Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18
  1. #1
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    310

    Why isn't my boyfriend interested in sex?

    We've been dating for almost a year and a half, and I feel like my boyfriend just isn't interested in sex. He is 18, I'm 21. He's supposed to be in his prime time of sexual energy. I've been completely open with him, and I've told him exactly how I feel. We haven't done it for a month and a half, and he is moving far away for 2 months of the summer to work and he has full intentions of staying with me. He is madly in love with me, I would have to say that I think he loves me more than I love him. Lately we have been fighting a lot because I'm having a hard time dealing with his immaturity, and sometimes he comes off as rude to me and others but doesn't realize it. But I see that he is working extremely hard to fix things, and so far so good, and it makes me want to stay. We've been getting along more lately.. but he won't initiate sex!!!

    I've put my foot down and stopped initiating it, because I'm sick of being rejected, feeling like a fool, and feeling like I'm some kind of sex animal always begging for it from my boyfriend. A month and a half of no sex is the result. Sometimes he will get me turned on, like touch me in certain places on purpose or like check me out and say something like "damn", or actually feel me down there over my clothes and make me think that he's going to actually initiate something but then all of a sudden stops and cuddles. Lately when he tries to give my butt a little spank, which he randomly does a lot, I just get mad and tell him to stop. Like if he doesn't wanna have sex or foreplay even, then why are you continuing to behave like this? It's like he is taunting me, and making me feel like an idiot. You can't just tease your girlfriend/boyfriend, and then never give them something.

    In the past, I used sex as a coping way of boosting my self-esteem, and I kind of still do (I know bad, but true). And he knows this too. My boyfriend can tell me I'm beautiful a million times, but the truth is that actions speak louder than words, and I need sex to make me feel desirable.. I NEED him to initiate it once in a while, to make me think that he can't keep his hands off of me. The other day I went on chatroulette.com and flirted and then stripped for a guy on webcam. I have never cheated on my boyfriend, but I needed someone to think and tell me that I was sexually desirable. I feel HORRIBLE for doing this, but I can't help it, I have a history of depression, and I can't just sit there and be depressed about this, so I seeked it else where.

    Yesterday he hurt my feelings. I tried teasing him a little bit by changing my shirt in my room, but not letting him see my breasts, I actually have been covering myself up when changing lately. He says to me: "I don't care that you won't show them to me, I've seen them a million times already." and laughs... (this is what I mean by rude, hence arguments). I brushed it off, and said fine I won't show you them then. I've also shaved down there (which he loves), and when were in bed and cuddling, I'll mention that I shaved today, and he will pull my underwear down to look, then pull it back up and not do anything about it.

    Then I straight up ask him, why don't you want to have sex? And he says, it isn't my priority in a relationship, it has less importance. I've explain to him so many times, that sex is extremely important to me within a relationship, it keeps the bond together for me. This isn't something new he's saying either, he's said this from the start of being together, and I've explained this from the start as well. I then point out how long it's been, and it doesn't phase him at all. When I tease him, he doesn't care. I feel like a failure when it comes to turning him on. I feel like an idiot when I try to be sexy.

    And I also know he is not cheating on me, like 100% sure, we spend like almost everyday together. He tells me he barely watches porn too, but I have no idea if he is lying about that one or not. I watch porn like once a day now... it feels pathetic to me. I've told him about how much porn I'm watching, but he doesn't get that I watch it because he won't have sex with me. I have also contracted HPV (found out 5 months ago). But I don't think that is the problem, because he seems to be okay with it, supports me well, and he devalued sex before I found out I had it, but maybe I'm wrong.

    Do you guys think he is just not a sexual person and actually doesn't value sex as much as I do. Or do you think it is something more? I'm becoming very upset about this, and I don't want to cheat on him. I'm having urges to flirt with other guys and tease them, but not go full out with sex. I just really need to feel desired, that's all.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    124
    Quote Originally Posted by vix8 View Post
    And I also know he is not cheating on me, like 100% sure, we spend like almost everyday together. He tells me he barely watches porn too, but I have no idea if he is lying about that one or not. I watch porn like once a day now... it feels pathetic to me. I've told him about how much porn I'm watching, but he doesn't get that I watch it because he won't have sex with me. I have also contracted HPV (found out 5 months ago). But I don't think that is the problem, because he seems to be okay with it, supports me well, and he devalued sex before I found out I had it, but maybe I'm wrong.
    I don't want to burst this bubble, but that could very WELL be a possibility. Believe me, when my ex and I were dating, we spent "like almost every day together." We went to work together, came home, spent our evenings together... if someone is going to cheat, they WILL find a way to do it.

    Early on into our relationship my ex started acting this way. Not initiating sex when previously we had been doing it so much. How was your sex life with him prior to all of this?

    I write a lot, in journals, etc, so close to two years into our relationship he came to me and said he had to tell me something, and it was that he cheated. He cheated 4 months into our relationship because he was feeling confused about an ex situation and yeah, it happened. Despite how much time we had spent together, you're not there with him 24/7. I went back into my journals and went back to the dates he said it happened, and lo and behold there were my feelings. "We don't have a sex life anymore."

    BE CAREFUL with making such statements like you know him so well. I thought I knew my ex 110%. Turns out I didn't know him at all.

  3. #3
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    310
    I don't want to think that because my ex cheated on me, and my I used to go crazy thinking my boyfriend has, and I've actually come a long way in believing that he won't. He has no girls I don't know about on facebook, or any new numbers in his phone, I actually don't think that he would. It could be a possibility, but I'm scared I'll drive myself crazy thinking about it. Our sex life was really good when it happened, the communication was there, and we both pleased each other as we expected. I just don't understand why he doesn't care to anymore.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    50
    Posts
    4,394
    Gender
    Male
    18 and isn't interested in sex? WOW!

    For what ever reason he doesn't desire sex as much as you or basically at all. I just don't get it at all personally. The thing is that it doesn't matter if you understand or agree with his feelings, the only thing that matters is that you accept that you both want totally different things in a relationship.

    The way he treats you is not right and is probably because he is 18 but that is no excuse. Doing the webcam stripping was not a good idea and basically cheating.

    Look who you have become because of all this. I think you know it is time to end this relationship before he leaves. He needs to grow up and you need to keep working on your self esteem so you don't need validation from anyone to feel good about yourself.

    Love just isn't enough to fix what is wrong here.
    I am sorry

    Lost
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness;
    Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

  5. #5
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    310
    I can't leave him though I love him so much. We've come such a long way in fixing a lot of things in our relationship, It just seems silly to me that something like sex would ruin it.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    50
    Posts
    4,394
    Gender
    Male
    The intimacy of sex is very important in a relationship. Letting your guard down and enjoying each other completly helps bond you to each other.


    This is more than no sex by the way. Look closely at what you have written. You love him so much but you took your clothes off on webcam for a stranger. What next? Physical cheating?

    There are times when people just aren't meant to be together no matter how much they love each other. For a relationship to grow there has to be Love and Respect. From what you have said it appears he doesn't respect you very much.

    This isn't silly and it is very important to you but he simply doesn't care about your feelings and has proven he doesn't care about sex. This is a deal breaker I am afraid. There is no solution if he doesn't want sex and you do.

    Lost
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness;
    Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

  7. #7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    124
    Quote Originally Posted by vix8 View Post
    I don't want to think that because my ex cheated on me, and my I used to go crazy thinking my boyfriend has, and I've actually come a long way in believing that he won't. He has no girls I don't know about on facebook, or any new numbers in his phone, I actually don't think that he would. It could be a possibility, but I'm scared I'll drive myself crazy thinking about it. Our sex life was really good when it happened, the communication was there, and we both pleased each other as we expected. I just don't understand why he doesn't care to anymore.
    Exactly. He WAS having sex with you, things WERE good, and now there's a sudden and drastic shift. Something happened. My ex was super sneaky about this too. I had been a bit suspicious because his ex at the time would NOT go away. She would show up to parties, and she was just constantly around. I would go to him and ask why and he'd just shrug and say he had no idea. I just had nagging feelings though. Exes don't hang around for no reason. So one day he was at my house and logged into his email and I forgot all about that. I went to go check MY email and I noticed it was still logged into his. So just to ease my mind a bit I checked the inbox to see if there was anything between them two. Nothing. I also checked his phone one night and scrolled through the contacts, his Facebook messages, his texts. NOTHING.

    I'm not an advocate of snooping but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

    Either way, I FOUND NOTHING. So that put my mind at ease.

    Fast forward to the 2 year mark when he confesses. He must have been really good at hiding the contact with her, deleting messages, and just overall cleaning up his tracks. But it made sense then why she was always lingering, and why she never went away. He basically led her to believe that we were having such bad times, and that he'd go back to her. He didn't, in the end, and she slowly faded away.

  8. #8
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    124
    Quote Originally Posted by vix8 View Post
    I can't leave him though I love him so much. We've come such a long way in fixing a lot of things in our relationship, It just seems silly to me that something like sex would ruin it.
    Sex is actually a HUGE part of a successful relationship. Beyond things like honesty, trust, communication, respect and love, an active healthy, and satisfying sex life NEEDS to be in place in order for a relationship to go on. If there is no sex life, what is he? He's a roommate.

  9. #9
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    310
    So then how do I fix this. Because I don't want to give up. I just texted him now saying we need to talk about something today that is bothering me.

  10. #10
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    124
    Quote Originally Posted by vix8 View Post
    So then how do I fix this. Because I don't want to give up. I just texted him now saying we need to talk about something today that is bothering me.
    You need to get to the root of the problem, and I'm guessing it's honestly something he's not telling you. If he has cheated on you, he most certainly isn't going to be honest about it, and accusing him won't work either. But obviously something is up. You've already gone to him previously about how you don't feel satisfied, and you've tried seducing him, and neither of these things have worked.

    When you do sit down to talk, tell him you feel something is off, and wrong. Tell him that you used to have a sex life, and now you don't and you're feeling like there's a reason for that, that's he's not telling you. Maybe he's lost the attraction for you, maybe he cheated, maybe he's depressed. It could be any number of things, but whatever is going on to make him pull away from you sexually isn't going to be a good thing and he needs to get to the root of it, or just be honest with you.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Related Articles & Books
by Margarita Nahapetyan
One of the biggest causes of stress and unhappiness in life are failed relationships. Making a relationship work is one of the most important life ...
by Margarita Nahapetyan
It has been universally acknowledged that having a long distance relationship is not such a good idea, especially if there is no known end-date to ...
by Margarita Nahapetyan
Some people say that when we deeply love or care about someone we automatically open the door to betrayal. I am not sure whether such statement holds ...
 

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Expert Advice

Online
Call
$1.75/minute
25+ YEARS EXPERIENCE. Repair and restore the joy of your relationship by alleviating sexual dissatisfaction, dysfunction and a wide variety of sexual challenges.
Online
Chat
$2.99/minute
A lot of people have trouble in their sex lives but almost all these problems can be solved. Talk with a friendly non-judgemental Therapist about it and improve your life!
Online
Chat
$2.49/minute
Expert in dealing with all types of relationships and sexual issues including LGBT, BDSM, Fetishes, and much more... contact me for advice.
Away
Email
$3/minute
Caring professional willing to talk about all types of sexual issues. Serious, open discussions with the ages of 18 and older.
Away
Email
$4.99/minute
Make your Sex Life Better, even amazing! I can help you learn how; Desire, LGBT, BD/SM, Fetish, Cross Dressing, Performance, Porn Addiction