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How Dumpers react after a break up.


windmask

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Hey everyone

 

so i was the one who got dumped about 9 months ago by my ex gf it ended on a bad note. me and her were best friends though before she broke up. it got heated of course at the end because even though she said she didnt blame she kinda was blaming me for everything i stupidly begged or w.e for her to stay. anyhows it ended tried being a friend even though i didnt want to she humiliated me further in the end i said i cant even be ur friend because u swore at me and humiliated me enough.

 

anyhows its been almost 6 months and i havent contacted her and neither has she. i was wondering do dumpers like just forget about the person they left. btw i still miss her even though its been 6 months i know its a lot less now but still miss her each day. so please tell me how does the dumper feel after the break up like do they forget us fast and after 5 to 6 months are we forgotten in there life for good?

 

any response would be appreciated i just like to wonder. btw i know shes not coming i know shes very stubborn someone who is never wrong. i wish her all the best but i cant forget all the humiliation i faced by her. just thought id ask how dumpers feel after 5 to 6 months after breaking up.

 

thanks

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Technically I was the dumper, as I have almost always been, yet I feel like the dumpee. I didn't have an option, and I do still have many fond memories of my exgf. I'm still shocked by how it all ended, but live and learn I guess. Just have to keep moving forward. No matter whether you are dumped or do the dumping, always walk away with your dignity and head held high, no matter how hard it is. Try not to give in to the desperate temptation to beg, plead with, or harass your ex. Let them be and take your time to heal

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hey LaKings

 

ur right about walking away theres no point of staying once they decided to leave. i was stuppid though i kinda stayed for like a month thought we could work it out. i feel i tried to plead a little to much and i think i was trying to change her mind but she seemed so sure. in the end i was humiliated really so i left after a month of trying to fix things it was useless. oh well its been 6 months and i didnt contact her. but i thought id ask how dumpers feel still. thank you for ur response though.

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I'm glad somebody wrote this thread as I have just been dumped over a day ago and wondering how he must feel at this time. He's very sociable and not the type to sulk and stay home as I would. I wonder what's going on his mind, he dumped me over text message saying it was over and he had to move on (after I texted arguing with him about something) he said this could not last and that he could not give me what I wanted. I did the whole begging and pleading over voicemails and text that same night he broke up with me, but decided the next day I would go NO Contact since Day 1, today is Day 2. He still hasn't made his relationship to single on Facebook but then agani he doesn't go on it that much. I hope he has the urge to call me and misses me as much as I do.

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Most dumpers already want out of the relationship long before they get the courage to end the relationship. They feel guilt when they breakup with you, but relief is the most common post BU emotion experienced by the dumper. This feeling lasts a couple of months before the void of not being in a relationship with you actually hits them. I'm sure they remember you just as you still have memories from your childhood, things that have happened many years ago. Especially if love and LTR are involved. But just because they miss you does not mean they want to be with you.

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I have been on both sides.

 

Gluestick is right.. they have been thinking about it for a while... so it's easier for them

 

But then every single situation and every person is different. What I felt as a dumper isn't going to be the same as anyone else who shares something here. When I broke up with someone, it was a sense of releif.... there was nothing wrong or horrible about him. There wasn't anyone else, nor did anything bad happen. I just wanted out and we wanted different things. I didn't miss him either, because I had so much going on in my life and things to do that I didn't really think about it. That might sound harsh, but it was the way it was.

 

When I've been rejected or broken up with it has taken me ages to get over.... even if he was acting like an ass!!!

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hey gluestick

 

thanks for that post i get what ur saying. i guess it would make sense the dumpers would feel relief after leaving you and would be happy for a while too. not sure if they would miss you after a couple of months or not i guess i cant read anyones mind. oh well these dumpers wont learn until they get the same thing done to them. oh well all i know is that i loved her with all my heart i understand i paid the price in the end got humiliated etc cant say it was worth it. now find it hard to believe if there really such thing as love. because i loved her yet she lied about loving me or w.e. people like my ex gf i think give bad name to love and all the other girls lol.

 

oh well ill take w.e is thrown my way but not her again. if she truly loved me she would not have swore at me nor humiliated. its pointless fighting for someone who doesnt love you. never give your heart fully to someone people are evil, wish i could go back in time where i use to believe i cant fall in love.

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Unfortunately, can't answer your question, as I have never been the dumper. But I think, gluestick is right. For us, it may seem like a break up out of the blue, but mostly the dumpers have thought about breaking up with us for quite a while already.

 

It also depends a lot on the people involved and their character, the situation, the circumstances, etc. For example, if a third person is involved, then it's probably even easier for the dumpers to move on and keep themselves busy and distracted. I'm not saying it's a healthy behaviour, but I guess a couple of dumpers act that way. Simply to avoid dealing with their feelings and starting to second guess their decision. They prefer having a good time with someone new, exciting (honeymoon phase) instead of having to deal with the old relationship, that didn't meet their needs anymore...

 

But then again, as you say, we can't read their minds... maybe they are truly happier now it's really that easy for them to move on, maybe they are just acting...

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Hey windmask,

 

I understand that having gone through the circumstances of your breakup, you probably have a really jaded look on love. I think most people who have been through really painful breakups would agree and be more cautious in future relationships. But know that you deserve someone who will put all their effort into loving you and being with you through good and bad times. Cheer up!

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In my case, my ex the dumper was more upset than I was. And admitted that he was having a harder time with the B.U. I could see this plain as day as well, when we met up for our final talk. I never begged for him back (now I'm thinking maybe I should have tried to bargain)

 

Could other dumpers clue me in on what he is going through? I feel really bad for him now. More than for myself sometimes.

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I think it completely depends on the circumstances.

 

in my case i will probably be leaving the relationship very soon as my girlfriend has become so distant and unlovingso in a way for me it feels like i am the dumpee and in a way just wish she would end it with me

 

This is called a force dump. They want to breakup with you but are too * * * * * to do it, so they put you in a position where you have no choice but to end things, making you the official dumper. In reality, you're the dumpee. It's a cop out and it's really immature of your gf. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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Hey you guys so i was wondering if we as dumpees ever stop feeling like we wont find anyone again or we wont find love again. I dont know if am the only one who feels that so i thought id ask you guys. so please let me know what you guys think id love everyones view on it.

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Hey you guys so i was wondering if we as dumpees ever stop feeling like we wont find anyone again or we wont find love again. I dont know if am the only one who feels that so i thought id ask you guys. so please let me know what you guys think id love everyones view on it.

 

When I think of myself in a new relationship with another woman, it frightens me. I still have a huge lack of confidence and I'm afraid this other woman will only hurt me like my ex did.

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Inexperience will make you think you wont find someone. And this is coming from someone that was extremely shy during high school and only dated one girl back then, and who had it in his mind that he needed to hold on to any girl because i wont get another chance with someone else. Thats insecurity, insecurity CAN STOP YOU FROM FINDING SOMEONE ELSE THOUGH, thats an attraction-killer, and that WILL make sure you stay alone.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Inexperience will make you think you wont find someone. And this is coming from someone that was extremely shy during high school and only dated one girl back then, and who had it in his mind that he needed to hold on to any girl because i wont get another chance with someone else. Thats insecurity, insecurity CAN STOP YOU FROM FINDING SOMEONE ELSE THOUGH, thats an attraction-killer, and that WILL make sure you stay alone.

 

Hey Thorshammer,

 

I definitely feel I won't find someone else. At this point in my kife, after a 7 year relationship, I'm not sure I want another relationship! But then, I'm confused to what I want thanks to my ex. I'm not even sure what love really is? Glad I'm not a dumper. Knowing how a dumpee feels, i don't know if I could do that to someone. But then again, I wish I were the dumper! See the confusion?? Sigh....I guess time will tell but I feel I'm running out of time especially wasting the last several years on false hopes.

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Technically I was the dumper, as I have almost always been, yet I feel like the dumpee. I didn't have an option, and I do still have many fond memories of my exgf. I'm still shocked by how it all ended, but live and learn I guess. Just have to keep moving forward. No matter whether you are dumped or do the dumping, always walk away with your dignity and head held high, no matter how hard it is. Try not to give in to the desperate temptation to beg, plead with, or harass your ex. Let them be and take your time to heal

 

This is exactly the way I felt after my breakup. In general It's not like a switch that they can just shut off but rather like a hourglass that slowly diminishes over time. For the first few months the relationship was all I thought about but then it starts to turn as you focus more on yourself. At the six month mark I was still missing her and thought about her pretty often but usually without any hurt. At this point I also had trouble remembering what she looked like and I started to reflect more on all the bad stuff and realize it was the right decision. Now after a year I still do think of her but more out of concern that I hope she is doing well. I've stopped talking to her and I think I've finally moved on completely. I'm ready for the next good thing to come my way.

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My ex and I broke up about two months ago. If you ask her, she'll say I dumped her. And that's sort of true, but only a few days later I earnestly expressed my desire to get back with her and she said yes. But then just a week later she said she would not take me back--I even cried at her feet, but she would not take me back. So really she kind of dumped me.

 

Did she still think about me after the breakup? Yes, because she kept contacting me and telling me she missed me. And we had sex twice after the breakup. Do I still think about her? Yes, but only because she keeps contacting me. This might sound like a good thing at first--my ex saying she misses me and having sex with me--but there's more. The more is that she had another guy lined up whom she's currently dating, and was dating when we had sex. She's also has Bordeline traits, and she's really turned on the criticism since the breakup, doing and saying things to me that are just downright cruel, while also wanting to hang out. I'm torn between missing her and realizing how lucky I am to be out of the relationship now that I've seen her true colors.

 

My point, then, is that I wish I had gone completely NC, which I'm doing now. I wish I didn't know that she misses me. Everytime she contacts me, even if it's only a text, it brings back the pain. Not knowing what your ex is up to can be a very very good thing for healing. Ignorance is bliss.

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Hi Windmask, getting back to your original question I think as someone else already pointed out it does largely depend on the situation, curcumstances surrounding the break up and the person involved, i.e, personality traits etc. In my case I ended the relationship intially because I was in pain. I felt hurt by the way my ex was treating me etc...and when I look back I feel that he was driving me to end it. He was being off with me argumentative and not really wanting to see me. He was ill with some kind of flu for a bit but didn't want me to come around. And it wasn't because he didn't want to pass it on to me or anything as it was well past being infectious. I ended it but didn't do it because I wanted to but because I felt he didn't want me. And then the next day I tried to patch things up, but surprise surprise he didn't want to know. He did say that he'd think about it though and then a week later he texted to say no and that he wanted it to be over. So it's never cut and dry. I was initially the dumper but I was in so much pain because it wasn't what I wanted to do because I still loved him. But then in a way he really turned out to be the dumper. Plus I have ended a long term relationship in the past and it took me months to move on. It hurt like crazy because again I still loved him but I knew we weren't making each other happy. I pinned at home and had my friends around to try to support me. It really felt as bad as if I'd been dumped. But that may be due to my personality type. If someone is in my live for a while I find it hard to let go. Whereas my ex is harder and does not dwell on the past. He was straight out on a dating site after 2 weeks of us splitting up.

But please do not give up on love. I feel more than a bit broken at the moment and wonder why I have to get hurt so much, but I do want to believe that one day someone great will come into my life. You deserve to be with someone great too! And it will happen x

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With my first relationship, I was the dumper but I felt like the dumpee. My ex was emotionally unavailable and even stood me up a few times when we were supposed to hang out. I reached my limit and I called him leaving a nasty voicemail because he wouldn't even pick up his phone. That day, I went to his house and broke up with him and made him give me back my stuff. I was so hurt because I still wanted to be with him but I knew it wouldn't work out.

 

Unfortunately, we worked together so I had to see him everyday at work. I still had feelings for him so one day I asked him if he wanted to get coffee with me and he refused. After that I knew that he didn't really want to be with me. It was closure in a sense. It took me about 6 months to get over him though. I cried and slept a lot. And for a long time I tried to avoid him at work.

 

We were pretty good friends beforehand so we eventually got on good terms again. We never got back together though and I don't mind at all.

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  • 8 years later...

I’ve recently dumped somebody that I love. You can check out my story in my recent post.

 

I can tell you a few things about NC and hope it helps you:

 

1. On the first day I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe again.

 

2. The dumping was via text and I feel bad about that. I was so eager to get out of the situation that I didn’t care at the time. I was confused, angry and had enough after 7 or so years. I feel bad about that because I immediately blocked her and didn’t give her a chance to reply.

 

3. She is married.

 

4. I feel guilty for her family and for hurting her also.

 

5. This went on from before she was married.

 

6. Do I hate myself for it? Yes.

 

7. Was there any other option other than destroying a family? No. So I quit.

 

8. She has gone no contact. Do I miss her? Big time. Will I ever go back? No.

 

9. Does her not contacting me work or NC as a rule in this circumstance? Yes. It’s killing me but it’s for the best. If she wasn’t married I would never have left. Yes, it works. I would have cracked by now. She’s going NC because she has to. There is no hope of reconciliation without lives being destroyed. I made it very clear. So yes, NC works. It hurts like hell no matter what the reasons for the break up, unless it’s abusive or violent. Even though there is no hope for us, and I don’t want her to contact me - deep down I wish she would anyway. And that’s human nature.

 

10. If you are going no contact to manipulate someone into getting back with you then that’s not cool. If you’re doing it to give yourself some time to think about how you contributed to the ending of the relationship and whether you really need to work on your own weaknesses, this is the time to do it.

 

11. Feeling can linger for years - even as the dumper and especially when there is no hope in things getting better in the future.

 

12. As a dumper this is the toughest call I’ve ever had to make. But sometimes it isn’t about how you feel. It’s about what is right. And that’s an internal battle that can go for a very long time. And it hurts like hell. Believe me.

 

13. No contact also tells me that she respects my decision and space. I appreciate it a lot as I’m having time to process my thoughts and move ahead with life without any negativity and focus on my GF ( whom I’ve told everything)

 

Hope this helps my friend.

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