Sick from Loneliness - I need some encouraging words

Hello all, and happy holidays:

I don't really know where to turn. I have been single for a long time and its going on two years since I've had intercourse. I need sex, but I need love and affection far more. I'm 38 years old and a very attractive female. I am in shape, a size 4, and look younger than my age. I can't get a date. I write to men online via sites like OkCupid or CL and don't get many responses, if at all. I go out by myself often, and am rarely, if ever approached. I smile, and chat with many people - I don't sit around at home. I put myself out there. I approach others, and I have been involved in many activities over the past 2 years. I live in the City. And, I am just not getting anywhere. I get more attention from married / attached guys, and I want nothing to do with that.

I want to have a family, and I never wanted to have a children at 40 something. As it looks, I would be lucky if that happens. Guys my age, think I am too old, and don't want to date me (yes they have said this to me, and even referred to me as "older") - though I am smarter and more beautiful that many women in their early thirties - I am getting screwed. I have even been told "better divorced with kids", then "never married and no kids"---What is this world coming to?

I feel trapped in a terrible place, and I am plagued with an anxiety that I am going to end up alone. This is NOT what I wanted for my life. I have no issues going to dinner by myself, or doing activities by myself - I do it all the time - but I am done with it. I am done being alone. It's killing me.

I feel like I have been mourning a death, with this fear of being alone, and that I may never have a child or that I haven't had one. I am so angry, and I cry so much about it when I am alone. I have even woken up in cold sweat (like one of those dreams where you feel like you are being burried alive), and it was me realizing..."I am still single."

I am so scared. I am very close with my mother, but my brother and I have a poor relationship, so I don't get to spend as much time with my nephews as I would like. I feel like without my mother, that will be it, I will be all alone, with no really family connection. People have even in passing already suggested I buy long term care insurance!

I am a very nurturing person, and not to have someone else in my life to take interest in is killing me. Taking care of myself alone is boring to me. It's not that I don't have interest in myself, but I am an extrovert, and I can only focus on myself so long before I just feel like, what's the f'ing point if I have no one to share it with.

I have a great body and I have no man to share it with. And, the older I get the harder it is to maintain it. The same goes for many other features.

I don't sleep around or do one night stands, nor would I find them satisfying, so here I am, trapped. And quite frankly, I haven't had an offer from an attractive enough person for casual sex anyway. I just think this is very strange what is happening.

The lack of a partner and sex, is now severely impacting me on a daily basis. I am suffering a low grade depression of course, and I don't understand how I got here or why I deserve this. My ex was a fraud (you can read back if you are interested - and stole nearly 3 years (1.5 +1.5 recovery) of my last-chance years), and I am continuing to a pay a price for having met him (despite him being out of my life) since now, men my age or men who still want families, think I am too old, and simply don't respond to my reaching out.

Not also to mention, that men who I do meet do not appreciate my not wanting to rush into sex, because I at least want to be comfortable and turned on by knowing them a bit. It's like they think I am from another planet and they loose interest immediately.

Does this get better? How is it that I can't even meet someone I am attracted to and could be comfortable to sleep with. How is what is happening to me possible? How can I have not met ANYONE worth dating, for at least a little while? I can understand, if I locked myself in my house and did nothing, but this is unreal.

And, truthfully I am dying inside and can barely handle it day by day anymore. 2 years! 2 years! It's hard to stay positive and encouraged. Maybe there are other things I can do?

Don't get too down, it's seriously not the end of the world. I'm sure you'll find someone.

Regarding your online dating profile, have you done everything you can to make it the best profile ever? A lot of good photos, a decent amount of writing to read and do you sound interesting, friendly and approachable?

I have many photos on my profile. I have a had a couple of male friends look at it, and they thought it was nice. It's simple and says some nice things about. I write guys very nice e-mails, mentioning something about what I read about them, and they don't write back. Maybe I will take another stab at it or try Match.

Thank you.

A lot of men on dating sites will go after the women who write the clichéd stuff that implies "romance" (sex). So there has to be lots of words about cuddling, romantic getaways, fireplaces, candlelight and all those other "romantic" (sex) clichés in order to get the "interest" from the men. Bottom line is that the online sites attract a lot of men who want sex first and then maybe, just maybe they will think about a relationship. So it is much better for their ego if they can get a much younger woman to have "romance" (sex) with than someone their age.

I have experienced what you are experiencing so I fully understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately there is not much you can do. Plenty of women in their late 30's and 40's find tons of men to date...but those are the women who tend to be flirty and give off the air of "romance" (sex)..or they gravitate to the men 10-20 years older than they are because those are the men who approach them. You are who you are and some poeple are just not man magnets. What you can do is accept your life as it is, keep trying but don't let it get you down because life is too short to have it hinge on whether or not you find a partner. Also, look around you at a lot of marriages... I have seen plenty of unhappy ones where the partners may be together and even have sex, but they are emotionally absent from the relationship and there is no sense of real togetherness.

I can so relate with your post..you can not believe. I have done the celibacy thing..but then allowed myself to find that 'middle ground' again. and that has also not brought me the results I needed. It is really tough out there for women in our age group. Really really tough. I am overwhelmed by the fears of ending up alone. Its so sad sometimes. But you just got to keep going.

My girlfriend was 38 when she found 'her dreamguy'..they bought a big house, moved in together..9 months later had a baby. Now she is in a depression because everything went so fast, doesnt desire to have sex with the man and she found out that in the beginning of their relationship he cheated on her.. There goes dreamland.

So no matter how lonely I might feel..i sure as hell dont want that.. So go out there..and learn to approach guys on the streets. I am going to pratice this myself. Scares me...but i'm done with the online dating decade. Didnt bring me anything. Its time for something 'new'.

This is one of the problems dating in the late 30's and beyond...many people are desperate to show that they are married and have that "dream life" that they rush into it or just grab anyone. Sounds like she rushed into it and he just wanted to married for the sake of showing people that he was married...because clearly he was not committed.

Hi Unknown,

I surely can sympathize with your loneliness. I'm 31 had a 5-year relationship end this past summer and have never been more lonely in my life. People always tell me, "Josh, your happiness should not depend on another person." But, I think that advice doesn't apply to everyone. In many respects, I'm the opposite of you in that I'm more introverted (by choice) than extroverted. Still, I am never happier than when I have someone special to embrace, talk to, confide in, depend on, laugh with, and admire. So, sure, maybe a person's happiness SHOULDN'T depend on another. Yet, some of us just enjoy life a hell of a lot more when there's someone by our side. In fact, I feel this so much so that it has always caused me to go back-and-forth on the topic of having children. Sometimes, I think I would like to be a father someday. Other times, I just can imagine sharing any woman that I love, heart and soul, with a bunch of munchkins Maybe that sounds odd. Yet, as someone who is more introverted, I really do prize the relationship with my significant other above all else.

I am on OKCupid myself, and I do find some women who are nice conversationalists. However, my problem is that I live in a somewhat small town and that NO ONE is interested in dating someone who lives very far away. So, my options are limited. This is unfortunate, because I work from home as a writer and could live just about anywhere. Thus, I wish that people were more open-minded about the long-distance situation. Sure, it's a hassle in the beginning. But, it doesn't have to be that way forever.

In my relationship that just ended, my girlfriend was 5 years younger (26 when we split). Trust me, there are many times that I wished she was a bit more mature. So, I'm puzzled that you can't find a guy to date you if you're 38 and somewhat attractive. I would never have a problem dating someone 7 years older than me. Anyway, trust me, there are guys out there like me who know that age is just a number. It all comes down to attraction and physically is how most men are going to validate themselves when they're around you. So, even though you clearly don't like entering into the physical side of a relationship too soon, we men are a bit different, I think. And, just because we love sex and want it every day, practically from the beginning of the relationship, doesn't mean that we're only looking for that on a casual basis. In the same token, I know what you mean by wanting to get to know someone first before hitting the sheets. Sex can be so much more fulfilling when you've really fallen for someone.

Anyway... may your loneliness not be your life much longer. I think mine is caused by the fact that I rarely put myself out there. Everything I liked to do outside of my house was with the ex. Trying to enjoy those same kinds of activities after a break-up is difficult. Sigh.

Josh

Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. I am shocked at how hard it is for me to even get asked out on a date! I never imagined this. Once you say your don't do one night stands, men just walk away. When I grew up, that was a something you respected.

As I said, the loneliness is making me ill. It's like a daily punishment that doesn't go away, no matter how many attempts I make to change it.

Thanks and happy holidays.

I will say, in my experience, men don't always approach a single lady at a bar. Sometimes they are unsure - thinking she must be waiting for someone else, especially if she is pretty. When she is out with another woman, they don't have that impression. Also, some people that go to a bar alone want to be alone. I would probably skip bars and dance clubs and start volunteering for a cause that's important to you, such as helping with a charity auction or dinner, swinging a hammer for habitat for humanity, etc. When you are doing something that you feel matters, you give off a less apprehensive air. And you meet people who care about the same things. You could meet a great man, or meet great men and women who have brothers, sons and roommates and single friends that they end up bringing to the finished project/event too. The more people you can include in your network, the more likely you are to meet someone. Guys our age are not concentrating on meeting us at specific places. They are doing the hobbies, going to the jobs they have for years.

Also, if you are generally somewhere because of the event or show and aren't there specifically to meet guys, it helps. Guys tend to sense when you are just there to try and meet someone.

When I was younger, I never got asked out. But i realized that i sort of rejected guys before they approached me. I would sometimes not hold a conversation with a guy if I decided he wasn't for me, when I should have, because you never know who he knows and its good practice.

Also, have you tried SPeed dating? I never have, but I have heard of people who had fun.

I would also try for awhile reviewing your profile a bit as far as online dating and take a break from contacting guys for a couple months. See who contacts you instead just to see what happens.

I just wanted to add that my boyfriend is not too much older than me - you CAN find someone and don't have to relegate yourself to much older men. In fact, I encourage you, if your profile doesn't state it, to change the age of men you are looking for. If you won't date anyone under 38, try going 34 and older. 4 years isn't a big diff at those ages and you might find a guy who is more likely to want kids than if you look for older guys. Also, if do you have your preferences geared towards looking for single, widowed and divorced men? if you don't, I would encourage you. I am divorced and was glad my guy gave me the chance. He previously wouldn't consider divorced women and was glad he did.

How do you feel about tall, dark and handsome (and younger) (and nice) (but not too nice) guys?

Thank you abitbroken.

You are right about the activities. Over the past couple of years, I have regularly been rock climbing and have met nice people (but nothing romantic has ever come of it), I have taken comedy and improv classes in City (even did some onstage performances with others), taken classes of other kinds, and I generally always happily except (and seek out) invitations to parties and events that I am invited to, especially when there are people I don't know, etc. I have even attended many meetups over the past few years. And no one. Made some friends / aquantances, but nothing worth pursuing.

I met my awful ex on Match, so I was reluctant to get back online...I only signed up on OkCupid over the summer. The week of my 38th birthday. I've also called matchmakers, etc.

I know I need to do more - especially the volunteer stuff, which you suggested. I would of course being doing that alone, but guess for that it wouldn't matter.

Bars - yes, I have gone to bars by myself. It is hit or miss. Sometimes I will meet people (girls and boys) to chat with, and sometimes not. I don't think it is a very good avenue - I agree. Better to be with other girlfriends, but I am so often alone, and have no one to take with me, and I don't want to sit alone at home as it makes me feel even worse sometimes.

I am open to dating younger guys (in fact my profile lists 36 - as the lower limit), but one day I will post the responses I got from one of the 36/37 years olds - Unbelievable (almost laughable). He gave me a lesson (albeit, an insulting one) that I should adjust my age range, as no man wants to have babies with what he called an "older" woman. We all know he is a A**, but that was within my first week on OkCupid, and most of the behavior I have seen is proving the arrogant twit right....

I am ok with divorced or widowed guys. I think that it is pretty much to expected at this age. I think it would a be challenge to be with someone with kids.

Like I said, I do feel like I am morning a death, with worrying about having time to have a child. Have already looked into artificial insemination --- but really don't want to do it by myself.

I will try and do more volunteer work and I think maybe I need to go to church.

But, I think you can understand that I am so TIRED. Its a weight on my shoulder that is holding me back, and being so deathly lonely isn't helping my energy. I am scared to remove focus, because I might end up being 41 and single. But then, I am also tempted to just give up, as it's a heavy weight and I think about doing things that would make situation worse - sinking myself into work and a new business - but I would be kissing meeting someone or having baby good bye. If I was paired, I could finally get past this. Not to mention the situation is making me feel down, and hurting my ability at work anyway. I desperately feel this need to be nurtured and loved. It was fine for a 1.5 years or so, but I am reaching my limit of being able to maintain a too strong or an ...if it happens.. anymore. And that latter vibe clearly didn't help my chances of meeting anyone.

I feel like I am dying inside, and I know I can't bring in a man if I feel this level of loneliness, so I feel like I am in a never ending cycle. You think I could just find a FWB just to get past some of this and have some fun - and I can't even find that! It's awful.

Will continue to pound the pavement. "All we can do is breath"

How do you feel about tall, dark and handsome (and younger) (and nice) (but not too nice) guys?

I like tall dark and handsome of course. What is not too nice mean? Also, the age depends. A few years is fine, but there is too young.

I like tall dark and handsome of course. What is not too nice mean? Also, the age depends. A few years is fine, but there is too young.

Not too nice means nice, respectful, a gentleman...but also willing to poke fun of you a bit, stand up for himself, not be a pushover, etc.

Maybe 28?

loneliness kills.

I'm here for you!!

loneliness kills.

Please, I hope you did not give up. Reading your story really helped me. Even so many years later, your words really make me feel that I am not the only one who went through such pain. My story is almost identical to yours. I hope that you have found a wonderful partner because you really deserve it. Thank you.

I read this and can totally relate (except I'm a guy - And apparently it's weak for us to feel or express thoughts of loneliness because it's not what "alpha" males do).

I know what the feeling is like ... Waking up in the morning with nobody beside you feels awful.

Having dated girls in their late 20s to late 30s, I actually gravitate more towards ones that are older than I am. So much more mature, have learned from many life experiences and have their "stuff" together.

Anyways, You seem like an awesome person. The reality is that dating in your 30s and above is super challenging to say the least, especially when you're not into the bar/club scene. Doing fun activities like you stated (rock climbing) is great, it might still be a little challenging to meet singles. If I was in your position, I'd overcome the fact that you met your toxic ex online, and continue with online dating, and focus on the paid sites. The key to being successful with online dating is to have a VERY interesting profile. Mediocre profiles with non-unique facts will likely attract mediocre conversations and such. Write about what makes you unique. What makes you awesome. Write random facts. Make sure you've posted pictures of you being happy, get professional ones if needed.

You never mentioned (unless I missed it) wh

Hang in there, you're not alone.