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Dating for 8 months and no "I love you"


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Hello all,

I've posted on here before about my conflicts with a man that I've been dating. We are dating exclusively.

Here I am again seeking some advice on what to do. I can honestly say that this relationship has been moving slowly and it has been a little rocky. I felt lost and confused early on and not sure if I still feel that way.

 

A few days ago, we went to dinner and the conversation of "love" came up. I guess I initiated it by saying that "love" just doesn't happen over night and that in my opinion it usually takes a while to tell someone one that you love them. To make a long story short, he said something that really got me thinking.

 

He mentioned that he was in a relationship for 3 years with a woman and he never told her that he loved her! What was so odd about this was that he told me that she got pregnant and they were going to keep the baby. I thought to myself. "He's going to have a baby with a woman that he didn't know if he loved or not?" She ended up having a miscarriage and they broke up shortly thereafter.

 

I understand that some men are not verbally expressive about their love, but he did tell me that he used to tell his last girlfriend that he loved her so, I don't know if it's just how a man feels with certain women or what, but this is really confusing to me.

 

So, I guess my concern is....if he didn't tell a woman that he was going to have a child with "I love you" --what kind of man is he really?

We've been dating for almost 8 months and he hasn't said "I love you" to me either! I don't know how long is too long to wait for a man to verbally express how he feels about you?

 

Any thoughts/opinions are greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks!

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Does he show you by actions, and not words, that he loves you? Because, they are just words.

 

And -- he may not have loved her. That he was in the relationship for sex, or companionship -- but it wasn't love. When someone says "she got pregnant" as though he wasn't part of the process -- that sounds like it wasn't "planned".

 

Anyway, there is no real time line -- people feel what they feel, and you can't force it. Do you love him?

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To give you a brief overview of his actions---

We spend almost every day together including weekends.

He's kind and includes me in outings that he's had with family and friends.

He cooks dinner for me.

But then this is why I feel lost and confused sometimes. We don't hug and kiss when we say "hello" or "goodbye"

He never holds my hand in public or when we are walking side by side.

We rarely talk about "us"---like some couples do when they are alone together.

 

I honestly don't know what to make of his actions. Our relationship is kind of weird and hard to describe.

Sometimes I feel like its not "normal". I know what love feels like and how two people that love each other act around each other and I don't see that with us.

I can honestly say that I'm beginning to feel like I love him, but I'm not going to say it first.

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This isn't about saying it first. If you know what love feels like, do you love HIM? Not the relationship, not love....HIM?

 

What if you initated the hugs and kiss hello/goodbye.

 

I did this w/ my bf, who is not demonstrative, and now it comes naturally to him.

 

What do you need to "discuss" about "us". Getting engaged? Having kids?

When you are with him, are you happy? Comfortable?

 

And btw, how do people that love each other act? Shouldn't they just be?

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It's tough. You don't want to rush anyone but you don't want to waste your time either.

In my current relationship, we began dating in May and he told me near the end of September. I remember thinking that it took awhile!

 

Well, 3-4 months is usually the normal time span it takes for someone to really know if they love you or not.

Maybe this man doesn't love me! I don't know.

And I'm beginning to think that I may be wasting my time.

The other night he mentioned that his ex- sent him a text. (They've been broken up for almost 9 months).

He said that she told him that she had a nightmare and wanted to know if he was doing ok. Funny thing is her birthday is this weekend.

I just don't know what to believe. Did she text him to see if he would reply or because she really had a nightmare about him?

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This isn't about saying it first. If you know what love feels like, do you love HIM? Not the relationship, not love....HIM?

 

What if you initated the hugs and kiss hello/goodbye.

 

I did this w/ my bf, who is not demonstrative, and now it comes naturally to him.

 

What do you need to "discuss" about "us". Getting engaged? Having kids?

When you are with him, are you happy? Comfortable?

 

And btw, how do people that love each other act? Shouldn't they just be?

 

I understand it isn't about who says "I love you" first or not. I don't know if I completely love him.

I know that I'm beginning to feel like I love him, but I'm not fully there yet.

I'm happy when I'm around him. I initiate kisses and hugs a lot of the time, but I guess I would love to see him put in his part as well.

He actually brought up the "we don't talk about us" subject in one of our arguments and I just said ok, then talk about us. And he just changed the subject.

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Well -- now we have more info.

 

You are dating a man who was single for a month in between relationships. Flag!

Depending on how that one ended, he may be reticent to express emotions-----

 

she texted him because she wants attention. And now, right in front of her bday, she "jumped" up so he would see her.

 

He told you about it. Which means he doesn't care.

 

My concern is you are more concerned about the words than the actions. Maybe he is waiting for you to say it. Maybe he has been stung before by saying it too soon. There is really no rule book.

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So, I guess my concern is....if he didn't tell a woman that he was going to have a child with "I love you" --what kind of man is he really?

 

I think that would be judging him unfairly. She consented to being intimate with him, while not being clear on where they stood, as well as knowing the consequences of that choice.

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I understand it isn't about who says "I love you" first or not. I don't know if I completely love him.

I know that I'm beginning to feel like I love him, but I'm not fully there yet.

I'm happy when I'm around him. I initiate kisses and hugs a lot of the time, but I guess I would love to see him put in his part as well.

He actually brought up the "we don't talk about us" subject in one of our arguments and I just said ok, then talk about us. And he just changed the subject.

 

Okay, so it's okay if you are uncertain if YOU love him, but it's not okay that he may still be uncertain?

If he is not used to doing it (hugs/kisses), it will take time. It was not "normal" for my bf....and now it is. You just have to be patient -- I mean, he enjoys the hugs and kisses, right?

 

And maybe, previously, his ex was always having "the talk". Do you have a need to?

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Well -- now we have more info.

 

You are dating a man who was single for a month in between relationships. Flag!

Depending on how that one ended, he may be reticent to express emotions-----

 

she texted him because she wants attention. And now, right in front of her bday, she "jumped" up so he would see her.

 

He told you about it. Which means he doesn't care.

 

My concern is you are more concerned about the words than the actions. Maybe he is waiting for you to say it. Maybe he has been stung before by saying it too soon. There is really no rule book.

 

Yes, I thought about it as well. The red flag that he may have started seeing me too soon after his break-up with the ex.

We did talk about the way I felt about the text. I told him an almost similar response --I said she contacted him to see if he would respond because she needs attention. The conversation took on a different note and he even told me that he treated her like a "princess" and she's probably realizing that right around her bday. When he said that, I felt so hurt.

Should I ask him if he's going to wish her a Happy Birthday? My first thought was --I'm not going to ask him if he's going to text her or email her to wish her a Happy Bday! I should just leave it alone.

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Okay, so it's okay if you are uncertain if YOU love him, but it's not okay that he may still be uncertain?

If he is not used to doing it (hugs/kisses), it will take time. It was not "normal" for my bf....and now it is. You just have to be patient -- I mean, he enjoys the hugs and kisses, right?

 

And maybe, previously, his ex was always having "the talk". Do you have a need to?

 

I don't have a problem with him being uncertain. Maybe he is! Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable with me yet. Maybe he's still confused about his ex. And maybe more so now that she sent him a text.

He would talk so much about her in the beginning of our relationship and most of the things he used to say were not good at all.

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Because it was only a month in his past! If he hadn't talked about her, that would be surprising.

 

He isn't confused about her -- he wouldn't have told you he got a text and that she had a dream about him. He is being open and honest w/ you.

 

And to be honest, you sound like you want to be treated like a princess, and he is treating you....like someone he genuinely cares about. Shame on him.

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You should leave it alone.

 

And he is treating you fine -- into to friends and family, cooks for you. And is open about a communication from his ex.

 

Why would you feel hurt?

 

I guess the reason why I felt hurt, is because I feel like he doesn't treat me like a princess and I understand that maybe he's not ready to do so. My friends tell me that he should be treating me like a goddess.

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Because it was only a month in his past! If he hadn't talked about her, that would be surprising.

 

He isn't confused about her -- he wouldn't have told you he got a text and that she had a dream about him. He is being open and honest w/ you.

 

And to be honest, you sound like you want to be treated like a princess, and he is treating you....like someone he genuinely cares about. Shame on him.

 

I do believe that he is confused about her. He told me the only reason he told me about the text from his ex was because he's paranoid. When they were together, she had his house tapped so that she could listen to his conversations. And he said that he was talking to his friend on the phone about a nightmare that he had about her and then suddenly she texts him saying that SHE had a nightmare about him and wanted to see if he was OK?

 

He said he wouldn't have told me if it were something different. And I also asked him how he would react if I told him I got a text from my ex. His response was "I would be indifferent to it if you got a text from your ex"

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I think it is a reasonable conversation to talk about his breakup. Ask him "did you regret not telling her you loved her?" and see what he says. If he does regret it and tells you that he won't let it happen again when the time is right, that is a good sign. I think talking about your families is important too. Did your parents always say it? Did he come from a home that never did? At this point, it is not so much that he didn't say it to you, because with a lot of guys saying i love you involves a decision. To some, it means that he has decided that you are "it" or that he is going to marry you or some other decision. Whereas for a woman its different. Some couples take a year.

 

No, he should not treat you like a goddess. That involves a pedestal. He should treat you as a valued and treasured equal.

 

I would just give this one a little extra time to sort out. He could be still healing. Figure out in the next few months whether this guy is someone who is someone who eventually sees some form of commitment in his future and what his views are on life. Then decide if he is worth waiting for. But i honestly wouldn't force things - just ask questions to learn more about it. He sounds like he is really into you, though.

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And how do you treat him?

 

I think you are being petty and expecting some fantasy relationship. I don't see anywhere where this is out of kilter, except your expectations.

 

I treat him with respect. In the beginning he had some health issues and I was there for him. I don't expect a fantasy relationship. I've been in 2 very long term relationships and I know how to treat someone that I love and care about. Maybe its just different with this man.

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I asked him how he "felt" about her the moment he told me about the text. He said he just felt paranoid.

She used to stalk him and tapped his house.

 

He was telling you how he felt about her in the present - how he feels about her being broken up and getting messages from her. That is not how he felt about her back when there might have been a baby. He did not tell her he loved her...did he regret NOT DOING THAT? or did he not feel it for her? What you are trying to find out is not about whether he is going to say the words to you right now, but if he has the capacity to love. And if he didn't love her - don't ask him this - why would he have slept with her so long.

 

Be very careful - if someone was with someone 3 months, I can see where they could say "I was dating this woman who was a bit of a stalker" but in a three year relationship, there is a reason why someone stays for 3 years. There has to be an element of the relationship that was positive. And maybe she didn't stalk him - maybe he was avoiding her or cheating and she had a reason to want to try to show up at work, or call him at odd times to get through to talk to him. Be wary of men who somehow have dated all "psychos" because you will be described as the same in the future to a new girlfriend if the relationship doesn't work out. Sure, we have all had our knocks, but more often than not, if someone is casting themselves as a sweet, long suffering man with psycho exes, not everything is kosher. But then again, every ex is a psycho if someone has not really moved on.

 

I am not trying to be a downer - but just don't rush so much into wanting to hear "i love you" yet - it seems there is a lot to sort out.

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I apologize. Maybe I didn't make myself clear about which ex. I mention 2 of his ex's in my post. 1) The ex that became pregnant, which he never said I love you to and 2) his more recent ex. The one that sent him the text and has the bday coming up. This is ex that concerns me because I feel like he still may have feelings for her.

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