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Last chance on relationship. Please help me!


Statham

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Hi.

 

Im in bad need of advice.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for allmost 10 years. I am 26, and she is 24. We have 2 kids, 2 and 3 years old. for the last year we have had serious problems, with lots of fighting ect. Due to many other factors in both our lives. And a week ago she said that she couldnt go on no more, that the feelings had slowly gone away, but now they are dead. I have kinda the same feeling, but the feelings are not dead to me. We have talked and she says she is willing to give it one more chance with couples therapy, or a health-coach. We are going to sit down and talk about what therapist/coach we will choose tomorrow. So my question is this: I am willing to give all i got left for this, but with her beeing "negative" is there any chance for us? Is there anything else i can do? Will therapy be of any help at all? Could her feelings come back if we stick it out a littlebit longer, with ACTUAL change? Anything I can say to her to get her that will give her more will to fight for this? Any advice at all i would really apriciate it, becouse I love her, and i love my kids, and this can hurt my life in i such a big way.

 

And sorry for the bad english, Im from Norway.

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Yes, there is a good chance for you. I was in a relationship that "ended" because she lost her feelings for me. We stopped communicating for a month or two when suddenly she came back because she realized she needed me, even though she had a boyfriend.

 

I am certain that she could have figured that out without us having to break up, and I think therapy is a good place to start.

 

The greatest thing to give her the will to fight for your relationship is the fact that you have children together. The best foundation for a child is a committed relationship, so you two should try your best to provide them with that.

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Are you married?

 

Therapy in the later stages of a failing relationship will be viewed as weakness/controlling by the wayward spouse. Go by yourself if you must go. Do not ask her to come. If she’s says she wants to go... say ok. Don't lecture or teach anything.

 

If you are like most men you are clueless when it comes to women. By Gary Smalley's "If only he knew” Amazon used work well. Never let her see this book!

 

First Aid;

Everything you do to save your relationship is done in secret. You don’t from family/friends.

 

Forget about changing her.

 

Change yourself... improve your looks ASAP.

 

Secretly snoop for a budding affair. Check cell phone on internet tonight. If you find something... Don't say a word to her. Come back to us first.

 

Stop talking and start listening to her.

 

She’s not your possession or kid.

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I'd take it as a positive she's willing to go to therapy. A lot of people who are determined to end a relationship have made up their minds to the point they won't consider making the effort.

 

And unless she's given you a lot of reason for distrust, I STRONGLY disagree with

Secretly snoop for a budding affair. Check cell phone on internet tonight. If you find something... Don't say a word to her. Come back to us first.

 

Nail. In. Coffin.

 

If she's done nothing wrong, and finds out (and she WILL) that you've gone through her private things like a jealous donkey? It could be that last death knell. I've BEEN there. After my ex-husband cheated on me, he made my life a living hell trying to find "proof" I had been cheating to make himself feel better - and it completely destroyed my faith in him, even moreso than the affair (I'd never cheated in my life!) Nothing to destroy trust more than going behind your partner's back if they've given you no reason to think they're having an affair.

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Consummation of a hidden relationship is usually final nail. It is almost always driven by the victim of the affair not the wayward spouse.

This is especially true if the victim is the man.

 

I always recommend full knowledge and understanding of a current relationship. It’s hard and there is some risk but much less than burying one’s head in the sand.

 

By the time the first soft disclosure is made…

“she said that she couldn’t go on no more, that the feelings had slowly gone away”

“I need my space”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Maybe we were never compatible.”

“I’m not sure if I love you anymore.”

Etc.

The wayward spouse had been planning her secret escape for months if not years.

 

Emotion cheating almost always occurs before these announcements. (The manifestation of her anger, driven by mass media's commoditization of female sexuality.)

 

During this stage the most victims typically take a passive approach. No snooping and denial. This wastes precious time.

 

Failure to promptly and properly act by the victim can be blamed for millions of divorces each year.

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Snooping can destroy a relationship if there's no evidence of cheating.

 

And the OP didn't say anything about her behavior becoming more secretive, silencing the phone ringer, phone calls in the bathroom, shutting the comp screen down if he comes in the room, or extra attention - which a lot of spouses give to try to cover their affair.

 

All he's saying is the spark has gone out of their marriage, and they're arguing constantly. It's a big leap from there to assume she's probably cheating.

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After becoming “aware” four years ago I have yet to see one these situations prove me wrong. There was a hidden enabler in each and every one.

This includes my wife and I, all relatives and friends, all acquaintances and anonymous posters to this form.

 

Her "willing" to go the therapy and “dead, feelings” set off my alarm. It sounds like an “add to my proof pile", (empowered), that he was a jerk husband.

 

Knowing that wasted time is the true enemy of marriages in this stage I always try to scare the poster into action.

There’s nothing lost if simple incompatibility was the only reason for this failure. It’s going fail anyway.

 

There’s much higher likelihood the husband’s lack of skills and unwillingness to change became insufferable after birth of the first child. The second was either hope or a mistake. This coupled with her hormonal imbalance crippled the wife’s objectivity.

 

Enter the modern preachers of happiness… mass media and popular culture.

The secular cure they offer? Green grass fantasy fuel by endless messages of empowerment through hypersexual expression.

 

Result… broken families.

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Palt: Thats great! And gives me a lot more hope!

Lester: We are not married, but engaged. When this started, i checked her phone some times, and installed a keylogger on our laptop, and found out that shes not in contact with any other men, but she does small things behind my back. Nothing big, but still its eating my trust to her. And i really dont like spying on her, so i have stopped reading it, but will let it record just in case things go really to hell and i need all the info i can get. She is saying all the things you say: Need space, need time, cant go on, wont go on, want to be single, want to stand on her own feet etc...

Mesemene: She doesnt do the things you mension, but i have to admit that its hard to not think about it anyway.

 

BTW, I forgot to tell that she have left me once before, 5 years ago. We had also then had a bad period, i cant remember for how long, but we where both depressed becouse of problems in our separate lives. Then she went for easter holiday with my sister and a friend of hers for a few days. Then she suddenly started gettings sms`s from a 35 year old completely unknown man (im convinced that he had picked her as a victim for a long time), and when holiday was over, she was gone. Didnt pick up phone, answer sms, or any contact at all, until i came home a couple of days later to a letter that said she was leaving me. She moved in with that guy very short after. And then it turns out he was a totally phsyco, beating her etc etc... She ran to me after he had beaten and raped her, 4 months they where together. He kept stalking her and threating her and her family. The police didnt do anything about it, and I was in very bad shape at the time (lots of lots of drugs to deal with the breakup), but with help of friends i managed to stop him. We also got him in jail for 3.5 years. Over the next 6 months she helped me get rid of the drugs, and we was happy together again. 2 kids and a house later we are back to hell...

 

Today we had our talk... She said that it was very hard for her to keep going, and she really wants to leave. I said that she had to make a desission, but i said to think hard about her choice couse it has a lot to do with our kids. She got very angry and said i tried to give her guilt, and pushing her into something she didnt want. I really didnt intend to, but its hard for me not to tell her what i feel. We basically ended up on: Sleeping in separate rooms, getting time for ourselves every 2. day, going to therapy. She said that she didnt know how long she could keep this up.

 

This got alot longer than I intended... But thanks so much for your response, It really means alot to me!

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Not married makes it harder… Do you want to stay in this relationship?

If yes…

In a listening/understanding/non-teaching fashion, ignore her canned statements.

 

Do you think you were compatible from the start? How long have you been engaged? Did you propose on your own?

 

Work on improving/changing yourself. Buy new clothes. Reduce talk with her. Become somewhat aloof. Loving but aloof… like you have a secret. (This will draw her back to you.)

 

When she talks to you, and she will, listen. If she begins to offer correction… she still loves you and has no idea what's she doing. That said, it doesn't mean you're right or out of danger.

 

If she volunteers anything about her mental state... Encourage her to get a full physical and see a psychologist. Don’t be afraid to tell her… but don’t think it’s her fault.

 

Get Smalley’s book.

 

What did she complain about before this all started?

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Yes i want to stay in this.

Sorry, but what does: canned statements and compatible from start mean?

We had been engaged for about 4 years, then she left me for that other guy. And we just got engaged again this summer during holiday in france. She asked me if we could do it.. Now she says it was becouse she thought it would help with bringing back some feelings.

Really sorry, but i dont understand what you mean by: she offers correction either.

After a week of pure hell and begging etc, I really felt like lightning struck me and i had to get my * * * * together. And after that I really feel new! Yesterday i started lifting weights again, shopped all new clothes, haircut, went to get a tan (which ive never done before), cologne. Pretty much everything.

Il order the book tonight.

She complained about me not helping with the house and kids alot. And that I allways where picking fights and complaining about her.

Today i see that she have tryied to check my email, and looking up some girls on facebook i had been with while we where apart 5 years ago.

She sends me quite alot of sms`s also (we usually never communicate that way)... How should i respond? Happy, with smileys etc?

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I guess you are in a common marriage. She’s a wife.

 

Canned statements…

“she said that she couldn’t go on no more, that the feelings had slowly gone away”

“I need my space”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Maybe we were never compatible.”

“I’m not sure if I love you anymore.”

Etc.

 

Compatible…

Spiritual beliefs.

Familial backgrounds.

Honor and integrity underpinnings.

Role expectations.

Social skills. (Think complementary vs. which is better.)

Grooming.

Education

Race

Physical attributes.

Etc.

 

Correction, which usually comes in the form of suggestions…

When a foolish husband ignores her correction/suggestions she is deeply hurt and unappreciated.

A wife’s observation and intuitiveness have always been of great value in a relationship. For ages men understood this and treated them accordingly.

Unfortunately many “modern” men don’t understand this treat their women like they would treat a man.

 

Don’t beg… wives hate it. (Weakness) Seek forgiveness instead, but not too much.

 

Getting in shape is great!

 

Help around the house. (Do it secretly as much as possible.)

 

Never complaining, (insult) her again… forever! She you’re wife!

 

Never fight with her again! She’s you’re wife! (It’s like you fighting with your leg… very dumb.)

 

Let her check everything about you… You love her and her alone. Don’t worry about it. (Avoid FB and others. These sites kill millions of marriage each year.)

 

There can be no other women. Ever! You love only one.

 

I didn't understand your last sentence.

 

 

PS, Women like direction and unfailing commitment from their men. Shortly, after the recovery of your relationship.

Buy a new ring. Go to the city for a show and a meal. In the restaurant drop to a knee and propose to the only women in your universe.

Fear nothing!

If she agrees encourage her to plan a big wedding… spare nothing and pay for it!

 

PS2, Get and read Smalley’s book. It helped save my marriage. (she can never see it.)

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I forgot to mension that she asked if we could get together with a couple that is our friends a watch a movie on friday, she said that she didnt wanted me to get my hopes up becouse of it. I said that i would think about it... What should i do?

 

There's nothing to think about! She's you’re wife. Go and have fun.

 

Be warned... you must change and be different. Best suggestion. Don't overdo it with the "looks" change. (Too much too soon is no good)

Instead change the way you would normally interact with her and friends.

 

Examples:

 

Look at her when she talks. (Think, boss talking.) When done nod your head slightly. Don’t say anything unless she asks you something. (Do this to the other women in the room but to a much lesser extent.)

 

If you normally leave her at parties then stay near her. (Be careful not to overdo.)

 

If you normally always “make remarks” about the movies then don’t.

 

If you normally never compliment her then find something to compliment in front of the friends and her. (Be careful, it must be light, sweet and truthful and only once.)

 

If you normally give your opinion... Don't. (Those days are gone.)

 

Turn yourself inside out… This is going to scare the hell out of her! She going to think… who is this guy? GOOD!

 

Now for the bad:

 

Be careful! Get one mixed soda drink. Drink some and secretly throw out the rest. Refill with plain soda! Maintain your senses.

You're going to need them for later.

 

Most likely this is a trial! If she wasn't having doubts you woundn't be there.

Watch what you say.

Talk less.

Be a loving husband. (Don’t overdo)

The women in the room may be part of her “circle of sorrow”. They compromise some of the empowerment she may be feeling. (Watch for it. You’ll hear and see it. Be careful what you say to them. They report back… You want the message to be… “something has changed with him.”

 

AND

 

I know you don’t want to hear this… but carefully look over the men, (women?), at this gathering. One of them may be eye-balling your wife… for some time.

Just secretly watch and listen.

Report back!

Do not confront or talk to wife about it!

Let know one know what's in your heart.

 

PS, It's like learning to fish, except it get's easier. Unlike fishing.

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Now i found out that she has bought an iphone behind my back, with my money. And she also lied about where she was on saturday. Ive found pictures where i see her partying. What should i do???

 

Nothing... nothing at all. You hurt her a million times.

 

You, (Like me), can clearly see the speck in her eye but can't see the plank sticking out of your eye.

 

PS, It's not your money and she's not your kid.

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I understand. Yes, we are very Compatible.

 

The things you say seems very right, and its very nice to get some guidence to the right path. Il try to do theese things, but its hard couse i feel that i overdo it like you say, and afraid she will think i fake it. Even thou i really mean it, and feels truly happy to do it.

 

Yes you are ofcourse right, i wrote the last post in anger and dispare, and my head started spinning up all theese theories. Then I went bananas. And when she came home I confronted her with where she was on saturday, she denied she had been on a party, then i got more angry asking if she had gotten a new phone, she denied. Told her ive found the box (the reason im mad about this is becouse we are very low on money now, and she said she needed money for clothes for the kids). She admitted it. Anyway, it got really ugly. And im afraid she will leave now. The reason i got so disapointet is becouse yesterday she said she wouldnt lie and go behind my back (I said that was the only thing i couldnt deal with now). Ive felt so strong and improved the last days, and now i feel like Ive thrown it all away on something that stupid! Its not hard to hate myself now to be honest.

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You said, "and now i feel like Ive thrown it all away on something that stupid! Its not hard to hate myself now to be honest."

 

Your reaction is normal. Unfortunately, very normal.

You will make mistakes from time to time. Don't worry... she knows it.

Like I've been telling you...she's not a kid, especially you're kid.

 

I mentioned earlier "she has no idea what she is doing." That’s true with regards to the overall big picture. Her anger towards you has mostly blinded her.

That does not mean she doesn't know how to hurt you. She wants to hurt you.

 

Your job is to find out why.

 

Keep thinking about the big issues of your marriage. What topics do you avoid thinking and talking about. Money? You're failure to make up you mind? Intimacy? Etc.

 

Let's say money has been a issue… think back to the correction she offered to improve the situation. Remember how you ignored her. Now think to yourself…could I change and follow her advice?

If the answer is yes than you are now the proud owner of a shiny new “bear trap.”

When the time is right, (Private and quiet. Remember… it’s just you, her and God) set your trap.

 

Softly, quietly with head slightly down. (No eye contact needed for this.)

You Honey I was thinking about the money. (Don't use the sweetheart word! Avoid it till after the recovery.)

Wife Yes?

You You know, stuff you used to say.

Wife What are you talking about?

You You were right. (Quietly, trail off.)

Wife What are you talking about?

You I just wanted to say that. I’m sorry, I should have…. (DO NOT FINISH THIS SENTENCE! Just quietly trail off. She will finish the sentence.

 

Now hold on to your chair and don’t talk. Watch her face to face. Only look away once or twice by dropping your head briefly. Take your medicine. You deserve it

 

 

You said, “feel that i overdo it like you say, and afraid she will think i fake it.”

You're wrong, it's not fake! You're changing into a loving husband!

 

She’s been trying to put you a stage since the first day she met you. She wants you to be brave make mistakes and fail. At that point you’ll pull yourself up and try again. Each time it happens you will grow stronger.

Each time that happens she will glow a little more. This glow will get brighter and brighter.

 

Why? She’s a husband builder… you just never knew it.

We husband’s are not supposed to be shrinking violets.

 

Don’t be afraid.

 

PS, Do not underestimate husbands! We’re not Hollywood wiggle worms. We are quiet and strong. We know what’s really important in life and we hang on to it.

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Ok. But it is normal to do something that stupid? Am I out of control? I really starts to question my self...

 

I will try that if i get the chance. This morning she said we where done. After some more talk we agreed on one last option (she REALLY wanted to get out): We would still be together, but she will lend her grandmothers apartment while shes away on holiday (until sunday). And we have to take turns on whos gonna be out of the house after work and stuff after that.. And she would have to have to be completely free (exept cheating and things like that), she needed time for herself. And she still want to do couples therapy. How would you read that? Im really confused, and really nervous.

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Ok. But it is normal to do something that stupid? Am I out of control? I really starts to question my self...

 

I will try that if i get the chance. This morning she said we where done. After some more talk we agreed on one last option (she REALLY wanted to get out): We would still be together, but she will lend her grandmothers apartment while shes away on holiday (until sunday). And we have to take turns on whos gonna be out of the house after work and stuff after that.. And she would have to have to be completely free (exept cheating and things like that), she needed time for herself. And she still want to do couples therapy. How would you read that? Im really confused, and really nervous.

 

 

Perfectly normal. Try not to overreact anymore. It takes time to learn this.

 

She said, “This morning she said we where done.” Canned statement… ignore.

 

You said, “After some more talk we agreed on one last option (she REALLY wanted to get out): We would still be together, but she will lend her grandmothers apartment while shes away on holiday (until sunday). And we have to take turns on whos gonna be out of the house after work and stuff after that.. And she would have to have to be completely free (exept cheating and things like that),” I have no idea what this means!

 

She said, “she needed time for herself.” It could be just a normal canned pain statement. If so good and you can ignore.

It could also be something very different. Will you be able to account for her time? I don’t mean every minute or even hour. If she wants to disappear for day/days where as you can’t call or know where she’s at… BAD!

Working on saving the marriage is something you do together with respect and accountability. Disappearing shows no interest.

If this is the case you must stop it. It’s line that no married person, (or common), can step over.

 

If she still chooses to? It’s her answer.

 

 

In a limited, calm, somewhat aloof loving way tell her…

 

I think I understand now and guess I can’t blame you anymore. I know I was never the man of the year but there are limitations to my love for you.

You seem hell bent on testing them right down into the mud. (Say “slime” if you even slightly suspect an affair.) I’m not going any lower.

If we are working on this relationship were working on it. You want to leave I’ll take that as your answer.

 

Very important… If she leaves do not overreact. Get a soda and watch some TV. You may not know her answer right away. Don’t panic!!!!!!! Be cool and in control. Do something fun. Have some friends over… like nothing happened. If she stays or returns…kiss her and start your new life together.

 

She doesn’t return and goes away as planned… it's her decision.

Never openly grieve for her. Keep improving.

 

PS, Secretly buy James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

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Ok, good to hear!

Its hard for me to explain, but basically i meant this: She said if we was gonna continue on, we had to live apart from each other. And she guaranteed me that she wasnt in contact with other guys.

 

I can call, but I am really afraid of pushing her to the point of no return. But its driving me mad I admit.

 

I really didnt like to agree with her on this, but she said it was the only solution for her. And im pretty sure she is serious. Do you think there are no chances at all when we live apart for some days?

Im afraid to bring it up, becouse I feel like I seem unstable and weak if I do.

I forgot to tell that when she started this, she lived with our best friends for a few days, i said it didnt work for me and she came home, and after our fight yesterday shes out again. (I agreed first, then I didnt agreed, agreed again and now disagree again?) I think she might even suspect ive discussing this with others if i change my mind now.

 

Im just so afraid she will never see my changes if we end it now.

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Don’t panic… Nothing has changed.

 

You now know about the messages behind women's words. Homework: Go back and look at them.

 

PS, There’s always been a man.

Matter fact since the dawn of time even cave women were weighing their options.

Why?

They didn’t want to starve.

 

Now they don’t want to starve and have a life of perpetual fun as promised by the mass media.

 

PS2, Did you get the books?

 

 

Back in a few minutes.

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