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Do they ever come back after dating someone else?


playstheblues

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I found out my ex is dating someone else. Obviously I'm devastated because he told me that he wasn't seeing anyone and didn't intend to see anyone else for some time. What a lie. I guess I'm feeling desperate because I genuinely do miss him- do they ever come back from this? I am going to try to move on, so that's not really what I mean- but all through the day I'm struck with pangs and feel simply awful. I loved him and thought we had a future together. He's confused and doesn't know what he wants after 9 years. He has said he is unsure why we have broken up but does list the fact that he thinks he's more positive than I, which is a bit true when it comes to little things- but not true when it comes to the big picture. He's actually clinically depressed so for him to say that is a little bit patronizing although I guess he is allowed to think what he wants- I just want to get back together- even after all this. Is there anything I can do? I have said - I hope she is nice and you are happy but Qit would have been nice for you to tell me the truth- there was no need to lie. Why would he lie to me about it? If we were broken up (which we were) I dont understand. Does him dating someone else mean that he is over me? I'm not even at the point of being able to contemplate dating and he has just sought treatment for depression and his meds have just kicked in, so I don't know how he could either.

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They do sometimes. But honestly, do you really want someone back who felt the need to go see if he can get better than you and then comes back when he realises he cant?

There is nothing you can do I am afraid, in this situation any attempt you do at trying to get him back will just look pathetic. All you can do is forget about him and move on, what you have said already was very graceful so well done.

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Why would he lie to me about it? If we were broken up (which we were) I dont understand. Does him dating someone else mean that he is over me? I'm not even at the point of being able to contemplate dating and he has just sought treatment for depression and his meds have just kicked in, so I don't know how he could either.

 

I think I have tried to explain my take on this a few times, and I still believe it holds true. Whether or not he broke up with you, I still think he believes he is trying to save hurting you further by lying about seeing someone else. I will probably get shot down here for saying this, but I truly believe he is not a bad person. He is also confused and hurt and looking for ways to cope with it, and this unfortunate girl is part of it. I also believe that he is not 'over you' whether it seems like he is or not. All you are doing is going over and over the same things in your head and driving yourself crazy. This is not healthy, nor is it helpful to you. People cope with things in different ways - because you can't contemplate dating doesn't mean he can't either. Our minds work in crazy ways when we are looking for answers.

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We dont know the answer to your question. I think it's safe to say more often than not, they don't come back. I had the odd case where my ex saw someone very briefly, came back to me, but then I saw someone, then later came back to him. But I don't want to tell you that because him and I are slowly working on things that I am the norm. Because honestly I am not the norm, my situation isn't I'd say the most common that I see on the boards. And needless to say because we did see people, its caused some slowdown and rifts.. I am okay with him seeing someone, but me dating and add his already intense jealousy, he's all messed up.

 

I try to remind people that yes, we all want them back but now I know first hand that reconciliation is a hell of a lot of work. It's a breakup 2.0 sometimes. All you can do is heal , so if he doesn't come back, you will be okay, and so that if he does, you're able to take it from there. It's a fine line betweem being too far gone and healed to the point that you no longer want them and between being so messed up you haven't healed and still hold resentment and so on. That fine line is kind of also a big part why reconciliation is hard and sometimes just never works. Once a bond of a relationship is broken, it is VERY hard to get on the same page needs-wise.

 

So, work on yourself, take some NC, keep your job, keep your friends and family closer. I know its easier said than done. But at the end of the day you are living your life through your eyes and not him, and its all you.

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lyou guys have been together for 9 years so clearly he won't just forget about you and I am sure he will not forget about you either way having gone through a similar situation I can tell you this much from my own experience of things my ex of 8 years went off with someone behind my back, tried to string me along and see this girl at the same time. I cut off all contact with him and eventually told him I knew about this girl. He tried to deny the whole thing and I told him we will no longer talk in the end unless it is a real emergancy type situation.

 

the thing that you need to think about is if your ex is trying to keep you on one side whilst he is testing the waters with other women let him do that, cause rarely do they met someone better than the person they had person, especially after a long term relationship. Do not be his friend, call him or nothing whilst he is is off doing his off thing, cut off all contact, as hard as it might be for you cut off all contact do not be an option for him in his life, that will only make the situation with him worse and let him back to you when he is ready.

 

just remember after 9 years he will not just forget about you but you just have to play things correctly with him from now and see what happens but in the mean time move on with your life, cause they normally always come back once you have moved on and if it helps at all I have 4 sisters at home each and everyone of there exs came back to them at one point or another for one reason or another.

 

try and stay strong ok and keep busy in the mean time but whatever you do leave your ex to live his life now, let him miss you and see what life is like without you.

 

and if this helps you at all my ex never tried to string me along to spare my feelings he did this cause he wanted to keep me on one side incase him and this girl fell through, so in the end I had no choice but to cut off all contact with him, put him in a situation where he had to be with this girl and do a lot of research online and read up on what has happened when other people have been faced with there exs doing the whole grass is greener, rebounds thing

 

honestly though I have slowly got through things with my ex feel better than ever now but you have just gotta play the game with your ex correctly now and move on with your life, If you decide to stay in contact then it will only make his relationship with other females stronger and he will get over you that much quicker that is why as hard as it might be cut off all contact, stop asking him questions as well cause a lot of what he tells you might just be alll lies now

best of luck

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Do they ever come back after dating someone else?

Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. You can't predict and neither can we.

 

I found out my ex is dating someone else. Obviously I'm devastated because he told me that he wasn't seeing anyone and didn't intend to see anyone else for some time. What a lie.

No, not necessarily. People change their minds. Anyway, after a break-up, most people start dating someone else sooner or later. It's painful for you I know because you still have feelings for him. You're better off not looking for information about him.

 

I am going to try to move on,

Yes, that's all you can realistically do now.

 

Is there anything I can do?

Yes, leave him alone and try to move on. Simple but also very difficult. Keep going.

 

Does him dating someone else mean that he is over me?

You don't know. Worry about how you can get over him, not how he's getting over you

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The commitment is off, most ex's will find someone else, if they havent already.

 

I usually see it as: girl breaks up with me, i go nc... she dates around, gets used or the relationship doesnt work out... checks up on me since i never rejected her, i represent stable commitment unlike her last experience... then i tell her to jump off a building.

 

But.. if that person is better... then you are out of luck.

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I have a different perspective. I think successful reconciliations usually happen after a long separation, and I think seeing/dating/screwing other people in the interim is an inevitability, not a deal-breaker.

 

Agree with Brownstone. Dating other people is a natural thing during the long separation which is needed for both dumper and dumpee to get to decide what and who they really want. I'm happy I did, and I sure hope my ex did too.

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I'm on the same boat. I was replaced the minute he left my house. He must have really resented me, or i might have really hurt him too much, or maybe.. our characters really don't match. I am still struggling to accept this too. I feel hurt and betrayed, but the others are right. It is inevitable. All of us are just searching for happiness, and everyone has a different way of coping and dealing with pain. They are looking out for themselves, and they are doing what they think is best for them at the moment, and we really can't blame them for that.

 

No one knows what will happen in the future. Maybe they will come back, maybe they won't. If it is a better match, and their personalities/characters complement each other better than what they have with us, then they will never come back. It is very painful, but maybe it is better it happened sooner, so that we should not hold on to hope. Because, sometimes hope is dangerous when you are trying to let go.

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Every situation is different.......there are so many variables......it's like trying to win the lotto, predicting the numbers???? you won't...predict if they will come back......you can't....

 

Some people come back, some don't....I feel even if they find a better match......they may come back at some point...who's to say 3 years down the road, the person they left you for has changed....and so have they, and for that matter, you will have to, nobody can say that you won't cross paths again, meet as friends and rekindle something....nobody can say you may never see them again.....

 

You just can't possibly say yes, or no....what's important is that you start sorting out your life, getting you sthi together....move forward...and deal with right here, right now, forget any hopes and dreams, all harder done than said, but if you sit and wait for them, that bus will may never come....

 

Sort your life out, they are dead to you now.........if by fate they should come back into your life, make sure you are in the best possible frame of mind to deal with it......just my 2 pennies worth

 

jonesy

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Sometimes they do, sometimes they dont. My last ex came back after 3.5 months and although I was doing much better post break-up I still had that little emotional attachment. I dont know if he dated someone else or not, but I politely let him know that Im not interested in getting together again because Im sure he hasnt changed in three months. We did meet up and talk/laugh like old times, but I just couldnt see myself going backwards after all this progression that I made.

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There is no way he is completely over you. Nor will he ever be. Last summer a woman I dated for only a year looked me up on the internet and left messages for me on my office phone, that, for some reason, I didn't get until a month later. I didn't call her back. I thought about it pretty hard, though. It had been almost twenty years since we had been together. And she had dumped me. This past summer, I traveled halfway around the world for business and found myself in a city where, I learnt, another ex of mine lived. We had been together for 3 years, 25 years ago. I also didn't contact her, but I looked her up on fb and found her address and, pretty much did everything but contact her. That BU was pretty bad, though. She had asked me to marry her, I said no, she went off and slept with some of my friends etc etc. Still, if I had bumped into her while I was there, I would have gladly spent time with her. In the interim, I've been with lots of other women. I still didn't forget, or, stop caring about these two. Nor, unless it was a very short relationship, or, 'relationship' did I forget or stop caring about the others. And those relationships were not nearly as significant as yours, it sounds like. Or, at least not as long. He misses you. He doubts, sometimes, whether he did the right thing by leaving you. Virtually all dumpers feel this way, unless there's some extraordinary circumstances which caused the break up. And, even then, they still will be awash in emotions about it. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean they will try to win you back. Humans do not form bonds of the sort you have and then easily break them. But conversely, they don't find it easy to admit they made a mistake, for the most part either. And, also, even though he may feel conflicted at times, he may not feel he's made a mistake. Yet.

My advice, like others is to be patient. Be cool. Try your best to keep a clear head. If he does come sniffing back around, and, more than likely he will, you need to be in condition to draw him back in fully. And, many won't agree with this advice here, but I say go out and date yourself. Not to find a replacement or to make him jealous, just to get out there and remind yourself that you're attractive and there are other interesting people out there worth spending a little bit of time with.

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Unfortunately, that doesn't mean they will try to win you back. Humans do not form bonds of the sort you have and then easily break them. But conversely, they don't find it easy to admit they made a mistake, for the most part either. And, also, even though he may feel conflicted at times, he may not feel he's made a mistake. Yet.

 

Pride sometimes is our worst ennemy!

 

My advice, like others is to be patient. Be cool. Try your best to keep a clear head. If he does come sniffing back around, and, more than likely he will, you need to be in condition to draw him back in fully. And, many won't agree with this advice here, but I say go out and date yourself. Not to find a replacement or to make him jealous, just to get out there and remind yourself that you're attractive and there are other interesting people out there worth spending a little bit of time with.

 

Also, dating other people helps you realize you're not idealizing your ex, which is a common and human mistake as a dumpee. But you have to wait for a certain amount of time before you go out and meet new people, because if not your judgement may very well be clouded by selective memories (the good times with the ex).

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Insecurity, loneliness, patch the hole of familiarity and comfort... thats what they want. Keep this in mind when the ex comes around throwing roses and reading poetry all of a sudden. This is why its key to build attraction, because even though it might seem its packed, stored and delivered like a romance novel, there is still the anxiety that you were second-string.

 

I know my cousin went through this, and hes married with her, so i am not saying this is every case... and he played his cards very, very well with attraction to keep her.

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The commitment is off, most ex's will find someone else, if they havent already.

 

I usually see it as: girl breaks up with me, i go nc... she dates around, gets used or the relationship doesnt work out... checks up on me since i never rejected her, i represent stable commitment unlike her last experience... then i tell her to jump off a building.

 

But.. if that person is better... then you are out of luck.

 

See the thing I'm worried about is not that the new girl will be able to form a better bond with him- in his own words we were beat friends and soulmates ( * * * - break up wih best friend and soul mate) but that the new relaionship will be new and exciting - something i cannot compete with. We were in a rut so im worried that he will be do happy initially that he will be able to forget about me/ use her to ease himself off me and then will just be fine.

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Yes, it can happen.

 

It would be better to start working on yourself now, though, rather than later and sitting at home constantly expecting him to come back on a silver platter.

 

Also, don't expect anything - you don't want to be caught up in false hope over someone who may not even be worth your time.

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I have a different perspective. I think successful reconciliations usually happen after a long separation, and I think seeing/dating/screwing other people in the interim is an inevitability, not a deal-breaker.

 

Okay- I can definitely see that perspective but I keep thinking, if they are able to 'replace' you so easily after being together such a long time then maybe it won't work. To break up with someone is obviously a huge thing so he has invested a lot of energy into the breakup hence why he would try harder to make things work with the new girl, to justify to himself that he has made the right decision (he does need to justify it because he is unsure- he's told me this). I think he will also keep repeating the reasons in his head so that h can move on. Do you think that is likely?

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See the thing I'm worried about is not that the new girl will be able to form a better bond with him- in his own words we were beat friends and soulmates ( * * * - break up wih best friend and soul mate) but that the new relaionship will be new and exciting - something i cannot compete with. We were in a rut so im worried that he will be do happy initially that he will be able to forget about me/ use her to ease himself off me and then will just be fine.

 

Of course the new relationship will be "new and exciting", they always are, but this euphoria stage rarely lasts. It's not called a rebound for nothing!

 

Do not worry about any form of competition here. First of all because there is nothing you can do about what's happening, and secondly because you know who you are and what you guys had. If he doesn't, well his loss... NOT YOURS.

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See the thing I'm worried about is not that the new girl will be able to form a better bond with him- in his own words we were beat friends and soulmates (* * * - break up wih best friend and soul mate) but that the new relaionship will be new and exciting - something i cannot compete with. We were in a rut so im worried that he will be do happy initially that he will be able to forget about me/ use her to ease himself off me and then will just be fine.

 

You don't have to compete - that is the whole point. Let him find out himself how valuable and wonderful you are. He will see that nothing compares to the comfort and satisfaction of being with someone who knows you and loves you. He can't forget you so easliy - it's impossible. He isn't fine, hence his need to justify what he is doing.

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Pride sometimes is our worst ennemy!

 

 

 

Also, dating other people helps you realize you're not idealizing your ex, which is a common and human mistake as a dumpee. But you have to wait for a certain amount of time before you go out and meet new people, because if not your judgement may very well be clouded by selective memories (the good times with the ex).

 

I second what brownstone, deeplongbreath and doofus have said.

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