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What do you do when you need more attention from your boyfriend?


Betterme

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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year but were FWB for about 2 years before we got together. I wanted to be with him so bad but he always would tell me he wasn't ready but 8 months ago we got together and things were good between us. Things are going well between us now but I have been feeling like I put alot of the effort in us hanging out together. I definitely did before we were together but now that we are together, alot hasnt changed in that field. I want my boyfriend to do more as far as giving me attention. When we are together, i can tell he really likes me and enjoys my company but he using his cellphone to check twitter and look on instagram a little more often than i would like. It is also me initiating that time we hang out and making the plans for us to hang out. I want him to call me to come over sometime, not always me.

 

I also get ALOT of male attention from other guys that are not my boyfriend. He knows this but I have done a good job at making him secure and not having worry about other guys, he doesn't really worry about that too much. And the truth is, i dont really care about other guys, however I think he has gotten too comfortable and is slacking off on making me feel like im wanted by him and i have been tempted to entertain the guys who always show interest in me. I really dont want to cheat with on my boyfriend or become romantically attracted to someone else because we live in the same town and if he ever found out, i would be crushed. When i told him i want more attention, he says im needy and its annoying and he likes his alone time sometimes...

 

I dont know what to do, all i really want is more attention from my boyfriend but i also dont want to miserable trying to get him to see i want more attention, when i have a bunch of other guys who would do it in a heart beat

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I dated a guy like this. He isn't willing to put forth the effort becasue he doesn't feel like he should have to. My ex would blow me off, never intiate time to hang out or ignore me while we were together. These are all signs he does not like you. You know the strong urge you have to pay attention to him? to call him or to see him? If you didn't have that urge wouldn't it worry you? If you like someone you listen and try to understand why they need more attention and try to work something out. you don't name call and say that they are needy. You are not needy. you care. and you found your self a guy who may care but doesn't care as much as you do and why stay with someone who doesn't feel the same way as you. Don't waste your time. You should have someone calling you, showing intrest in you, and wanting to spend his time with you.

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Kind of ironic considering you have all these guys willing to go out of their way just to give you attention, but you want the one guy who gives you the least.

 

And then, if he ever decides to give you the attention you want AND then more, you'll probably end up getting annoyed at why he doesn't do his own thing for a while or talk to anyone else and you'll eventually end it. Then the cycle repeats itself.

 

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to ask him to go somewhere, you don't have to have to ask him to come over, and you don't have to text/or call him at all. Like you said yourself, you have a line of suitors waiting to grab your hand. So what will you do, bask in the attention of someone else who worships you....or appreciate that your boyfriend doesn't need you to be happy and that he just likes to be happy when he is with you.

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If you have talked with him and he is not willing/able to put the work into making your relationship work, then it is not a good fit for you - even if you love him - and it is time for you to move on.

 

That is what dating is about - seeing who is compatible with you and who is not in the long run...

 

He and you either may be very different in your relationship expectations, or - he is not viewing this relationship as seriously as you are. Either way, it is time to move forward for your own sake. Why waste your time? You have given it a good try, and it is not your ideal relationship.

 

Sounds like you have some other possibilities and the longer you stay with this guy the more you delay getting to know someone that REALLY wants to put the effort into a relationship with you!

 

But don't cheat!!! Make a clean break, take some time to work on yourself, and then take the dating plunge with these other guys.

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I would talk to him first, but most people don't respond to talk so chances are things won't change too much. They might change a little, but not much. Then I just back off, completely. I don't initiate anything and then wait. It takes maybe a day or 2 before they freak out.

 

But tbh, if someone is that aloof and it's not working for you, it's an incompatibility thing. And that's something you can't really change.

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Being a guy and formerly being with someone who had a habit of nagging. I wouldn't go the less nagging route. I would go with the completely without nagging route. If he even picks up on a bit of nagging it will remind him of being nagged again and most likely not listen or his response will be short lived. Make sure you don't nag at all. And then later when you see evidence of him responding to you the way that you appreciate, let him know you are thankful and do in fact appreciate it. It will hit home, trust me.

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I'm going through somewhat similar issues. I know how you feel. My issue with my boyfriend is our schedules are opposite but I feel the same as you with him not paying attention to me enough. It really sucks feelings neglected. But if your boyfriend is anything like mine I know he cares about me, but he just doesn't put forth the effort sometimes to spend more time with me and I mean actually SPEND time. Not just sitting around the house, going out and doing stuff. I've had the issue with wanting attention from other guys, and it's a not so good feeling. It's like emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. I would do something about this now because that issue did lead me to be involved emotionally with another guy for awhile. My boyfriend knows about it and we worked it out but it's always going to leave a permanent mark on the relationship. Lately with our issues and me feeling neglected again I've gone back to feeling like I want attention from other guys, but I'm trying my hardest not to. I would cut off contact with the other guys, it leads to nothing good in the end. Make sure to address this issue, put your foot down. That is what I'm currently trying to do with my boyfriend. Good luck! To both of us...

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Being a guy and formerly being with someone who had a habit of nagging. I wouldn't go the less nagging route. I would go with the completely without nagging route. If he even picks up on a bit of nagging it will remind him of being nagged again and most likely not listen or his response will be short lived. Make sure you don't nag at all. And then later when you see evidence of him responding to you the way that you appreciate, let him know you are thankful and do in fact appreciate it. It will hit home, trust me.

 

This advice should be duly noted. Nagging makes things worse. While it is important to talk to him about this issue and get your needs met as you deserve, it's equally important to do so in a calm, loving, non accusatory way. Don't nag him, don't bring it up while you're fighting about something else. In short, don't let the emotions get the best of you. We all know that things can get escalated when emotional and consequently, can further damage the relationship, sometimes irreparably. Instead, save the conversation for a planned talk, say a walk in the park, for example. Compliment him genuinely about something you like about him, and then gradually transition into how YOU feel sad that YOU are not getting enough attention. That is, use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. For example, don't say, "You never give me enough attention." That will only provoke him to be defensive and not hear you out properly. Rather, say something like, "I feel sad (or whatever emotion you are feeling) that I don't get as much of your attention as I'd like. I understand you need some alone time but I also think it would really benefit our relationship and bring us closer together if we could."

 

This type of conflict-resolution approach is highly touted by therapists because it focuses on YOUR feelings, which are unique to you, and not on what he is doing, or on what he has done wrong in the past. So, it's not just merely "communicate" with him, but it's HOW you communicate with him that is vital. Hopefully you two can reach a compromise and see each other's perspectives when it comes to needing more attention or time together along with the necessity of space/alone time. If not, then at least you made a conscientious effort to engage in a healthy dialogue that provided him an opportunity to work constructively with you to reach an amicable solution to this situation.

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You need to first address your concerns with him and then get back with us and let us know what happened.

 

But as was suggested, you want to communicate your feelings in a non-accusatory fashion and allow him the chance to speak as well. I'm telling you right now, nagging will only draw further distance between yourself and your boyfriend. Men hate that. The idea is to get him to open up and nagging him to death will only make him pull back even further.

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I would put dont text when having special times with me on your list of requirements for your next relationship. Seriously.

Any one of us will pick up a book and start reading it or make call or watch telly or go onto a computer or text in other peoples company, but only when things are in that social space where it makes sense to "play alongside".

Not nagging, but explaining once that you find it rude, and in future pulling out a book and reading it until he finds your company desirable again might be sensible. Or giving him a peck on the cheek, saying you will see him later, and leaving until next time when he does it since he obviously prefers his phones company to you would make sense to me.

 

FWB can be awesome, but since you wanted more- think about for the future about if a guy doesnt want to make the effort to actually be seen to be with you and go out with you, do you want to make the effort to even be polite to them.

 

I personally think you can nag him all you like so long as he feels really great about himself around you, but if nagging makes either you feel bad, but yu still feel you have to do it- maybe he isnt the one for you.

 

I like the make a bit less effort and see what he does idea. Maybe its time for him to be the one chasing. But you know your guy, and maybe that wont work- maybe he just doesnt have much pep or self motivation.

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