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Sexually Not Attracted to Fiancee


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Hi,

 

I am new here in this site. I just stumbled on this website when I typed randomly about my issues with my boyfriend. My bf (or fiancee) and I are in relationship for almost 4 years now and we are planning to get married this year. I know and i feel that I love him. He is so good looking and with a good physique but I am not attracted to him sexually the way I used to the first time we did it. Whenever we kiss no matter how hard i try to turn myself on I can't. Plus he has a different way of approaching me sexually. He is adorable than sexual when he does it. I've been in many relationships before and I was not like this when it comes to sex I am usually very active. I don't know why I can't feel any desire to have sex with him. I often times just do it for his sake and not mine. I don't feel pleasure when we do it. I know i love him very much I can't live without him. I am not seeing other men or having an affair with others. I watched porn deliberately to test myself if i will ever feel aroused. I did feel aroused with porn but not the same as when you are having sex with the one you love. What I feel about him is very wholesome. I don't even know how to explain it. But I can be with him for the 10 years or more without sex. I know sex is important in every relationship so I want to make sure I can change before I say "I do". I am now asking myself many many many questions like; What if it will come to a point that i will be tired of doing it for his sake? will it cause something really bad in our relationship? If I will be honest to him about this will he understand? or will he walk away? will he be offended and be very conscious? will he help me solve this problem? What if he will look for pleasure with someone else? I know I love him and I asked myself many times if he is the one. I've tested myself already. But why do i feel like this?

 

Can anyone please help me?

 

 

Sophie

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You do not love him.

 

Leave him.

 

You're wasting his time.

 

And your time.

 

This.

Blunt, plain, and simple.

 

Getting married will only make this worse. Do not marry this man. Do not put him through a sexless marriage because you do not love him.

 

Leave. It'll be best for both of you.

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I think other people are being too quick to say you should leave him. You said that the first time you had sex, you were attracted to him. I don't think you should give up the rest of your good relationship and the good four years you had together over an attraction issue that wasn't always there. When exactly did you stop being attracted to him? There are a lot of things you could try to scale up the attraction again. Maybe it just got boring because it wasn't anything new and different, it was always just you and him doing the same thing. I've heard that happens to a lot of couples.

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I think other people are being too quick to say you should leave him. You said that the first time you had sex, you were attracted to him. I don't think you should give up the rest of your good relationship and the good four years you had together over an attraction issue that wasn't always there. When exactly did you stop being attracted to him? There are a lot of things you could try to scale up the attraction again. Maybe it just got boring because it wasn't anything new and different, it was always just you and him doing the same thing. I've heard that happens to a lot of couples.

 

Sorry, when you start "QUESTIONING" your relationship and sex and start complaining about this and that,

 

Yeah, leave him.

 

OP is expecting fairytale/spark/fireworks/butterflies in stomach whatever some girls want these days.

 

The Fiancee should leave fast and find someone who wants him sexually.

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She see's a potential problem in the relationship and is actively taking steps to try and solve it................... Sounds like love to me.

 

Maybe that sounds like love.

 

That sounds rationalizing of her wanting behavior.

 

She is not sexually attracted to her fiancé. She feels bad. When we feel bad, we rationalize as human nature.

 

OP, leave him. Seriously. You're wasting both ya'll time.

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I think other people are being too quick to say you should leave him. You said that the first time you had sex, you were attracted to him. I don't think you should give up the rest of your good relationship and the good four years you had together over an attraction issue that wasn't always there. When exactly did you stop being attracted to him? There are a lot of things you could try to scale up the attraction again. Maybe it just got boring because it wasn't anything new and different, it was always just you and him doing the same thing. I've heard that happens to a lot of couples.

 

True. I didn't see that part, and went back and reread. In a relationship, the lust phase does fade, but it can come back. And yes, it can fade again. It's a cycle. You just have to work on your relationship constantly. You have to work on things that you care about anyway.

 

I do think people are too quick to say you should leave him. Questioning your relationship, I think is fine, since you said he's your fiancee so of course you're going to over-analyze. You're going to marry him anyway! You want to make sure you're not messing things up with him and for yourself also.

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True. I didn't see that part, and went back and reread. In a relationship, the lust phase does fade, but it can come back. And yes, it can fade again. It's a cycle. You just have to work on your relationship constantly. You have to work on things that you care about anyway.

 

I do think people are too quick to say you should leave him. Questioning your relationship, I think is fine, since you said he's your fiancee so of course you're going to over-analyze. You're going to marry him anyway! You want to make sure you're not messing things up with him and for yourself also.

 

Not quick to say.

 

If she knew love is a cycle, then why is she posting this on the board?

 

Seriously, OP, knows what she wants. She wants to leave. She's just waiting for someone's approval of her decision.

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Maybe that sounds like love.

 

That sounds rationalizing of her wanting behavior.

 

She is not sexually attracted to her fiancé. She feels bad. When we feel bad, we rationalize as human nature.

 

OP, leave him. Seriously. You're wasting both ya'll time.

 

Where does she question her relationship?

 

She repeatedly states how much she loves him but has a problem: she is no longer physically attracted to him. Her question to this forum how can she fix it so that she can improve their sex life before she says I do (realizing how important sex is to a relationship). Sex ebbs and flows, anyone is a long term relationship knows this to be true. It takes work in order to maintain it (which) she is doing, if everyone just ups and leaves a relationship because their sex life is declining I would lose all faith in relationships.

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Where does she question her relationship?

 

She repeatedly states how much she loves him but has a problem: she is no longer physically attracted to him. Her question to this forum how can she fix it so that she can improve their sex life before she says I do (realizing how important sex is to a relationship). Sex ebbs and flows, anyone is a long term relationship knows this to be true. It takes work in order to maintain it (which) she is doing, if everyone just ups and leaves a relationship because their sex life is declining I would lose all faith in relationships.

 

She LOVES him BUT IS NOT IN LOVE HIM.

 

Come on.

 

It's not about the sex. She's not attracted to WAY HE LOOKS.

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Not quick to say.

 

If she knew love is a cycle, then why is she posting this on the board?

 

Seriously, OP, knows what she wants. She wants to leave. She's just waiting for someone's approval of her decision.

 

Woman how are you getting this from OP's post?

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Woman how are you getting this from OP's post?

 

Dude, seriously?

 

Some women waste a lot MEN'S TIME.

 

My girlfriend did the same thing to her ex. He wasted 2 years with her when he was about to propose to her she gave him "I'm not sexually attracted to you. I want a better looking guy blab blah blah blah."

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Not quick to say.

 

If she knew love is a cycle, then why is she posting this on the board?

 

Seriously, OP, knows what she wants. She wants to leave. She's just waiting for someone's approval of her decision.

 

I'm not responding to you for the quickness of the majority's answer. Also, she did not say she knew the cycle.

 

 

Anyway:

 

But I still do want clarification. I talked to my roommate as she is slightly more logical than I am and she wonders how initially? The first time you did it with your fiancee? That's a "new-ness" feeling. The second, third, fourth, fifth, whatever time that it's still an initial feeling? Then okay, my thoughts do apply.

 

I'd suggest working on getting the attraction back though. Try new things. My roommate suggest a sex therapist.

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She LOVES him BUT IS NOT IN LOVE HIM.

 

Come on.

 

It's not about the sex. She's not attracted to WAY HE LOOKS.

 

Hmmmm I usually like your posts but with this one I have to strongly disagree. The way you are thinking about relationships are (in my opinion) why divorce rates are so high. The lust honeymoon phase will always fade and who knows maybe even the bf is to blame. What I do know is she is simply asking for advice on this matter, not whether she should leave/love him or not.

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Hmmmm I usually like your posts but with this one I have to strongly disagree. The way you are thinking about relationships are (in my opinion) why divorce rates are so high. The lust honeymoon phase will always fade and who knows maybe even the bf is to blame. What I do know is she is simply asking for advice on this matter, not whether she should leave/love him or not.

 

Dude, I think the same way about relationship. Honeymoon phase is over.

 

I get that.

 

But seriously, if you're questioning when SOMEONE wants to spend their life with you, that's SCARY. Considering you spend more than a year or so with the same person. Then that someone questions not being "Sexually" attracted anymore. Then why the hell stay?

 

I'm pretty sure this OP is WISER and been through couple relationships to realize that and over the age of 30 not in her early 20's ?

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Hmmmm I usually like your posts but with this one I have to strongly disagree. The way you are thinking about relationships are (in my opinion) why divorce rates are so high. The lust honeymoon phase will always fade and who knows maybe even the bf is to blame. What I do know is she is simply asking for advice on this matter, not whether she should leave/love him or not.

 

It is. I agree with him. I have a long term relationship that is going strong. We do talk about marriage and such. I did have a moment that I wondered of the attraction (though slightly different as I am a rape survivor (correcting this term for the proper mindset. not a victim but a survivor) and such and can blow things out of portions), I figured out it was a lust phase that can come and go after research on it (research on the internet, not on this). I love him to want to fix things. There is nothing wrong with us now. I am insanely attracted to him currently that I am currently wanting him over right now despite the fact he cannot.

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Thank you for all your responses. You all have a point. But I do love him guys. We had many arguements and big fights before that could possibly end our relationship. Many times we had separated temporarily to have space. I know I couldn't live without him. I've been faithful to him all these years. I've never had any desires of meeting other guys. I am not attracted to anyone else. I was attracted to him during the first and second year of our relationship. We had sex almost everyday. Maybe it got boring to me. Maybe I need adventure with sex. I remember we had sex in our balcony with my folks in the living room and we both felt very excited and aroused. Was it because of the thrill of posibility of getting caught? I get excited when sex seems not possible like if I am not safe (no contarceptives, no condoms,) or having sex in other places other than the bedroom.

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Umm I very much dislike how people read a few sentences about losing sexual attraction and jump to the conclusion that you should leave. There are many many things that you can do to improve your sex life with many people have mentioned. I guess the questions is do you still feel like you are IN love with your fiance? Like another poster has mentioned, it is common for people to lose sexual interest but that doesn't mean you can't get it back.

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Umm I very much dislike how people read a few sentences about losing sexual attraction and jump to the conclusion that you should leave. There are many many things that you can do to improve your sex life with many people have mentioned. I guess the questions is do you still feel like you are IN love with your fiance? Like another poster has mentioned, it is common for people to lose sexual interest but that doesn't mean you can't get it back.

 

 

When you are in love, you don't mind having sex with your partner or question about your sexual attraction to your partner.

 

Since I just saw the OP's age post, how did she know that relationship takes work and it's a cycle of up and down?

 

That seems plain silly to me.

 

Anyway I need to get some rest. LOL It's 2 AM. I'll argue tomorrow.

 

Night ya'll!

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