Husband denies being abusive

I am new here and I found this website by Googling for a forum that has support for people who are emotionally abused.

My husband has always denied being an abuser, but after today, it hit me pretty hard that I AM being emotionally abused.. and that it's affecting the very core of who I am. Because after being subjected to his emotional abuse, I found myself doing nice things for him, while he just continued to treat me with contempt.. as if I had done something to deserve his anger. I found myself doing nice things to a man who emotionally abuses me so that he will be nice to me again. That's when I knew I had a problem.

The back story is long.. 10 years worth.. but I'll condense as much as possible.

He's been lying to me for 10 years. He makes promises and agreements, breaks them, and when I ask him about them, he claims he is doing them.. but then I find out he's not. It's not just one thing, and it's not just a few times.

So, as you can guess, my trust in him is at zero. I don't trust him at all and I question everything he does and says. This, of course, makes him angry, because he obviously feels that he is entitled to my trust even though he has lied to me more times than I can count.

His anger is also very hurtful. He tells me he doesn't care that he hurts me. When I try and ask him why he doesn't care that he hurts me, he just shrugs his shoulders with a bored look on his face and says, "I don't know." That is his standard answer for everything when I point out how awful he's treating me. Today he told me that he knew he was being mean to me, and that I didn't deserve it. I asked him why he didn't stop doing it. And then he said he didn't care.

If he's not telling me he doesn't care, he's ignoring me completely. He treats me as if I'm worthless to him when he refuses to speak or even acknowledge I am in the room.

I have shown him articles that talk about how the silent treatment is abusive and cruel.. and he just shrugs and says, "Ok."

He also claims to love me (when he's not pissed off... which he also denies when he's pissed off) and tells me he wants to spend his life with me.

But he refuses to acknowledge that my not trusting him is his fault. He will SAY he knows it's due to his past lies, but then he'll get mad at me for not trusting him anyway. This is how it goes:

He lies or hides something from me.

I find out. Get my feelings very hurt. Cry.

He ignores my crying as if he couldn't care less. Either that or he gets more angry.

I ask him why he treats me like that, and he gets even more angry.

Then he begins to turn it all around on me, talking about how much he hates the fighting and arguing.

I remind him that the argument/fight is due to his lying/hiding something from me.

THEN he tells me that he feels he HAS to lie because I "over-react" to every little thing.

I remind him that my over-reactions started when his lying started.

That's when the silent treatment starts.

I don't know what to do anymore. We tried counseling a few times. He lied to one of the counselors. The last counselor told me that I needed to back off so HE could learn to trust ME.

I have never lied to him. He has no reason to not trust me. I have worked hard and earned his trust. But he's denying me that.

I have no one in my real life to talk to. I would die of humiliation if I had to tell anyone I know that my husband treats me this way.

Thanks for listening.

Not saying it's ok to lie to people and break promises, but given that it seems to be in his nature to do this, and it's been going on 10 years despite you letting him know how much it upsets you, and despite all the conflicts it's causing between you to, maybe it'd work better to overlook his lying and breaking promises, ie. not react at all, and not confront him about it or try to get him to change. Of course I'm not saying it's good of him to do it, but look, all the 'reacting' you've done hasn't helped, and has only made things worse. I'm not saying you don't have a reason to be 'pissed off', but what if you just let it go? What if you didn't feel he had to account for himself and do the right thing? It'd be interesting to see how he might treat you differently. Now it seems like you're 'the good one' and he he's the bad one. Maybe he naturally lives up to that expectation. Maybe he would be more loving if you and he took a break from the conflict, even though he might not 'deserve' it! Just an idea. I don't mean to be unfair to you.

I don't trust him at all and I question everything he does and says. This, of course, makes him angry.....

I think I'd be pretty angry too ;-)

I tend to agree with what offplanet said. He's a grown man. And no, it isn't a nice thing to lie and break promises, but perhaps you could allow him a bit of room to bear the consequences of those behaviours himself instead of pointing them out to him.

What the? I cannot believe the above two responses. The OP said much more goes on than just the "making promises and breaking them." He lies to her AND has lied to a counselor.

Luckinthesky67, what does he lie to you about? What did he lie about to the counselor?

I think that I would need to know exactly what it is he's been lying about for ten years. Because lying about taking the garbage out and lying about having an affair are two radically different things and the answer would likely influence anyone's post here.

But, I do think that refusing to acknowledge your presence in a room is not only borderline abusive, but very strange. Do you mean that he does this when he's angry? Have you ever just ignored his silent pouting and gone about your day, or do you always confront him about it?

Finally, you don't say in your post- are you looking to fix the marriage and stay in it, or trying to figure out if you should leave?

Hey There LucyInTheSky67!

I don't think you should talk to your husband about the way he treats you anymore. He really doesn't care. Showing him articles isn't going to help any.

It sounds like you're trying your best to be a good wife, but at this point you should leave. You're the only one trying. Suppose you're in your 80's, looking back on the life you've had...what does it look like? Do you really want to spend the years of your life with someone like this?

He won't change, he has no reason to. Also with abusers, being nice to them doesn't help, I honestly think it probably just makes him resent you more. He has no respect for you, especially since he can treat you like crap all day long.

Leaving is hard. You always hear that it's best to leave...and that's true. When I was in an abusive relationship I really didn't want to hear it. I believed there had to be some way to make it work. I loved him and I didn't want to leave. He did every horrible thing you could imagine, but I wasn't going to leave because I didn't want a failed relationship, especially after trying so hard. Knowing I would lose my life is the only thing that made me go, and aside from knowing it myself I had to hear it from other people before I left.

Just please, do whatever you can to save yourself. Leaving sucks, it hurts, it's awful, and at times it feels like the worse thing, but it is soooooo necessary. Brutal but necessary.

This man has nothing for you, let him go. It's not worth it, honestly. At first you'll feel like crap, but then you'll feel better, then you'll feel like crap, then much better, LOL! At least in the end you'll be glad you left.

Lots of luck to you!

To the OP:

Behind closed doors abusers are selfish, insulting and frightening, and a bubbling cauldron of barely contained rage. The slightest affront can make them display their explosive temper, which their partner is on the receiving end of. To the neighbours, colleagues, and friends, theyre intelligent, kind, jovial and a bundle of fun... all in an attempt to hide their dirty secret.

My husband used to bellow, shout and scream obscenities in my face through barred teeth when some small thing didnt go his way, and he would lash out by punching or biting me amongst other things. I decided to divorce him after reading that far from being 'out of control' abusers were very much in control and able to choose the timing of their outbusts because they controlled who witnessed them and who they lost their temper with, and they were using intimidation to get their own way.

They dont abuse the people they love

They dont love the people they abuse

I never forgot that ^^^^ , and one day he exploded with rage so completely out of proportion to the event (a slightly squashed loaf in the shopping) that I ran absolutely terrified out of the house onto the front path so he couldnt do anything to me that the neighbours wouldnt see.

At that moment I knew I had to get out of the marriage and I did. I wont say its been easy because I occasionally think back to some of the great days we had together, but deep down I know I did the right thing.

Yes its humiliating to admit your marriage has failed (specially for me as it was my second) and some people might laugh, but many many more will be there with help and advice, some you may even be surprised by such as people you never really got along with, but who somehow empathise with your plight and offer an olive branch.

I hope you decide to do whatever you feel most comfortable with in your position, but most of all, I hope you realise you are NOT to blame, and are a good person who deserves to be loved back for the love you give out.

hugs,

Hope x

Oh I really feel for you, I really do. Emotional abuse makes you question yourself, wonder if you really are being too over the top with the questions. My ex was like that about trust, he would say 'oh here we go, back to *your* trust issues - yet he was the one who lied or cheated. It is all highly manipulative - he managed to even manipulate the counsellor too. I hope you can pluck up the courage to do something - and when you do - do NOT look back.... Hang in there x

What the? I cannot believe the above two responses. The OP said much more goes on than just the "making promises and breaking them." He lies to her AND has lied to a counselor.

 

Luckinthesky67, what does he lie to you about? What did he lie about to the counselor?

If she doesn't cry or grovel when he breaks promises or doesn't read him the riot act and just goes about her day - that really screws people up. He doesn't care if he hurts her - or at least thats what he says. So if it doesn't hurt her, he will be beside himself what to do. if you change the way you react to someone, it messes them up. It will stop the cycle of lying/crying/ignoring/getting angry/blaming/crying/fighting/silent treatment. If she reacts differently, she may have a chance to actually talk to him and not when they are both primed for a drama. If she acts like "whatever" for a period of time, believe me, he will take notice. I am not saying she shouldn't feel, but if she comes to decide that she can't rely on his word, so she just makes things critical things are taken care of herself and whatever he actually comes through on as a bonus (and thank him not dramatically - just calmly say "thanks for the help, i appreciate it - because he is reacting to you being upset about all his lies from the past everytime he lies than starting afresh) and doesn't act snide when he actually does something, there might be some progress. You can't change anyone else but yourself.

I am not saying that you have to put up with the abuse at all, but you can reboot things a little bit. zig instead of zag and get yourself out of the awful pattern and maybe things would go in a different direction. Counselign probably didn't work because he wasn't interested, or the focus was on him stopping his lying but it takes two to tango.

Also, if he jsut lies about his intent to take the garbage out and says he forgot, that is a lot different than having an affair and lying about it, IMHO.

if you guys can get out of this vicious cycle you have a chance to broach other issues - if there is a caring man who loves you underneath all this who is just tired, or you can find out if there isn't one there and move on.