My mom is having an affair with a married man! Please help me!

A little over a year ago my mom met this guy at my brother's work. They would joke around a lot, but that was about it. Me and my sister were always with her at these times. About 5 months ago, I think, we were walking out of the store and the guy gave my mom his card and said to email him so he could have her email address to send her jokes and things. She emailed him. I didn't think anything of it, but she was on her email every morning going back and forth with someone. I figured it was her sister, but it wasn't.

One day when my mom and me were out, we called my brother and asked him to check my mom's email for something. When we got home my brother pulled me aside and asked who this guy was. It was the guy from the store. He said her inbox was filled with emails from him and my brother opened one because he though it was something from my aunt because they email a lot. He showed me some of the emails. They said things like "wear something nice when you come in today so I can spank you."

I asked her about it and she said it was all in joking. Me and my sister went to the store with her after that and every time my mom would see him, she would stop and talk to him for over 30 minutes. They still joke around a lot, but there were some mild sexual jokes happening there too, right in front of me (19) and my 15 year old sister.

Within the last month or so, my mom had been going to this store my herself. Sometimes she'll say she's going one place and she'll come home with things from that store, so she's lying about it. A few days ago my sister told me she saw my mom texting one day when she was picking her up from school and she got in the car. She said she asked my mom if it was my brother and my mom stuttered and said yes but my sister saw the word "p _s s_ " (not sure if that word is allowed on here, but you can take a guess what it was). My sister told me about it because we believed my mom about joking around through email, but now that he has her number, it's a whole new level of inappropriate.

Today, I was in the car with my mom. Whenever she's driving she always lets whoever is in the passenger's side look at her texts. This time when the phone went off, she tried to grab it out of my hand, but I'd already read the text by then. Let's just say it was someone saying she was a horny "f" ing "c" word. (if that makes sense)

I just said "what the...?" and my younger brother was in the back seat so I stayed quiet about it because I knew he'd jump down her throat about it. When I got home I told her I was going to get coffee and I slammed the door and left, so she knew I had seen it. I was gone for 4 hours just driving around. I got a text from her saying "you can stay angry for as long as you want. That text was from a friend that is obviously partying too much. Where the hell are you?"

I'm guessing some people don't take this as cheating technically, but even though there's no physical aspect of it that I can tell, it's still cheating. My mom has a boyfriend she's been with for over a year and this guy is married and has been for as least 20 years. This thing they have going on is so inappropriate. I'm 19 and I've never texted a boyfriend something like that. And that fact that she's trying to hide it from everyone is making it obvious she knows it's wrong.

What do I do? I already answered her text and told her she has no respect for herself and I feel like I'm having to set an example for my sister because she isn't. What else can I do?

I'd just focus on moving out as soon as possible. You can't make your mom stop lying and cheating, so the best thing you can do for yourself is to stay away from her.

For right now, keep you interactions with her to as little as possible. When you do go back home simple say, "Mom, I am hurt by what I saw and I am very disappointed in you. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Goodnight."

Be a good example to you you sisters and once you move out write you mom a letter expressing exactly what you feel.

I know this is going to sound cruel...but

Mind your OWN business! My mom also cheated on my dad, and I also found out through email. I felt very betrayed... of course. I was much youger being only 13.

Your mom is a GROWN UP. She is an adult, and her needs are likely just not being met at home anymore. You NEED to stay out of her business, and let her llive her life. Walk away from her inappropriate behavior, do not discuss it....and STAY OUT OF IT.

You are her child, and her romantic life has NOTHING to do with you. None. At All. She should not have to choose between her child, and something that is currently making her happy. Especially because you and your siblings thought that snooping was a good idea. Why would you think it was NEVER acceptable to go through your mothers email? Seriously?

I know this isn't what you want to hear.... I know that you think your mom is wrong, and you feel like you need to fix it. Trust me.

But right now? You just need to stay out of it. Don't go through your moms email. Mind your own business.

You think being an adult means you can lie and cheat with impunity? Doesn't work that way.

There's no excuse, ever, for cheating and OP is completely justified with being disgusted by it.

Your mom is an adult, and her romantic and private life are none of your business - while it must be incredibly unsettling to see her behaving like this, you don't have the right to interfere. Any more than she has the right to interfere in who you see/don't see/are friends with.

You never really know what's going on between other people, whether it's your mom and her current boyfriend or your mom and this other guy. Somehow it all feels different when it's your parents involved, too, because they are always special people and we expect them to adhere to particular standards, so you're probably more scandalised by this than you would be if it were an acquaintance.

You need to keep out of all this. If necessary, move away so that you've got that bit of distance which will make it easier to see things more objectively and so it won't affect you so much. Unfortunately if you try to get involved, put your view accross and fix things, then it's likely to make the whole situation much, much messier. Also, it's not your situation to sort out.

Concentrate on living your own life the best way you know, accept that your mother's a fallible human being with flaws and weaknesses and let her sort out her own messes.

If she's a grown up then she wouldn't do something stupid such as cheating on her bf with a MARRIED guy, But i see your point with everything else

And ashleym: I think MoonTiger said it best, and If that's the (dumb) choice your mother has made then let her be she'll learn eventually.

It is her MOM. Not her significant other.

Why would OP have ANY right to interfere within her mothers personal life?

No, cheating is not right. It also isn't anyones business what her mother does or doesn't do. Unless she says "I'm cheating", don't offer your opinion and stay out of it.

Her mother doesn't HAVE to have or not have the right. The point is, her mother is an adult and can DO whatever she wants with her private life. She should not have to consult her children before making private decisions--good or bad. So, No. OP has no right to be disgusted by it. OP needs to learn not to snoop through her mothers emails and phone.

Your mom is an adult, and her romantic and private life are none of your business - while it must be incredibly unsettling to see her behaving like this, you don't have the right to interfere. Any more than she has the right to interfere in who you see/don't see/are friends with.

I do not agree with this and I don't feel like it is helpful advice. The cat is out of the bag now and the fact is her mother's behavior is affecting everyone in the family. Stuff like this will destroy relationships and it is horrible that the mother's very selfish and destructive behavior is now spilling over into her childrens lives. When we see someone hurting other people it is only natural that we want to do something about it. I'm sorry you've been placed in this position and I feel for you. I'm not sure what can be done about this though other than staying away from it. I think I would encourage her to be honest to the bf as that is the right thing to do and he should probably hear it from her anyway but I doubt that will do any good. I'm glad you are setting a good example for your siblings and I think that's the best course of action to take. You don't have to condone this or bottle it up and I feel it is entirely appropriate to discuss it with your mother and tell her you do not approve and it is affecting her family in a negative way.

For anyone saying my brother and I were snooping, we weren't. My mom has always allowed us to go on her email and use her phone. We've always been open with each other. It's just now that she's participating in a sexual texting relationship with some pig, she doesn't want us to know about it.

It IS snooping! Just because she never said to you, 'my phone and email are private..please don't go on them' DOES NOT mean it isn't snooping!

You have no reason to go on her email, or look through her phone. Whether or not you think he is a pig doesn't matter. Because she is an adult. She is able to make her own decisions. You are her child, not her mother or her significant other.

I know it isn't easy to accept the fact that your mom is a grown up who is able to make her own choices. But she IS.

If it bothers you that much, you need to tell her "I think you are maing a huge mistake. I want nothing to do with it", and remove yoruself from the situation.

Part of that is STOP going thru her email and phone. Take yourself out of her "relationship" with this man. If you continue to make her feel like she is doing somethign wrong, it is going to cause a huge rift between you and your mom.

Trust me, my mom cheated on my dad when I was 13. I found out when I was 13, and because of the fact tht I was over involved in the "relationship" my mom had with her boyfriend, me and my mom STILL have a rough relationship.

If you get involved, you are risking losing your mom. And it would be EASY to blame your mom...cuz cheating is wrong. Right? Well, guess what. So is getting involved in your moms private life.

It should cause a rift - you don't just keep your mouth shut when you see someone doing something awful for the sake of making your relationship with that person easier. I don't think a cheating mom has much to offer a child anyway, so no great loss there. What are you missing out on, being taught to lie and cheat?

Yes. You do. Because it ISN'T her place to say anything. It's just not. When you are an adult, and you see another adult make a poor choice, how do you handle it? Do you walk up and tell them what poor choice theyre making and how to fix it? No. You stay out of it, and if they come to you FINE.

"No great loss there"? It is a HUGE loss. It is her MOTHER.

I think you can tell her how you feel, but there is nothing that you can really do to stop it. She does not have to have your approval. It's unfortunate because she is setting a terrible example for her children, as well as risking her current relationship with someone to whom her children may have become attached.

Do try to remember one thing, though- everyone makes mistakes, and she is still your mother no matter what. Hopefully you both can come out of this with your relationship intact.

Look, I think some people here are missing something. Yes, the OP's mom is an adult and the OP cannot control what she does. What she can and has every right to do is express how she feels. That's pretty standard for any healthy relationship with just about anyone (friends, family, SO, etc).

Her mother (from what I understand) had the OP's brother check her email and the OP just happened to see the text message before her mom got to the phone. I don't think either of these qualifies as snooping.

OP, hang in there. Just be there for your sisters in case anything crazy starts to happen.

Yes. You do. Because it ISN'T her place to say anything. It's just not. When you are an adult, and you see another adult make a poor choice, how do you handle it? Do you walk up and tell them what poor choice theyre making and how to fix it? No. You stay out of it, and if they come to you FINE.

 

"No great loss there"? It is a HUGE loss. It is her MOTHER.

Depends on how well you know them. If my, say, BFF was dating a married guys do you know what I would say to her? I would say, "Really? I think its a terrible idea. I'll be here for you but I will not support this relationship." If my Mother was having an affair I would say, "How dare you do this mom. I am very disappointed in you. I love you, your my mom and I care about you. I just can't believe you would do this to the family."

Look, I think some people here are missing something. Yes, the OP's mom is an adult and the OP cannot control what she does. What she can and has every right to do is express how she feels. That's pretty standard for any healthy relationship with just about anyone (friends, family, SO, etc).

 

Her mother (from what I understand) had the OP's brother check her email and the OP just happened to see the text message before her mom got to the phone. I don't think either of these qualifies as snooping.

 

OP, hang in there. Just be there for your sisters in case anything crazy starts to happen.

Thank you so much for understanding. I can't stop crying over this. I can't believe my mom would stoop this low. I have always looked up to her and I feel like I have no one now. Now, my sister is angry with me and won't talk to me. I think my mom convinced her that I'm the one in the wrong. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this. I have no one right now. If I tell my younger brother he'll go crazy and try to contact the guy. If I tell my older brother he probably won't care at all. I just don't know what to do.

I haven't said anything to my mom since I got home. I sent her a really long email telling her how this guy has no respect for her, that I really care about her, and that I don't want to lose her over something like this.

My dad committed suicide about a year and a half after their divorce (6 years ago), so I don't have him. I even told her that this may just ruin our relationship because it's been rocky over the years and I don't want to lose another parent to something selfish like how I lost my dad.

What should I do next? Should I just let her come to me whenever she reads the email?

Honestly the next thing I would do would be to set up a therapy appointment for yourself. You will be able to vent to a completely neutral third party who will be able to give you some great advice on how to handle this.

And, yes. I would wait for her to come to you.

If someone would give his wife a phone call, she could take care of that quickly. Your mom needs to shape up. If it were my mother, I'd have told her what I thought.

She emailed me back and told me that she's not having an affair. She claims that when this guy texts her anything inappropriate she ignores it, but I really don't see how that is true considering the 2 times I've actually seen what he's saying to her, both times it has been something sexual. So, he has some reason to keep doing it. She's not telling him to stop.

Further into the email she goes on to say "have you ever thought that maybe I'm going for a married man because there's no chance of anything happening? He's married so I have nothing to worry about"...........really? First she says nothing's going on and now she says she's going for a married man. Admitting to it.

Then she goes on to say "I haven't been happy for a very long time so whenever I find something that makes me happy I grab onto it and even if it's just for a few minutes in the day, it makes me happy. I'm doing this for me" She says that she's been unhappy since my dad died and basically never got over it.

Then she tells me that she will never have anyone try to control her and basically that's what she thinks I'm trying to do. When she was married to my dad he was a little controlling. Her boyfriend is also a little controlling. So, I'm thinking now, she's just trying to go against everyone and do something stupid just to show everyone she won't be told what to do. She said she's always tried to do things for everyone else and never for herself. That's not entirely true because she can be very selfish at times and there are a lot of times she's very immature.

At the very end she says she would never do anything to hurt me intentionally, but she basically says she's not going to stop. I told her how much she hurt me and she's going to keep doing this.

It's NOT about you. She is an adult, and if she isn't happy, that's not something you can control.

People stay in relationships for many reasons. Maybe your mom is putting the financial security her boyfriend offers her CHILDREN above her own desire to be happy.

You dont KNOW what is going on in her head. You have to back off. Mind your own business. You have to. Your mom told you this is making her happy. Whether you disagree or not, she KNOWS how you feel about it...you've expressed that. Now back off and let her live her own life.

I stayed with my ex for three years, miserable, because he offered financial security for my children. THREE. YEARS. I was MISERABLE. Would I have cheated? No. But.... if I found something that made me happy, and really made me smile for just a few minutes a day. I would cling to it.

And I would hope my children were mature enough (although...they're not, they are 6 and 3.) to realize that my adult life is my ADULT life. Nothing to do with them. They are my priority, but so is my own happiness.

She sounds very childish. I would respond with, "So, what you are saying is that you are not having an affair but you ARE going after a married man because he is unattainable. Mom, that makes no sense to me. I know you want to be happy and this man will never make you happy. Again, I'm very disappointed in you because I know you are better than this. And, if you are confusing me caring about you and your well being with trying to control you than I'm sorry."

Allielynn, let me guess, YOU have done something similar to what the mom is doing?

OP, Make a therapy appointment maybe even ask your mom to come along so you guys can communicate with each other better.

Nope. Never....

I just don't think it's her business that her mom is having an affair. I don't

She is an adult. Her mom isn't happy. Her mom is getting some happiness. Why can't she just mind her own business and let her mom find happiness, even if it's temporary?

Would she rather have her mom miserable at home, because it is "better for the family" ?? She is a 19 yr old adult. She needs to stay out of it.

Her mother is childish and selfish. If her mom wants to be happy than she needs to take ADULT steps to make that happen. And, the OP does care about her mom and wants her to be happy while maintaining integrity. That's why she can't leave this alone because she care about her mom.

Its a false dichotomy: Be miserable or being inappropriate and childish.

Again if this where my mother you would bet I would be telling her EXACTLY what I think and if she did not end the affair I would stop speaking to her.