Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40

Thread: When dumpers turn mean...

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    141

    When dumpers turn mean...

    I feel like 99% of dumpees, myself included, are always shocked by how mean and cold the dumper becomes. Rationally thinking about it, someone that you spent a significant of time with can't forget you or just turn mean to someone they where with for such a long time overnight... people just don't work that way unless they are sociopaths (and I doubt that 99% of dumpers are sociopaths). I'm fairly certain, that unless you were the worst partner ever, it's a defense mechanism. Much like when teenagers start to 'hate' their parents - they don't really hate them, but its a way of emotionally detaching from the situation and the person.

    So ex's aren't mean, cruel or cold.. they are just lying to themselves to detach from the situation. Come to think of it, I actually think that it's the ex's with the minimal reaction that act like nothing happened are the ones who are not effected by the break up.

    But I guess knowing that my ex doesn't actually hate me doesn't make me feel any better

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    1,896
    I completely agree with what you're saying.
    My ex cheated on me a month before our wedding and dumped me over the PHONE. He turned into a complete jerk. At first I thought "Did I do something wrong that I'm ignoring?" but after talking to him and hearing his excuses for cheating, I didn't.
    They just turn into s so they don't have to deal with the horrible things they had done.

    My ex literally said to me "Why are so mad? I didn't do anything wrong." My head just about exploded from that logic. I said to him "Don't you realize you ruined my life and did an absolutely unforgivable, horrible thing to me?" And he just shrugged.

    It is a defence mechanism. It's easier for them to be jerks to you than for them to realize "I'm a bad person and I did a horrible thing to someone who cares about me"

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    73
    Most definitely it is a defense mechanism and I don't know anything about you and how long you've been in the dating scene but one of these days you will find yourself ending up as the dumper where somehow things come to a head and you just bid farewell and end it... abruptly. Usually such behavior is the result of complete exhaustion at having to maintain the charade that you still have feelings for that person (or see great potential) and that everything is alright. For the normal decent human being, the last thing in the world you want to do is hurt the person who is so head over heals in love with you and, because of that, you end up experiencing a lot of guilt on your end because you can't reciprocate that same level of intensity back to them.... yet, you keep hoping that will change and they in turn keep loving you regardless that they have been sensing that about you since day one.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    141
    Quote Originally Posted by Natasha24 View Post
    I completely agree with what you're saying.
    My ex cheated on me a month before our wedding and dumped me over the PHONE. He turned into a complete jerk. At first I thought "Did I do something wrong that I'm ignoring?" but after talking to him and hearing his excuses for cheating, I didn't.
    They just turn into s so they don't have to deal with the horrible things they had done.

    My ex literally said to me "Why are so mad? I didn't do anything wrong." My head just about exploded from that logic. I said to him "Don't you realize you ruined my life and did an absolutely unforgivable, horrible thing to me?" And he just shrugged.

    It is a defence mechanism. It's easier for them to be jerks to you than for them to realize "I'm a bad person and I did a horrible thing to someone who cares about me"
    Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. Your ex sounds like a real jerk. I hope that you move and never speak to him again. Seriously.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    141
    Quote Originally Posted by raindropcity View Post
    Most definitely it is a defense mechanism and I don't know anything about you and how long you've been in the dating scene but one of these days you will find yourself ending up as the dumper where somehow things come to a head and you just bid farewell and end it... abruptly. Usually such behavior is the result of complete exhaustion at having to maintain the charade that you still have feelings for that person (or see great potential) and that everything is alright. For the normal decent human being, the last thing in the world you want to do is hurt the person who is so head over heals in love with you and, because of that, you end up experiencing a lot of guilt on your end because you can't reciprocate that same level of intensity back to them.... yet, you keep hoping that will change and they in turn keep loving you regardless that they have been sensing that about you since day one.
    So I've been on the other side as well and I did do that when I was younger, and I feel horrible now. I felt so bad for not being interested with this guy and not keeping in touch with him that I avoided him at ALL costs. And when I had to talk to him I was cold and impatient. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with the guy and he didn't deserve that treatment. I was just really immature and didn't know how to handle the situation properly. And after that, I felt really bad so I avoided him at all costs. The whole situation had totally nothing to do with the guy although I'm sure it didn't seem that way to him.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    73
    But the dumpers who are not normal decent human beings who want to end a relationship, what they will do is target in on something that they know you will react to on an emotional level as opposed to your usual rational composed self. In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Sociopaths, on the other hand are an entirely different animal.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    171
    Quote Originally Posted by raindropcity View Post
    In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones.
    Completely agree. It's about finding something with which they can rationalize their decision for a breakup so that they don't feel bad.
    My story - http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=414778

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    73
    Same here xstar.... It's amazing isn't it? How so many of our stories are the same? Immaturity, that's what it all boils down to and I'm to find that for many, this does not change with age.



    Quote Originally Posted by xstar View Post
    So I've been on the other side as well and I did do that when I was younger, and I feel horrible now. I felt so bad for not being interested with this guy and not keeping in touch with him that I avoided him at ALL costs. And when I had to talk to him I was cold and impatient. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with the guy and he didn't deserve that treatment. I was just really immature and didn't know how to handle the situation properly. And after that, I felt really bad so I avoided him at all costs. The whole situation had totally nothing to do with the guy although I'm sure it didn't seem that way to him.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    141
    Quote Originally Posted by raindropcity View Post
    But the dumpers who are not normal decent human beings who want to end a relationship, what they will do is target in on something that they know you will react to on an emotional level as opposed to your usual rational composed self. In short, they know where to push your buttons and that's what they do so that they in turn can claim that they have a reason to break up with you. It's very passive aggressive but that's the usual approach for those ones. Sociopaths, on the other hand are an entirely different animal.
    I doubt that most dumpers fall into this category.. and I think that's a very depressing belief to hold on to.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    73
    I know -- you're right. This is why us nice ones screw up so much because we fail to look outside of ourselves to realize that there are others out there who are not like we are. And that is the long and short of it.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Related Articles & Books
by Margarita Nahapetyan
Checking and following the activities of an ex partner through social networking site Facebook can seriously interfere with a person's ability to ...
by Margarita Nahapetyan
Most people get divorced hoping to have a better life and find more happiness than they had in their marriage. However, a new national study by Iowa ...
by Margarita Nahapetyan
Brides who hesitate about getting married might want to consider having second thoughts before starting a life-long commitment, suggest psychologists ...
 

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •