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Should I continue dating this shy guy or not?


mecastillo1987

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Hello everyone,

 

Just thought I'd get a couple honest answers on my current situation dating the nice, shy guy. I've been around ENA for quite some time, and this site was pretty awesome in helping me get past my last break-up.

 

I am in my mid-20s, and I've been single for the past 10 months. I made it a point to stay single (and happy about it) after my last break-up (which ended quite badly), and now I believe I'm ready to hit the dating scene again.

 

I met this guy who isn't typically my "ideal guy" (part of stepping outside my comfort zone goal this year). But thinking perhaps I should put that little mental check-list aside, I gave him a shot. He's fairly good-looking, quite smart, very nice, and very shy. We've gone out several times, but the only drawback is that sometimes his lack of confidence makes our series of dates a little awkward and a little uncomfortable. He fidgets, he stutters, he scratches the back of his ear... and whenever he makes a mistake or gets all clumsy, he gets hard on himself and turns really red.

 

Maybe it's because I've been so used to dating alphamales (which 2 of my last exes were), that I find myself struggling with dating this guy. I do my best to see past his confidence issues, though. Sometimes I offer to foot the bill, sometimes I initiate the texting and the calling, sometimes I initiate non-verbal gestures like placing my hand on his back and touching his hand lightly... I also try to dress down a bit so I don't look too intimidating on dates, and instead of those fancy dinners, I suggest laid-back movie nights to help draw him out of his shell...

 

Little by little -- VERY little by little -- he's been opening up. And I'm starting to see why he lacks the confidence I would've wanted him to have. (Divorced parents, bullied as a kid, number of rejections from girls, etc.)

 

What kills me is the fact that he is a REALLY nice guy. I genuinely appreciate him for what he does to adjust to me. I see the efforts behind the dates, and I also see that he is really trying his best to open up more to me. For instance last night, he confessed his feelings to me in the car. And although it made me feel really good inside, there was also this part of me... this little voice in my head, telling me he might not be ready to take this whole dating thing with someone like me, here on out...

 

Isn't it a red flag to like the the guy's 'potential' more, than the guy himself?

 

Should I continue dating him?

 

Any thoughts?

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how long you've been dating him.First off,you sound like a really understanding and sweet girl.I think you should give some more time although if this is his frist RS with a girl or a pretty girl Im sure he has a long way from becoming the alpha type male you're looking for,who knows if he will come out of his shell and change his shy ways? its hard to say.I'll go with that he wont now and it will have to take him some time to be a little more experienced.Change isnt easy and takes time as well.

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its hard for me to tell you not to lead him on before he gets really into you because I can relate to the guy a bit,as I was this way at the beginning but I know from personal experience that it takes a while to get to a place where you are comfortable being confident around the ladies lol.Then again I didnt have someone that was as understanding as you are with him.That could help him out greatly.

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its hard for me to tell you not to lead him on before he gets really into you because I can relate to the guy a bit,as I was this way at the beginning but I know from personal experience that it takes a while to get to a place where you are comfortable being confident around the ladies lol.Then again I didnt have someone that was as understanding as you are with him.That could help him out greatly.

 

Thanks for this resilient7... I appreciate your honesty. I have NO INTENTION of leading him on at all. But being in this position kind of sucks a little, because there is a big part of me that wants to help him be more confident with himself. It's not even me wanting to turn him into a big, beaming, jockish alpha-male or anything. I just want him to be comfortable with who he is, embrace his flaws and limitations and be proud of his weirdness... I know I can learn a lot from his comic-book/graphic novel interests, tastes in film/music, healthy-eating habits, etc... But there's a side of him that just crumbles when with the opposite sex, I guess.

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Wow! I can honestly say that I'm surprised there are people like you! That's really very sweet of you

 

Honestly, from my point of view, the essence is in him. It's all there. You're doing it right by trying to look beyond his reasons for being shy and I think that you should give this guy a chance. If you say that he's nice and good-looking, it will be kind of up to you to squeeze the confidence out of him! In some time you'll be walking with him at a mall or something like that and you'll see lots of girls staring at him, envying you. I GUARANTEE you that with time he will show that confidence .

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Wow! I can honestly say that I'm surprised there are people like you! That's really very sweet of you

 

Honestly, from my point of view, the essence is in him. It's all there. You're doing it right by trying to look beyond his reasons for being shy and I think that you should give this guy a chance. If you say that he's nice and good-looking, it will be kind of up to you to squeeze the confidence out of him! In some time you'll be walking with him at a mall or something like that and you'll see lots of girls staring at him, envying you. I GUARANTEE you that with time he will show that confidence .

 

Thank you, BlazePT... I appreciate your thoughts. Nice guys should never have to feel like they can only finish last.

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Wow, I agree with BlazePT. But I don't want to glorify myself by saying you've got such a sweet personality, because it seems like it's myself talking in the OP lol. Besides I'm a bit like him too (the bit lack of confidence caused by some reasons you noted). But this makes me even more caring. Do you have experience with people like him (as friends, family, e.g.) or can you also identify yourself a bit with him?

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I can personally relate to this. I'm a quite shy guy, always have been even before school. It's just me. But I've taken almost an entire year to fully come out of my shell to my girlfriend. She has been dating the alpha-male types for years before we got together. She has been VERY patient (If you are a family guy fan, this would be where the "Pope" says 'You have the patience of a saint') with me opening up. Namely because since I have started dating, it just kept getting worse with the rejection from girls, bullying, etc. like your guy. It takes a toll on a confidence majorly. I'd say give him a little while to open up more. I really came out of my shell and told my girlfriend how I felt towards her on valentines day this year with a ring and she told me she was about to drop my butt because she didn't know how I felt towards her at all.

 

TL;DR: Give him some more time. If he is anything like me, he will come out of his shell more and more. He will start exposing a little more of himself each time he does open up. Like a size comparison here, he may have opened up a small ring box this time, next time it may be something the size of a coffee pot box (I'm very bad with this, bear with me). To him, it will be a great accomplishment.

 

P.S.: I wasn't trying to toot my own horn, just sharing how I overcame.

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Thank you, BlazePT... I appreciate your thoughts. Nice guys should never have to feel like they can only finish last.

 

Truly nice people never feel like they finish last -because they're nice from a mindset of confidence and being nice to themselves too -having proper boundaries. People pleasers who are nice just to gain approval/have people like them resent when others take advantage or are turned off by their insecurities.

I wouldn't be with him to "help" him or make him your project- because either you will get turned off if he doesn't change/respond or if he does gain confidence then you'll have to be prepared to have a very different type of interaction/dynamic with him.

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Do you have experience with people like him (as friends, family, e.g.) or can you also identify yourself a bit with him?

 

Yep. It's a good balance of both. I was a loser during my tween years and was a late bloomer myself... I wouldn't say that I'm at my absolute prime now, but I've gone relatively far with my social skills, especially in the dating area. I've had quite a couple of friends who were exactly like him, too - both guys and girls. Being friends with quiet and shy introverts ever since my high-school years has been quite interesting for me... and I guess being the extrovert that I am, it's always been a pleasure seeing each and every one of them shine in their own respective elements and uniqueness.

 

Last night for instance, was our 4th date. I used to always be the one dominating conversations, throwing out topics, etc.; but last night there was a loooong moment when he just couldn't stop talking about Japanese culture, anime, artwork, and his taste in historical fiction books and movies... It was truly and genuinely a pleasure for me to just sit back, listen, and realize how deep he was as a person in his worldviews and thoughts.

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Truly nice people never feel like they finish last -because they're nice from a mindset of confidence and being nice to themselves too -having proper boundaries. People pleasers who are nice just to gain approval/have people like them resent when others take advantage or are turned off by their insecurities.

I wouldn't be with him to "help" him or make him your project- because either you will get turned off if he doesn't change/respond or if he does gain confidence then you'll have to be prepared to have a very different type of interaction/dynamic with him.

 

I agree. When I said "Nice guys should never have to feel like they can only finish last", I was talking about the socially-accepted axiom, norm and worldview that "Nice guys finish last", "Girls always go for the bad boys", "Nice guys always get friendzoned", etc. I read about it all the time online on 9gag, hear friends complain about it... But don't worry, I'm not making him my "project". Like I said (as a reply to another commenter) earlier, I'm not trying to change him to becoming someone else. I know that's highly impossible. I just believe in his potential, and I do all of this in good faith. Should he change because of the confidence boost - whether it's for the better or for the worst- I at least know that everything on my end was nothing but the best of intentions. Thank you for your thoughts.

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I fully understand what you're saying. people change, but this is not about changing but more about opening up. Finally be the one he is supposed to be, act how he wants to act, appear how he wants to appear. Like, his personality was hidden somewhere and he slowly has to find bits and pieces. Then he will shine like he never did. And it's with you.

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May I ask you something? I'm wondering about this.. so I'm just curious. How do you guys approach eachother? Like, physically. Just saying hi when you meet or give eachother a hug? Or ask "do you want a hug?". Or did you guys already kiss -in that case how did that happen? I think it's always hard to know how to approach them. If I look at myself, I was once like that: I'd never ever wanted to be touched in any way, not even friendly. But now I love to cuddle with someone I love. I just cant read others minds (obviously). So I'm curious, how do you handle this sort of stuff?

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