We've been dating for almost a year and a half, and I feel like my boyfriend just isn't interested in sex. He is 18, I'm 21. He's supposed to be in his prime time of sexual energy. I've been completely open with him, and I've told him exactly how I feel. We haven't done it for a month and a half, and he is moving far away for 2 months of the summer to work and he has full intentions of staying with me. He is madly in love with me, I would have to say that I think he loves me more than I love him. Lately we have been fighting a lot because I'm having a hard time dealing with his immaturity, and sometimes he comes off as rude to me and others but doesn't realize it. But I see that he is working extremely hard to fix things, and so far so good, and it makes me want to stay. We've been getting along more lately.. but he won't initiate sex!!!
I've put my foot down and stopped initiating it, because I'm sick of being rejected, feeling like a fool, and feeling like I'm some kind of sex animal always begging for it from my boyfriend. A month and a half of no sex is the result. Sometimes he will get me turned on, like touch me in certain places on purpose or like check me out and say something like "damn", or actually feel me down there over my clothes and make me think that he's going to actually initiate something but then all of a sudden stops and cuddles. Lately when he tries to give my butt a little spank, which he randomly does a lot, I just get mad and tell him to stop. Like if he doesn't wanna have sex or foreplay even, then why are you continuing to behave like this? It's like he is taunting me, and making me feel like an idiot. You can't just tease your girlfriend/boyfriend, and then never give them something.
In the past, I used sex as a coping way of boosting my self-esteem, and I kind of still do (I know bad, but true). And he knows this too. My boyfriend can tell me I'm beautiful a million times, but the truth is that actions speak louder than words, and I need sex to make me feel desirable.. I NEED him to initiate it once in a while, to make me think that he can't keep his hands off of me. The other day I went on chatroulette.com and flirted and then stripped for a guy on webcam. I have never cheated on my boyfriend, but I needed someone to think and tell me that I was sexually desirable. I feel HORRIBLE for doing this, but I can't help it, I have a history of depression, and I can't just sit there and be depressed about this, so I seeked it else where.
Yesterday he hurt my feelings. I tried teasing him a little bit by changing my shirt in my room, but not letting him see my breasts, I actually have been covering myself up when changing lately. He says to me: "I don't care that you won't show them to me, I've seen them a million times already." and laughs... (this is what I mean by rude, hence arguments). I brushed it off, and said fine I won't show you them then. I've also shaved down there (which he loves), and when were in bed and cuddling, I'll mention that I shaved today, and he will pull my underwear down to look, then pull it back up and not do anything about it.
Then I straight up ask him, why don't you want to have sex? And he says, it isn't my priority in a relationship, it has less importance. I've explain to him so many times, that sex is extremely important to me within a relationship, it keeps the bond together for me. This isn't something new he's saying either, he's said this from the start of being together, and I've explained this from the start as well. I then point out how long it's been, and it doesn't phase him at all. When I tease him, he doesn't care. I feel like a failure when it comes to turning him on. I feel like an idiot when I try to be sexy.
And I also know he is not cheating on me, like 100% sure, we spend like almost everyday together. He tells me he barely watches porn too, but I have no idea if he is lying about that one or not. I watch porn like once a day now... it feels pathetic to me. I've told him about how much porn I'm watching, but he doesn't get that I watch it because he won't have sex with me. I have also contracted HPV (found out 5 months ago). But I don't think that is the problem, because he seems to be okay with it, supports me well, and he devalued sex before I found out I had it, but maybe I'm wrong.
Do you guys think he is just not a sexual person and actually doesn't value sex as much as I do. Or do you think it is something more? I'm becoming very upset about this, and I don't want to cheat on him. I'm having urges to flirt with other guys and tease them, but not go full out with sex. I just really need to feel desired, that's all.