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  1. #1
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    she's always tired or sick

    Hi all,
    Just wondering how to better approach this situation. My wife tells me nearly every day that she is either tired or sick. We have 2 small kids, so this is actually true for both of us most of the time.

    Now, I love my wife and am very attracted to her. However, if she's already told me today that she's either sick or tired, I don't 'feel' like it's nice, let alone loving, to her to want to have sex with her. To me, that would be really selfish behavior on my part. She often complains we don't have sex enough and when I've told her that when she tells me she's tired or sick that I'm not going to come a knocking, she thinks that means I'm just not attracted to her enough. Like I shouldn't be able to control myself. Well, I've had a lot of sex in my life and I enjoy it very much, but not so much that I'd ever want to have sex with someone who's sick just because I happen to be horny - that's just not a turn on for me at all. She's gone as far as telling me that even is she has told me she's sick or tired, I need to try anyway because she deserves the 'choice' and that by me not initiating when she's told me she's sick or tired I'm robbing her of that choice. This is frustrating to me because I think bothering a sick or tired person for sex is selfish and basically the opposite of love, however this is what she expects of me.

    Should I just bite the bullet and do as she says? I feel like I wouldn't really be myself behaving that way...

  2. #2
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    LOL, she deserve the choice? So, it's fair to you if she denies you sex, just so she can feel attractive? Both people in a marriage should make the attempt to initiate and maintain their mutual sex life.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by LaKings55 View Post
    LOL, she deserve the choice? So, it's fair to you if she denies you sex, just so she can feel attractive? Both people in a marriage should make the attempt to initiate and maintain their mutual sex life.
    Yeah, I've pointed this out to her before and it doesn't change. She gets to feel attractive and how am I supposed to feel after the constant denials? I think part of the problem is her relationship history - many of her previous relationships have really been based on looks/sex and I think a huge part of her self worth is wrapped up in that. So I try to be nice to her and not get at her when she's got a headache, and I get criticized.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member InvisibleWound's Avatar
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    If shes sick or tired maybe she should just initiate with you as that would give a clear "ok" to go. When my boyfriend is sick I hug him goodnight, I don't normally get all over him and want sex and he doesn't bother me if I am sick either. I don't know anyone who really does it when their sick... And I am not really sure what this "choice" crap is about. Shes sick... Case closed either she wants it or she doesn't. And it seems pointless to try and have sex and then have her decide she doesn't want to, where does that leave you? Dissapointed and unsatisfied. Sorry it just seems like a bit of a mind game to me...

  5. #5
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    Hey SoTired:
    Regarding the sex, you definitely should initiate something, even if she shoots you down. Girls like to feel that our partners still find us sexy and attractive and desirable. If you're not initiating, she may think you no longer see these traits in her.

    The tired/sick part, I can understand and relate to... Maybe you could take some work off her shoulders by getting a housekeeper to come in once a week, or finding a few nights a week that you cook so that burden is off her shoulders. (I won't go into too much detail on all that because you may already have a household where you do your fair share and then some.. I do not know. But if she's tired, I would suggest assessing her workload and seeing what you can do).

    You could also try taking her out of her element a bit. One of the best dates I've ever been on was when my significant took me on a kid-free day. We went to the spa, enjoyed a couples massage and a nice dinner out, and spent the evening at a nice hotel nearby (where I didn't have to think about chores, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc.)

    Just some food for thought...

  6. #6
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    Time to consider marriage counseling. It's unfair to expect you to pull all the weight. I just have this image of a man asking his wife for sex, because she wants him to ask and then getting "No, not today, I don't feel like it. But thanks for asking" Something just doesn't sound right to me.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by katmarie View Post
    Hey SoTired:
    Regarding the sex, you definitely should initiate something, even if she shoots you down. Girls like to feel that our partners still find us sexy and attractive and desirable. If you're not initiating, she may think you no longer see these traits in her.
    Men also want to feel that their partners are attracted to them. I'm all for men initiating sex, but it can be quite the turn on when women do it as well.

  8. #8
    Platinum Member LDRohnos's Avatar
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    Sure she doesn't mean "sick AND tired"?

    They're excuses man. Just like a child will say their belly hurts so they don't have to go to school, she's telling you her belly hurts so she doesn't need to have sex with you.

    Is she depressed? Unless she has a chronic illness and she's legitimately "sick" this is pure shenanigans and a way to avoid intimacy. If she's always "sick" when you're in the mood and never initiates anything that is quite unfair to you.

    Relationships ebb and flow, granted. Maybe she's just in a bad place right now and needs to get out of it but it's her RESPONSIBILITY both to you and more importantly to herself to do it. If she's not taking that responsibility seriously then you need to tell her that. She needs to take some accountability here.

    Other than that, are you doing all you can to show her that she's attractive to you in other ways still? Taking her out for dinner on a "date", taking the kids away for a day so she can have some time to herself or running a hot bath for her at night? Things like that can be easily forgotten in the "routine" of life and it could be a cause as well.
    "I am one of those Melodramatic fools, Neurotic to the bone. No doubt about it."

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by katmarie View Post
    Hey SoTired:
    Regarding the sex, you definitely should initiate something, even if she shoots you down. Girls like to feel that our partners still find us sexy and attractive and desirable. If you're not initiating, she may think you no longer see these traits in her.

    The tired/sick part, I can understand and relate to... Maybe you could take some work off her shoulders by getting a housekeeper to come in once a week, or finding a few nights a week that you cook so that burden is off her shoulders. (I won't go into too much detail on all that because you may already have a household where you do your fair share and then some.. I do not know. But if she's tired, I would suggest assessing her workload and seeing what you can do).

    You could also try taking her out of her element a bit. One of the best dates I've ever been on was when my significant took me on a kid-free day. We went to the spa, enjoyed a couples massage and a nice dinner out, and spent the evening at a nice hotel nearby (where I didn't have to think about chores, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc.)

    Just some food for thought...
    So when she tells me she has a headache, I'm supposed to start making my move? Really? I just don't get it. To me, that is the equivalent of saying 'yeah, i heard you that you don't feel good, but I don't really care about that because I'm horny and that's more important than how you feel'.

    We're both way way overworked with the kids, though I pull (as most who know us would agree) way more than my weight at home.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by LDRohnos View Post
    Sure she doesn't mean "sick AND tired"?

    They're excuses man. Just like a child will say their belly hurts so they don't have to go to school, she's telling you her belly hurts so she doesn't need to have sex with you.

    Is she depressed? Unless she has a chronic illness and she's legitimately "sick" this is pure shenanigans and a way to avoid intimacy. If she's always "sick" when you're in the mood and never initiates anything that is quite unfair to you.

    Relationships ebb and flow, granted. Maybe she's just in a bad place right now and needs to get out of it but it's her RESPONSIBILITY both to you and more importantly to herself to do it. If she's not taking that responsibility seriously then you need to tell her that. She needs to take some accountability here.

    Other than that, are you doing all you can to show her that she's attractive to you in other ways still? Taking her out for dinner on a "date", taking the kids away for a day so she can have some time to herself or running a hot bath for her at night? Things like that can be easily forgotten in the "routine" of life and it could be a cause as well.
    I do think she's depressed - she's taken medication for it in the past and has a prescription now even, though she won't take them because she's worried about how they'll affect her ability to get life insurance.

    Thing is, this complaint is coming from her. I'm not complaining that we don't have enough sex, though I would like much more. I understand she's depressed, sick, tired, whatever and I don't complain about that because I love her and want her to feel good. It's her who is complaining we don't have enough sex. I think I'm doing a lot to show her in other ways. I take the kids pretty much any time I'm not at work, giving her a break, which basically leaves me never getting a break - then I get criticized for it.

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