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  1. #1
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    Last chance on relationship. Please help me!

    Hi.

    Im in bad need of advice.
    Me and my girlfriend have been together for allmost 10 years. I am 26, and she is 24. We have 2 kids, 2 and 3 years old. for the last year we have had serious problems, with lots of fighting ect. Due to many other factors in both our lives. And a week ago she said that she couldnt go on no more, that the feelings had slowly gone away, but now they are dead. I have kinda the same feeling, but the feelings are not dead to me. We have talked and she says she is willing to give it one more chance with couples therapy, or a health-coach. We are going to sit down and talk about what therapist/coach we will choose tomorrow. So my question is this: I am willing to give all i got left for this, but with her beeing "negative" is there any chance for us? Is there anything else i can do? Will therapy be of any help at all? Could her feelings come back if we stick it out a littlebit longer, with ACTUAL change? Anything I can say to her to get her that will give her more will to fight for this? Any advice at all i would really apriciate it, becouse I love her, and i love my kids, and this can hurt my life in i such a big way.

    And sorry for the bad english, Im from Norway.

  2. #2

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    Yes, there is a good chance for you. I was in a relationship that "ended" because she lost her feelings for me. We stopped communicating for a month or two when suddenly she came back because she realized she needed me, even though she had a boyfriend.

    I am certain that she could have figured that out without us having to break up, and I think therapy is a good place to start.

    The greatest thing to give her the will to fight for your relationship is the fact that you have children together. The best foundation for a child is a committed relationship, so you two should try your best to provide them with that.

  3. #3
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    Are you married?

    Therapy in the later stages of a failing relationship will be viewed as weakness/controlling by the wayward spouse. Go by yourself if you must go. Do not ask her to come. If she’s says she wants to go... say ok. Don't lecture or teach anything.

    If you are like most men you are clueless when it comes to women. By Gary Smalley's "If only he knew” Amazon used work well. Never let her see this book!

    First Aid;
    Everything you do to save your relationship is done in secret. You don’t from family/friends.

    Forget about changing her.

    Change yourself... improve your looks ASAP.

    Secretly snoop for a budding affair. Check cell phone on internet tonight. If you find something... Don't say a word to her. Come back to us first.

    Stop talking and start listening to her.

    She’s not your possession or kid.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Mesemene's Avatar
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    I'd take it as a positive she's willing to go to therapy. A lot of people who are determined to end a relationship have made up their minds to the point they won't consider making the effort.

    And unless she's given you a lot of reason for distrust, I STRONGLY disagree with
    Secretly snoop for a budding affair. Check cell phone on internet tonight. If you find something... Don't say a word to her. Come back to us first.
    Nail. In. Coffin.

    If she's done nothing wrong, and finds out (and she WILL) that you've gone through her private things like a jealous donkey? It could be that last death knell. I've BEEN there. After my ex-husband cheated on me, he made my life a living hell trying to find "proof" I had been cheating to make himself feel better - and it completely destroyed my faith in him, even moreso than the affair (I'd never cheated in my life!) Nothing to destroy trust more than going behind your partner's back if they've given you no reason to think they're having an affair.

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  6. #5
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    Consummation of a hidden relationship is usually final nail. It is almost always driven by the victim of the affair not the wayward spouse.
    This is especially true if the victim is the man.

    I always recommend full knowledge and understanding of a current relationship. It’s hard and there is some risk but much less than burying one’s head in the sand.

    By the time the first soft disclosure is made…
    “she said that she couldn’t go on no more, that the feelings had slowly gone away”
    “I need my space”
    “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
    “Maybe we were never compatible.”
    “I’m not sure if I love you anymore.”
    Etc.
    The wayward spouse had been planning her secret escape for months if not years.

    Emotion cheating almost always occurs before these announcements. (The manifestation of her anger, driven by mass media's commoditization of female sexuality.)

    During this stage the most victims typically take a passive approach. No snooping and denial. This wastes precious time.

    Failure to promptly and properly act by the victim can be blamed for millions of divorces each year.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Mesemene's Avatar
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    Snooping can destroy a relationship if there's no evidence of cheating.

    And the OP didn't say anything about her behavior becoming more secretive, silencing the phone ringer, phone calls in the bathroom, shutting the comp screen down if he comes in the room, or extra attention - which a lot of spouses give to try to cover their affair.

    All he's saying is the spark has gone out of their marriage, and they're arguing constantly. It's a big leap from there to assume she's probably cheating.

  8. #7
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    After becoming “aware” four years ago I have yet to see one these situations prove me wrong. There was a hidden enabler in each and every one.
    This includes my wife and I, all relatives and friends, all acquaintances and anonymous posters to this form.

    Her "willing" to go the therapy and “dead, feelings” set off my alarm. It sounds like an “add to my proof pile", (empowered), that he was a jerk husband.

    Knowing that wasted time is the true enemy of marriages in this stage I always try to scare the poster into action.
    There’s nothing lost if simple incompatibility was the only reason for this failure. It’s going fail anyway.

    There’s much higher likelihood the husband’s lack of skills and unwillingness to change became insufferable after birth of the first child. The second was either hope or a mistake. This coupled with her hormonal imbalance crippled the wife’s objectivity.

    Enter the modern preachers of happiness… mass media and popular culture.
    The secular cure they offer? Green grass fantasy fuel by endless messages of empowerment through hypersexual expression.

    Result… broken families.

  9. #8
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    Palt: Thats great! And gives me a lot more hope!
    Lester: We are not married, but engaged. When this started, i checked her phone some times, and installed a keylogger on our laptop, and found out that shes not in contact with any other men, but she does small things behind my back. Nothing big, but still its eating my trust to her. And i really dont like spying on her, so i have stopped reading it, but will let it record just in case things go really to hell and i need all the info i can get. She is saying all the things you say: Need space, need time, cant go on, wont go on, want to be single, want to stand on her own feet etc...
    Mesemene: She doesnt do the things you mension, but i have to admit that its hard to not think about it anyway.

    BTW, I forgot to tell that she have left me once before, 5 years ago. We had also then had a bad period, i cant remember for how long, but we where both depressed becouse of problems in our separate lives. Then she went for easter holiday with my sister and a friend of hers for a few days. Then she suddenly started gettings sms`s from a 35 year old completly unknown man (im convinced that he had picked her as a victim for a long time), and when holiday was over, she was gone. Didnt pick up phone, answer sms, or any contact at all, untill i came home a couple of days later to a letter that said she was leaving me. She moved in with that guy very short after. And then it turns out he was a totally phsyco, beating her etc etc... She ran to me after he had beaten and raped her, 4 months they where together. He kept stalking her and threating her and her family. The police didnt do anything about it, and I was in very bad shape at the time (lots of lots of drugs to deal with the breakup), but with help of friends i managed to stop him. We also got him in jail for 3.5 years. Over the next 6 months she helped me get rid of the drugs, and we was happy together again. 2 kids and a house later we are back to hell...

    Today we had our talk... She said that it was very hard for her to keep going, and she really wants to leave. I said that she had to make a desission, but i said to think hard about her choice couse it has a lot to do with our kids. She got very angry and said i tried to give her guilt, and pushing her into something she didnt want. I really didnt intend to, but its hard for me not to tell her what i feel. We basicly ended up on: Sleeping in separate rooms, getting time for ourselves every 2. day, going to therapy. She said that she didnt know how long she could keep this up.

    This got alot longer than I intended... But thanks so much for your response, It really means alot to me!

  10. #9
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    Not married makes it harder… Do you want to stay in this relationship?
    If yes…
    In a listening/understanding/non-teaching fashion, ignore her canned statements.

    Do you think you were compatible from the start? How long have you been engaged? Did you propose on your own?

    Work on improving/changing yourself. Buy new clothes. Reduce talk with her. Become somewhat aloof. Loving but aloof… like you have a secret. (This will draw her back to you.)

    When she talks to you, and she will, listen. If she begins to offer correction… she still loves you and has no idea what's she doing. That said, it doesn't mean you're right or out of danger.

    If she volunteers anything about her mental state... Encourage her to get a full physical and see a psychologist. Don’t be afraid to tell her… but don’t think it’s her fault.

    Get Smalley’s book.

    What did she complain about before this all started?

  11. #10
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    Yes i want to stay in this.
    Sorry, but what does: canned statements and compatible from start mean?
    We had been engaged for about 4 years, then she left me for that other guy. And we just got engaged again this summer during holiday in france. She asked me if we could do it.. Now she says it was becouse she thought it would help with bringing back some feelings.
    Really sorry, but i dont understand what you mean by: she offers correction either.
    After a week of pure hell and begging etc, I really felt like lightning struck me and i had to get my * * * * together. And after that I really feel new! Yesterday i started lifting weights again, shopped all new clothes, haircut, went to get a tan (which ive never done before), cologne. Pretty much everything.
    Il order the book tonight.
    She complained about me not helping with the house and kids alot. And that I allways where picking fights and complaining about her.
    Today i see that she have tryied to check my email, and looking up some girls on facebook i had been with while we where apart 5 years ago.
    She sends me quite alot of sms`s also (we usually never communicate that way)... How should i respond? Happy, with smileys etc?

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