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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Should She Break Up With Him Because Of Money Issues?

    Would like input from men and women regarding my girl friend's dating situation.
    We'll call her "Sandy" and him "John".

    Sandy's been seeing John for 5 months. She's been out of college for 8 months now & working as a teacher's aid (she's got a teaching degree) which earns very, very little. She also drives an old car that is constantly in and out of the repair shop. On top of paying her 40k debt. John is 9 years older than her, earns about 95k and recently bought a condominium.

    John likes 'fancy' dates, i.e. Broadway shows, comedy clubs, fine dining, romantic getaways, etc.

    The problem is, she can't afford her share for a lot of those dates. They have done simple things like bowling, movies, skating, diners, etc. in the past, but John tends to lean towards pricier dates. And he's also the type to ask her for her 50%. He has helped her cover the costs of some of those fancier dates, but overall, he wants her to pay her share.

    John also lives 1 hour's drive from her. Because she lives with her parents, he insists she drive over to his place. Her car is unreliable & costly to repair. But she always drives to his place.

    Recently, he's suggested a trip that would cost around 1k per person. She told him she can only give about $400. She has been very honest about her earnings & has told him flat out she can't afford the whole 1k. He hasn't offered to cover any costs of it.

    John's told her clearly that if they were married, he wouldn't mind paying for her trip, or other expenses but since they're just dating, he's unwilling to 'invest' such money.

    She's living paycheck to paycheck, and has been refusing to buy some things for herself (like a haircut, purse) because she's saving for future dates.
    For the past 2 weeks, she's told me her self-esteem went down because she's having financial struggles & the fact that John doesn't mind wasting $150 on a Broadway show makes her feel even poorer.

    Last edited by WhenWillILove; 02-14-2012 at 04:02 PM.

  2. #2
    Member WhiteLotus's Avatar
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    I don't know if the root issue is money here, but rather selfishness. If John liked rollercoasters, and Sandy didn't, would he insist that they go to amusement parks on every date and make her pay for her ticket too? He clearly is putting his needs and desires ahead of her well-being, and that is the sort of issue that I think will continue to be a problem even if they did get married and he proceeded to pay for her every expense afterward. He wants to do things his way and he doesn't seem to care if it is detrimental to her.
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhiteLotus View Post
    I don't know if the root issue is money here, but rather selfishness. If John liked rollercoasters, and Sandy didn't, would he insist that they go to amusement parks on every date and make her pay for her ticket too? He clearly is putting his needs and desires ahead of her well-being, and that is the sort of issue that I think will continue to be a problem even if they did get married and he proceeded to pay for her every expense afterward. He wants to do things his way and he doesn't seem to care if it is detrimental to her.
    She's told me they've done 'simple' dates numerous times but he's gotten bored of them & wants to experience the 'nicer' things.

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    Well honesetly what you're describing as 'fancy' dates don't seem unusual or extravagant in any way to me - they seem totally average. He's older and it's probably been so long since he's been broke like your gf that he can't even fathom that these outings are in any way 'fancy'. Bowling and skating seem high school to me.

    Nothing wrong with him not wanting to pay for all of this stuff. If she can't afford it she needs to tell him that and they can easily just do something else when they go out together.

    I don't understand why she would break up with him over this - he's done absoultely nothing wrong other than not remembering what it's like to be broke and unless she's been really clear with him about that he might not even know. I mean she's living at home so even if she doesn't make much, he's probably assuming she doesn't have much in the way of expenses either.

    I don't think $150 on a broadway show is a waste of money at all - that's very subjective.

    She is poor - there's nothing wrong with that and if it's affecting her self-esteem she should talk to someone about that because how much money you have *should* not have an overly disproportionate impact on your self-esteem.

    Also, if not being poor is important to her, she really chose the wrong profession. Did she not know how much teachers make prior to going into debt to get that degree?

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhiteLotus View Post
    I don't know if the root issue is money here, but rather selfishness. If John liked rollercoasters, and Sandy didn't, would he insist that they go to amusement parks on every date and make her pay for her ticket too? He clearly is putting his needs and desires ahead of her well-being, and that is the sort of issue that I think will continue to be a problem even if they did get married and he proceeded to pay for her every expense afterward. He wants to do things his way and he doesn't seem to care if it is detrimental to her.
    Okay, if I had 95k, then yeah, I wouldn't want to spend my weekends on the same 'simple' dates. Of course, I'd want the finer things in life, as they say.

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    Sadly, if it were me, I probably would. And it's not just about not being able to afford to keep up, but the fact that he isn't really taking her situation into account when making his plans. That's not really very cool.
    By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. - Confucius

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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by pl3asehelp View Post
    Well honesetly what you're describing as 'fancy' dates don't seem unusual or extravagant in any way to me - they seem totally average. He's older and it's probably been so long since he's been broke like your gf that he can't even fathom that these outings are in any way 'fancy'. Bowling and skating seem high school to me.

    Nothing wrong with him not wanting to pay for all of this stuff. If she can't afford it she needs to tell him that and they can easily just do something else when they go out together.

    I don't understand why she would break up with him over this - he's done absoultely nothing wrong other than not remembering what it's like to be broke and unless she's been really clear with him about that he might not even know. I mean she's living at home so even if she doesn't make much, he's probably assuming she doesn't have much in the way of expenses either.

    I don't think $150 on a broadway show is a waste of money at all - that's very subjective.

    She is poor - there's nothing wrong with that and if it's affecting her self-esteem she should talk to someone about that because how much money you have *should* not have an overly disproportionate impact on your self-esteem.

    Also, if not being poor is important to her, she really chose the wrong profession. Did she not know how much teachers make prior to getting that degree?
    Don't think you've read my thread entirely. Skating, bowling, movies- those are things she can afford. He wants fine dining, theater, spas, like every weekend.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by WhenWillILove View Post
    Don't think you've read my thread entirely. Skating, bowling, movies- those are things she can afford. He wants fine dining, theater, spas, like every weekend.
    Has she clearly told him she can't afford those things? I did read all of your post and the only thing I saw were you mentioned her making him aware of her financial troubles was the vacation. She made him aware she couldn't afford it, he didn't offer to pay - pretty simple, right? No reason to break up. They'll just not go on vacation. You mentioned she has low self esteem due to her financial situation - that alone makes me thing she's probably not entirely up front with him about what she can and can't afford. She seems to have a negative perception of being poor that leads to her self-esteem issue. She's probably ashamed so she's not telling him what she can't afford.
    Last edited by pl3asehelp; 02-14-2012 at 04:30 PM.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhiteLotus View Post
    I don't know if the root issue is money here, but rather selfishness. If John liked rollercoasters, and Sandy didn't, would he insist that they go to amusement parks on every date and make her pay for her ticket too? He clearly is putting his needs and desires ahead of her well-being, and that is the sort of issue that I think will continue to be a problem even if they did get married and he proceeded to pay for her every expense afterward. He wants to do things his way and he doesn't seem to care if it is detrimental to her.
    I agree with this. There seems to be a lack of consideration on his part.
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  10. #10
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    If John makes 95k a year why is he so concerned w/ money for a date HE wants.

    He sounds tight w/ his money & that's a turnoff to me.
    ive never been on a date where the date expected me to pay 50%
    Don't recommend going somewhere a. if your not going to pay for it & b. if you see your date can't afford it

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