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  1. #1
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    Guys, when you get dumped, do you contact your ex?

    This question just popped into my head, well actually, when I was sitting on the beach last week reading books on "how to heal my life" or something along those lines.

    I keep reading all of these threads on the whole NC concept, initiating NO, breaking NC and I just have to ask: if a woman breaks up with a man for cheating/lying/all of that good BS, do the men try to reach out? If they do, is it to apologize, to gloat, to string her along, etc.?

    I'm on day 20 of NC and I broke it off with the POS yet, I can't help but wonder these petty thoughts, "why haven't you reached out to apologize?"

    Petty I know but I'm just curious to hear what others think...

    p.s. Cancun was beautiful but only a temporary band-aid outside of reality.

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  3. #2
    Platinum Member MakeItCount's Avatar
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    Sounds like you were looking for validation during the relationship and now after. I think you need to forget about it, because if he has the character you've described, then it's not healthy for you to wait and wait for him to "admit" his mistakes.
    "The point is, acceptance is the magic answer. Accept who you are, who she is, the situation, how things will likely turn out--and that takes away the pain that comes from wanting to change something." - CrapAtNC

    "They just want you as a friend so they can ween themselves off you. They want their cake and eat it too. So I chose to shove the cake down his throat" - Karma20

  4. #3
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    Nah. Not exactly the situation you describe with the cheating, lying, etc. My ex dumped me after she found someone else. Very disrespectful. Been no contact for 6 months. After what she did to me it has been rather easy and I have no intention of her ever being in my life again.

    Your ex sounds like a loser. You deserve better. Don't seek apologies, closure, etc. Just move on and stay no contact.

  5. #4
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    Hi there,

    sorry to hear you're hurting. Well, I can't answer your question based on personal experience - I've never cheated on a woman, I respect myself enough not to. But, I'll still give you my thoughts:

    The truth is that everyone is different, some guys may try to reach out, others won't. Out of the guys who do reach out, some will do it to apologise, others because they're just bored and others to play games. Not a great answer, I know, but the reality is that no one knows if your former will reach out, and if he does, no one knows what his motives will be.

    Having said that, these are the important things to remember:

    Our actions define us. He cheated - he is a cheater. He lied to you - he is a liar. These traits inhibit his ability to lead a rich existence. He is not an honourable person. Even if he learns from his mistakes, he lost you; he is the one who has lost. I imagine you were shocked to realise his true colours, this is why you are hurting - because what you thought he was never even existed; you haven't lost anything, only realised truth. You are not the victim, he is. All too often people get caught up in these situations and feel inferior - their self-esteem suffers because they think that they were not good enough; this is not the truth. The truth is he has become inferior by behaving in an inferior way. Hold your head high and realise that you are the honourable one, you are the richer person.

    Maintain no contact. Accept that he probably will never reach out to you, but still prepare for the inventuality so you are not caught off-guard. You ended it with him, do not go back on your decision - you did the right thing. He is not on your level, you will find someone who is. You do not need an apology or anything else from him - he is inferior, anything he says or does is inferior.

    Life is what we make it; live vibrantly and then find a vibrant person who is more on your level and who deserves you.

    best wishes

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Mesemene's Avatar
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    Thing is, if you've been cheated on, lied to, and otherwise betrayed - it doesn't matter if he DID apologize, because he's proven to you that his words aren't worth the air used to utter them.

    And you wouldn't be able to trust his motives.

    Do you want to ease any guilt he might have? Oh hell no.

    Do you want to give him a little comfort as he moves on? I'd sure hope not!

    Do you want to be his pal and occasional shag pal? Oh GOD no.

    So there's really nothing of benefit to you by him "apologizing" except to leave you with more questions, and more doubts.

    20 days is almost a month. Stay strong, stay committed to you.

  7. #6
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    I guess I just had a moment of weakness today & I understand that it's okay, it's going to be okay. It still hurts since the wounds are fresh. Deep down inside I hate the fact that after so long, he didn't even have the courage to say sorry for what he did. I was still holding onto a small bit of hope that somehow, I did matter to him.

    Why is this so f'ing hard? I left him, not the other way around. I shouldn't be hurting like this. There are moments throughout my day that I'm feeling super good about myself, I'm concentrating on my work, talking to friends & posting here. Then there are those few moments where I lock myself in my office & huddle underneath my desk & cry. I silently cry to myself for being so blind & stupid. I'm smarter than this. Right now I can't forgive him, which means I can't move on. I'm stuck. I hate him with a passion. Okay I do not condone any violence here but if he were on fire, I wouldn't even spit on him. That's horrible to say, much less think about it. I once had deep feelings for this man. I actually thought that I was going to marry this man, can you believe it? I smirk at the thought of that now. I know why I stayed for so long, for 2 reasons: one, he had qualities that I looked for in a man (minus the lying/cheating/not-commitment) and two, I was hoping that he would change...for me. Pretty pathetic, I know. I prayed for a miracle and that's what it was, a miracle, meaning that it would take the sun, moon, stars, sky & heavens to change him.

    Ugh and all of that MONEY that I spent. You know I went bankrupt for that SOB? Yup, bankrupt at 31.

    Why did I ever answer that dreaded phone call 6 years ago? Why didn't I leave sooner? Why did I stay for so long?

    I think what hurts the most is the betrayal. He's a snake. It's too late now. There's nothing he can say or do to change what happened. He did something that, in my personal opinion, is irreversible. No amount of begging will change anything.

    Of course everyone's kind & harsh (they're a reality) words are much easier to read yet harder to follow through on.

  8. #7
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    everyone here is right and you should not be concerned with expecting anything from him.I too have waited for that apology and I waited for almost 3 years for it to come.Nothing.Although my ex did not cheat on me but treated me bad during the RS and just a few days after breaking up with me she started to see a married guy.Still,that doesnt sit right with me.hope you find levity in times like these.All the best.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Mesemene's Avatar
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    Ahh hon, just because you left him doesn't give you any less right to grieve over the loss of the dream you had.

    We all have dreams, we all want a safe and loving future. And he shattered it before you left him. And probably burned it, and sowed the ashes with salt.

    It's completely natural to be sad (for the loss) and mad as hell (at him for destroying it).

    You took one of the hardest steps when you left him - because at that moment, everything became real. The disillusionment, the disappointment, the betrayal, and the end of the hopes and dreams all came crashing down. And you survived it.

    From everything you said, you know you'll keep on surviving it - it just feels really unfair to be sad over someone and mad at the same time, doesn't it? Especially when you know they never deserved ONE tear, let alone the river you've shed.

  10. #9
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    I have contacted mine, and my latest I did, hoping after several days emotions might have cooled down to the point where she could have seen just how much I cared about her and how very willing I was to do whatever it took to repair the relationship and reconcile. It was a no-go though. Such a shame. But she didn't end it because of cheating, lying, etc. More about misunderstandings and not accepting me for who I was. I think in the case of cheating and lying you are better off not reaching out to him. Cheating is a huge deal breaker for me and it violates trust, and without trust you don't have much of a relationship.

  11. #10
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    when we ask a liar to tell us the truth...why do we expect an honest answer?

    in my experience, when an exexex cheated on me, he did reach back out, when his new woman wasnt working the way he planned. even years later he said he wish he hadnt let me go so easily (i had to laugh at that one seeing as he dumped me pregnant) ...his words were a kinda validation, he now looks so old and ugly from his alcohol and inner dysfunction and i moved on, loved better men, even tho they didnt work out. he cheated on me but lost out and he still spewed with twisted hate for me because i am not sat around still broken by his leaving. in fact i am much better off, slimmer and have the things he wants in life but hasnt got. (the fact that he has custody of our daughter isnt enough because thats just about winning over me, and he resents hes a single dad with no life)

    its funny how life works out OP, i dare say in time he will look back, they always do, they always come face to face with their actions sooner or later, be it conscience or karma. but only when you let go, move on and live well.
    "Do not look back or you may define yourself by what you have been, rather than by what you are becoming"

    Live ~ Laugh ~ Love <3

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