I want to know if it's possible that I had been sexually abused as a child. I have strange issues with sex that really mess up any relationship that I try to get into, even with the most caring person. At the first sign that someone wants to have sex with me I throw myself at them indignantly. I am angry and mad and give myself away out of anger. There are times that I initiate it, but more often than not I do it in a way that I imagine is saying "If you want me then just take me already." After that it all depends. Very rarely does it go smoothly. I often need to be choked or else I will start crying. I refuse to ever say "stop" out of some sort of fear and guilt. I usually start crying and shaking but feel stupid and like there is something wrong with me so I will end up biting my hand until it bleeds. I try to hide my crying usually but sometimes end up havng a panic attack and cant hide it. If they end up stopping for me out of concern I am overcome with guilt and self loathing. My head is filled with thoughts like "You are so stupid you are such a fing idiot shutup stupid * * * * * * " and I will force myself to stop crying and make them keep going. After I have sex I always am unable to look at my partner or be touched by them. I sit staring blankly for up to an hour and become extremely depressed. I have stopped now but I used to cut myself out of hatred for myself. If I am in a relationship I will literally wake up in the middle of the night crying and shaking remembering having sex with them and fearful for the next time we have sex. I was also extremely sexually interested as a child and had perverted thoughts as early on as I can remember. I only recently began to think that I may have been abused as I have searched endlessly for a reason for my strange behavior towards sex. I can't remember anything at all unusual about my early childhood. Any input would be appreciated.