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  1. #1

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    My wife says she's a lesbian after 10 years and 5 children

    I don't know where to start.. I feel so sick, heartbroken and lost.

  2. #2
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    I am so sorry

    tell us a bit more,did she ever mention anything like that before or did this come as a shock?

  3. #3
    Gold Member SuperDuper's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear this... are you two getting a divorce/separation because of this?

    This forum is excellent for providing comfort and reliable feedback. You're not alone!

  4. #4
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    Wow that's awful... I'm so sorry to hear that

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  6. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by JasonsFleece View Post
    I don't know where to start.. I feel so sick, heartbroken and lost.
    Kick her out and file for divorce. File first or get taken for a ride.
    If I could tell the world just one thing and have it stick it'd be, "When wondering about the nature of something, ask yourself this question, 'Does it agree with observation?' and then utilize your answer objectively."

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Pinnacle's Avatar
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    If this is TRUE, there probably have been signs you missed over the past several years. One of my male friends has a girlfriend and she kisses her friend on the lips when she gets tipsy. I would be furious and my friend is all good with it. However, does it mean she is a lesbian? I don't know. It's just that I would NEVER kiss a dude on the lips like that. So there could have been signs like that in the past you may have overlooked.
    Fighting the good fight. With Ponies.

  8. #7
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    just dont do or say something stupid.
    if u loved her before she was lesbian then that love must stay intact to dont break up the trust.
    sure you feel betrayed but i guess she couldnt help it..?
    be kind and compassionate cause she needs it now.
    Easy!

  9. #8
    Super Moderator SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    Sometimes there are no clues. Someone I know became a lesbian after three failed marriages to men, she still says shes not a lesbian she just fell for a woman. Sometimes theres no warning signs. Sometimes something just clicks in someone and they realise.

    I dont think you should have known OP. I know how hard this must be for you and I'm so sorry. Please stay strong and know that in years to come you may see it as a blessing that she didn't carry on and live a lie with you. You now both can move on and be happy in time.

    Stay strong. IT will get bette.r

  10. #9
    Platinum Member RitaTrue's Avatar
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    Damn. Damn. DAYUM.

    I am SO sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through right now
    Last edited by RitaTrue; 04-07-2012 at 06:13 PM.

  11. #10
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    So sorry you and your family are going through this. What a shock for all!

    You have a few things to deal with - first, the loss of your wife and marriage. And second, the loss of the perception of your wife and possibly the feeling of rejection by her.

    The rejection - while it is easy to say to yourself intellectually not to feel rejected, I bet you do. But it is a good thing for you to learn as much as you can about being gay. My sister in law is gay, and she said she always knew she was. But she never felt comfortable exploring that side of herself because of family "morals" and possible rejection! Her family had NO IDEA! After years of alcohol and drug addiction and when she felt suicidal then she finally came out to her brother and then to her family. She is now in a committed relationship of 15 years and has kids and her family has learned to love and accept her the way she is.

    My ex mother-in-law told me how scary it was to find out she was gay. Family and friends would likely reject them. But eventually she opened up to people, and it turned out that they also had family members that were gay. No one had the courage to talk about it, because it was definitely not accepted in that circle of people. But they all love their family members and have all come to a place of acceptance of who they are. Unconditional love. Otherwise they would have lost their family members.

    Your wife may not have know she was gay. It happens. But those I know who are gay have told me that once they figured it out, they realized that they had been born that way. They just didn't know until then.

    So, while you may feel that you were at fault, or you might take it personally, you did not "turn her gay" at all! She is who she is, and there is nothing you can do to change that.

    So, now you are facing divorce and the start of a new life without her as a spouse. Since you have 5 children together, you will be forever tied as co-parents. And while going through your divorce it is most important for you to keep your children in mind while you deal with this. They will be looking up to you as a model, and it is very very important for you to deal with this in the healthiest and sanest way possible, so that you can be their role model. Even if you are tempted otherwise...

    It is also best if you and your wife can be upfront and honest, and present the divorce and the reasons for divorce as a team. That way the children will still feel loved and reassured that you are both still their parents no matter what! Of course, you will have to make the announcement developmentally appropriate for their age level. I would strongly encourage you and your wife to go to a counselor to explore how best to get through all of this, for your children's sake!

    What a shock to you! It will be normal for you to feel anger and resentment, possibly feel deceived. It is best if you work through those normal feelings but at some point for you and your children's sake you will need to come to terms with this and begin the process of forgiveness. A great little book on forgiveness is : Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All, by Dr. Gerald Jampolsky. It helped me get through my divorce!

    Another thing for you to do is to look up your local chapter of PFLAG, and to make use of their resources. You are not the only one to go through this, and there are others who might be able to give you and your family support. Parents and Families of Lesbians,and Gays... or something like that. I knew someone that ended up going through a sex change after 20 years (and 4 children!) of marriage. I am sure it was a terrible shock to his wife!

    Think about your children. There is a possibility that some years down the road one of them may be gay as well. How you handle this now is crucial! Because if you don't forgive and accept your wife for who she is, then they will perceive you would feel the same way as that with them, and it could be harmful to them psychologically and would alienate your child from you.

    You have a lot of healing to do. It is hurtful to lose your hopes and dreams for the future with the person you trusted the most. It is devastating to lose your soulmate and life partner. Many of us have been there. But you will get through it! It will just take time, and some work on your part. Be kind to yourself, let your family and friends give you support, be there for your children, and in time and with work then you will rebuild your life.

    By the way, I might suggest joint custody. Find a place to live near enough, and have the kids every other week. We do that, and it works. Only because we try hard to be cooperative. (I may complain about my ex to my very kind friends, but I try very hard to keep the negative away from my kids...).

    Good luck to you, and check in here - there are some very wise and very kind and helpful "ears" here

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