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Thread: In love with same-sex friend but not gay... and don't know what to do

  1. #1
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    In love with same-sex friend but not gay... and don't know what to do

    This is the first time I have ever spoken about this, so I am a little nervous even talking about this, but it has been an issue that has been burning me up for many years. It involves me being in love with someone of the same sex-- but being straight and not sexually attracted to them. I don't know how to explain it-- and am trying to figure out how to.

    First of all-- a little about me. I am in my mid-20's, and am straight. I am attracted to women, have had sex exclusively with women, and dated women (exclusively). I do not feel at all sexually attracted to men. That being said, I will begin my story.

    When I was in high school, I met a really good friend. Over the years I was in high school, our friendship strengthened-- and I felt I had a very deep connection with him from the moment I first began talking to him. I have never spoken with someone in my life as much as I have spoken with this friend, and we have had very deep and connected conversations. I feel like if I was stranded on an island with him for years, we would never run out of things to stop talking about or stop enjoying each-other's company. Throughout high school, there were many times where he and I did things alone together and we always had a lot of fun (or at least I did). Every second I was apart from him, I would miss his company and think about him throughout the day and night. But, time passed, and before we both went to college, we had a major fight, and stopped talking to each-other. I remember that throughout this time, I continued to think about him, and I always felt some type of connection for him. As the months went on, I stopped feeling so emotionally connected to him, and the feelings were buried deeper and deeper. However, at some point, he contacted me again, and invited me to visit him in New York (where he was going to college).

    The second I landed at JFK airport, all of the emotions "hit me" again, and I had the best weekend of my life hanging out with him. He took me all around New York, we went out to bars together, drank together, and had a really good time. One night, we got drunk together and I remember waking up (we slept in the same bed) and his head was rested on my chest. After that weekend, we went a few months without seeing each-other. The next time, he came and visited me in Phoenix (where we both went to high school and I was going to college) and we hung out with mutual friends. During that time, he told me he had had a girl-friend, and I remember feeling a bit jealous and saddened that there was someone else he was spending so much time with. After he left, I got a girl-friend. The girl-friend I had was only a sexual thing though and we didn't really get along on a personal or emotional level. I have had several girl friends after her, and I had girl friends in high school prior to befriending him, and same things applied.

    Regardless, he dated the same girl for like 4 years. About a year ago, they finally broke up. But the odd thing was, each time I went to visit him in NY, he always seemed to make me a priority over everyone else. At one point, he had his girl-friend sit in the back of his car and me in the front while we all went out to dinner. I rarely saw her on my trips to New York, and it was kind of odd. He never visited me in Phoenix, because he never wanted to go back to Phoenix again since he was living in New York.

    Two visits to New York ago, we both got drunk and he told me that he loved me. When I gave him an odd stare, he said "... I mean as a friend" (he has said similar things on other occasions and has even made weird sexual gestures at me [but were complete jokes of course]). At some point during the trip, he told me that he was no longer in love with his girlfriend, and I asked him what he meant by that. I asked him if he was ever truly in love with someone else and he told me no. I told him I thought I was, and he asked me who it was. I refused to tell him. Throughout that period, he made numerous guesses, at one point (on two occasions), he guessed it was him, and I told him no.

    The most recent visit to NY, we got drunk again and he told me he loved me a second time, at which point I hugged him back and told him that I loved him also-- as a friend. He also continued to press the issue of who the person I loved was, and I finally lied to him and told him it was someone else.

    But the truth of the matter is, that I love him on some level I cannot explain. I don't want to have sex with him-- I don't think of him in any sexual way. I don't even think I want any type of dating relationship with him either. I only want to know what he truly and honestly thinks about me and I hope he feels the same way and is tortured in the same way I am, but I am too afraid to ask him because I fear that it will damage our friendship and cause me to never be able to talk to him again.

    I don't know how to describe what emotions I feel towards him. But, I know that I think about him all the time and that I would do anything for him. I know that I do very deeply love him-- but I feel that it is more than just normal love between friends, yet it lacks any type of sexual element. I know that being around him and talking to him makes me happier than any time in the world, and when I stop visiting him, I become depressed for weeks. This most recent return has made me more depressed than ever. And-- yet, at the end of the day, I only want to know that he reciprocates the same emotions. That's really it. I don't want to be in any type of weirdo relationship because at some point I want to have kids and get married, but I realize that I am always going to love him on an emotional level more than anyone I do actually end up marrying that is a woman.

    So, my question is, what exactly am I experiencing. I have never found any post on the internet where a guy experiences this deep connection/love with their best male friend, but there is no sexual element present. The other question, is what do I do about it? I don't want to go on like this for the rest of my life, but unfortunately I feel I have no other choice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member FathomFear's Avatar
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    I think this kind of feeling can be various things. Unfortunately modern society tends to associate love with sex, which honestly is a rather recent development. If you look at classic literature, specifically Greek, you'll see that the topic of Platonic love was a big area of focus and something that was regarded as highly important. These days it's not. People are supposed to just have "friends" and one person whom they love monogamously.

    I think this issue is further complicated for men specifically, as close bonds of this nature tend to be shunned and the "gay" label get thrown around like a threat. Women don't suffer from this problem as much. They can have very close friendships (even call each other "girlfriends", etc) an no one questions their sexuality. Guys are just expected to have machismo and not regard each other in a sensntive way.

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    Could you love him "as a brother" - is it that sort of thing, rather than sexual? If you have no physical attraction, is it more familial? Could you tell him "you feel like more than a friend - I love you like a brother, man?"

    Also, why do you want to know if he reciprocates the same emotion if you are not going to say anything either? Or what if he is bi and tells you he loves you in a sexual way? How will you react? Not saying it is sexual..but just sayin.. could you not want to know?

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    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    I don't know how to describe what emotions I feel towards him. But, I know that I think about him all the time and that I would do anything for him. I know that I do very deeply love him-- but I feel that it is more than just normal love between friends, yet it lacks any type of sexual element.
    Maybe you are kindred spirits.
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    I think this kind of feeling can be various things. Unfortunately modern society tends to associate love with sex, which honestly is a rather recent development. If you look at classic literature, specifically Greek, you'll see that the topic of Platonic love was a big area of focus and something that was regarded as highly important. These days it's not. People are supposed to just have "friends" and one person whom they love monogamously.

    I think this issue is further complicated for men specifically, as close bonds of this nature tend to be shunned and the "gay" label get thrown around like a threat. Women don't suffer from this problem as much. They can have very close friendships (even call each other "girlfriends", etc) an no one questions their sexuality. Guys are just expected to have machismo and not regard each other in a sensntive way.
    I don't know anything about greek literature, and haven't read it, but I don't think my feelings towards him can be described with any friendship-- even ones that women feel. I feel like there is no one in the world that I love more than him.... but again, there is no element of sexual attraction. I feel as if I will have a wife and girlfriends that I might love but will not love as much as I love him.

    Could you love him "as a brother" - is it that sort of thing, rather than sexual? If you have no physical attraction, is it more familial? Could you tell him "you feel like more than a friend - I love you like a brother, man?"

    Also, why do you want to know if he reciprocates the same emotion if you are not going to say anything either? Or what if he is bi and tells you he loves you in a sexual way? How will you react? Not saying it is sexual..but just sayin.. could you not want to know?
    The problem with telling him that "I love you like a brother" is that I don't love him like a brother-- I have a brother and I don't love my brother in the same way I love him. I love my friend more than I love anyone else I have ever met-- or maybe more isn't the word, but with a deeper sense of connection and almost like a "soul-mate" or "true love" minus the sexual element. I don't honestly know how to describe what I am feeling-- which is one of the reasons I am asking to figure that out. I don't know what romantic love is but I assume it has a sexual element to it, which this does not.

    As far as if he reciprocated (which I hope he does, but do not know for sure), and was bisexual and was in some way sexually attracted to me-- I don't think I would actually mind. I mean, I wouldn't want to have sex with him or even do anything sexual to him, but I don't think I would freak out.... I would simply tell him that I love him very much and that I am not sexually attracted to him because he is a guy. I mean-- I could cuddle with him mabye or be touchy-feely (I feel weird even typing this lol) possibly even kiss but not have sex-- the sexual attraction element just wouldn't be there. He is a good-looking guy I would suppose but I would not be aroused if I attempted to have sex with him because I am not attracted to men.

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    this reminds me a lot of my "doomed to be with my soul mate" thread thing. except a bit different.

    i'm a straight girl and my best friend is a guy. he's in love with me.

    me and my best friend are just utterly soulmates, whatever that means. "kindred spirits" i don't know, i really don't. we have a connection that can't seem to be broken, no matter how much time we spend apart. i love other people and want to be intimate with them and sexual with them, but with my best friend, i don't. i feel trapped because i will never connect with another human being on the same level as he understands me. if i was in a plane going down and had one phone call, it would be to him. if i was in a coma for ten years and woke up and wanted to speak to someone, it would be him. if i had to grow old and live my life with someone, it would be him. i've TRIED dating other people and was even in a relationship with someone i loved VERY much for 5 years but we didn't have the same connection me and my best friend do. i feel so trapped because i'm just plain NOT attracted to him sexually. no idea what to do.

    so at least, i mean, i'm not in the SAME situation as you, but... i guess i at least somewhat know about the whole "tortured" feeling?

    good luck

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    So, it would be okay to lead him on? To let him cuddle and kiss you but say "i am not into you, you are a dude."

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    I wouldn't for a moment consider this anything like a gay relationship. It's totally different.

    This seems to be a sort of unusual friendship, the kind that practically doesn't exist today. I've wished for something close to that in my life. Today's society is all about facebook friends (389+), superficiality...someone you meet in class is suddenly a friend.

    If you read the gospels (you don't have to be a Christian to do so), you will see some things like that, e.g. Christ's love towards John, the beloved disciple. Clearly not a sexual relationship, but Jesus loved John above the other disciples and it says that at the last supper John laid his head on Jesus' breast. Also the story of Jonathan and David in the Old Testament, who loved each other but were obviously not gay.

    I don't know what secular literature has these sorts of relationships, but it seems to me that this many is like a father/mother/brother to you. You say you are not as close to your brother. Not everyone is. But I have a very close relationship to my mother, sister, and father, and that's really the only thing I can compare this to.

    I don't see what the problem here is. You can continue to love your friend just in the same way that you love your parents/siblings (but more) and have a woman whom you love as well. I suppose it would be possible to have a man who loves his father or mother or sister or brother more than his wife. I don't think it's very common, and it's certainly not idealized by our culture, but it's certainly possible. Loving your wife above all is not a rule. In fact, if you live to have children some day, it is very likely that you will love one or more of them equally to your wife and friend (the above), if not more.

    I don't think you need to do anything about this. Enjoy the fact that you have someone to whom you are deeply emotionally connected neither by sexual desire nor by blood (rare, but not wrong), which is something few of us can partake in.

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    ^yeah, maybe everybody is right. i mean it is what it is. just because it doesn't fit with the typical definition of things in our society today doesn't mean it's wrong or messed up somehow. just rare. maybe more people feel it than we think, but don't talk about it.

    i can understand your need to know he feels the same way. that doesn't sound necessarily romantic or "gay" to me. you just feel things that are astounding you a little bit and so of course you want to know you're not the only one, here. it could feel bad to know you felt strongly towards ANYONE who didn't feel the same way in return (mother, father, friends, etc). makes sense to me.

  10. #10
    Silver Member jumper11's Avatar
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    I have felt this towards 2 of my women friends.. and I'm a girl - its just a deep love that is non-sexual and you just love them. It's a rare friendship which is special and more meaningful than the 400+ friends garbage nowadays. You're lucky you've gotten to experience this. You're not gay, you just love your friend. And because you haven't felt this way towards anything/anyone else you're probably feeling slightly confused. It's normal.

    It's hard to find this with people. Only man I felt a deep connection with was my ex, hence why we're working on things - consider yourself lucky. You just share a really deep love for someone !

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