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My girlfriend is bi-curious and I'm scared.


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I am so scared...

 

I had an in-depth conversation with my girlfriend of 11 months yesterday. We've discussed her sexuality before, and it has always bothered me, but not to this extent. I wanted details on her past, she says she used to be attracted to girls. She's watched lesbian porn. She says she fantasized about girls, and she told me sexual acts she thought about doing with them. I asked her if she thinks she's bi, she said a few years ago she thought so, but then she met me (lost her virginity to me), and claims that she loves sex with me now and she isn't as much into girls as before, but lesbian porn would still turn her on if she sat down and watched it. I told her I was afraid that she'd leave me for a woman, because I can't fulfill those fantasies for her. She began to cry, saying she couldn't imagine a life without me, she said I was her whole world, and then I hugged her and let her know everything was going to be okay.

 

She is not interested in doing anything with anyone else (male/female) obviously, since we're in a serious monogamous relationship, but I have been haunted ever since the conversation. She has told me numerous times that even though she likes girls, I am her number one sexual outlet. She claims she'd never want to experiment while in a relationship with me, since I made sure she knew it was off limits. The good news for me is, she seems to absolutely love sex and we do it quite frequently.

 

Basically, the problems are -

 

1. I am still scared that her bi-side will take over years down the road and she'll end up leaving me for a woman.

 

2. When I think about her with another woman, it makes my stomach sink.

 

3. I don't know if I just can't deal with it, because it's been a while, and I still can't get this out of my head.

 

We have a very loving relationship, and we have sex often, she has really shown zero signs of not wanting me physically or emotionally. Even with her reassuring, why am I so worried? Why does the mere thought of her being bi-sexual bother me so much? I'm so afraid, every time we talk about this I feel secondary, disconnected. It's so unusual. It's almost like, I'm hung up on the fact that she likes girls too and it is just not clicking in my brain. I don't know what to do. I can't leave her, everything else in this relationship is golden, but if I can't get over her sexuality...what am I supposed to do?

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Is she calling herself bi or are you calling her bi?

 

What you are describing is extremely common. Much more common than you think. It sounds like she's had the odd fantasy or two, has never acted on it and has no intention of acting on it.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that... oh... 75% of women find other women attractive to some degree and have had the odd fantasy or thought. Women are SO sexualized in the media and in society... it's almost inevitable. And all these guys who talk about how "girl on girl" is hot... and the close emotional bonds women form with each other... you are going to think about it at some point and wonder if it's something that you are into too.

 

From what you described, I wouldn't call her bi at all. (unless she calls herself that)

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Okay, the issue is not with her but with you. You are insecure and it's coming out in the relationship with the fear of her "bi" side of her.

 

She is not bi, I don't think so. She labeled herself bi-curious, said she was once attracted but discovered she was not. If she is bi, she still wants you. You need to be secure that she only wants you. And lesbian porn is nothing applying. I like lesbian porn but I am not attracted to females as that. Fantasies are far different than reality. It was her mind exploring the possibilities. But even if she is bi, she wants just you. You need to figure out how to believe in that and to be secure.

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i dont mean any disrespect with my comments or to overlook your fears so this is just my personal opinion :

not a chance in the world i would ever fear or feel uncomfortable that my partner thinks she likes somewhat other women, if any i would find it a big turn on.

again,this is just a sexual fantasy BUT if she could help her urges i would probably encourage her to experience it and to let me watch it.

this is not another man so why would i feel fear or threaten or uncomfortable?

fact is if she really cant help herself then she will do it behind your back and for that reason i wouldnt fight it. if any i would like to watch.

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If you know she truly loves you, you have to find it in your heart to know that, accept it, and go on living the happy relationship you have with your gf.

Being bi-curious does not mean she would run away with another woman.

Don't imagine or overthink this situation, cause if you do, and if she senses it, you'll push her to explore, and/or move onto someone else.

Trust her, like she trusts you.

All those labels are merely just labels. You fall in love and commit to someone, if love is true, you'll stay committed.

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So I've had a change of heart after a while. I decided maybe it was okay for my girlfriend to watch lesbian porn and let her bi-side out without having to actually experiment. I called her today and asked if she wanted to watch porn with me, I said it was time I stopped worrying so much and just embraced this side of her.

 

She refused.

 

her reasons were:

 

1. It would kill her to have me watch other naked women.

 

2. She claimed she was not interested in watching lesbian porn (???)

 

3. she claimed all she needed was me, saying "I have you, I just want you, I don't need porn nor do I have any interest in it anymore. That part of my life is over"

 

I don't know what to think. A part of me wants to believe that maybe she's right, and she's so in love with me that I'm the only thing she needs. But I kind of feel that maybe she is just saying this stuff. There has been a lot of talk about trust in this thread, I guess I should accept her words and trust what she's saying. I mean, I openly offered her a chance to watch porn and she denied me pretty quick, maybe this was just a phase in her life that I ended...

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Trust is a tricky thing like faith, you can't just say I guess I should just have to trust her and that is the end of that. No one on here could ever give you any conclusive evidence that would put your fears to rest because that is the nature of trust. I do believe that men and women are a lot different in a lot of ways especially in the area of sexuality. It could very well be that my beliefs are clouded by the fact that I am gay. I would say consider the possibility that your idea of bisexuality is not the same as your girlfriends.

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I was exactly in a similar situation like you and my ex's urges has gone high and she told me several times she wanted to experiment with her lesbian friend. I said I can't accept it but she cheated on me in the end, they ended up having sex.

Ask her again about her interests and make a decision mate, there are many women who watch lesbian porn, do stuff with their female friends behind their boyfriends' back.

Western society is so obsessed with the female form and we've been taught from childhood that female body parts as beautiful and male body parts as ugly or inferior when compared to female, so no wonder why women like other women and are very hypocritical when the situation is reversed i.e., women experimenting with other women as cool and men experimenting with other men as disgusting.

I'm dating an Asian girl now, she is very straight and appreciates the male form and we have an amazing sex life.

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I was exactly in a similar situation like you and my ex's urges has gone high and she told me several times she wanted to experiment with her lesbian friend. I said I can't accept it but she cheated on me in the end, they ended up having sex.

Ask her again about her interests and make a decision mate, there are many women who watch lesbian porn, do stuff with their female friends behind their boyfriends' back.

Western society is so obsessed with the female form and we've been taught from childhood that female body parts as beautiful and male body parts as ugly or inferior when compared to female, so no wonder why women like other women and are very hypocritical when the situation is reversed i.e., women experimenting with other women as cool and men experimenting with other men as disgusting.

I'm dating an Asian girl now, she is very straight and appreciates the male form and we have an amazing sex life.

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You would be amazed at how many women look at lesbian porn and fantasize about having sex with other women. Trust me.

 

Like others have said, the problem isn't with her, it's with you. You are insecure and you are using this "bicuriousness" as an outlet for your insecurities. Imagine she had never told you about any of this bicurious stuff. Would you have thought she was going to cheat on you then? I'm assuming no. But why not? Do you think you're the most attractive man she will ever meet? Probably not. Do you think you have enough sexual skills to satisfy her in every way possible? Probably not.

 

I'm not saying this to make you more insecure. But you shouldn't assume she's going to cheat/leave you just because she might be bicurious. If you trusted her up to this point, there's no reason to not trust her now. It's not like being straight made her never notice any other guy. If she didn't leave you for them, she probably won't leave you for a woman.

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I honestly didn't know much about whether women looked at lesbian porn. You made some great points, this post has really helped me. I think I just made a big deal out of nothing and I am ready to move on with the relationship now. It is truly amazing, we seem perfect for each other, and despite my insecurities my girlfriend has been supportive and understanding all the way, something that maybe someone else wouldn't have done. Thank you all so much for your help.

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There isn't a *problem* with you. I think it's just a semantics thing. I consider myself bisexual. I'm kind of like your gf. I've only been with one person, and that's my boyfriend, who I love to death and I don't want anyone else. I don't need to have sex with a woman to know whether or not I'm attracted to women. You knew that you liked girls before you slept with one, didn't you?

 

It might help to think about it in terms of something other than gender. Personally, I'm just attracted to people. Not ALL people, but being male or female doesn't rule them out for me. I realize that race and gender are not the same in a lot of ways, but for me, they bear about the same weight as far as attractiveness goes. It's about the same as if I said I was attracted to black guys AND white guys. Just because I think that black guys are attractive, it doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on my white boyfriend with a black guy. I don't have to live out a fantasy with a black guy. I'm in love with my boyfriend, and I want to be with him and no one else. I find people who don't look exactly like him to be attractive. It doesn't mean that I find them MORE attractive. Just attractive in a different way. My love for him makes him the most attractive person in the world to me.

 

I don't know if this is helpful or not. On the porn issue, though, I don't know what to tell you. Personally, I like lesbian porn better, but only because straight porn has so much hitting and hair-pulling and anal and I am just *not* into that at all.

 

Good luck!

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I'm in a similar situation and just broke it off. Wish I had a majic wand to make this thing easier. Time is the essence..

 

I was reasearching this when I found this thread and this gem of a site. Yes, I guess I'm not alone..

 

No, there isn't anything wrong with you and you're not insecure. She is, and you shouldn't have to put up with that. You can't be her therapist. Society makes it way too easy on screwed up people and make it seem like those who are normal are the ones that is the problem..

 

Ain't no easy solution here. If it's bothering, then it's bothering and you're not the problem. She is..

 

She should seek therapy as this kind of thing can bring down a marriage and a life together..

 

You've heard it a billion times. There are plenty of fish in the ocean but that won't help when you're stuck on someone.

 

You just have to work on it and meet someone who's normal.. You won't believe the relief you get..

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No, there isn't anything wrong with you and you're not insecure. She is, and you shouldn't have to put up with that. You can't be her therapist. Society makes it way too easy on screwed up people and make it seem like those who are normal are the ones that is the problem..

 

Ain't no easy solution here. If it's bothering, then it's bothering and you're not the problem. She is..

 

She should seek therapy as this kind of thing can bring down a marriage and a life together..

 

As a FYI, any reputable therapist is not going to see bisexuality as something that they can or should "fix". Bisexuals can and do have strong relationships and practice monogamy. Whether you're attracted to men, women, or both, the principles of monogamy aren't going to change.

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