suicide prevention hotline in USA suicide prevention hotline in USA
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  1. #1
    Member LulzSec's Avatar
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    Best way to kill yourself? I'm fairly set on doing it and don't want to fail..

    Hello everyone.. I know we don't know each other but I'd like to take a moment to explain my situation to you, and then seek your assistance in what my course of action should be. I know this is going to be a huge wall of text, but I only ask that you take into SERIOUS consideration what I am going through, and subsequently advise accordingly, objectively and based on what you would do in the same shoes as me.

    My name is V (not really but, Anonymity is essential for me in every aspect in my life.. and this is no different) about 5 years ago (I am 18 now) my life really started to go down hill.

    I use to be very active, skateboarding, bike riding and daily adventures into the wilderness were my thing! Then one day at school, I made a terrible mistake. A soccer ball went over the fence, and into a forest surrounding the schools perimeter. So I went after it. Shortly after emerging from the woods, I developed a rash and swollen tongue. Fearing some kind of major allergic reaction to something encountered in the woods, I went home and to the doctors. That was the beginning of the end to a normal life...

    As days went on, the rash persisted and the swollen tongue would come and go. As time passed these symptoms appeared to spread in strange ways. It wasn't long before the swollen tongue was gone, but my wrists and ankles/feet started to swell instead causing me to lose a lot of mobility and physical activity.

    Then, the rash went away only to reappear with a vengance on my arms/legs (instead of my chest where it originally was). After consulting plenty of doctors they concluded I had allergies and started giving me weekly shots which did nothing.

    Soon after being diagnosed with bad allergies, I started feeling CONSTANT pain in my extremities. My legs and arms started to feel like they were being chopped off, crushed by a truck and electrocuted all at the same time, along with the itchy rashes and extreme swelling. So the doctors did countless tests, looking for just about anything you can imagine.. even things that made no sense at all.. so, to their credit at least they tried.. I guess. However, at this point I could no longer do any of the physical activities/sports I use to and I was mainly confined to my room/computer... so their effort didn't, and still doesn't, mean a GOD DAMN thing to me.

    Eventually (About a year or so into this evolving nightmare), I ended up being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at Sick Kids hospital in Toronto. They basically said "You are going to be in agony for the rest of your life, we can't give you anything for it, all you can do is exercise.. now GTFO"

    Since then (course of about 4 years), I have been diagnosed with: Reynauds Disease, A pretty bad Heart Arrhythmia, Scoliosis, Osteoarthritis in the neck, 2 mysterious lumps (I know one is in my spine, the other I forget) which have still not been identified as either malignant or otherwise... so that's fun, and a few other things like a very very severe sleep disorder. I would go into detail about those but.. I think I've already established that my body is a lemon so, no need. I will say though, that now I not only get to deal with the chronic leg/arm pain, but now my back constantly feels like it is completely asleep/being electrocuted as well. That is due to extreme nerve pain from Scoliosis/Osteoarthritis in my back.

    I also on sleep on average about 2 - 3 hours a night due to my sleep disorder which has been going on for as long as I can remember, even before all the other medical issues started popping up. This has caused me to have very bad memory, patience and self control in terms of expressing anger. I will EXPLODE at almost anything that happens to me, provided I have some kind of justification... most times though, the justification for freaking out is pretty slim. My point was I don't go around yelling or freaking on people for nothing... but it doesn't take much to get me going these days. Thankfully, I have always had a good control on my physical actions. I am the only person in my house who has NEVER hit somebody outside of self defense (being hit first, or multiple times) which is funny because everyone in my house thinks IM the dangerous one.

    I have thought about the long term implications of all these diagnosis' on my life, and I can honestly say that I will never accept being in pain like this, never. Especially without relief... which, by the way I have to get from a certain plant that puts me in risk for legal troubles. Just great! BUT that plant is the only thing that has ever even REMOTELY phased my pain (and I have been on hundreds of medications throughout the years.. maybe thousands. Not a single one has ever had any noticeable effect on my physical pain or depression).

    Then, my entire family hates me. According to everybody I live with, I am the source of all evil/problems in the universe. With that said, I'm not exactly in a good atmosphere for support. To give you an idea, my Mother, step father, brother and step sister all use to tell me that I was faking my illnesses to get out of school and other responsibilities. They also try to demonize me about EVERYTHING, how loud I walk, (my legs are screwed beyond belief, causing me to walk loud and all they do is complain about it) how loud my music is ect ect. Everything I do is subject to criticism/attack from the rest of my family.

    And, something I wanted to get off my chest was that recently my step father decided to assault me after an argument, he tried to choke me out and then tried to push me down a flight of stairs when I fought back (for getting out of the choke and punching him in the face.) I ended up calling the police, but like every other system in this world, they failed to do what is right/needed. Since then things have been very awkward, you could say it's almost all out war between me and most people in the house now.....

    I am at the point now where I just stay in my room 100% of the time, depressed, angry, mad at the world, mad at myself and feeling very suicidal. All I have in life is my reptiles, my computer and my friends on the internet who have shown more genuine concern/care for me than my family ever has.

    I have lost all my best friends too, for various reasons. I am kind of a misanthrope though so that doesn't bother me much... I just wish I had ONE person to talk to consistently in person... that's it. Besides that, everybody else who forces me to associate with them on a daily basis can rot for all I care.

    Since things have started getting worse, I have been reading and researching possible ways out... I know that a methadone OD is a pretty easy way to go, or so I've heard.. and just wanted to know what you guys think about that? If I am going to kill myself soon, or eventually, I want to be sure I do it right, and not end up worse off. I am really afraid to do something really painful though.. so unless I had a gun, a lot of methadone, a lot of heroin or some other painless subconscious suicide plan, I don't think I'd do anything. But I want a plan in case I ever get to a point where I'm just 1000% done and I am going to kill myself anyways.. that way I wont have to do something grotesquely painful.


    I have so so much more to say but I guess I'll end it there, any advise/opinions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for anybody willing to take time to assist.

  2. #2
    Member tabbyloves's Avatar
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    I don't have any of those illnesses and I'm sorry that you do, but i do understand why you want to kill yourself. I've been contemplating that myself quite alot lately...and want to do it the right way aswell. So I'm sorry i don't have any advice on how to do it right but i know the feeling of wanting to die.

  3. #3
    Member LulzSec's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tabbyloves View Post
    I don't have any of those illnesses and I'm sorry that you do, but i do understand why you want to kill yourself. I've been contemplating that myself quite alot lately...and want to do it the right way aswell. So I'm sorry i don't have any advice on how to do it right but i know the feeling of wanting to die.
    Thanks for understanding, I know I am a good person, smart ect but I am just broken in every way possible... and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to fix even SOME of those issues... and even if I do, it would take 9 lives to fix everything and finally be content and happy with my condition/life. I just don't know what to do besides taking my life.

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the same about taking your life, I truly am. All I can do is ask that you don't do it. I don't know your personality but I thought I'd say that my decision about suicide is about 50% me and 50% what I cannot control about me... What I'm saying is that as a person, you need to look at yourself as a whole and decide when the benefits of life are outweighed by the freedom of death. A lot of people take their life based on one insignificant thing pushing them over the edge. Don't let that happen to you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Victoria66's Avatar
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    Is there any way you can leave the house and not live there? Can you get any kind of disability pension? I think you would at least start to feel better emotionally if you did not live in such a toxic environment. You can call Children's Aid and maybe they can help you about the assault, or Adult protective services. There is NO need whatsoever for you to live with people who assault you. None whatsoever. There is a very loving member of our forum who has Fibromyalgia and other conditions and would have A LOT of insight for you. Stress makes all the conditions you have listed worse. I think it would go a long way if you leave home.
    Sept 23/2014 Asperger's diagnosis for my son. " in a box not a bottle"

    If you judge people you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa

    Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest

    As for Me and My House We Will Serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

    Life only goes around once but never again~~Fred Stobaugh

  5. #5
    Member LulzSec's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 View Post
    Is there any way you can leave the house and not live there? Can you get any kind of disability pension? I think you would at least start to feel better emotionally if you did not live in such a toxic environment. You can call Children's Aid and maybe they can help you about the assault, or Adult protective services. There is NO need whatsoever for you to live with people who assault you. None whatsoever. There is a very loving member of our forum who has Fibromyalgia and other conditions and would have A LOT of insight for you. Stress makes all the conditions you have listed worse. I think it would go a long way if you leave home.
    I have been looking for a way to move out, unfortunately going on disability is my only option there.. and I'm not sure how that will work out due to Canada's red tape involved in the matter. I will definitely try though, I have often said/thought that if I could just get out of this house and into an independent situation I'd be a lot better off and may not be so inclined to kill myself, or get close to killing myself as I have before...

    One of the only problems with moving out now, is that I have 5 snakes, 1 lizard and one cat but I have seen plenty of people move with an even bigger zoo so I'm not overly concerned in that regard.

    Moving out is probably one of the last solutions available, so I am willing to try before doing something drastic.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Victoria66's Avatar
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    I am Canadian as well. Yes, you can probably get on disability. It takes time though. Are there any friends you can move in with? I would contact Children's Aid they may also be able to help you as you are only 18. I know you love your pets BUT your own life and sanity need saving. Know what I mean?
    Sept 23/2014 Asperger's diagnosis for my son. " in a box not a bottle"

    If you judge people you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa

    Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest

    As for Me and My House We Will Serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

    Life only goes around once but never again~~Fred Stobaugh

  7. #7
    Member LulzSec's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 View Post
    I am Canadian as well. Yes, you can probably get on disability. It takes time though. Are there any friends you can move in with? I would contact Children's Aid they may also be able to help you as you are only 18. I know you love your pets BUT your own life and sanity need saving. Know what I mean?
    That's good to hear, I'll see if I can make it happen then! I haven't even tried to get disability until now because I was put off by the uncertainty/ process in general, now I am much more willing to go through it though. Besides that, I don't have any friends I could live with honestly.. I don't even really have any close family to go live with, besides my uncle who I would LOVE to live with.. despite one problem.. he is the brother of my biological father, and they still see each other. If I ever saw my real father again, he would be dead.

    I love my pets beyond what I can articulate, I often wonder how I am going to react when I lose my cat.. she is 12 years old and has been with me since she was a little kitten. Me and her have a very special bond and the same is true of my Reptiles. I don't think I could leave my pets, that would be the last straw. Then, i'd REALLY be completely alone.

    Right now, I have nobody. Not a single person, even my friend who said she would help me through all of this has pretty much abandoned me, so if I had to give up my pets for any reason I'd really be done... they are the only beings I truly love and care for anymore, and they show the same back to me unconditionally. I can't get rid of that..

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Victoria66's Avatar
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    It is possible to get disability. I would start the process. It can be a bit long though. My father is on disability and has been for years because of heart issues and severe mental health issues. I know it IS possible. You might get the run around but please keep plugging away at it. I would call CAS and Adult Protective Services and see what can be done. There is no way you should have to live where people assault you. You can also tell your dr you are being abused. You can ask the police to take you out of there.

    I understand about your pets. Really. I know they provide you love but they can not protect you or feed you or pay your rent. You may not have to get rid of them, some places will allow them. Really search around. You may also be able to claim Welfare, have you checked into that?
    Sept 23/2014 Asperger's diagnosis for my son. " in a box not a bottle"

    If you judge people you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa

    Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest

    As for Me and My House We Will Serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

    Life only goes around once but never again~~Fred Stobaugh

  9. #9
    Am i able to private message you please?

  10. #10
    Member LulzSec's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 View Post
    It is possible to get disability. I would start the process. It can be a bit long though. My father is on disability and has been for years because of heart issues and severe mental health issues. I know it IS possible. You might get the run around but please keep plugging away at it. I would call CAS and Adult Protective Services and see what can be done. There is no way you should have to live where people assault you. You can also tell your dr you are being abused. You can ask the police to take you out of there.

    I understand about your pets. Really. I know they provide you love but they can not protect you or feed you or pay your rent. You may not have to get rid of them, some places will allow them. Really search around. You may also be able to claim Welfare, have you checked into that?
    How would I go about even beginning the process? I am open to either welfare or disability really, I need my own source of income anyways at this point so I definitely need to get on it.

    As far as the abuse, thankfully it is fairly rare that that kind of thing happens, still doesn't justify it or make it any better I guess. I'd have to really think about calling the police/CAS ect to have me removed... don't get me wrong, that's basically what I want but at the same time I don't know how I will be alone... I am very independent and all that, it just seems that everything I do or touch turns to * * * * instead of gold so I do worry about living alone or somewhere else where they don't have such a commitment to me.. My parents may hate me, but so long as they are considered my parents under law they are legally obliged to provide for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by itsthethoughtthatcounts View Post
    Am i able to private message you please?
    Sure! I don't bite I promise. Lol

    Well, I am in a slightly better mood for some reason so here's a very random joke:

    So a Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says: "You can't be in here.. you're sacrilegious!"
    The Higgs Boson looks at the priest strangely and replies: "But how will you then have MASS, Noobs?"

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