares or any special needs? I cannot think of a situation where in order to be good involved parents, both parents had to lay down in bed with the child for year after year in order to get him to fall asleep. Forget the excuse that you thought you had a understanding, surely you were not raised this way? Surely you had the example of a mother who was able to be both a wife and a parent.

 

Also, just what is this mysterious trip of 3 months by your husband? You said he is retracing his life through his old haunts and places where his life was carefree. This sounds totally like mid-life crisis. I originally thought he was overseas for business or the military. What is the trip he is taking really about?

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Maybe you shouldnt think about moving on if you do want to reconcile... If you have already thought of moving on you wouldnt have a chance to reconcile.

 

Maybe call him everyday just to talk to him, talk to him about his day. Dont bring up your issues. Just have a conversation with him. Maybe that would help you to bring your marriage back on track.

 

And if you keep harping on that you both had an understanding while you clearly didnt also doesnt help your case. Just saying btw. Best would be to accept that something went wrong and move on from there.

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I am seeing a counsillor and working with her on what to do with my son. My son doesn’t have special needs. Its just the way we did it. I grew up in an environment like that but at one stage I got kicked out by my Dad out of their room.

 

He is not away for business or military. He told his mom and some of our friends that he is going away on work assignment. The fact is he is going away to clear his head, sort out his feelings for me, have fun and have no stress. He was at this country 25 years ago for more than a year, when he was single even before we met. He worked there and did what single people do, I guess get drank and have a good time without worry in the world. He said he wanted to retrace those steps. Unfortunately the cyber woman lives in this country. But my husband said he has no intention of meeting her and he also said the woman said she is not going to meet him. Now I don’t really want to focus on this other woman because I guess I wont be able to stop if my husband and/or the other woman really wants to meet up. So I guess I am giving him the benefit of the doubt to save our marriage. I like to concentrate on what I could control which is me. So I am focusing on what I could do, say so he becomes attracted to me again and love me again while he is away.

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Maybe you shouldnt think about moving on if you do want to reconcile... If you have already thought of moving on you wouldnt have a chance to reconcile.

 

Maybe call him everyday just to talk to him, talk to him about his day. Dont bring up your issues. Just have a conversation with him. Maybe that would help you to bring your marriage back on track.

 

And if you keep harping on that you both had an understanding while you clearly didnt also doesnt help your case. Just saying btw. Best would be to accept that something went wrong and move on from there.

 

I really want to salvage our marriage. Unfortunately I wont be able to call him everyday even I want to. He is moving from one place to another to see different places while in this country. He said he will be staying in Hostels coz its cheaper. He promised to call at least once a week. He also promised our son that he will call him but not everyday.

 

When he calls I wont mention anything about our issue, just about his day and my day if he ask. I only mention about the understanding so people on this forum understand how we lasted this long. I have accepted that something went wrong and we both agreed that we made the mistake. He knows I like to fix our marriage and I made it clear to him how I feel towards him. That I love him and I am now sexually conscious. His response was he knows how I feel but he need to sort out his feelings

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What I meant is that when you expressed fear that he would think less of you, perhaps you found him too manipulative? He demanded things, or did you just think he demanded things and responded to what you thought he would do, not what he actually did?

 

I'm a bit confused as to why you took 12 years to address this issue, him too actually. But I've heard of this before. Weren't you curious why he didn't want sex with you?

I am!

Angel

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