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  1. #1
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    Dec 2011
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    My unrequited love/ex best friend broke NC

    So the unthinkable happened to me about a week ago. As the title says it all my ex best friend and the girl who I loved more than anything broke NC with me after 5 months. She said and I quote "Can we please be on speaking terms again? It doesn't even have to be everyday or even every week if you want the space, thats fine. Can you please just stop ignoring me?".

    Now I have responded, but I waited a bit before I did, mainly because I didn't want to jump right at her message and also because I was shocked that she would even message me. I told her that I never wanted to ignore her, but I had to leave to get over my feelings for her, which in the 5 months I have done so. We mutually agreed that we wanted to re-establish our friendship, but at a very slow pace. I'm willing to put everything that she put me through in the past and keep it behind me. I'm keeping it to limited contact, as my guard is up very high in case some feelings come floating back.

    I would like to know if anybody else has had something similar happen? If not with an unrequited love then with an ex? I'll admit I've never been in this situation before so I'm not 100% sure if I'm handling it correctly. Any stories and advice would be appreciated!

  2. #2
    Silver Member
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    do as you please,dont think too much about it
    by now she should be irrelevant in your life, so why do you care if you speak or not to her ?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    Well, that message is all about her isn't it? She doesn't want to be ignored. That's about her ego and desire to get her own way, and not about what is right for your life.

    If you have unrequited love for her and she wants you back as her 'bestie' then i don't think this is a good thing. You need to be to the point that you not only don't care, but you've moved on and have someone else in your life such that you are not dependent on her. And frankly, you just need to move on with your life and not be ANY girl's best friend. She can find a girl for that role and doesn't need you there worshipping her which is probably what she enjoyed.

    If you had very strong feelings, i'd wait at least a year before you even consider being even casual friends with her. You don't need to focus on her and filling HER needs, you need to do what is right for you which is spend your time finding a woman who does want to be your GF rather than hanging out with one you know will never be that.

    I know of far too many people where the feelings all come instantly flooding back the moment they see their unrequited love, and you DON'T want to set yourself back.

    So keep pushing forward until you have a new love in your life, and then perhaps you can have this friend in your social circle, but not too close.

    I have had a couple guys who've had unrequited love for me, and when i realized their feelings, I put a stop to the friendship because i felt it was unfair to them to have them pining for me when i knew deep down that I would never be interested in them romantically. It would have been selfish of me to try to keep them around as friends. It actually distressed me that i was hurting them and couldn't give them what they needed and wanted from me, rather than being annoyed and demanding they return to me and as friends only. So this girl is being selfish here and only thinking about herself and not what is right for you. Some people really enjoy having 'worshippers' and don't feel they owe them anything at all. If she was a true friend, she would have handled this differently to help you heal rather than make you feel guilty for 'ignoring' her.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    hi Stonecutters

    It's hard to say this without sounding kind of conceited but I think it will help you. I have been the subject of unrequited love for many of my male friends. With that said, I will say, I think some of them just didn't have anyone to like at the moment. lol.

    Anyway, there have been at least 3 situations, where my friend really was in love with me and I just saw it as friendship. And yes, I considered them best friends-- talking all the time, hanging out all the time, confiding, sharing family events etc. So I think I understand your situation.

    I would always try to be honest and not lead them on in anyway but I will admit, I liked the attention. It made me feel good that here were these great guys, that would do anything for me. At times, I wished I had romantic feelings for them. I even tried to. I genuinely think, had I been with them, I would have been treated great-- better than probably any other relationship. BUT! there's that great big BUT! I would end up feeling empty, missing that "spark" that makes a romantic relationship different than a friendship.

    I am sure you get what I mean and know all of that. What I am about to say, makes me sound like a really terrible person but I am going to say it anyway. When these guys would get fed up and try to ignore me, I didn't care. I knew they would be back. I might have a twinge of caring in a moment. late at night when it was just me and my thoughts but in general, my life continued. I have a wide circle of friends. They ebb and flow. Sometimes I am with this group, sometimes I am with that group, but in general, it doesn't bother me if a "friend" isn't a round for a time. I assume they are busy and I keep busy with my life.

    Granted, that usually doesn't cover a conflict. But there was a time when I was a total b*tch to one of them. He left me at the bar we were at. Truth is-- I probably deserved to be left. But I knew I could do whatever I wanted to this guy and he would not stay away from me. We didn't talk for months. I was so mad that he left me. I just decided that was it. I didn't want to be friends with him. What kind of a friend leaves a woman drunk in a bar? Even if I was a bi*tch.

    He went to great lengths to get me to forgive him. Eventually, I did.

    I guess my point is: you are putting a lot of thought and effort into this relationship but she is not. I think you should continue to distance yourself. You don't have to be mad or ignore her, just let yourselves continue to grow apart. In time-- like YEARS, you may be able to be friends. but you are sacrificing so much for this friendship because you love her but she isn't.

    For your own best interest, keep moving forward and find someone that returns your love. You deserve better.

    Hope this helps. In hindsight (I am many years past these college days) I would not maintain a friendship with a guy that I wasn't interested in. Life doesn't need to be so complicated. Keep it simple-- that's my motto. Although, my heart is broken from my most recent relationship, I really try to only focus on the people that focus on me. Dating is hard and it shouldn't be. If it's not working out, walk away. The world is full of people, place, and opportunities-- you don't have to "fix" everything. It's okay to decide something isn't good for you and to simply walk away.

    Make a space for someone great to come into your life. Until they do, focus on yourself. You are good enough just as you are.

    Take care....

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  6. #5
    Member
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    Dec 2011
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    Dumba, Lavender and Lambert thank you all for your answers already, you're all spot on and I really appreciate the help. In retrospect I think I needed that little kick in the butt to make me realize things won't change and to just keep moving forward. Like I said I've never been in this situation before and wasn't sure how to handle it. So thanks again!

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