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Should She Break Up With Him Because Of Money Issues?


WhenWillILove

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Would like input from men and women regarding my girl friend's dating situation.

We'll call her "Sandy" and him "John".

 

Sandy's been seeing John for 5 months. She's been out of college for 8 months now & working as a teacher's aid (she's got a teaching degree) which earns very, very little. She also drives an old car that is constantly in and out of the repair shop. On top of paying her 40k debt. John is 9 years older than her, earns about 95k and recently bought a condominium.

 

John likes 'fancy' dates, i.e. Broadway shows, comedy clubs, fine dining, romantic getaways, etc.

 

The problem is, she can't afford her share for a lot of those dates. They have done simple things like bowling, movies, skating, diners, etc. in the past, but John tends to lean towards pricier dates. And he's also the type to ask her for her 50%. He has helped her cover the costs of some of those fancier dates, but overall, he wants her to pay her share.

 

John also lives 1 hour's drive from her. Because she lives with her parents, he insists she drive over to his place. Her car is unreliable & costly to repair. But she always drives to his place.

 

Recently, he's suggested a trip that would cost around 1k per person. She told him she can only give about $400. She has been very honest about her earnings & has told him flat out she can't afford the whole 1k. He hasn't offered to cover any costs of it.

 

John's told her clearly that if they were married, he wouldn't mind paying for her trip, or other expenses but since they're just dating, he's unwilling to 'invest' such money.

 

She's living paycheck to paycheck, and has been refusing to buy some things for herself (like a haircut, purse) because she's saving for future dates.

For the past 2 weeks, she's told me her self-esteem went down because she's having financial struggles & the fact that John doesn't mind wasting $150 on a Broadway show makes her feel even poorer.

 

 

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I don't know if the root issue is money here, but rather selfishness. If John liked rollercoasters, and Sandy didn't, would he insist that they go to amusement parks on every date and make her pay for her ticket too? He clearly is putting his needs and desires ahead of her well-being, and that is the sort of issue that I think will continue to be a problem even if they did get married and he proceeded to pay for her every expense afterward. He wants to do things his way and he doesn't seem to care if it is detrimental to her.

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I don't know if the root issue is money here, but rather selfishness. If John liked rollercoasters, and Sandy didn't, would he insist that they go to amusement parks on every date and make her pay for her ticket too? He clearly is putting his needs and desires ahead of her well-being, and that is the sort of issue that I think will continue to be a problem even if they did get married and he proceeded to pay for her every expense afterward. He wants to do things his way and he doesn't seem to care if it is detrimental to her.

 

She's told me they've done 'simple' dates numerous times but he's gotten bored of them & wants to experience the 'nicer' things.

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Well honesetly what you're describing as 'fancy' dates don't seem unusual or extravagant in any way to me - they seem totally average. He's older and it's probably been so long since he's been broke like your gf that he can't even fathom that these outings are in any way 'fancy'. Bowling and skating seem high school to me.

 

Nothing wrong with him not wanting to pay for all of this stuff. If she can't afford it she needs to tell him that and they can easily just do something else when they go out together.

 

I don't understand why she would break up with him over this - he's done absoultely nothing wrong other than not remembering what it's like to be broke and unless she's been really clear with him about that he might not even know. I mean she's living at home so even if she doesn't make much, he's probably assuming she doesn't have much in the way of expenses either.

 

I don't think $150 on a broadway show is a waste of money at all - that's very subjective.

 

She is poor - there's nothing wrong with that and if it's affecting her self-esteem she should talk to someone about that because how much money you have *should* not have an overly disproportionate impact on your self-esteem.

 

Also, if not being poor is important to her, she really chose the wrong profession. Did she not know how much teachers make prior to going into debt to get that degree?

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I don't know if the root issue is money here, but rather selfishness. If John liked rollercoasters, and Sandy didn't, would he insist that they go to amusement parks on every date and make her pay for her ticket too? He clearly is putting his needs and desires ahead of her well-being, and that is the sort of issue that I think will continue to be a problem even if they did get married and he proceeded to pay for her every expense afterward. He wants to do things his way and he doesn't seem to care if it is detrimental to her.

 

Okay, if I had 95k, then yeah, I wouldn't want to spend my weekends on the same 'simple' dates. Of course, I'd want the finer things in life, as they say.

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Don't think you've read my thread entirely. Skating, bowling, movies- those are things she can afford. He wants fine dining, theater, spas, like every weekend.

 

Has she clearly told him she can't afford those things? I did read all of your post and the only thing I saw were you mentioned her making him aware of her financial troubles was the vacation. She made him aware she couldn't afford it, he didn't offer to pay - pretty simple, right? No reason to break up. They'll just not go on vacation. You mentioned she has low self esteem due to her financial situation - that alone makes me thing she's probably not entirely up front with him about what she can and can't afford. She seems to have a negative perception of being poor that leads to her self-esteem issue. She's probably ashamed so she's not telling him what she can't afford.

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I don't know if the root issue is money here, but rather selfishness. If John liked rollercoasters, and Sandy didn't, would he insist that they go to amusement parks on every date and make her pay for her ticket too? He clearly is putting his needs and desires ahead of her well-being, and that is the sort of issue that I think will continue to be a problem even if they did get married and he proceeded to pay for her every expense afterward. He wants to do things his way and he doesn't seem to care if it is detrimental to her.

 

I agree with this. There seems to be a lack of consideration on his part.

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Has she clearly told him she can't afford those things? I did read all of your post and the only thing I saw were you mentioned her making him aware of her financial troubles was the vacation. She made him aware she couldn't afford it, he didn't offer to pay - pretty simple, right? No reason to break up. They'll just not go on vacation. You mentioned she has low self esteem due to her financial situation - that alone makes me thing she's probably not entirely up front with him about what she can and can't afford.

 

The fact she's a teacher's aid should give him a clue about what she's earning. But I don't know if she's told him exactly how much she makes.

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The fact she's a teacher's aid should give him a clue about what she's earning. But I don't know if she's told him exactly how much she makes.

 

She also pays no rent or mortgage, which is where 2/3 of my paycheck goes and maybe same goes for the guy. He could be thinking she's got a lot of disposable income because she's saving tons of money living at home. She most definitely needs to have a conversation with him to make him aware she can't afford this stuff and that it's a problem rather than assume he should just know.

 

If she's not been upfront with him that she can't afford these activities, this is all on her. He can't read her mind. He doesn't know her financial situation unless she's shared it and given the fact that it's giving her low self esteem and lack of info from the OP I doubt she's been completely upfront sharing this info.

 

I don't know where anyone is getting that she's been honest with him - it's not in the OP other than the vacation, which I see as quite separate from a bunch of individual dates. It's very reasonable for someone to not be able to afford to go on vacation but can still afford to go to a $150 show.

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He's not respecting her boundaries, in a sense. These just happen to be monetary boundaries, whereas most people have issues with emotional/physical boundaries that cause them concern and to turn to ENA.

 

That being said, the very fact that he is the one wanting/needing these things and isn't willing to pony up for them does indicate that he's selfish. These are HIS choices, and knowing her financial situation, putting her in a difficult position is very disrespectful.

 

If she was the one insisting that they do these things but she was unable to pay for them, that would be a completely different story. From what you've said, she's been honest, and he doesn't want to do things that are within reason for her.

 

Fancy dates don't make a relationship good - just as being financially solvent doesn't necessarily make you a good partner. You can have fun at a picnic in the park, etc. If he *has* to go to Broadway shows, etc. then he can go. If he wants her to go with him, he can pay, or she can decline altogether. She needs to be realistic here too - she can put her foot down and say no. She is an adult and should behave accordingly. When you don't have the money to do something, say no. Don't dig yourself in a hole to keep up with a guy that you realistically can't.

 

If he can't have fun with the simpler things and just enjoy her company.... what kind of relationship do they have? It sounds like he needs to find someone who has the money to do the things he enjoys, and she needs to find someone more understanding of her financial limits and be willing to enjoy life on a budget.

 

The underlying issue actually isn't money...it's just a factor that is easy to pinpoint a difference in.

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5 months and this is going on? I'd drop him. sometimes when you get older, you want a partner that can do the things you can afford to do. if your money expectation is different, then the relationship is not really good, is it? I would tired of hearing 'i can't afford it'....I know that when I ask some of my cash strapped friends to do something expensive, I usually try and chip in a bit, if I can afford to, or we do inexpensive things. My BF makes a lot more than I do, but after a year, he's very considerate about being respectful of my budget, and picks up most of the tab.

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That's not said anywhere here that I can see. I live with my family and I pay rent. Living at home might mean an easier ride, but it doesn't always mean a free one.

 

Maybe she pays rent, but I can tell you overwhelmingly when college students in the states graduate and move back in with their parents it's to save rent money.

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Would like input from men and women regarding my girl friend's dating situation.

We'll call her "Sandy" and him "John".

 

Alright, I'll give my opinion.

 

Sandy's been seeing John for 5 months. She's been out of college for 8 months now & working as a teacher's aid (she's got a teaching degree) which earns very, very little. She also drives an old car that is constantly in and out of the repair shop. On top of paying her 40k debt. John is 9 years older than her, earns about 95k and recently bought a condominium.

 

Out of college for 8 months? That means she's my age I take it.

 

Alright, so he's almost like my boyfriend's age.

 

I think I can compare.

 

John likes 'fancy' dates, i.e. Broadway shows, comedy clubs, fine dining, romantic getaways, etc.

 

Okay, man have great taste of living life to the fullest.

 

 

The problem is, she can't afford her share for a lot of those dates.

 

I take it she never voice her opinion.

 

They have done simple things like bowling, movies, skating, diners, etc. in the past, but John tends to lean towards pricier dates
.

 

Again, did she voice her opinion?

 

And he's also the type to ask her for her 50%. He has helped her cover the costs of some of those fancier dates, but overall, he wants her to pay her share.

 

Interesting. My boyfriend always pay for whatever we do. I did pay in the beginning for our first date, and third date. Most of time he pays.

 

Also, why the HECK is he dating her if he wants a rich woman that can afford what he wants to go on date?

 

If I were her, I tell straight to his face. Your friend is either weak/shy/hates confrontation to even DARE to tell it to his face.

 

She needs a backbone, seriously.

 

John also lives 1 hour's drive from her. Because she lives with her parents, he insists she drive over to his place. Her car is unreliable & costly to repair. But she always drives to his place.

 

I take it he is getting sex from her as well.

 

I DUMPED HIS ASS. HE IS SELFISH AND NOT UNDERSTANDING. IF HE WANTS 50/50 HE SHOULD DRIVE TO HER PLACE AS WELL.

 

Recently, he's suggested a trip that would cost around 1k per person. She told him she can only give about $400. She has been very honest about her earnings & has told him flat out she can't afford the whole 1k. He hasn't offered to cover any costs of it.

 

Looks like she's not going on a trip with him ever.

 

John's told her clearly that if they were married, he wouldn't mind paying for her trip, or other expenses but since they're just dating, he's unwilling to 'invest' such money.

 

Sorry this man is a three later word. Not worth it.

 

He's dating other women.

 

What a little * * * * * .

 

She's living paycheck to paycheck, and has been refusing to buy some things for herself (like a haircut, purse) because she's saving for future dates.

 

Damn your girl is suffering. She is not even taking CARE OF HERSELF.

 

SERIOUSLY?

 

She is putting her life AFTER HIS.

 

For the past 2 weeks, she's told me her self-esteem went down because she's having financial struggles & the fact that John doesn't mind wasting $150 on a Broadway show makes her feel even poorer.

 

IF ANY MAN EVER TREATS ME LIKE THAT,

 

I tell him "Listen, I KNOW I'M NOT YOUR WIFE, but IT SEEMS TO ME YOU JUST WANT A BUDDY TO PLAY WITH, sorry man. I'm going to find someone else who wants to treat with respect and treats me like I'm his lady. Good thing we're not married."

 

WALK OFF. DELETE HIS NUMBER. IGNORE HIM FOR LIFE.

 

Tell your friend to GROW A BACKBONE.

 

Tell her HER NEEDS come first. That means paying off her loans and taking care of herself than any other GUY unless the guy respects her that's a different story.

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This guy is a crappy boyfriend. Why is she still with him?

 

If John makes 95k a year why is he so concerned w/ money for a date HE wants.

 

He sounds tight w/ his money & that's a turnoff to me.

ive never been on a date where the date expected me to pay 50%

Don't recommend going somewhere a. if your not going to pay for it & b. if you see your date can't afford it

I totally agree with this. If he wants to go on expensive outings... make the guy pay or she doesn't go. She needs to put her foot down and tell him "No, I can't afford it and you can't expect me to."

 

She also pays no rent or mortgage, which is where 2/3 of my paycheck goes and maybe same goes for the guy.

not only does it not say if her money goes in rent, but she's also got consistent car maintenance issues. f if she isn't paying rent she might be helping her folks out with groceries and utilities (my parents made me do that). That stuff costs around the same price as rent or more if she's paying for the repairs out of her pocket. She might have to look into buying a used, reliable vehicle to save more money.

 

And if she is working in the field of education, I can guarantee her money is going into her job as well. Some teachers pay as much as $400 a month (I once paid near $500 for supplies in my own classroom in one month). Teachers and the aids invest in their students and classroom/office supplies to run lesson plans.

 

And teacher aides make crap. They make half compared to teachers. I've even made more as a long term substitute than what a teacher aid makes (though they have benefits).

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This guy is a crappy boyfriend. Why is she still with him?

 

 

I totally agree with this. If he wants to go on expensive outings... make the guy pay or she doesn't go. She needs to put her foot down and tell him "No, I can't afford it and you can't expect me to."

 

 

not only does it say where her money goes in rent but she's also got consistent car maintenance issues. That stuff costs around the same price as rent or more if she's paying for that out of her pocket. She might have to look into buying a used, reliable vehicle to save more money.

 

And teacher aides make crap. They make half compared to teachers. I've even made more as a long term substitute than what a teacher aid makes (though they have benefits).

 

Is it trust me, or do you and I have the same mentality when it comes to guys and we stand up for ourselves?

 

Teachers need to get paid more. LITERALLY.

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If she's not been upfront with him that she can't afford these activities, this is all on her. He can't read her mind. He doesn't know her financial situation unless she's shared it and given the fact that it's giving her low self esteem and lack of info from the OP I doubt she's been completely upfront sharing this info.

 

I partially agree with this. However, please tell me when you find a first year teacher who makes at least $50k+ a year and owns their own home/apartment alone. teacher aids make at least 20k-25k. He should already know this... teacher aids are paid far below the poverty line in America.

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Not to get political on you, but many people in the US actually think that teachers are overpaid and lazy!!! (Remember the big union fights last year in the midwest?) Now, I don't know if he is one of them, but he may not realize how much money she makes and that she pays rent to her parents. He might figure if she lives with her parents, she has a big fat wad of cash she is sitting on. (instead of say, paying $1000 a month in rent) Maybe she needs to tell him her budget.

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This reminds me of some years ago when I went to visit a dear friend of mine in her city for a week and we decided to do a weekend road trip to a beautiful area a few hours drive from her. Since it was more my vacation than hers (she worked during the week while I did stuff on my own and with other friends) I wanted to go to a nice bed and breakfast that I assumed she could not afford to pay half of given her work (similar to a teacher). To me the simple solution was to offer to pay for most of the hotel charge, having her pay what she would have been able to afford. Worked out great. If we made a habit of traveling regularly I would have made sure she was comfortable with that arrangement or gone where she could afford because the main purpose would have been the company, not where we went/stayed. I think you friend should run for the hills as long as he knows why she can't afford the fancy dates he wants.

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Not to get political on you, but many people in the US actually think that teachers are overpaid and lazy!!!

 

Depends which teacher.

 

That's why i said teacher should be based on how they teach their kids and the kids success.

 

(Remember the big union fights last year in the midwest?) Now, I don't know if he is one of them, but he may not realize how much money she makes and that she pays rent to her parents.

 

Different cities pay different salaries for teachers.

 

 

He might figure if she lives with her parents, she has a big fat wad of cash she is sitting on. (instead of say, paying $1000 a month in rent) Maybe she needs to tell him her budget.

 

I disagree.

 

She has loans to pay. Her salary is WAY less than his if he is able to afford all that fancy dates.

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I disagree.

 

She has loans to pay. Her salary is WAY less than his if he is able to afford all that fancy dates.

 

It's not a matter of disagreeing. I'm trying to point out that he might not realize what her bills are, how much money she gets paid, and how much, realistically, she can spend on dating each month. (She shouldn't be forgoing haircuts to afford dates!!)

 

Before dumping this guy, if the friend hasn't told him that she just can't afford it, now is the time.

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It's not a matter of disagreeing. I'm trying to point out that he might not realize what her bills are, how much money she gets paid, and how much, realistically, she can spend on dating each month. (She shouldn't be forgoing haircuts to afford dates!!)

 

Before dumping this guy, if the friend hasn't told him that she just can't afford it, now is the time.

 

Naw, she should still dump him.

 

Why?

 

Because they don't take the time to know each other.

 

All they been doing is "Let's go out and play activity."

 

Seems like a friend zone material to me. Not worth it.

 

Did he not say "I'm not married to you, so you pull your own weight on this."

 

Blah blah blah.

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