Being stuck in the arm with a needle
Ever wonder what you would do if your best friend stuck you with a sewing needle everytime they saw you?
I know. That is how I feel right now.
At age 10 I was involved in an air plane accident, and while no one died it was very scarey. Crying was not an option.
I was raised as a military brat. Meaning that I was never to cry and to be a 'man' when it came to pain.
At age 13 I was raped by a close family relative. Only once but it was enough. He is no longer alive but that is okay too. I can only imagine how many other young boys he had 'fun' with. And no I never told anyone, until now.
I was 16 when I graduated from high school. Apparently I had a high IQ and this made me important. Not that everyone in the grades I went through were older than me and for the most part did not like me either.
Until 2 years ago I weight 124lbs. Imagine growing up and being the butt of every skinny joke there is out there. And as an adult the constant question of 'do you have AIDs'; which by the way I don't. If I tried to defend myself I ended up in a fight and got my butt beat. Now I weight a whooping 184lbs and oh by the way I still get my butt beat.
I have been married 5 times. I divorced each of them when I found them cheating on me. When asked why they did it, they told me I was wimp. Soooo very true.
I tried to go to college when I was 17 but my father told me no since I would be drafted. And I was.
But before that happened I had a bad breakup with my girlfriend. Seems she wanted me to take her virginity. I wanted to wait until we were married. (My father made it clear that if I got a girl preguant before we were married she would be a widow the day after he found out.) As the result of the breakup and years of everything else I tried to take my life. The only reason I did not succeed, my brother came home early and found me in my bedroom, called the ambulance. That was the 1st of 3 attempts. At the last attempt I gave up trying, seems I could not even do that right.
The only good thing about the suicide attempts was that it brought my father home early from Viet Nam. At least according to my mom.
After being drafted I went to Viet Nam like everyone else I knew. Scared was to say the least. I was terrified. They used real bullets and lots of people got hurt or killed. I lost two squads. When asked why I told them I ran...which I did... That is how I found out I was also a coward.
It just gets better...
I thought I found the solution in drugs. After returning from nam I did not go home but stayed in the Army. (My father made it clear that cowards were not allowed in his home.) So I got high everyday for the next 6 years. I learned the politics to survive. At the end of 10 years I had enough of the politics and got out.
I was content to just work at the 7-11 store. However the Air Force called me and asked me if I wanted to work for them as a civilian. Yes.
It has been over 25 years since all this happened. And the only thing I can say is that God must have a great sense of humor to keep messing with me like he has.
I cannot even do myself in.
Someone said that best way to committ suicide is to wait until you die from old age...
Shame I cannot speed it up.
I can't imagine. You have been through quite a lot. There only two thing I can say with my limited life experience.
Sometimes it's not helpful to look back. Not when it weighs us down to much to move forward. Sometimes we just have to look at today, at right now.
The other thing is that no matter how special or unique we think our problems are someone else out there is going through something similar. You are not alone, and you are not the only one feeling this way. Sometimes it helps me to realize that the feelings I am feeling are a normal part of life. And while they are important signals, they are after all only feelings.
Sorry to hear about your father. Seems a lot of dads had that frame of mind in those days.
So you worked for the Air Force as a civilian? They called you? Seems to me they had a real eye on the skills you had. How was that experience? Are you still doing that?
How did that make you feel?
I can only say that I've had my own pain that brought me close to killing myself. It didn't involve rape, plane crashes, or watching people die. But it affected me.
The things that affect us the most are the things that make us question our value and why we can't measure up to others.
But you shouldn't feel ashamed of being scared to die. It goes against our natural instincts for self-preservation. Not everyone is ready for frontline duty.
But the military back then just needed bodies so they push so many people at one point and hope that enough survive to compete the mission.
You are a courageous person for putting yourself in that experience. I'm honored by your service and sacrifice.
I was trying to get enlisted, but was medically disqualified. But I enjoy working in the private sector doing contracts for the government.
Besides on this board, has there been anyone else you've talked to about this? I ask, just to be curious, but we always welcome you here.
Well, I can relate to you except the coward part. Navy brat here and has PSTD. I could never finish a final and just walk out of the classroom every time. Never had a relationship in my life and half way to 40 years old. I think I understand your feelings, not empathy, but actually understand how you feel. You need to practice wanting things and do whatever you can to get them. You want love? Ask the girl out. You want revenge? Plot it and make sure they feel the pain like you do. Wife says you're a wimp? Take what's yours. Got beat up by other ppl? Get up, dust yourself off, and fight them again until one of you is bleeding like that day of the month for him. That will stop all this madness. Might even bring you happiness too. Just take what you want attitude works for me sometimes (of course, not talking about shoplifting or thieving). It is okay to be scared, even brave men get scared when facing incoming death.
and hopefullly some day you will deal with the real truth of it all. in the meantime you have my sympathy.
What do you mean "real truth"? Please, do not push people down. He is step above anyone for go through war like that. No one is made equal we all have our burdens to bear and we all need a support network. I just hope he is working through his demons and enjoying life.
Originally Posted by knowsbetter
Originally Posted by bscheffl
I am sorry that you are going through this. I too have quite the life story - details i'm more comfortable to share in a private message. One thing i will say is that God most certainly does not hate you, he loves you with an intensity that no other human or thing can offer. You say you are old, he has allowed you to live this long whilst many others have died since - he has a plan for your life and wants to be reconciled with you. It might not feel like that now, i know that when i'm down it doesn't feel like it. God watches over those who are lonely. He leads them into a place of safety and shelter and provides for their needs. (Psalm 68:6)
There may be times when you pray, but you are still depressed. There may be times when you go to church, but you still feel rejection. You may feel strange among other people and Christians because you have negative emotions. But what I want with this teaching is to show you that the emotions are there and they are given to you by God. You can either lie or ignore them, or you can learn to do something with them. When we understand why God has given us emotions and we can use them properly, we can apply them in a good way.
If I can learn how to handle my emotions, I can also deal with life and what comes my way.
There is one thing that is certain about emotions: We all have them. But unfortunately there are times when the emotions have us. It is when the emotions have us that they become a problem.
Love, hugs and kisses Erica x
Last edited by Capricorn3; 02-27-2013 at 07:13 PM.
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