This is the first time I have ever spoken about this, so I am a little nervous even talking about this, but it has been an issue that has been burning me up for many years. It involves me being in love with someone of the same sex-- but being straight and not sexually attracted to them. I don't know how to explain it-- and am trying to figure out how to.
First of all-- a little about me. I am in my mid-20's, and am straight. I am attracted to women, have had sex exclusively with women, and dated women (exclusively). I do not feel at all sexually attracted to men. That being said, I will begin my story.
When I was in high school, I met a really good friend. Over the years I was in high school, our friendship strengthened-- and I felt I had a very deep connection with him from the moment I first began talking to him. I have never spoken with someone in my life as much as I have spoken with this friend, and we have had very deep and connected conversations. I feel like if I was stranded on an island with him for years, we would never run out of things to stop talking about or stop enjoying each-other's company. Throughout high school, there were many times where he and I did things alone together and we always had a lot of fun (or at least I did). Every second I was apart from him, I would miss his company and think about him throughout the day and night. But, time passed, and before we both went to college, we had a major fight, and stopped talking to each-other. I remember that throughout this time, I continued to think about him, and I always felt some type of connection for him. As the months went on, I stopped feeling so emotionally connected to him, and the feelings were buried deeper and deeper. However, at some point, he contacted me again, and invited me to visit him in New York (where he was going to college).
The second I landed at JFK airport, all of the emotions "hit me" again, and I had the best weekend of my life hanging out with him. He took me all around New York, we went out to bars together, drank together, and had a really good time. One night, we got drunk together and I remember waking up (we slept in the same bed) and his head was rested on my chest. After that weekend, we went a few months without seeing each-other. The next time, he came and visited me in Phoenix (where we both went to high school and I was going to college) and we hung out with mutual friends. During that time, he told me he had had a girl-friend, and I remember feeling a bit jealous and saddened that there was someone else he was spending so much time with. After he left, I got a girl-friend. The girl-friend I had was only a sexual thing though and we didn't really get along on a personal or emotional level. I have had several girl friends after her, and I had girl friends in high school prior to befriending him, and same things applied.
Regardless, he dated the same girl for like 4 years. About a year ago, they finally broke up. But the odd thing was, each time I went to visit him in NY, he always seemed to make me a priority over everyone else. At one point, he had his girl-friend sit in the back of his car and me in the front while we all went out to dinner. I rarely saw her on my trips to New York, and it was kind of odd. He never visited me in Phoenix, because he never wanted to go back to Phoenix again since he was living in New York.
Two visits to New York ago, we both got drunk and he told me that he loved me. When I gave him an odd stare, he said "... I mean as a friend" (he has said similar things on other occasions and has even made weird sexual gestures at me [but were complete jokes of course]). At some point during the trip, he told me that he was no longer in love with his girlfriend, and I asked him what he meant by that. I asked him if he was ever truly in love with someone else and he told me no. I told him I thought I was, and he asked me who it was. I refused to tell him. Throughout that period, he made numerous guesses, at one point (on two occasions), he guessed it was him, and I told him no.
The most recent visit to NY, we got drunk again and he told me he loved me a second time, at which point I hugged him back and told him that I loved him also-- as a friend. He also continued to press the issue of who the person I loved was, and I finally lied to him and told him it was someone else.
But the truth of the matter is, that I love him on some level I cannot explain. I don't want to have sex with him-- I don't think of him in any sexual way. I don't even think I want any type of dating relationship with him either. I only want to know what he truly and honestly thinks about me and I hope he feels the same way and is tortured in the same way I am, but I am too afraid to ask him because I fear that it will damage our friendship and cause me to never be able to talk to him again.
I don't know how to describe what emotions I feel towards him. But, I know that I think about him all the time and that I would do anything for him. I know that I do very deeply love him-- but I feel that it is more than just normal love between friends, yet it lacks any type of sexual element. I know that being around him and talking to him makes me happier than any time in the world, and when I stop visiting him, I become depressed for weeks. This most recent return has made me more depressed than ever. And-- yet, at the end of the day, I only want to know that he reciprocates the same emotions. That's really it. I don't want to be in any type of weirdo relationship because at some point I want to have kids and get married, but I realize that I am always going to love him on an emotional level more than anyone I do actually end up marrying that is a woman.
So, my question is, what exactly am I experiencing. I have never found any post on the internet where a guy experiences this deep connection/love with their best male friend, but there is no sexual element present. The other question, is what do I do about it? I don't want to go on like this for the rest of my life, but unfortunately I feel I have no other choice.